Bah Humducked 1
A/N: Well I'm finally getting to work on another Christmas story, even though I said I'd work on at least one each new month of 2021, but it was delayed due to my obsession with getting a new laptop and the Space Jam sequel. Anyway, this next one is the start of yet another Christmas Carol, but this time the modern one from the 80's featuring Bill Murray, and starring in his role is someone else who's been in the Scrooge role and has worked with Bill Murray himself...Daffy Duck!
I do not own any of the characters used in this fic. Enjoy.
Chapter 1: Daffy the Horrible Boss
We begin soaring through the night sky that was being shown making our way through the down to a village of a snowy white location, with many lights on and the trees decorated before we got full view of the location, which was the North Pole. We then go to a certain workshop, and inside said workshop, many elf-type creatures were working on the toys while Mrs. Claus was showing some of the deserts she made.
Mrs. Claus: It's my special recipe
Santa: (pacing around) We're not gonna make it if we don't hurry!
Then, one slid elf down to the bed between Santa and his wife.
Santa: You realise how late we...
The elf gave a squeaky chuckle as he ran off with Santa annoyed at his sliding.
Santa: I told you, you're gonna break those!
Mrs. Claus: Just stay calm.
At that moment, two elves noticed a shooting star heading towards them.
Lead Elf: Oh, wow! Wait! Santa Claus, come quick! Look!
Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves all looked as they gasped at the star speeding down towards them.
Santa: INCOMING!! Take cover!
The crowd gasped and screamed before that object crashed to the ground with everyone running and ducking. As it hit the ground, fireworks and explosions were shot around while outside, figures in coats fired at the workshop they were in.
Mrs. Claus: Santa! It's an invasion! (shouts) Let's get 'em!
The elves, shouting and screaming, darted off as the unseen figures fired at the toys and ornaments while Mrs. Claus opened a cabinet, tossing some guns to the elves, including one that looked like a rock star girl with wild black hair.
Mrs. Claus: Come on, over here! Hurry up! Hurry! We've got to stop them!
Then, a snowmobile pulled up before the crowd stopped, noticing as they backed up, worrying the group. Then, a machine gun was aimed at them with Santa gasping. Then, the mask was removed, revealing an orange-haired muscular man with an eye patch and Santa recognized him.
Santa: It's Hoss DelGado, the Six Trillion Dollar Man!
Mrs. Claus and the elves were relieved, as Hoss blocked the crew while turning to the enemies.
Hoss: Santa, is there a back door?
Santa: Of course there is, but this is one Santa who's going out the front door!
Hoss: It don't matter what happens to me, but the world couldn't afford to lose you. Now you stay here!
Santa: Very nice of you, Hoss.
He prepared to go out before Santa stopped him once more.
Santa: One thing, by the way...(smiles) You've been a real good boy this year.
Mrs. Claus: (nods) Yes, you sure have.
A few applauded before the nodding Hoss darted off, preparing to attacking the foes, and out of nowhere, a voice very reminiscent of the late, great Don LaFontaine was heard.
Announcer: 6 o'clock. Psychos seize Santa's workshop!
Hoss: (puts mask over his eyes) Eat this, you dirtbags!!
He then used a bazooka/flamethrower on the enemies. Of course, this whole thing turned out to be a program shown on several television screens, and this was being viewed by a few executives.
Announcer: And only Hoss Delgado can stop them! "The War at the North Pole"!
Then, the machine gun on the TV was shown firing before that segment of the promo ended, switching to another segment with an overweight blonde man in a tuxedo on a commercial as he sailed on a raft through the swamp while singing "Silver Bells".
Announcer: At 7:30, and this country's best loved singer invites you to share a home-style holiday. When it's "Mike Blumberg's Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas"!
He then yelped as an alligator swam in the waters after him as he kept rowing away, trying to remain calm, before it showed another commercial of a classic comedy-drama TV series from the late 80's-early 90's, with a family celebrating Christmas with "With a Little Help from My Friends" by Joe Cocker playing in the background.
Announcer: And at 8, UBC rebroadcasts one of this country's all-time favorite family Christmas episodes. "The Wonder Years Christmas".
We then see a clip of actors from the show, at their current ages, talking about the show.
Announcer: Plus, a bonus reunion interview with the original Wonder Years cast members.
The promo finally showed the logo with Christmas decorations.
Announcer: Here on "UBC". Yule Love It!
After a few moments, the execs glanced at what they saw from the sevral TVs.
