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Last Visit: 5 weeks ago
I can’t sleep.
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Why did you leave me it hurts me more than you know to not have you why did you- ugh, why?! Not having you just makes me want to relapse and cut agsin, I can't even try to talk to you without crying, you left me just because you had plans and couldn't see me?! I spent so much money on you, just for you to leave and make me want to cut myself! Fuck you! I wish I never told you I loved you! You made me feel complete, now i hate you more than anything! I spent every day worrying about you, hoping you were ok, and now I feel like you just used me to say you had a boyfriend! I hate you! You fucking bitch!
I was listening to Black Dahlia by hollywood undead and it made me feel worse so here's more vent.
I missed you, and now I miss you more than ever now knowing you don't remember what I did. Why can't other people feel what I feel, why am I the only one who remembers what I did?! All I can do is worry about what i can't change, and it makes me want to drive this knife into my chest hoping I won't remember this anymore. I fucked up, and i know it. I wish I didn't miss you guys or want to fucking take over the world, I knew it was too unachievable of a goal. I knew I would fail, but I didn't know you'd do this to me and now all I have is regrets. I'm so fucking sorry, I loved you guys but I ruined the years of friendship we had and i know you either don't or shouldn't forgive me. Tom, why do you forgive me?! I explained to you everything I did and you still forgive me? If you had common sense you wouldn't come near me again, I deserve to be alone and be without you guys, i don't deserve you but i fucking need you. Without you my life feels pointless and I'm just so lost...if I ever lose you again I'm seriously ending it...fuck...this is so edgy but it's really how I feel and just,,, I miss edd and matt...I wish I could go back, live, and apologize. I know I probably hurt you guys more than you hurt me, but all this guilt and... I'm stopping here, I'm too tired and I'm thinking about relationships too now. I have more to get out but I'll make another thing tomorrow...
Trying to get used to the fact that a lot of these emotions I'm feeling are because of what I remember from my past life is hard. Just imagine dying, the last physical thing you see is something you worked hard on destroyed in front of you, and realizing that you've just been killed by someone you once called a friend. The people you once lived with walking away, knowing you're dead, and you can't move, and soon you can't see. It's black for what feels like forever, and suddenly you just wake up in a new body. Over time you start to remember things, and you realize what happened. You realize you once had an army, but we're forced to move on. You realize how badly you'd probably hurt your friends, but there's no back button. And you know they'd never forgive you but at the same time you feel lost and like everything is pointless without them. I need them back, I have one, and it's the one who killed me. and Tom doesn't remember anything, but I remember what happened as if it's a minute after.
I remember almost everything, right down to the feelings I felt during it. I really wish I could remember why I fucking did what I did, I'd have an explanation to go with my apology. but I dont. and it bothers me. I'd rather remember everything from my past life than just remember part of one day and a ton of small things. it's so tough to deal with this because my brain treats it as part of this lifetime. it feels like it just happened, but that could also be that it scarred me mentally. I have fucking nightmares about it, it's scarred me mentally. (VENT OVER)
I wanna keep posting but I’m too tired I wanna stay awake but I’m too tired I wanna not have a million cups of coffee today but I’m too tired I want to wake up at 8 today but it’s 4:45AM I want to work on the wig for tom, but I’m too tired. I want to do shit but I’m tOO FUCKING TIRED-
Favorite visual artistMyselfFavorite TV showsSteven UniverseFavorite bands / musical artistsStreetlight manifesto and Reel big fish oofFavorite booksDon't have any unless fanfics countFavorite writersmy momFavorite gamesYandere Simulator, Overwatch, ROBLOX,Favorite gaming platformAnyOther InterestsCosplay and crafting in general