tony2056
REACTIONS TO KIMMIE/KELLY RING BRAWL
KELLY: Unavailable for comment
MISH: I’ve beaten Kelly way worse. Kimmie’s celebration was ridiculous. I mean, try to make it look like you’ve won before!
STACY: Clearing away the deadwood - good. Saves me the trouble. Now all I have to do is sweep Kimmie aside and rule the gym with an iron fist.
JOHANNE: Tactically flawless. I mean, Kimmie was just on her all night, hitting from angles, never letting Kelly get set, never letting her catch a breath. And no mistakes, that was the thing: if Kelly had been able to grab Kimmie and bog her down, this would have been the usual blonde romp to glory.
KAREN: Kelly has no one to blame but herself. I wrote the book on beating Kimmie in the ring, and Kelly refused to read it. Came in soft, didn’t want to work, and didn’t believe Kimmie could hurt her. Sure, no one shot was a threat, but you let Kimmie find her rhythm, and those feet, knees and knuckles add up!
TAYLOR: Didn’t see it. Kimmie’s damn lucky that wasn’t me in there. I’d have hurt her.
MONIQUE: Tout le monde knows my hard fights with Kelly have softened her up. If Kimmie had NOT won, I would have been surprised. Kelly was so stupid as well: you have to put a body on Kimmie, make her take weight. I always beat Kimmie by crushing her into the mat and suffocating her.
DONNA: Kimmie, Kimmie, Kimmie! You know, there’s other girls around here. I fought on the same night; you don’t see me preening around, hogging everyone’s attention. I wish Kimmie would just get her work in and shut up!
COURTNEY: Good fight. I was a little surprised at how sluggish Kelly looked, but I could tell right away it wasn’t going to be her night. Credit to Kimmie for keeping her foot on the gas. Lot of girls ease up when they see Kelly hurt, and she counts on that.
CHANNING: Kimmie’s work-rate was like a practice session in an NCAA gym. Good enough for a club fight I guess, but these girls wouldn’t cut it against the best gymnasts. Like me.
BLONDE! MAGAZINE: Reportedly has initiated an investigation into allegations of Kimmie cheating in this ring brawl. “We’re leaving no stone unturned,” BLONDE! Mag’s chief editor stated, “we’ll get to the bottom of this. Once the evidence is compiled, we’ll be seeking to overturn the result and have it reclassified as a No Contest. In particular, we’re reviewing footage of Kimmie’s hamstring-stomps; looks like she caught a lot of Kelly’s trunks on follow-through. You can do a lot in a ring brawl, but you can’t do that!”
(Some notes from a recent dice-driven encounter. Context you might find helpful:
Lowndes a former JLH wannabe starlet now grinding out Hallmark movies (Many of which are shot close to Vancouver, the setting for the fight). "The Smokehouse" is the fictional venue - a midsized boxing room in a joint that's been designed to look like an old 1930s speak-easy. As you know, Hewitt's in the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" reboot, which in this fictional world means she's required to fight promotional fights as marketing support for the movie. Stats shown at the end are just for my own recollection, but if you want more info, I'll run through it.)
JESSICA LOWNDES VS JENNY LOVE HEWITT
PREAMBLE
Bendy blonde bitch Sarah Carter had just edged Jessica. Again. Whisker-beat. Lowndes whined about it to the house officials, but it was the same old story. Sarah just a smidge better; too slick; too quick; both knew it.
Surprising then to get the call for Hewitt afterwards, but a real thrill for Lowndes regardless. That’s what she’d gotten back into shape for. That’s why she kept her standing at the Smoke. Because sooner or later these A-listers had to go on promotional tours for their movies and fight Jessica-Lowndes type names in Vancouver-type towns the world over. More than one A-lister had foundered on those shoals. Ask Scarlett J.
Hewitt had bitched about it. “I’m Jennifer Love Hewitt,” she’d said; she’d actually played that card. Studio wouldn’t go for it. Studio wanted support for IKWYDLS. Lowndes was the body type; Lowndes had done yeoman’s work in Vancouver; Lowndes had kept up her profile on Hallmark. First-choice Chabert turned down the fight, but gladly worked with Jess to prep. Ditto Elisha Cuthbert. Everyone wanted to see Jenny’s tired old ass get beat.
