Mea Culpa Time

I started preproduction for my Youtube channel was far back as 2023....it's 2026, and I'm still grinding away, trying to get the legacy assets done so I can learn Adobe Illustrator, and Adobe Premiere, and wwwhatever recording software I need to learn (enough) to edit and nest my audio. (I mean, I'm not that bothered by the prospect of having to get a white belt in these other programs, because, at one point, I was commercially certified to use the software reserved for feature length film production; so, absolutely: I have the chops to learn a much more user-friendly variation of the same software, enough to do a Youtube show.) I'm honestly not bothered about that---what bothers me is time...! How much of it has elapsed since I started this goddamn project.

I know I could get the channel ready and launched by July this year, I know I could; if I could just knuckle down and do the work, but, it's just...why is being consistently productive such a hard ask!? Why can't I just reliably tap a wellspring of enthusiasm, and just autistically grind and grind and grind and grind until the job's finished? Why does having the brain that I have have to be such a flight risk? And for people who don't have ADHD, who don't just naturally have critically lower dopamine in their brains, they just can't understand. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I have days where I wonder if my passion for anything I'm passionate about was just an illusion; if all the articles of interests I've accumulated for years--my books, my degrees, my countless hours of slaving away at a canvas and a tablet--if all of these things are just the phantoms of stillborn dreams. And sometimes--as absurd as it is to imagine for anyone who doesn't have a false bottom to their pitcher of self-motivation-- I do honestly wonder, sometimes, if this sporadic passion will color any romantic interests I may conceivably have in the future. If one day, for no damn good reason, I'll be anything from indifferent to repulsed by the person I've committed to be with, and that's terrifying.

I'm realizing I'm just venting, which if fine; everyone needs to vent.

Cryin' time's over. Let's get back to work.

P.S. This is a complete nonsequitr, but, Christ: what karen gutted the gif library for this site? These memes are mid af!