The executives then turned to the nervous figure. He was a black-feathered duck with an orange beak and webbed feet, a white collar around his neck, a purple suit, a yellow shirt and fuschia necktie. He was Daffy Duck.
Daffy: Wait one sec.
He opened the drawer, glancing at the mirror he had inside the drawer, making quick grinning motions before turning back to the waiting execs, having a casual mood.
Daffy: Promo sounds fair. Now she me the "Scrooge" promo.
Exec: Uh, sir? Isn't it "A Christmas Carol"?
Daffy: (annoyed) I'm in charge here, and I can call it whatever the hell I please. Now, play it!
The button was pressed as the next promo began playing in the TVs, starting with the book for the program with the title, and the network logo was seen as it appeared on the book. It then opened, showing a blue reptillian-type creature named Uncle Deadly with a book in his hands, sitting in front of a fireplace.
Uncle Deadly: It was a cold, bleak, Christmas...
Announcer: (over Uncle Deadly) At 9, UBC presents live, via satellite from New York, Bethlehem, Toonsinki, West Toonlin and the Great Barrier Reef, Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic...Scrooge!
The promo then showed instances of the cast being shown, such a certain English actor, several Muppets and several dancing girls.
Announcer: Starring Michael Caine, Statler and Waldorf, Kermit the Frog, the Jim Henson Company dancers, and Robin the Frog as Tiny Tim!
We even cut back to Uncle Deadly as he was speaking.
Announcer: Hosted by Uncle Deadly.
Uncle Deadly: Bah humbug!
It then showed the same scenery with some Muppet children pestering Michael Caine/Ebeneezer Scrooge.
Announcer: It will touch every heartstring.
The book was closed as it showed the book with the logo once more.
Announcer: That's right! It all starts on Christmas Eve: Christmas Eve on UBC. Yule love it!
After a few moments, the execs turned to the duck, who was stunned.
Daffy: Oh my gosh...I can't believe it.
Exec #1: That we're actually going through with a remake of the Muppets Christmas Carol with Michael Caine again when it was fine the way it is?
Daffy: No, that you people actually gave me a promo that sucks an elephant's rear end.
The execs looked shocked to hear their boss duck say that. A few looked worried, including a black-and-white cat in gray secretary clothing, known as Penelope Pussycat. She quickly went to give him his coffee, trying to motion the duck to the coffee before he walked to up the execs.
Exec: Uh you know who loves Kermit and Robin, Daffy? My kids.
Other Exec: Children love amphibians! There are tons of them in media, such as Frog and Toad, Amphibia, Michigan J., the Crazy Frog...
Daffy: Hey, what did I say about mentioning that ear-ache?!
Other Exec: Sorry.
The duck glanced at the worried execs before he face palmed.
Daffy: Ooooh! Ugh, we have spent 40 million smackeroos on a live TV show! (snaps) You guys have got an ad with this country's favorite obscure old fart Muppet...reading a book in front of a fireplace!!
Exec: Well at least we don't have the blue Whatever and his rat sidekick as the narrator again, and we tried to get the eagle, but he didn't feel like what he thought was violating a classic serious tale twice...too late for that.
Daffy: Now I have to kill each and every one of you!
Many gulped in fear while the duck came to a Picasso painting of a duck with a sigh.
Daffy: Mother, help me.
Voice: Uh excuse me, Mistewh Duck?
Daffy turned with a stink-eye look towards another one of his employees. He was a man with a round bald head with a white shirt, purple vest, brown pants and black shoes. He was Elmer Fudd.
Elmer: I don't want to be out of wine ovewh hewe, but well we've been wunning that spot now fohw ovehw a month and...well, it's getting a heck of a wesponse.
Daffy: (frowns) Look here, I happen to be the youngest president in the history of television for a reason, though I've been around for a long time. (leans to him) That reason is that I know the people.
Elmer: (shivers) Well, uh, gwanted, but the people alweady wanna watch the show.
Many looked worried at the bald man being glared by the duck.
Daffy: (snaps) THAT ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!! They have got to be so scared to miss it, so terrified! Now, if yours truly was in charge, and he (flicks his ear) IS...
A few chuckled a bit before Daffy glared, shutting them up.
Daffy: (to Elmer) Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I'd do. Penelope, cue it up.
She nodded, pressing the remote button to show another promo. As they watched, it showed some destruction on TV with a new serious announcer.
Serious Announcer: Acid rain.