FIGHT NIGHT
Jenny past her best, but she’d gotten back down to where they could cram her curves into a full-bottomed green suit with the twist-tie sides. Lowndes showed in baby blue, sported the same curves but tighter. Jen still had the big-jug thump on her side, but Jess was eyeing the later rounds. Really wanted to take the fight there.
4 rounds in, Jenny Love up 3-1. Busier than Jess expected, stepping in with the jab, then outfighting Jess toe to toe. Lowndes fighting backing up was a losing proposition. Still. Range-finding with the hook was catching Jen to jug, and by the fourth round, Jess thought she could feel Jen’s energy dip.
Mid-round work started to go Jessi’s way. Jen started to back up. Jen’s output dropped. Jen lounged grouchy in the pocket, letting Jess get off. Lowndes felt good about herself when a stubby right hand sat her down in the 7th. Just like that: 10-8 Jen, on top of the 3 heats she’d already taken. 2 point lead with 3 rounds left. Jessi’s work was cut out for her.
Lowndes upped the work rate. Lowndes bobbed in the pocket, getting off with Dwight Qawi hup-hup combos. Lowndes followed through with tidy elbows, bashing away at Jen’s increasingly sullen front. Left/right thick to Jen’s stubborn belly meat. Clean up hook to jug. Lean in and push Jen back; Walk her down. Work on her. Grind on her.
Two hooks tucked into liver put Jen huffing and puffing on one knee in the 9th. Big grin Jess Lowndes. The work was paying off: Jen was hurt; A-list pride forced her to trudge forward into punishment. Quitting wasn’t an option for legends.
Lowndes got back on hard for the 10th; knew it was close-ish because of her own trip to canvas. Jen stooped forward buns-on-ropes half asleep; mindlessly trying to go the route. Arms crossed, absorbing punishment; a chubby shell of the vixen she’d once been. Lowndes pushed her left shoulder in, planted her feet, worked short and thick, pounding hips, flanks, clubbing those jugs, picking up that chin. Jess crowded in close, pushing and punching. BELL; extra right hand cheap to cheek; Jen took it all grumpy-sullen. UD10 Jess Lowndes; came from behind to do it. Who cared how old Hewitt was? Jessi partied like she’d just ended Syd Sweeney’s career that night.
LOWNDES: 6RDS;17MINS;3SHUTS;1KNOCK;5.5 POWER;32.5GROSS;11NET
JLH: 4RDS;13MINS;1SHUT;1KNOCK;2.5POWER;21.5GROSS
If this fighting-gym had been a show...
These sketchbook battles, set in a West Coast fighting club, took place in the 90s, which leads to an obvious question: if USA Network had done a TV show based on this battlin’ gym, which 90’s TV vixens would have been cast in the principal roles? Here’s the look-book on it:
MISH: Paula Trickey. Best athlete of the era; scorchingly hot, but nice about it.
KELLY: Brittany Daniel. If Trickey had been blonde, she’d have been Kelly physically, but Daniel actually captures the personality without sacrificing physicality.
COURTNEY: Charisma Carpenter. Lighten the hair a little, she’s there. And the Charisma C who guest starred on Baywatch definitely felt she was a match for either Daniel or Trickey.
STACY: Brandy Ledford. A little undersized maybe; a little too juggy, but one look at those nasty eyes and you know Brandy captures the essence of Stacy.
TAYLOR: Gena Lee Nolin. Ol’ “Cheatin’” Gena Lee would have been a good choice for Stacy too, but whoever plays Taylor needs to be able to pull off her strength moves, and convey a certain mindless brutality. Gena’s practically type-cast for the role.
KIMMIE: Kiana Tom. Tom was the actual model for Kimmie at the time, so it’s a no brainer. If you’re going to be built that light, you gotta be that whippet-fit to believably compete.
KAREN: Nicole Eggert. Hot enough to be on Baywatch, but not hot enough to get the “A” storylines. A curvy, under-gunned girl who tries hard.
JO: Krista Allen. Terrible casting - Allen way too overtly sexy for Jo, but you can’t have a show like this and not have Krista Allen in it. Although, Krista would have enjoyed playing a brainy strategist type for a change, and it would have been fun writing a character who doesn’t compete the way she looks.
Celebrity boxing match
Drawing on hold as my eyesight’s a little cloudy at the moment. While we’re waiting for that to clear, here’s a dice-driven celebrity boxing match between Hallmark vixen Kaitlyn Doubleday and local girl (ie: fight venue’s in Vancouver, where a lot of TV production in Canada gets done) Emannuelle Chriqui.
