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About Literature / Hobbyist Devan BaetzMale/United States Group :icontheupygwtffactory: TheupygWTFFactory
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Deviant for 12 Years
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With Strange Aeons :icontheultamate:TheUltamate 1 2
Road Trip Chapter 1
Road Trip, Chapter One: In Which Sandwiches are Entirely Inedible
This was, as Karkat had been hoping, going to be a safe day. Safe days were often hard to come by because it meant going the entire day without a major federal offense and keeping every other nooksucker in the fucking hive from destroying everything. They had a little sign in the greeting hall that read DAYS SINCE LAST CLUSTERFUCK; the number currently hanging below the sign was 2. Karkat was just about to replace it with 3 for the night when Terezi hurriedly opened the front door and began to briskly walk upstairs. "Neighbor Phil's house is on fire, don't ask, and it's probably considered arson," she told nobody in particular. "Also, his septic system backed up and his backyard is now a swamp, most of his windows are broken, and his fridge is empty. Phil's in Ulan Bator, visiting family, but it's only a matter of time before someone calls 911."
Karkat boggled at her, 3 in
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 6 1
Bandcram Chapter 5
Bandcram, Chapter Five: In Which Bandcram Performs
Karkat returned to find the various equipment stacked haphazardly in the middle of the lane and one less troll in the immediate area. "I have two questions for you idiots: one, why did you put our shit in the middle of goddamn everything, and two: where the hell did Spongebrain Musclehead go?"
Sollux shrugged. "For number one, that wathn't me. For two, he ran off after he dumped the boxeth everywhere. Thaid thomething about 'dealing with these lowbloodth to enthure the highblooded victory'." He looked disinterestedly at a fingernail. "Tho he'th probably trying to thabotage the otherth."
Karkat rubbed his temples. "Fuck. Where's Gamzee?"
Gamzee peeked around a stack of boxes. "What the motherf-"
"Gamzee, you moron, move these fucking things out of the way. There are people trying to get though."
One small car was on the other side of the towers. The octogenarian at the wheel had fallen asleep.
"You motherfucking got it."
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 7 1
The Story of Darth Gol Stoier
The Story of Darth Gol Stoier by 0jedi234
Gol Stoior was a jedi knight from the Planet Laldon that became a Jedi after the Sith were destroyed but the EMpire was stull there in hiding
Gol went to go find a sith loord named Darth Kaddak on on ansteroed bar in far away from Jedi command in his spaceship which had navigation droid named R7-R. "Good day Master Gol" sad R7R- "Hellow R7 today we kill a suth in hiding"
"whore do we go"
"to the gatava asteroed feild" and they goed there
Gol Stoier got to the asteroid bar and found the sith lord in the back bacause he knew gol was coing for him
"darth Kaddak!" and the whole bar became quieit "I ahve come to killing you!"
but Kaddak didnt move so when Gol Stoier went to him Kaddak attacked! He threw the table with Force and into the wall acrost the room at Gol Stoier but jumped and cuts in in half just and threw a half at Darth Koddak which hit only nearly and wasnt to hut u whole but it was a trick
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 0 0
Spires by TheUltamate Spires :icontheultamate:TheUltamate 3 2
Unsettling Poetry, Vol II
do you remember
was it important
i wa lkin andt hereisBL OODONTHE EFLOO Rrunni ngu pt
hewallsli keID O NTEVENKNOWandy ouju stsatt he reas ifn
othin g wasg oingwr ongA SIFNOTHI NGCOUL DEVERG OWR
ONGtelli ngyours elfOVERA NDO ER(asi ftoc onvince yours
elf)th atNOTHINGCANGOWRONG nothingcangowrong E V E
