E-mails from the front
Hello dear. Today we have a holiday on the military base - we fly to the Mushroom Kingdom! It's very far. The guys say, even further than Bumpsy Plains. The command warned that the war would be very difficult, because it was very hot there. In the morning Bowser addressed us with a speech on the pager. He explained that the leader of the Mushroom Kingdom does not want to share oil, which means that he is against democracy. Now the main duty of the Co-Kingdom is to bring democracy to the Iraqis, because we - the American people - are the chief distributor of democracy in the world. The colonel said that our president is a very courageous man, once he ventured to fight with the kingdom that is beyond ours.
In a word, we are all confident of a quick victory, because we have Bowser's blessing and the most modern weapons: anti-personnel diapers, forest fruit flavors, sugarless grenades ... And one more good news. Now you will see me quite often on TV. TV will show battles live, between the television series "Death from the toothpick" and the talk show "The effect of solar storms on cellulite in the males of Californian turtles." I promise you to wave your hand during every fight.
And do not worry about me, I took a sunscreen.
Hello, honey. We flew to the Mushroom Kingdom. It's really very hot here. The sergeant warned us that there will be fighting tomorrow. This he learned on the radio. He also said that the British, the Spaniards and the Poles will be at war with us. But he did not say on whose side. further ... Of course, we were frightened by the command that in this war there will be inhuman deprivations: there are no conditioners in the dugouts, trenches without showers ... but we are heroes! We will survive all! Even if during a fight they will not carry Coca-Cola with ice. And in the evening camouflaged carts with oxen drove into the camp with songs and yelp. It came to fight the Ukrainian chemical protection battalion. They look very beautiful against the background of the lawn in their deserted camouflage. After them came some Estonians, Lithuanians and Latvians. The sergeant claims that these are tribes from American reservations that are in the back of Europe. However, the leaders of these tribes are very kind, they even sent humanitarian aid to the children of the Mushroom Kingdom: Estonians - two wagons with food, Lithuanians - four waggons with clothes, and Latvians - two hundred waggons with textbooks of the Latvian language! But most importantly, they attached a company of lawyers to our platoon. So do not worry, if I'm even slightly injured, Toads will have to pay a decent insurance. Unfortunately, there were no fights yet, and I could not wave your hand.
Today we left for the first time on the position. We were not warned that they would shoot here, so many of our soldiers urgently demand to return them home. These Iraqis turned out to be real savages, they do not understand that we occupy their villages legitimately, with the approval of Senate Coope Kingdom. The day before yesterday they generally perfidiously bombarded our plane, peacefully bombed their city. The command strictly warned us that no one would surrender. The Iraqi military is terribly tortured: they do not give popcorn, take DVD players, forbid putting their feet on the table and using a thread to clean the interdental space. But we feel like heroes. But the worst thing is that we were given Ukrainian gas masks. They so smelled of bacon and garlic that we decided: we'd better breathe mustard and sarin. Tell your son that Papa will always return alive if he does not get a Ukrainian gas mask.
Every day we are here all the harder. For a month now we feel the smell of garlic, that somewhere near is the Ukrainian chemical protection battalion. One day, when the wind blew from their side, our sergeant was so dizzy that he fell from an armored personnel carrier. The nurse wanted to give him an anti-tetanus shot. But he sued her for sexual harassment. True, the strongest of all because of this smell was our anti-aircraft gunners who shot down an English plane. Idiots! Why did they do this? Yet they know that two hundred dollars are paid for the destroyed Iraqi, and nothing is paid for the Englishman. Residents of the Mushroom Kingdom were completely barbarians. They do not know that we are the strongest in the world, and they continue to attack us all the time. Our latest laser-positron devices for the failure of enemy sights do not work, because these savages have no sights. Last week, we were sent supernova helicopters, which fly so low that they are not detected by any tracking systems. So the day before yesterday some peasant, to whom this helicopter interfered to process the field, knocked him down with a hoe. Bowser has already asked the Senate for five billion dollars for anti-skid protection and anti-slam doc- trine. But most of all I'm sorry for the sergeant. In battle, he was hit by a bullet through a roll of toilet paper, and he called a sanitary helicopter with a toilet. Now Bowser is very bad, has been suffering for seven hours, waiting for a helicopter. We do not know if he will survive until evening. Honey, I know you're worried about me. Do not. The other day reinforcements come to us. Two more divisions of lawyers.
Today is the most terrible day: the stray popcorn and the field McDonald's are lost somewhere. And the advance of our tanks was suspended, as a red light caught the traffic light. It turned out that these savages were spoiled by traffic lights. And we stood at the crossroads until the evening. In desperation that the war will soon end, and I still do not get on the television screen, I began to wave in front of the camera to you with two hands. The journalists finally noticed me and showed me on the television with the credits: "Koopa Solder's heroically surrendered under the Mushroom Kingdom." Hooray, I became a TV star!
Close to the Castle of Peach. On the way we met many dry trees with twisted leaves, a lot of dead birds, insects and moles with bulging eyes. So, here was the Ukrainian chemical protection battalion. He helped us out. Unable to withstand the smell of onions, the Mushroom troops fled the city. After which our troops entered heroically.
E-mail № 7
In the castle began looting. We were unexpectedly attacked by the Ukrainian chemical protection battalion and tried to take away everything that we took from the inhabitants of the Mushroom Korlolevs. It turned out that Ukrainians do not get paid at all, they said: "What you will get in there, yours". There were no such strong battles during the entire war.
If I do not return, tell my son that his father was a real American - a heroic bearer of democracy.