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7/31/07

It was brought up recently in a place where such conversations are safe, that in a Christian home we grew up expected to be happy. We learned to stuff our other feelings, because they were inappropriate.

I remember my father telling me to smile or not to look so moody. I spent a lot of time in other worlds, I didn't mean to look anything. It hurt when he said that. Like he had to be in control of everything about me all the time. And it's not like he ever asked if there was something wrong. Because nothing was ever wrong. (Unless I asserted some sort of independent thought.)

How was it any of his business? People cannot always smile. And they certainly cannot look like whatever someone else feels they need the person to look like at that moment. It is purely absurd to think otherwise. And abusive. If I gave any negative reaction to his order, I was in for another lecture, or at least unkind words.

Parents, do not do this to your children. Please.

Meanwhile, I continue to learn who I am without the restrictions I've had for so long. At almost thirty, perhaps others would think I am starting too late. I don't care. I feel like I have lived forever already, and I may have many more years to live still. I am starting over now, life is new, and I can be myself and see what the future holds.
This originally ended at the line that petitions parents not to make the same mistakes mine did... but I thought it needed a more positive ending. It was all written at the same time though. Those who don't know me should note that I have Asperger's Syndrome that went undiagnosed for about 25 years.


Weapons of choice: real life, random notebook of d00m, WordPad, LiveJournal's spellchecker
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:iconconceptcat:
ConceptCat Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
23 years here. :hug: I was always yelled at for just about everything, especially not making eye contact with my grandfather when he was talking to me or lecturing me. :( Even my teachers were abusive.
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug: Oh gods I hated that, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Yeahhhh, nobody had diagnosed that I had high-functioning autism. Eye contact. Hard. Very hard. Regardless, lectures are hard enough without further forced orders. And... the mother unit was my teacher from 4th grade through graduation. :dead:

Are you free now? :o
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:iconconceptcat:
ConceptCat Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Am I free now from all of that? Yeah, thank God. But am I free as a single person or not, no I'm married. LOL! I hope you were asking if I was free from all that. YES!!! I completely moved out of Indiana and away from everyone! I have no family here or anything in Louisiana, I absolutely love it.

Things are so much better. I'm not use to being around people though, so that raised my anxiety and depression level so now I'm on medication for that. I had to talk over and over with my husband the other night to try to explain to him about myself and how I see the world and just everything. I even had him watch "Temple Grandin - Focus on Autism and Asperger's Syndrome" to give him a better understanding.

It's very hard to explain it to someone whom is a neurotypical. Thank God for people like Temple Grandin because I couldn't get it all out in words.

What type are you? I'm a visual thinker. I'm really into art and music. I also like things such as science, medicine, biology, things of that sort. I struggle with reading, english, math, social studies, the basics lol. Science in school was hard and easy. When the math and measurements came in with the science I struggled, but everything else was easy.
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
:giggle: Yay for just figuring out you're a girl. :highfive: Ya think for someone who tends to use a male alter ego's icon a lot, I'd learn not to make assumptions. :XD:

Oooh, I haven't seen this Temple Grandin work, I should look it up. :D (And I'm actually reeeeally overstressed right now and it's not going to let up until after Saturday... feels like this week just isn't going to end! :faint:) ...where was I... oh right, I desperately want to move to CA, and I know nobody in San Fran either, which is my destination of choice pending... whatever happens. I have never liked the east coast but for the moment I'm stuck here waiting on... hmm... mostly an older SSI case that I'm hoping goes through this time. It's on appeal for the... I forget how many times this is now. Ironically I do have SSI now... but from a newer application. If that makes no sense, join teh club! :dead:

I'm a visual thinker as well, but until university I did well in all subjects (though I was mostly homeschooled soo... I have in the end had to throw out most of what I learned anyways). I buried myself in books from an early age but lately been burned out... in fact that's how I tend to work, I obsess to death over something and then burn out. You prolly know the feeling, eh? At one point last year I was even reading and writing junk in a notebook about quantum physics. Haven't touched it since. :laughing:

Aaaand I can't think... I'll try and get to answering your other comments when I haz brain. :D
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:iconconceptcat:
ConceptCat Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
LOL!!! It's okay. That's actually an image of my husband I fiddled with, haha.

