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How Are You Feeling?

Awesome. I woke up this morning
sparkling rays of sunshine beaming through my window
with a smile, as the birds were singing the sweetest tune
while my thoughts are filled with happy messages from you

      Terrible. I weep from the inside out
      as each one of my teardrops nourish our memories
      like a garden of roses, and as beautiful as it seems
      there is always a tragedy that is hidden within,
      as they slowly begin to slip away

Awesome. Hopes are lifted, so to say
reach higher than the peaks of mountains
Feeling mighty, feeling fine,
my belly giggles,
through these gentle times
that we spend together

      Terrible. A wall crumbles into a thousand pieces
      in a blink of an eye, this invisible barrier collapses,
      the only known shield to save the heart of a fool
      The seed of loneliness begins to corrode the soul
      and I could never be able to blame it all on you

Awesome. What a night of adventure
stories that I could share with you forever
trapped in such a moment of bliss;
I canít seem to imagine anything going wrong,
nothing will go wrong

      Terrible. Thoughts so desperate
      I canít seem to make time fly
      laying here so cold and alone looking up at an empty black sky
      The stars used to laugh for me but now they only cry  
      I will never be able to wash away this guilt

      Too bad you canít see the real me.



This was an assignment for English class.. it was supposed to be an ironic poem. I guess, with humour. Mine wasn't "ironic" enough, so I only ended up with a 90%. I disliked my teacher very much anyways, so I didn't care. :shrug:

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are" - Kurt Kobain



:giggle: Teehehe.. I like the star.







Add a Comment:
 
:icondiurasc:
diurasc Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2006
To be honest, I didn't really feel much from this. The two positions felt too random - they didn't segue into each other neatly, thematically or rhythmically.

It might have been interesting if, say, each 'awesome' stanza gradually ran out of steam, then sank into a 'terrible', which slowly dissolved into happiness and rose to the next 'awesome', etc. As it is, it feels disjointed, and the last line, which could have been a powerfully emotive conclusion, looks tacked on.

Hmm... sorry I couldn't be more constructive. But good luck with your future writings!
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2006
thanks for the criticism.. it was just a point in time when i was growing up, i don't really understand it that much now that i think of it :confused: i'll try and 'evolve' it, i find your suggestion interesting. thank you :)
Reply
:icondiurasc:
diurasc Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2006
No worries - I'll be interested to see how that turns out.
Reply
:iconmithior-efilyn:
Mithior-Efilyn Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2006   Writer
i like the contrasts, the way it moves between the two different approaches. well writen, keep it up

and the ending line "Too bad you canít see the real me." kinda made me think the person was heavily shrouded in lies, like trying to make ppl believe they are ok. when they arnt.

maybe i read too deep :P, well yer, good write.

- Matteh
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner May 27, 2006
no, you didn't read too deep :giggle: thats what i intended it to mean. yay!

thanks!
Reply
:iconsiempreyo:
SiempreYo Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2005  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hey you!! great poem and style that you have here, i love the change in emotion so much and how it's indented. :clap: the ending seems a little rushed and i feel as if you added another line to it (before the "too bad you..."), it'd be just perfect, that's just me though.

:heart:

no funny comments this time... i'm DONE COMMENTING YOU! hah! :pointandlaugh: now you have a lot to do. lol xox :heart:
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2005
:) thankss.

yeah well it was getting late and i wanted to go to bed :giggle: stupid english homework.. :shakefist: hey i could have edited it. too lazy, oh well!!

:hug:

31 more comments, 1 journal, and like 5 deviations to go... total= 37 to go.. if i counted it right :shh:
Reply
:iconsiempreyo:
SiempreYo Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2005  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hahaha, well here's another comment. you said you had 37 to go. sorry, now you have some more! :evillaugh: lol
Reply
:iconfrankienexus:
frankienexus Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2005   Writer
mmm i adore this
its very human and touching and revealing and makes u want to read it all over
its sad but not weak , its actually very strong in its honesty and power
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2005
:blush: it means alot to me coming from a great poet like you. i'm glad you enjoyed it. thanks :hug:
Reply
:iconlenorelostangel:
LenoreLostAngel Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2005
Fajne! Moze muzyke do tego napisze...:)
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
:giggle: dzieki
Reply
:iconsombermuse:
Sombermuse Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2005
well written piece, might you give me an address for this english teacher? I would be perfectly wlling to visit and hurt... ahem... chit chat... with this teacher lol =)
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
:lol: i'm glad you like it :hug:
he's a funny looking teacher.. he reminds me of a rat and waddles like a penguin.. and carries a suit-case -- on wheels =P he's such a dork.
Reply
:iconsombermuse:
Sombermuse Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2005
lol, no problem...
Reply
:iconcaptainscurvy:
captainscurvy Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2005
pretty cool! Interesting parallelism you have going
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
hehe thanks andrew :glomp:
Reply
:icondiamond281:
diamond281 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2005  Hobbyist Photographer
:nod: cool, i like this
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
thanks :)
Reply
:iconobliviousupergrl:
obliviousupergrl Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
Wow Syl..you put so much effort in this..it's really good, but the penguin would never see your talent. I especially like the last stanza. It deserves to be accompanied by 3 guitar chords lol.
Cappadocia should be shot..twice. :nod:
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
penguin :rofl:
hmm i think i started the poem with the last stanza..but its my favourite too. :)
:singing: cumbaya, my lord, cumbaya
lol bang bang.
thanks bud :hug:
Reply
:icondementeddoll:
DementedDoll Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
Awesome, this is. I like the switching around and the wonderful imagery. I think this deserved more than a 90%. Its really good. The vocabulary included.
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
thanks a bunch :glomp:
Reply
:icontappergurl:
tappergurl Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
100%
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
:blush: thanks. and for the +fav as well :hug:
Reply
:icontappergurl:
tappergurl Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :-)
Reply
:iconsarahsoda182:
sarahsoda182 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005
Nice one Syl. But I can see why Crappydocia didn't give you ace marks, it's too poetic -- too insightful. He wanted amateur stuff, black&white.. I'M HAPPY/I'M ANGRY. I like it thooo! Tis a good piece, even if some teachers don't appreciate it.. lol. I think I did 'are we there yet?'.. yes, yes I did. It was blunt. XD
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
:lmao: i figured he wanted i'm happy/angry after i submitted it! lol blunt is good. thanks sarah :)
Reply
:iconjonight:
jonight Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2005   General Artist
i feel like shit coz i haven't spoken to the one i love in a long time. :(
oh and, when i'm around, i gotta teach that teacher of yours a lesson.
Reply
:icontoymachine11:
toymachine11 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
:petting: :(
thanks hun :hug:
Reply
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