can anything be changed
allyouhear is FEEDBACK
step back
im waiting
singing and dancing (but unrightfully so) you
take what is DEAR and CLOSE TO THE
and crush it with no hope of recovery
I CAN READ YOU BUT why bother
The grain splits toward the mountain path before me (to what I can't remember) spiraling up and down what choices do I have do I ascend the spiraling staircase or do I allow for my downward fall
if i choose not do decide have i still made a choice
living under guise OF YOUR FATHERS NAME
you allow words to rule you but yo
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 0 0
Waiting by the Window by TheUltamate Waiting by the Window :icontheultamate:TheUltamate 0 0 The Ascendance by TheUltamate The Ascendance :icontheultamate:TheUltamate 0 0 The Fistening by TheUltamate The Fistening :icontheultamate:TheUltamate 1 0
Unsettling Poetry
before it all ends IT MUST BEGIN
(i feel like ive done this again and again)
PASSING EQUALLY LIKELY endlessly mine...
what can be seenWHAT CANT BE SEEN
is theVOID REALLY THEREor is it a metaphor
for what lies beyondBEYOND WHAT CAN BE FOUND
ARE THE MISTAKES ALL MINEare the sounds all gone
(i have to wonder)where the light has gone
TWISTINGturningBURNING(the light is gone)
is there
we are the silence in the song
we are the flesh within the stone
but what are we
with stranger pasts <
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 2 1
Bandcram Chapter 4
Bandcram, Chapter Four: In Which the Trolls Arrive Once More at Walmart
"About fucking time," Karkat grumbled. Eridan, the last remaining member of Bandcram, entered the garage.
"Shut up, I had to find my guitar."
Vriska sneered at the Fender knockoff. "Where'd you get it, a jumpstart kit?"
"And hwhat if I say yes?"
"Oh, Jesus."
"Both of you, stick it where the sun don't blister." Karkat surveyed the sorry sadsacks. Equius and Gamzee were putting the final cymbals in place. Tavros was hiding from Vriska behind Sollux, who was tuning one of the bass necks. Vriska was still leering at Eridan, who was trying to look like he knew how to tune a guitar. Nepeta sat atop the discarded drum boxes, anticipating practice.
Karkat pointed at her. "What's she doing here."
Sollux looked up and shrugged. "I don't know. Thhe jutht thort of followed me here." He frowned at the lower neck. "My drop G soundth bad."
Karkat ignored that. "So, now that we- Vriska, pay attention- now that we have an ac
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 4 3
Bandcram Chapter 3
Bandcram, Chapter Three: In Which Percussive Instruments Are Stolen And Faygo Is Consumed
"Now, Gamzee," Karkat repeated, "tell me why we're going to Big Harold's House of Drums Emporium."
"Motherfuck, that's, like, the fourth motherfucking time you've asked me that," Gamzee said from the bus seat from behind the driver's. "We need to go and get the motherfuck out of some motherfucking drums."
"...get some motherfucking Faygo?"
Karkat slammed his face into the wheel. The horn, which, somewhat fittingly, had been replaced with a sound file of Gamzee screaming HoNk, startled the subcompact in front of them.
"No, Gamzee. No Faygo. The correct answer is 'nothing.' Absofuckinglutely nothing else. We buy drums and we get the fuck out. Get it?"
"You motherfucking got it."
"Now, what is it we're going for?"
"Uh, fuck, hold on, I've got this..."
Big Harold's House of Drums Emporium wasn't as large as its name implied. 'Big' or 'emporium' did not readily app
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 7 0
Creative Writing Journal, February
2/3--F(X)UND Y(X)U--
"It</b>'s here!" Alice practically exploded through the door. "It</b>'s h- aieee!"
My vision clouded and a low static hum pounded in my ears. The entire room looked like it had its contrast turned up all the way. Alice's scream sounded more like droning feedback. I turned around in what felt like slow motion. It</b> was standing there, arms outstretched.
