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At 2:20 AM on 05/13/12 (Mother's Day), I sat with my Fiance, Nathan, while he held his mother's hand as she passed away.. She was in poor shape from multiple health problems. On 05/11/12, we spent 16 hours at the hospital for her surgery to replace her aorta heart valve.. Complications led to them having to keep her chest open afterwards, and she was fully sedated. We were told they would hopefully be able to close her chest within a few days after the swelling had gone down, but until then, she would be fully sedated and be relying on machines to keep her alive. We knew she was very critical, but we thought she would make it through. We drove the two hours home that night, only to get a call the next morning saying there had been more complications and they had to go back in and remove some blood clots that were causing her blood pressure to drop. After that, she was doing better.. But I convinced Nate we needed to go down there, get a hotel and spend the night so we can be there for her. As soon as we got into the city, we went to see her. We were told she wasn't doing very well.. Her body was starting to shut down because her blood pressure was so low, causing her temperature to only be 93 degrees. We sat with her for an hour before we decided to go back to the hospital, thinking things would still be alright. We ate dinner, went back to our room and were in the middle of watching a tv show when we got a call at 1:30 am saying we needed to get to the hospital because she isn't doing well. We sat next to her, Nathan holding her hand, while the doctor told us she wasn't going to make it much longer. Within just a couple of minutes, her blood pressure dropped completely, and even after three shots of adrenaline, her heart couldn't be revived. Nathan was holding her hand, telling his mom that it's okay and he loves her as she passed away. It was like she fought long enough for us to get to the hospital, and when she felt Nathan's hand and heard his voice, she knew she could go in peace. We were crying so hard the entire time.. We sat with her for an hour, just holding her hand.. I told her I loved her for the first time and gave her a kiss on the cheek.. and held her hand. In my head, I was begging her to fight. I was begging her to try and breathe on her own.. I kept saying that if she makes it, I would get a full time job and go to school full time so we could afford a bigger home. That way, she could live with us and I would take care of her as long as she wanted to be there. I begged her for that whole hour..  but, it was all in vain.. She just wasn't strong enough.

I am hurting so much right now. I'm not only dealing with my own pain, but everyone else's, also.

- I'm imagining how my Fiance must feel to have just lost the only parent he's ever had, the most important person in his life and the best mother he could have asked for.
- Then, there's his sister.. She's twelve weeks pregnant with what would have been her mother's first grandchild. Now, she doesn't have her mother to help guide her and give advice.
- Her parents, Nathan's grandparents, has just experienced the pain of losing a child for the first time.. It has to be unbearable for a parent to have to bury their child, especially one they were so close to.
- Her friends and family.. she was always the first person everyone called when they had a problem. She would listen and give advice, and be the rock that everyone needed.
- Her pets.. I'm sure that sounds weird. She spent every minute of the day at home with her pets. She loved them and spoiled them.. They don't know what's happened to her, and don't know that they'll never get to see their favorite person again..
- Of course, I'm also hurting for myself.. In the four and a half years I've known her, I don't think I ever told her I loved her. I may not have agreed with her at all times, but she was a great mother and always treated me well, no matter what. I have always wanted to tell her that I do love her, but I was afraid of what her reaction would be.. This has become one of the top regrets of my life.

Most of all, I'm hurting for her. I know she was sedated, but I wonder if she had any idea as to what was going on. I'm worried that at some point, before she was fully sedated, that she had the realization that she wasn't going to make it. How scary it must have been for her. To think that she may have known that she wasn't going to get to tell her family how much she loved them one last time. That she wasn't going to get to see her first grandchild be born.. That she wasn't going to see her children get married.. I hope she knew how much everyone loved her. I hope she really could feel Nathan's hand and hear his voice those last few moments. I hope she knows that she wasn't alone. She was had her son there that loved her more than anything, and she had me - a girl that has been and will always be eternally grateful to her for raising such an amazing son. I hope she knew that I cared deeply for her, even though I never told her. I hope she was able to pass in peace..

She was a party girl in her youth.. But as soon as she found out she was pregnant, she changed everything. She had two children, neither had a father that stuck around for longer than the first couple of months of pregnancy.. She raised both children by herself, with help from her close family. Everything she did was for her children.. She couldn't work, but she would save every penny so she could give her kids what they wanted and take them vacations.. She made so many sacrifices for her children. She raised an amazing son, the best man I have ever met. She had to struggle through so many things in her life, but she always made it through.. I think that's why this is such a shock. She was so worried before her surgery that something might happen.. That that would be the last time she would see her family. She started crying when she thought her mother wasn't going to make it time.. It was sad to see it at the time, but looking back now, it's almost like she knew what was going to happen. Thankfully, she got to see her mom, son and daughter right before her surgery and they exchanged "I love yous"..