This is something I do every year over the holidays. Lot of Hallmark movies; naturally the mind wanders. Context here is Kaity D’s in the midst of a 5 fight engagement, coming off a nice win over Jenna Dewan.
Every round is dice-driven, using my own boxing simulator/story generator. 30 dice-events over 10 rounds (assuming it goes the distance): I just interpret the results of each event subjectively. Stats at the end are for my own notes, but if you’re curious about the parameters, I’ll explain them.
KAITLYN COUBLEDAY VS EMMANUELLE CHRIQUI
BEFORE: “I’m going to feature my jab,” a frosty Kaity D said at podium. “Chip away at her, scuff her up. As she gets close, gonna work the uppercuts that got Jenna Dewan beat. That’s all I need to win, but to really punish her, I’ll open up the playbook as she breaks down. I don’t see her finishing the fight.”
“I’m looking forward to checking her chin and ribs,” Manny said with a smile. “Girls have hurt Kaitlyn in every fight she’s had here, but they haven’t really gotten on her and worked. I’m the hardest worker in the division, and once I establish position on her, I’ll be the boss!”
DURING RD1: Kaity’s a jug-jabbin’ blonde girl early, chip-chipping brunette rack; pivot-stepping round the poke. Manny dukes up, trying to walk in bobbing: Kaity lights her up midway-through via right uppercut/left hook/right uppercut - all pinpoint checks to chin. Poke-and-pivot to close out the round: SHUTOUT KAITLYN.
R2: Kaity touching’ her girl up, jabbin’ face and jug. Nimble clockwise footwork keeps Double-D safe at midrange: Manuelle bending, bobbing, trying to work her way inside. Late the round, Manny doubles up the poke, ducks inside, bounces a tidy right off blonde kidney, follows up hooks-to-breadbasket as Kaity’s forced to hunch-and-cover. KAITLYN, CLOSE
R3: Kaitlyn’s jab continues to suppress Chrique. Blonde girl with right tight to cheek as left chips and scuffs, scouring brunette face, checking those jugs. Kaity’s footwork so pretty - neat little clockwise pivots keeping her safe. Emmanuelle nibbling at her mitts, elbows in tight as she tries to bob and weave close, but she just can’t negotiate distance against trim blonde legs. SHUTOUT KAITLYN
R4: Emmanuelle finally gets her way, crowding Kaity to ropes. Brunette bumping blonde jugs with top of her head, beating blonde belly both hands, then reaching in to push apart the defences. Kaitlyn grimacing, under pressure for the first time. Manny’s bumpin’ and sluggin’ like a little bully. Down the stretch, Kaity able to scrub some tightly clipped right uppercuts jugs and face, but it’s EMANNUELLE CLOSE.
R5: Emannuelle establishing top-position at ropes: Kaity just not strong enough to push her way out of there. Blonde girl sitting in strands, covering up as brunette beats both flanks; reaches in brawny to wrestle apart the guard, looking for uppercuts in close. Sweaty, muscular stuff all Chriqui until late: Kaity able to lean back into ropes, snapping off tasty right/left/right combos of uppercuts and hooks and CHRIQUI GETS SHOOK! Manny hurt, bug-eyed as her legs give a shimmy: she reaches to clinch, putting her jugs on sale for Kaity’s opportunistic scrubbing right uppercuts in tight. KAITY STEALS ROUND LATE
R6: Kaitlyn back in charge with the jab; poor Manny’s face just wearing it. Down the stretch, Chriqui able to get inside and work, but it’s taking her too long to negotiate distance. KAITLYN
R7: Nice surge from Emmannuelle sees her bull Kaity to ropes, work her over. Blonde girl grimacing under pressure, rolling with punches, trying to block in the pocket. Doubleday snatching back the odd sneaky little uppercut as she leans back into ropes, but Chriqui won’t back off. Brunette willing to take the odd scrubber to maintain her position atop her foe. EMANNUELLE
R8: Hard-workin’ Manny walks Kaitlyn down behind a stubby jab, steers her to ropes, climbs aboard to process her. Chriqui rough with her head inside, brawny with her hands and shoulders, pushing and mauling. Kaitlyn bravely swapping body shots underneath as girls grind it out in the pocket, but this is Chriqui’s fight. More or less constant pressure, but the left hook from Chriqui stands out as it’s getting in snug behind blonde right elbow. EMANNUELLE
