8:45am - alarm goes off. I've had 4 hours of sleep. partly to blame is the current AMV project. partly insomnia. both in part due to worry about today. needed the stress relief. fuck, it hurts now though. was already behind on sleep as it was.
9:20am - finally stop hitting snooze alarm and get up. was having Digimon dreams. please... please let me go back to that...
ETA to overload: 4 hours 50 minutes and counting.
10:10am - bus. I hate busses. at least I can step foot in them now. sunglasses on and music in headphones as always. brain is trying to be somewhere else.
10:34am - arrive at doctor's office early for appointment. play Digimon World DS. read Neuromancer.
11:00am - appointment time comes and goes.
waiting - someone else mentions to the front desk that they were asked to come in at 11.
still waiting - girl next to me is feeling dizzy whenever she stands up. I ask her what time her appointment was. it is obvious it has already passed. she says 11am. I tell her about the other one scheduled for the same time. that person has already been seen.
still waiting - my back is killing me from the stupid chairs. front desk person actually acknowledges I'm here by seeming surprised at my name being on the check-in list. she saw me come in. I'm hard to forget. blue hair will do that. I can't concentrate on the novel anymore. I try Blender, some pop-music thing I can't make it into more than a few pages. let's try the food magazine... cuz it's there...
stillllll waiting - sick girl finally gets her turn. if the doctor had tried to see me first I would have defaulted to her. she's fuckin' sick. I'm just... waiting...
12:30pm or so, gave up keeping track - finally start appointment. new lady doctor joining the biz. both proceed to tell me they don't think I have Asperger's Syndrome. they also prove they know shit about it. standard clinical definition my ass. whatever. the lady seems to start me at ground zero as if I am a new patient, the usual doctor is off doing whatever. I have to try and explain my medical history all over, and also manage to get into some uncomfortable mental health territory. I haven't eaten since 9:30am. and I'm trying not to be a bundle of nerves. hah. and I get to come back next month. luuuuuuuuuucky meeeeeeeeee.
1:15pm - standing out in the hall finally, trying to recover. music back in ears. sunglasses. walk.
1:20am - trying not to cry while walking down sidewalk. sunglasses help hide the fail. pull plastic ring off water bottle lid and proceed to turn my fingers red twisting it. pain helps shift what's building up.
waiting for bus - usually I'm carspotting at this point. I just want the cars to go away now. I can't handle the movement. I keep shutting my eyes, the music is becoming overwhelming too but it is less so and I can turn it up and drown everything else out and hope I make it.
1:35pm - bus. managing to stay at the brink of overloading. feel like puking. want to get off at my stop... know I should get off one early and pick up stupid activity calendar for this bullshit residential system full of crock. and check in with apartment leader for rescheduling meeting today that didn't happen yesterday because... he wasn't in. and nobody called us and told us that... while we sat and waited...
1:55pm - off the bus. fresh air helping. still trying not to cry. still feel like puking. fake my way through the office. stupid shit taken care of. calendar in hand. I can stop torturing my fingers soon. yes, still doing that. it helped keep me sane on the damn bus.
2:10pm - overload. made it to the couch. 30 seconds of face in cushions before tears arrive. roommate is supposed to be at work but not sure. moved to bedroom. proceed with meltdown. I need to eat. I can't stop crying and I just want a goddamn hug and life is so fucking miserable and I hate this and... how am I supposed to eat when I feel like puking? nevermind the whole crying thing.
3:00pm - finish writing this. I'm not even going to check it for edits. I'm that fucked up. (edit: ha ha. I couldn't leave it alone. so much fail.) I feel a little better after eating... I need to go grocery shopping. badly. hah. fuck. I should just go to sleep. for two hours before... apartment meeting. I want to work on the AMV again. was looking forward to it. can't be creative now though. I'm coherent... I guess... I'm typing this, right? but still overloading.
I had a bad day.
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Weapon of choice: life
Weapon of choice: life