I feel like I can't stop crying.. I've cried more than her family.. I think that's because I'm not just crying for myself, but for everyone that knew her. I would gladly take the burden of all the pain from everyone that knew her so they could remember how much she meant to them and all the good memories they shared.. instead of crying and hurting because she's gone. I want to be the one that cries and hurts so everyone I care about doesn't have to. But, even though I was there when she passed, I still keep hoping we'll get a call saying she suddenly came back. That she suddenly discovered she still had some fight left in her.. That she finally heard me begging her. I don't want her back for my own sake, but so her children don't have to live without their mother.. I would do anything to be able to give them that gift..

I love you, Diane Myers.. I wish you could be here with us more than anything. I'm glad you're not suffering anymore, and I hope you know that we will always love you and will think about you every day. I'm sorry we couldn't give you the life you deserved.. But, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me a gift that I could never repay you for. Your son is my world, my life and my future.. I wish you could be here to see the amazing man that he will continue to become, so that you can continue to be proud of him.

12/09/64 - 05/13/12 .. You may have passed on, but you will stay forever in our hearts and minds..
Sooooooo, I haven't posted any work for a couple of days now.. I haven't done much, other than a few silly paintings I did to try and relax. To be honest, they're awful, but I wasn't trying at all and I didn't put any time into them. That's about all I've accomplished.. My anxiety has really been getting the best of me, lately. I can't seem to sit down and really focus on drawing or painting anything. This is a time when I wish I had friends. Bottling things up forever is never good. Neither is spending all of my time with four dogs.
I found out today that my Fiance's sister is pregnant.. She is only 18, and the father is 27! WTF?!? They live at her mom's house (a trailer) and make hardly enough to get by every month as it is. I am completely disappointed in her.. Almost every single one of her friends, from ages 14 to 20, have had children in the past two years.. She has seen how much their lives changed and even complained about the babies they had.. How can she be so dumb as to let this happen when she knows she's not ready? Her boyfriend told her that since he's getting close to 30 he wants to have kids with her really soon.. How could she be so naive to just "ruin" the "best years of her life" because he wants to have kids right away? I don't know why I'm so incredibly upset.. I'm sure I'm completely overreacting. But, I have talked to her so many times, and heard her say herself, that she doesn't want kids anytime soon. She refuses to babysit her friends babies because she can't handle the crying and what not. The only good thing they have going for them is that they've been together for about 2 1/2 years. (Yes, you read that right. A 25 year old decided it was a good idea to start dating a girl that just celebrated her 16th birthday days before meeting her). They have almost $800 in car payments a month and he has to pay off $10,000 in credit card debt.. He only makes $11.50 an hour working full time, and she only makes $8 working part time.. How do they think they're really going to pull this off? Her and her brother (my Fiance) spent their childhood living off of welfare and metro, and she said she would wait until she could afford to take care of a child herself so she wouldn't have to live off the government.

I think I'm disappointed because I really believed in her. I thought she would make the best decisions so she could be successful this early in her life. I actually forgot to mention that she was on birth control for 3 years, and just stopped taking it at the beginning of February. It's like, the girl that always looked down on her friends for being stupid and irresponsible had a major lapse in sanity and decided to jump on the band wagon of being a teen mom. They got a puppy together over a year ago, and they can't even take care of it! All she does is scream at, smack, and pawn the poor thing off on her mom every single day. She can't handle being responsible for a dog, so how does she think she's going to care for a baby? They're 100000x more difficult than a dog could ever be.

I really just want to ask her "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?!"
I recently decided it was time to log on to my dA account after about four years of abandoning it. I was using this site to post my "poetry" and to connect with my friends. But, I've developed a recent obsession with traditional art. After finding quite a few pieces of stunning art, by some amazing artists, I was inspired to try taking on the talent myself. I have never painted seriously in my life.. I have gone out and bought brushes, watercolor supplies, tempera paint, pastels and an art pad. Though, just like my lack of talent for painting, I also lack skill in drawing. I have been trying like crazy to find tutorials, but I haven't had much luck finding what I need. Today, I made a trip to my local library and checked out 10 books on drawing and painting.. I will be VERY busy going over these the next couple of weeks..

None of my "watchers" log onto this site anymore.. so, I don't really have anyone to critique any work I do. I would really appreciate it if anyone looking at my page would try and give me some feed bad. ANY would be helpful!

Thank you!! I need some friends on here :/ So, please be nice and befriend me?