Yeah my mom's on SSI for her mentality. She got on it like in her late 20's early 30's. She's Bipolar 1, multiple personality disorder and I think something else, I don't remember. Each time she tells me, I forget later.

I get burn outs so much. I'm actually burned out on just about everything and have been for a long while. I wish I could snap myself out of it. I really think they put me on too much medicine and it caused my depression to worsen, but my anxiety is ok.

LOL, that's okay to.

Here's the link:

[link]=PlayList&;p=0740E3990F864626&index=0&;playnext=1

I had my husband watch it, he was kind of bored. It explains autistics and asperger's and tells how to work with them. It's kind of a video meant for parents to understand their children more and how to work with them. The scientist doing the presentation has asperger's as well. :) I liked the presentation anyways.

Warning, it's over an hour long, haha.
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm not actually on any medication (regimens that is, I have Imitrex and Tylenol as-needed), I can't handle it... and the trial runs I did messed me up bad. I can't prove it, but Zoloft screwed my memory. :dead: Even Lunesta gave the whole right side of my body severe pain, I almost went to the ER. If it had been the left side or arm (it started in my right arm and got worse over three days) I would have gone regardless. It was the Lunesta though, because I realized it was the most recent change and as soon as it was out of my system I was fine. I hope you can figure your meds out. I wonder in 100 years what doctors will think of the crazy crap shrinks are giving patients today.

DA murders YouTube links ^^; but I found the video earlier and linked it to a couple friends. Some of the analogies made me laugh, but I don't like some of her control issues (or the religion issues :| but that's a whole other ball of wax with me) and I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic on what appear to be some real anger issues. But eh, she is a whole other generation. I think the presentation was useful overall, and I like how she skips around topics, leaves thoughts hanging because something else is more interesting, etc. In a way, just watching her talk about stuff would give someone a good idea of how AS manifests in someone brave enough to give a talk (or just plain talk openly).
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:iconconceptcat:
ConceptCat Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Yeah it's pretty cool that the speaker herself has AS.

As far as my medications go, yeah... I was on Zoloft too, I had like a convulsion from it and yes it screwed my memory up to. I don't want to go back on Cymbalta, however. It makes me more irritable and very nervous

Man girl, you should really write a book. All this information about the drugs they give us and AS...I just don't know anymore.
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Eep! I was on a fairly low dose of Zoloft... it didn't do crap for me, and beyond the memory issues it made my hands shake and stuff. At that time all I had left was drawing. Take that away, I had nothin. Got off Zoloft at any rate. -.-

I thought about writing an autobiography for Nanowrimo (tho I think that's supposed to be fiction? I wouldn't have counted it then, but it would have been a way to start). You're not the first to say I should write a book... and I've thought it myself. In the end tho... so much of my life has been awful... PTSD is a biatch. I can't seem to handle it yet. Maybe ... someday ...?
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Saphiroko Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
I hug you too! :hug:
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww thankye! :heart: Hugs all around! :hug:
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:iconaumarra:
aumarra Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:

Things like that are somewhat true for me... People frequently tell me that I have to smile and do all that 'happy and fun' stuff that other people do.

But that's just not who I am. I'm typically a moody, quiet person that has a short temper and smiles once every million years.

I swear, one of these days, I'm going to explode because of this.
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, when people tell you to be something you aren't, the real-you-feelings builds up inside of you if you can't let them out... :explosion:

:hug: I guess some people can't live with the thought of other people not behaving exactly like they think they should... :shakefist: ...pooh to them! :P
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:iconaumarra:
aumarra Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Some people just don't seem to get that some of us are different.
Some people are bright and happy, others are moody and :raincloud:
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:icontirsden:
tirsden Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
Aye, especially when other people are messing with their world. :shakefist:
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