--2/6Theatre of Minds--
Shadows through what does not yet rise
Time slows to a gentle creep
Below the stars and above the Earth
The harp gently weeps
What song plays for what does not exist
Does the song exist at all
2/6--What New Mystery--
faith can only go
as far as you can yourself
do we really die
2/9--Long Way from Home--
"You're a long way from home, boy," the frog said in the voice of Morgan Freeman being autotuned.
I turned to face the frog. It was bright yellow. "I'm
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 0 0
Creative Writing Journal, January
1/3--Descriptive Practice--
The Green Sun far beyond the eternal void floated in its nest of dimensions, safe and vulnerable at the same time. In the darkness of the Furthest Ring, the Horrorterrors thrashed and floated, speaking in a thousand tongues all at once. The forever is eternal. It has me. I am nothing within everything else.
Yet does eternity not end one day?
1/6--Benstilir's Recruiting Mission--
Bláqlebuh, the patron deity of Fistism, was not pleased.
He had a good yesterday. Some aliens had rediscovered the true meaning of Fistmas and he got to explode out of a giant sentient pot roast monster. Today, though, nothing was going well. He was being interrupted from his soaps to be told about the omniverse's possible impending doom: the double whammy.
"...and if Tqhhdrk gets that Universe Core, basically everything is going down..."
Who was this guy again? Benstilir of the Shades or something? Bláqlebuh thought he said he was from 'the Brotheon,'
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 0 0
The Meaning of Fistmas: or: Karkat Gets Punched
"What," Karkat screamed as he stomped down the stairs, "the holy hollering hell is all this?"
"This," Kanaya stated flatly, pointing at twelve socks nailed to the fireplace, "is a human holiday tradition."
"Did you-what-you nailed my socks to the mantle!"
"As is tradition." Kanaya showed a brief sign of being worried. "I think."
"And what is Feferi doing on the ladder?"
Feferi turned and flashed a smile. "Helping!"
"She said it herself. Helping. Namely, stringing up the traditional multicolored lights."
"Of all the people to put on the ladder, you pick the disaster magne-"
As if on cue, Gamzee stumbled into the archway Feferi was putting lights over, carrying an extremely tall pile of cardboard boxes. "Shit, man, do not even say what I motherfucking think you are about to say." He tripped over a snarl of lights and ran into the ladder, making the inevitable happen as Feferi was thrown off her perch and into three boxes of ceramic snowmen.
"Well, shoot. There
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 22 5
Bandcram Chapter 2
Bandcram, Chapter Two: In Which Auditions are Held
When we last left our heroes, Karkat and Sollux had decided to band together!
In the very back of the troll's house, on the ground floor, was a good-sized sunroom with large windows, faux wood paneling, and a complete lack of use. Even with twelve trolls making the house a nightmare in suburbia, most of the rooms actually went unused. This was due to a multitude of reasons, each specific to the room in question: nobody used the attic because Aradia was always up there, Karkat screamed at anyone who tried to enter the home theater without his permission, nobody bothered to eat in the dining room since there was a good enough table in the kitchen, and there was a spare bedroom that Kanaya maintained for guests but, since even getting close to the house was considered risky, it was never occupied. The specific reason for the lack of use in the sunroom was similar: general apathy.
Kanaya had, some time ago, decided a beach
:icontheultamate:TheUltamate 5 1