R9: Manny back atop Kaity at ropes. Heads grinding in on opposing shoulders/chests. Hands digging at ribs/bellies. Blind uppercuts picking up overhanging chins as girls punch on feel alone. Backs slick with sweat, shining up glossy in the hard white overhead light. Muffled gasps in receipt; feminine grunts upon giving. AND MANNY GOES DOWN! Chriqui on all fours, facing out into the crowd, eyes wide with shock: that sneaky, clipping little right uppercut of Kaity does the job! Chriqui beats the count - brunette more astonished than hurt, but fight moves back to midring as Kaity’s jab/legs retake the initiative. 10-8 KAITY
R10: Manny desperate, knows she likely needs a stoppage to win: she crowds Katy to ropes and initiates savage toe-to-toe trading. Doubleday outgunned but not overwhelmed: she can’t get out from under, but she’s calm, getting used to the pressure. Manny beating pale blonde flanks; Kaity snatching back quick-strike hooks or uppercuts, then covering up tight. Manny outworking blonde-girl, lathering at the hips and ribs, but down the stretch, those cutie-pie counter uppercuts find Chriqui’s chin again. MANNY GOES WOBBLY-BUTT! Chriqui hurt, eyes forlorn: KAITY’S SCRUBBIN’ JUG WITH CLOSE-IN UPPERCUTS. Chriqui’s lips parted, ashen faced as Doubleday plunders rack: blonde girl knows how to steal rounds with crowd-pleasing flurries. Bell sounds: Kaity smites Manny an extra hook across the chops late - KAITY STEALS ROUND, WINS FIGHT UD10
AFTER: Fight tied through 8; Kaity’s late-rounds surge pushes her over the top. Emannuelle despondent, beaten in front of her home-town crowd by one of the most hated ice-queen blondes in the game. Lotta boos as Kaitlyn makes her post fight comments in-ring. “I knew I’d beat Chriqui,” Kaity begins charitably, “just didn’t know exactly how it would look or when it would happen. But she’s a come-forward brunette; picking her apart was just a job of work for me. Honestly, even when she seemed to be working me over, she was really making things easier for me. She’s so easy to hit, I’m kinda mad I didn’t stop her. Next time!”
KAITY:6RDS; 17MINS; 2SHUTOUTS; 1KNOCK;6POWER; 32GROSS; 13.5 NET
CHRIQUI:4RDS; 13MINS; 1.5POWER; 18.5GROSS
Retro bouts: Britt Ekland
Found some old notes I wrote down, recounting the fighting career of various celebrities in the 20th century. These are dice-driven accounts: I've included the metrics that described the action, though they really only have significance for me. If you're curious about the parameters, I'll explain in a follow up note, but the stats aren't necessary to understand the accounts. The main thing is: I rolled dice once, that's it (those of you familiar with the old FCBA boxing stories will know the approach). No matter how counter-intuitive the result, that's what I kept, so the whole thing would feel like actual history.
BRITT EKLAND
OCTOBER 1973
BRITT EKLAND VS CAROLINE MUNRO (LGIS Celebrity tour)
Munro the favoured vixen coming in; understood to be the stronger of the two, but little “buzzsaw” Britt one of the highest-motor blondes of the 70s just wouldn’t cooperate.
Munro dominated the first 3 rounds as expected with her simple but effective approach: pawing out-and-down jab; fall-in sledgehammer right; workmanlike bullying in the pocket until ref’s breaks. Britt repeatedly rocked in losing 8 of the first 9 minutes, but curvy blonde legs held her up, and when Munro started breathing hard - and getting a little frustrated - Ekland pushed back with vigour.
The 4th saw Britt outwork Caroline in the pocket for the first time, sending the brunette scowling and hot-cheeked to her corner. She’d been treated roughly about the breasts, and clipped repeatedly by close-in peek-a-boo hooks as the energetic blonde bobbed and crowded, then slugged when least expected.
The 5th saw a deeply discouraged Munro try to clinch to reorganize, while Britt slammed away lusty left hands wide to hip and flank/wild overhand rights to chin. Munro stumbled forward into the onslaught, clearly lacking the skill to evade the blows, or the heart to withstand them. Reeling into the ropes, staring all gobsmacked and helpless, a badly battered Caroline Munro had to be saved by the ref, leaving a squealing and ecstatic Britt as the TKO5 victrix.
