I don't know what to do.
Not like when I was young...
This is different.
This is more real.
This is like waking up from a bad dream, and realizing that the world is just as bad.
I'd put my trust in people.
I'd given them the benefit of the doubt.
And where am I now...?
When I finally started my REAL life, everything fell apart. Reality came crushing down on me...
I've made the wrong choices.
Lived many lies.
Let myself sink into a hole.
Let myself stagnate...
I have no drive.
All the desire in the world, but undeserving of any of it.
A dead end.
An unwritten chapter.
An unopened door.
Something to pitied.
Something so repulsive...
I'll have to say that it was one of the best experiences of my adult life.
The entire show was beautiful, and I completely fangirl'd out the whole time. I also cried a lot. It was just that good...
I got a lot of (bad) pictures during the concert, and am going to go through and post some of them.
All I had was my iPhone 4, so they're not in great resolution.
But! If anyone gets the chance, watch the show (I wonder if they're gonna put it on Blu-ray...they were certainly filming).
It was, all in all, money well spent and it was SOOO much better than I'd imagined.
Normally, I set my expectations low, but for this one, I set them extremely high. And was blown away!
I came home so very satisfied.
Going to the concert tomorrow!
Bleh...Climate Change sucks.
Hopefully, I'll be posting more often now.
This is vexing.
There's even a section for "Songs and Lyrics", but still no ability to post a song as Art...
This is annoying.
I wonder, then, what the process might be for sharing audio-based Art on DeviantArt might be...
I just purchased some recording software, and was looking foreword to sharing what I compose with you all (provided it doesn't suck too bad), so I was making a dummy submission with a random Mp3 from my hard drive...wanted to see what category it'd let me submit it under...but alas, there is none...
It's been quite some time since I've written a journal entry...(I know I promised to make more regular posts, but I've been very distracted lately, and haven't really found the time to spend here...sadly).
I like to add entries when I go through significant events in my life pertaining to my transition, and that's simply "going" at this point. There are a few significant things that I'v encountered, but they're a bit too personal for me to want to post them here, so I think I'm gonna hold off on them.
But anyway! I wanted to talk about something that's...potentially offensive. I normally keep myself out of the political landscape, and actively avoid debate (largely because I find the entire political sub-culture nauseating), but...being what I am, I don't think I can avoid all of that stuff for very long.
One group within the political arena in particular draws my ire. A group that I have been exposed to for my entire life. Christianity.
Now...before I start I want to say that this is strictly an opinion piece, and I've been doing a lot of research on the subject, as it pertains to me, and I have no issue with christians in general. I was born into a christian home, and raised as such. They are mostly good people (or at least have good intentions).
I'm bringing this issue up due to something a christian said to me some time ago, that really stuck with me, both for the manner in which it was spoken, and the implications and controversy currently surrounding the issue in the media today. I forget the exact wording used, but the general sense of it was "I'm almost afraid of being a christian right now, because we're going to be discriminated against." The speaker have an innocent shrug, almost looking over their shoulder.
My jaw nearly dropped at the statement, and candor of it, and I was left speechless for several minutes (which caused a mild amount of discomfort, and effectively killed the conversation, which had been largely about the difficulties I was facing with my transition).
I've been churning thoughts about how I've been treated by some of the more extreme conservative christians I've met for years (I was subject to a gay bashing or three when I came out as bi in high school, more than once being referred to as "an abomination against god"...which basically taught me to be afraid of being "not regular"). This is a very real issue for me, and I've been a victim for most of my life because of it (no longer, though).
I've been discriminated against.
I've been hated.
I've been assaulted.
Not exclusively by christians, but there has been a definite majority of instances perpetrated by them.
I am taken aback by the...ignorance of the statement, and fear of being the target of discrimination by a modern christian. I still don't quite know what to say about it.
Would it be poetic justice for some of them to feel that kind of fear? The kind of fear that I've been living with since I became self-aware, at the behest of they themselves?
Should this kind of hate be administered to those whom have administered more of the same hate towards me?
Should I enjoy this "retribution"?
I'm torn. I don't want ANYONE to feel what I've felt, to be in this constant state of living hell that I've been in, always looking over my shoulder to expect physical pain due to me simply being who and what I am.
It's the worst.
Nobody should have to feel that.
...did they have it coming?
I hate when these kinds of thoughts enter my mind. They are definitely a product of the fear that I've lived in, and I firmly stand against this kind of reciprocation.
I wanted to get these thoughts out, though. I can't help but have them sometimes...
I hope that I have not offended anyone with these musings, and I apologize. I hold no ill-will towards anyone for any reason, and I love you all.
(PS: As I'm finalizing this very entry, I'm feeling a twinge if apprehension. There are things here that I would have never said out loud several years ago, and I'm mildly fearful of the potential consequences...But! I've gained all of the confidence that I should have had growing up, so I've made my decision to stick with these consequences.)
The busy season at work is tapering off! FINALLY! I’ve been beating myself up about having to work on holidays when my friends all have those days off and get to hang out.
New years in particular, bugs the tar outta me. I don’t think I’ve had a new years day off since I started working at Target. Which is bullshit, if you ask me…in my specific job, I have nothing to freaking do on holidays. No vendors show up, there’re no third-party deliveries, and everyone at HQ has the day off, so I don’t even have the chance to process a new-and-exciting product recall.
Makes me want to scratch my eyes out with boredom.
In preparation, this year, I brought my PSP, and spent the day (for as long as I could stomach sitting there) level-grinding and fighting bosses in my new-favorite RPG: Black★Rock Shooter, so I wasn’t too bored…though, it was still hell sitting there, at my desk, doing nothing all day.
But! As I haven’t posted here in a while, I wanted to give an update, though brief, on my transition; everything is going spectacularly. I’m “out” to pretty much everyone, and the people who matter are supportive. My mother keeps asking me questions about it, and demands regular updates.
Physically, my breasts are still growing, and are much more noticeable now. I do require a bra, as they are very sensitive, and bounce a bit (even though they’re still small A’s), but the fact that they’re becoming obvious (unless I wear billowy-loose shirts) makes me incredibly happy and excited!
For x-mas, I got three presents (despite having told everyone I know that I didn’t want anything, due to not having the financial capability of reciprocating).
The first was a “Welcome to Night Vale; Glow Cloud” t-shirt, from my awesome roommates (…who I’m starting to consider family, at this point).
The second was a (unique) set of dice from one of my only friends from high-school. I think I’ll post a picture of them.
And finally, my mother got me a SEGA Genesis; Classic Game Console. Freaking Epic. It’s a lot smaller than the original Genesis, and the controllers that come with it are “wireless”…(infra-wireless, so you have to aim the things at the receiver on the console), but it has plugs for classic controllers. It also comes with 80 classic games built-in (most notably Sonic 1, 2, &Knuckles…but not 3…), so I plan on purchasing some classic controllers, and maybe some classic cartridges for it. My friends and I have already spent one half-drunk evening playing Sonic 2, and I look forward to enjoying the crap out of this nostalgic, 16-bit console.
I hope this is a good-enough update for the moment…I’m sure I left things out, and I’ll post as I remember, but, to everyone; Happy belated, religiously-unspecified, accepting-of-lifestyles, financially-responsible, and all around FUN, X-mas/New-Years! *hugs everyone…at the same time*
There are several people whom i love, deeply, in this world, and i wanted to give them some credit here. I don't use my name, so i won't be using any of their names either.