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Since this is set to random, sometimes it spits out stuff I favorited from the very beginning of my dA account.

It makes me feel shame.


Listening to: I can't decide if I like Cash's version or Moby's version of this song. I guess I'll just have to keep listening to both until I decide, what a shame.

Yeah, I haven't been around for a while. I don't know how much that's going to change this summer, but I at least felt like I should make another journal announcing I'm still in some semblance of life. This summer I have a lot planned, and near the top of that planned list is finishing an MOC that's been mostly finished for a good long time now. I think I liked to talk Ohnahn up a lot in previous MOC entries, but I never got around to actually finishing her. This summer, I'm going to do my best to change that. If I don't have pictures of a finished Ohnahn on this account by the summer's end, someone should take away all of my Internets forever. Future Me won't like it, but Present Me which will become Past Me really needs to threaten him into getting his shit together with this project.

What else? This summer I've got my Gamecube back in working order, so I plan to power through a stack of games from when I was but a wee lad in a nostalgia fueled video game binge. I powered through all of Custom Robo's story and half the tournament nonsense a few days ago, completely worth not getting anything else done that day. Seriously, Custom Robo was such a great game. Go and find it used. It's a hit at parties for crazy people.

For the none of you that got excited when I wrote about my noise music collective, Paramus Catholic, a number of months ago, you'll be just as thrilled to hear PC has projects! Plural! in the works. We're aiming for a more refined sound with our next EP, ΔN. We're also working on something a little more lyric-based, The abyss stares back, Father.. We're also aiming to sound more pretentious as avant-garde musicians, using terms like "refined sound" and "avant-garde musicians." I'll likely scream at all of you about each album when they come out. Alternatively, there's a Facebook page you can like so I don't have to scream at you (hint: I will anyway).

What's that? Some people are expecting me to keep writing? Uh, well. Shit. So, funny story, I haven't done that in a hell of a long time. Turns out, being in seven tabletop RPGs during the school year and humoring a crippling Skyrim addiction leaves you with little time to revise a short story. Especially considering I was never that fond of Road Trip to begin with. I do have plans to keep writing more in the Trolls of Oregon continuum, though who knows when that'll take place. It's not really high on my priority list at the moment. Also, Turaga Ultamate's Tales? Hah! Definitely not a case of repeated history or anything. Don't be so silly. That's just another writing project I'll never finish. No correlation. Only two data points.

What's going on with me and school? I don't suck, so woohoo. I picked up a linguistics major because it's the one thing I can go to college for and enjoy (I was disappointed to find a distinct lack of classes about angrily blogging about meaningless topics, which is my ideal profession). If you ever want to know the difference between the various fricatives, let me know. Because I'll be able to tell you about the interesting ones.

I think that's about it for this lengthy ramble. I'm out.
  • Listening to: Johnny Cash - God&#039;s Gonna Cut You Down
  • Reading: childishGambino- Herding Cats
  • Watching: Zero Punctuation
  • Playing: Wind Waker; Skyrim; Bowser&#039;s Inside Story
  • Eating: Almonds
  • Drinking: Water


Devan Baetz
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I don't do requests, but I might be interested in writing a commission. Send me a note if you want to discuss it.

I do a lot of things. Here is where you can find my writings and the odd comic I produce.

My blog is I Hate Everything, which is mostly about me hating everything.

Paramus Catholic is an ambient post-noise band I'm a part of. Listen to and download our first album (for free!) here, like us on Facebook here, and visit the Tumblr we for some reason have here.

I'm TheUltamate on Steam, but all I do is play TF2 at FTP skill levels, so I'm never online.

You can find some MIDI music I write on my Newgrounds page (which is mostly for confusing the twelve year olds with metal that isn't Avenged Sevenfold) or my Soundcloud page.

You can also find my fanfiction on Archive of our Own if you're a hipster like that.

Some of my friends and I have a YouTube channel used for shitty short films.

I almost never use Pesterchum but I'm theUltamate on it.


Add a Comment:
Ilaezha Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Student Digital Artist
:) This is referencing a text you sent me once. You probably won't remember it, but I did and this made me think of it. [link]
Ilaezha Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for the :+fav:. Because I *am* sitting right next to you, so...
Lord-Makuta Featured By Owner May 13, 2012
I missed your birthday, unacceptable, here's some cake to make up for it :iconbirthdaycakeplz:
TheUltamate Featured By Owner May 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is...unacceptable!
:iconlemongrab: Unacceptable!

Seriously though, no big deal. Thanks for the cake, it was delicious.
Lord-Makuta Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
No problem, I'm glad you liked it.
Ilaezha Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for favouriting Jesus Flexamundo! ;D I appreciate the support.
Ilaezha Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Hey, Devan! It's Samantha. I just rediscovered your dA account. =P
TheUltamate Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It's hard to forget a name like Ilaezha. It's a good one, and I'm glad someone actually knows what zh does.

So basically around here you'll find my writings; most of it fanfiction. It's my Usual Approach to writing things, so I'd say read the first chapter of Grocery Day/What Happened or Gray and Stately to get the idea. If the Usual Approach won't work for Scary Ass Mime Story, let me know and I can be a bit more bleak and less Douglas Adams.
Uikri Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011
Hope you haven't left us.

P.S. It's ~Minoru-Kokubunji
TheUltamate Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Jesus dick the length of time in which I haven't updated is disgusting. I really need to do something now that I've been called out on it.
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