The crowd on the screens screamed as they ran for the lives from the acid with a few yelping. One woman screamed as Daffy mouthed the screaming. Then it showed some drugs.
Serious Announcer: Drug addiction.
Someone was shown to be using a drug before a plane was shown flying.
Serious Announcer: International terrorism.
The plane blew up as the execs and Penelope looked worried while the duck just smirked.
Serious Announcer: Freeway killers.
A guy came out of the car, shooting someone as it flashed. The others closed their eyes at this while Daffy watched on.
Serious Announcer: Now, more than ever...
Daffy: (talking with commercial) It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Then, it showed a stoned version of the special's logo.
Serious Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, "Scrooge" featuring Sir Michael Caine and the Muppets.
An explosion was shown.
Daffy: (talking with commercial) Your life might just depend on it.
As the commercial ended, everyone else looked horrified while the duck only sipped his coffee.
Daffy: Not bad, huh?
One executive fell out of his chair with a faint and with his hand over his heart.
Daffy: (scoffs) Pansy!
A while later, many of the execs departed from the meeting.
Daffy: I personally think they'll like it in the heartlands.
He then turned to the female exec.
Daffy: Now I want that commercial every hour on the hour.
Female: I'll take care of it, Mr. Duck.
She left as the shivering bald employee gulped.
Daffy: (to Penelope) Get me Standards and Practices, I wanna see the big guy.
Penelope: And what about the fainted exec?
Daffy: Oh, get him to the doctor and give him some ice. I'm sure he will be up and kicking soon.
Elmer: Hey excuse me, uh-I'm a little confused, concewned and fwightened. What exactly did that ad have to do with the performance ohw even the Muppets?
Daffy: Absolutely nothing, why?
Elmer: Well, it's usualwy not a good idea to show them something that is fahwse advehwtising in a twailew, especially THAT kind of thing!
Daffy: Well, there's merchandise of our second Space Jam film (motions to Penelope) with her in them though there's more hints that she isn't in it.
Elmer: That's diffewent. That's wying about one chawactew's appeawance, which is also wong, but this is showing exposions and muwdews that ISN'T in A Chwistmas Cawol! You can't just show that commewcial. I mean if you wun that, you'we bound to scahw people fohw wife! I mean, a pwane bwowing up?! We are still not over 9/11!
Daffy: So wait, are you saying that I'm off base?
Elmer: In a way, well...uh...maybe just a tad bit? If you think about it, that wooked mohw wike the Manson Famiwy Chwistmas Special.
Daffy: Well no need to worry there, that Manson guy is long gone. (frowns) But still, it's a little late for this kind of feedback.
Elmer: That's because you only showed it to me just now. This is my fiwst time seeing it.
The duck pondered a bit.
Daffy: Hmmm. You know, you're right, Fudd. I sprung it on you.
Elmer: I mean it's not that bad, it's just that...it's fahw too scawy and intense...and pehwhaps we go could tone it down on awhl the bwood and awhl...I mean, I may used to be a wabbit huntew but I wouldn't go THAT extweme!
Daffy: All right. If I can find any way to change it, I'll let you know in 5 minutes.
Elmer: (happily) Wow, thanks.
Daffy: No, no, thank YOU!
Elmer: (chuckles) You know, I think we've got something in common and that we ahwe awike...in a common sense kind of way. By the way, Mewwy Chwistmas. (darts off) And thanks for the talk!
The duck frowned at the bald man, but he tried to hide it.
Daffy: No, thank you! After all, the last thing we wanna do is scare the Dickens out of people.
Elmer: (to Penelope) Mewwy Chwistmas!
Penelope: Same to you.
The bald man was finally gone, and the duck frowned at not receiving any chuckles for what he had said.
Daffy: (frowns) The "Dickens" out of people! Nobody gets me.
As soon as he was gone, Daffy glanced at the cat.
Daffy: Penelope, who was that baldie?
Penelope: Elmer Fudd, the same hunter who's often tried hunting you and Bugs down for years but is still well-meaning.
Daffy: Oh yeah, him. (frowns) Have security change his locks, clear out his desk and toss him right out of the building.
Penelope: (shocked) Wait, he's fired?
Daffy: Down-sized, kaput, seized, dismissed, sacked, laid off, finito, canned, kicked out!!
Penelope: But it's Christmas-
Daffy: Oh thanks for reminding me. Call accounting to stop his bonus.
He peeked out the hole between two doors, glancing at where Elmer was.
Daffy: Oh, a clear shot at his back too.