BRITT: 2RDS; 4 MINS; 1.5 POWER; 17KO; GROSS 24.5; NET 10.5
MUNRO: 3RDS; 7 MINS; 2 SHUTOUTS; 2 POWER; 14 GROSS
JULY 1977
BRITT EKLAND VS BARBARA BACH
LGIS CELEBRITY TOUR
One of the best blonde-brunette rivalries of all time, Babs Bach and Battlin’ Britt met for the first time as part of Bach’s promotional run for Spy Who loved Me. Caroline Munro was also in the movie, and she gave Bach invaluable advice on the blonde who had bested her 4 years previous.
Dropped twice in the second, once in the third, Britt struggled to compete after being hurt early. The plucky little blonde did mount something of a counterattack in the 6th and 7th, driving Bach to ropes and hurting her with prolonged bombardments, but the effort put Ekland all-in. Bach stopped an exhausted Britt in the 8th via TKO as Britt lolled on the ropes, unable to defend herself.
BABS: 6rds; 14mins; 2 shutouts; 3 knockdowns; 4 power; 7ko gross 36; net 21
BRITT: 2rds; 9mins; 1 shutout; 3 power 15 gross
SEPT 1977
BRITT EKLAND VS JULIE CHRISTIE
LGIS CELEBRITY TOUR
Christie came out of retirement to pounce upon a vulnerable-looking Ekland following Britt’s one-sided loss to Barbara Bach. It wasn’t a bad gamble: Julie C was a technical boxer who had retired in 1975 after a 10 year run as one of the classiest fighters ever to emerge from the UK. Unlike many of her contemporaries, she hadn’t been over-fought in that period, and while clearly past her prime, many pundits believed she matched up well with a fading Britt. A win would have cemented Julie as one of the best pound for pound fighters of the era…but Britt Ekland had other ideas.
Pushing Julie into the ropes, Britt began her campaign with a steady pounding of Christie’s hips and belly - holding the then-brunette down with the left while plowing away righty, then alternating. Christie’s legs weren’t what they had been even 2 years previous, and she had trouble pushing the aggressive blonde off. When a wilting Julie C began to protect her midsection, Britt would pound away tits and chin with tight-chopping hooks in close.
An 8th round rebellion saw Christie clout Britt to her backside with cute counter-punching left uppercuts, but the uprising proved to be a mirage. Britt climbed back aboard in the 8th, and with Julie sitting in the ropes, Ekland poured home enough work to earn the stoppage.
A well-trounced Christie limped back into retirement, while a rejuvenated Britt began to think about a comeback-tour for 1978. It would be a decision that would set Britt on a collision course with pretty Brooke Adams in the new year.
BRITT: 6RDS; 14MINS; 1 SHUTOUT; 5 POWER; 6KO GROSS 32; NET 15
JULIE: 2 RDS; 11MINS; 1 SHUTOUT; 1 KNOCKDOWN, 2 POWER; GROSS 17
FEBRUARY 1978
BRITT EKLAND VS BROOKE ADAMS
(LGIS Celebrity tour)
Adams could have had any fight she wanted after upsetting Farrah Fawcett 6 months previously, and in 1978, the prettiest blonde available was still Ekland. “Battlin’” Britt was at the tale end of her prime, but still a high-demand fighter: taking her on was seen as a gutsy power-move by the under-rated brunette.
In the event, Brooke dominated her sexpot foe, never once trailing in the fight, and dropping Britt 4 times (3 times in the 4th round alone!) Indeed, Britt was so badly shaken by the trouncing she took in the 4th, that she rarely threatened Adams thereafter.
Credit is due to Ekland for fighting bravely down the stretch, essentially stalemating Brooke who was content to milk the clock rather than risk getting caught. And credit to Brooke as well, an oft overlooked brunette who had bagged two of the greatest blonde names of the decade in just over 6 months time.
BROOKE: 6 RDS; 17MINS; 2 SHUTOUTS; 4 KNOCKDOWNS; 7 POWER 36 GROSS; 17 NET
BRITT: 4 RDS; 13 MINS; 1 SHUTOUT; 1 POWER; 19 GROSS