I actually have a cold right now lmao
Literally 9 months since I posted okie dokie artichokie...
So January through April was awful with bits of good. But I kept trying to enforce progress.
Friend of mine practically kidnapped me to her house for a week in May to give me a break from EVERYTHING.
Bless her. She's wonderful. Did I mention I'm gonna be a Matron of Honor at her wedding next year? Heck yeah. So honored!!
And he's such a good guy I'm so happy for her
But they really helped enlighten me on a lot of stuff I just did not notice.
Like my lack of sleeping, my paranoia, my stress levels... Just. Fresh eyes I guess. Less surrounded by people all caught up in the same vortex. Less having to put my mess aside to tend to others and actually be tended to myself.
Been going to therapy monthly. Really helpful in keeping me on track. She's so passionate about my case.
Then the end of May came up. And Mom scared me really bad which led to me yelling at people until I had a breakdown and apologized. I literally had NOT slept the night before because all I could see was my Dad... being dead. In all the places I had seen his body, the hospital, the funeral home, the casket, the cemetery. I was plain exhausted but it was no excuse to lash out at people. But for once they understood and helped me undertake measures for it.
I had an upcoming regular checkup with my primary care doc, we talked about my low key insomnia (I get an average of 2-4 hours a night if I slept at all), and my "day-mares." I'd get caught up in my head in hypothetical situations that I'd follow through trying to plan and account for everything and worrying over this and than and then I'd "come to" and it'd be an hour or 3 later. I'd lose literal hours stressing out over hypothetical situations in my head that are tough to snap out of. Happens a lot when I'm driving too.
Long story short, my PCP was quite horrified at my situation and that I waited so long to say something. Though it wasn't so much "waiting" as I didn't really realize or notice any of it until I spent a week with my friend and realized "hey some of this may not be... normal." She and her fiance were the first to point out I may have a fresh case of PTSD from the very sudden and traumatic event of my father dying. I just never thought about it because i was too busy taking care of everyone else and half-manhandling them into proper care routines (going to doctors, getting necessary medicines, diets, sleeping regimens, etc).
So my doc put me on this med called Mirtazapine to help me sleep at night.
(Incidentally it also treats my major depressive disorder, my anxiety, and my original case of PTSD)
Now, my Mom, when she heard about it she winced (not mentioned: a failed conversation where I told mom about my struggles and ways I can correct them both with meds and with routines taught to me by my doctor just an hour ago. Mom's reaction: "I should have just had you committed as a child. :/" Me for weeks after: "Is... Was that a bad thing she said to me???" Everyone else: "WTF?!?!?!")
So anyway, I've been on the medicine and it's been WONDERFUL. I've asked my doctor to extend my prescription to the end of this year actually. And I think I mentioned I was underweight in my January post?
I've gone from 132lbs to 182lbs since June 5th. Please remember I'm 6ft tall, so I'm only just now edging out of the "ideal" zone within the BMI scale. But my cardiologist is super happy about it (saw her a couple weeks ago). My PCP is thrilled. My therapist is like "Where???"
I actually fill my clothes out now. I always had trouble finding clothes that fit me cause I thought I was too broad in places. No. I was just underweight lol. My shirts actually fit me now and they're a consistent size now! I've had to go up in pants BUT THEY FIT ME NOW WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH ALL THE HASSLE?!?!
And for the first time in years I actually feel Present?
I had my birthday in June (thank you to those of you kind enough to leave me birthday messages
) and I felt ALIVE just sitting there with my family??
I feel so GOOD now?
I actually can get up in a decent amount of time without sleeping in to 4pm or 5pm all the time!
I'm up before noon now!
I'm eating more and better!
I'm slowly getting round to exercising!!
I'M BACK IN SCHOOL!!!
I DREW STUFF!!!
I WROTE STUFF!!!
I'm gonna finish out this Bachelors in English in hopefully less than 2 years.
AND I HAVE A PLAN FOR MY FUTURE?!
I want to get a degree in Library Sciences!! Whether I become an actual Librarian or work in a variety of other jobs depending on my focus, it's all open!
I HAVE A FUTURE?!
I'm just... SO EXCITED and looking forward to things again!!
And yeah it might just be the medicine talking. But you know what? I've worked DAMN hard for almost a decade to make my situation better so that I can feel better!!! And it wasn't working. Everything kept tanking in every damn direction everytime I got a foot in a door somewhere.
So I made the me INSIDE feel better, so I can actually get out there and do the work needed. Then I won't need the medicine anymore.
So I'm on it for the rest of this semester.
And then? We'll see.
Now, I've been hella busy since June. Even more so since I started class in August. Which was a clusterfuck of it's own, omfg.
But I"m here.
And I'm moving forward.
And I'm EXCITED.
I'll try to remember to update with art and Maybe my bullet journaling escapades! Cause that's my new coping mechanism and I'm having lots of fun with it.