The frowning cat sighed, picking up the phone and talking into it.
Penelope: Elmer Fudd...Code 9.
He then saw a childish picture on the wall.
Daffy: Penelope, what is this attrocity?
Penelope: That's a painting one of my children did.
Daffy: Right, what are your kids' names again?
Penelope: (frowns) I never told you their names to begin with.
Daffy: Good, then that gives me excuse not to know them, because I don't need to know thm.
Penelope: This drawing has Santa Claus, Mrs Claus and Rudolph on it.
Daffy: Penny, how many fingers does Mrs Santa Claus have in this picture?
Daffy: (glares) 11. And what's the color on the reindeer brat's nose that isn't red?
Penelope: It's a pink spot.
Daffy: A pink spot when it should be white to reflect the shininess. Right!
He angrily took down the drawing.
Daffy: I've got five letters to some up with this picture: T-R-I-P-E! (crumples it up and throws into recycling) Lose it! I don't it on the wall!
(End of Chapter 1)
Well, in this modern tale of the overdone Dickens Christmas story, we see how terrible our TV president Daffy is. And after Elmer's canned, we see more of how stingsy and selfish he is, especially towards a relative/friend of his, whomever that may be.
If anyone has any suggestions for quotes and characters to be in this version of the Bill Murray film, any are welcome. I especially need help with who should play Frank's brother James, his boss Preston Rhidelander and Brice Cummings, the man who secretly wants Frank's job.
Meanwhile, this whole story won't be done until either the end of 2021 or somewhere in 2022, as I've got to finish other stuff, like my other XMAS fics The Yellow Bear and Penny the other Reindeer.
The Great Ficpet Caper Chapter 7
Daffy: But you’re…you’re…
Sam: Deceased? A spirit? A ghost? Yeah…I am. And have been for seven Christmas Eves.
Sam: That’s what I darn well said, but that was a fitting end for me, Daffy. Because I was just like you; small-minded, bad-tempered and selfishly greedy. Now I’m a small-minded, bad-tempered and selfishly greedy worm-feast.
Sam: It’s darn well too late for me, but it ain’t too late for you, Daffy. You can still be saved.
Elmer: Hewwo, wabbit. Ha ha ha ha.
Daffy (annoyed): I’m not that stinking rabbit, I’m a duck!
Elmer: Who cawes? As wong as I’m hunting something. Ha ha ha ha.
Frank Cross: Daffy Duck
Claire Phillips: either Melissa (Looney Tunes) or Tina Russo
Lew Hayward: Yosemite Sam
Eliot Loudermilk: Elmer Fudd
the Ghost of Christmas Present (in real life), a ditzy Fairy Godmother-type spirit: ???
Preston Rhinelander, Frank's boss: ???
Herman, one of the people at the homeless shelter: ???
Grace Cooley: Penelope Pussycat
Brice Cummings, someone Rhidelander brought in to assist the stressful Frank under production of the "Scrooge" live show but secretly wants Frank's job: ???
the taxi cab driver Ghost of Christmas Past: ???
Calvin Cooley: Furrball (Tiny Toons)
Gramma, Calvin's grandmother: ???
James Cross, Frank's brother: ???
Wendie Cross, James's wife: ???
Earl Cross, Frank and James's surly father: ???
Doris Cross, Frank and James's mother: ???
Mrs. Rhinelander: ???
Lady Censor: ???
the Ghost of Christmas Future (in real life): ???
Lee Majors: Hoss DelGado (The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy)
Miles Davis, Paul Shaffer, Larry Carlton and David Sanorn/the Street Musicians: ???, ???, ??? and ???
John Houseman: Uncle Deadly (the Muppets)
Robert Goulet: Mikey Blumburg (Recess)
Mary Lou Retton/Tiny Tim: Robin (Muppets)
Buddy Hackett/Ebeneezer Scrooge: Michael Caine (fictionalized)
Jamie Farr/Jacob Marley: Statler and Waldorf (Muppets)
the Ghost of Christmas Present (TV version): the Ghost of Christmas Present (Muppets version)
the Ghost of Christmas Future (TV version): the Ghost of Christmas Future (Muppets version)
Two other homeless people: ??? and ???
I know it's not much but I was in a rush to get it started, not thinking of more new stuff to add. Plus, I don't own a copy of the movie, so it'll take longer to get it done.
In the mean time, know who I could use as Frank's brother James or Preston Rhidelander? Or Brice Cummings?