themagpiepoet
Last night I stayed up late reading my old journals. Just wow. Was I really that person? That entitled, confused, broken girl. God has changed me, transformed me. I am still broken but He's putting the pieces back together in His order and time. I have learnt so much and still have so much to learn.I
I started reading again. With lockdown I've had more time for myself. Reading again have me the urge to write again. My mind is itching to write. I just don't know how anymore. I guess I'm afraid of doing it wrong. My husband (Pip) tells me to just do it, but I'm afraid of failure. Interesting.
So I guess I just want to say 'Hi!' to anyone who remembers me from the fairytale-heart era as well as this account. So much of my life has been documented on Deviantart, so much that I had forgotten. We think we'll remember but we don't.
Hopefully I'll start writing again.
Where Did I Go?
There is a conflict within my soul
Where did I go?
The girl I once was
Had some of her troubles unmuddled
Some of her broken pieces fixed
She became a mother
A woman with a child and home,
Single. Stigmatised.
My daughter is my world
But where did I go?
Old addictions occupy my mind
If I relent a little will I be broken again?
Can I invite a small part of my old world in
Without damaging my new world?
Where Did I Go?
There is a conflict within my soul,
Where did I go?
The girl I once was
Had some of her troubles unmuddled
She became a mother
A woman with a child and home,
Single. Stigmatised.
My daughter is my world
But where did I go?
Old addictions occupy my mind
If I relent a little will I be broken again?
Can I invite a small part of my old world in
Without damaging my new world?
I've really hurt him. I didn't think he'd give a shit because he made it clear that he didn't want me. I hurt his pride, his masculinity. I didn't mean to. It was just sex, sex with his friend. We've been broken up for five months, did he expect me to be virginal until he'd made up his mind about what he wanted?
I don't understand how he could have said such horrible things to me. I know I hurt him but we're adults, grow the fuck up and stop thinking everything is about you. I fucked his friend and I'm sure I will again, but we're just people, we're just humans, animals fucking our loneliness away. He said, 'If you were here now I'd probably knock you out for intruding in my life, you're poisonous' and 'There really aren't any words to express how much of a cunt you are and how much I hate you'.
He said I'm a dirty slag and a filthy whore, that my writing sucks, and he threw my 'shit' poetry book away. He's 34 years old. I hurt him and he wanted to hurt me back, I understand.
I had to tell him, wasn't that the right thing to do? He would have found out from someone else anyway. He brought up so much shit that I've done and forgotten about, but that he took personally. We broke up a few times in the year we were together and every time I slept with multiple people, when he asked me about it I told him. One time he wanted a picture of me fucking someone else so I sent it because I thought that would make him happy. I don't understand. He views sex as a dirty act and can't understand how a woman could enjoy it so much even though we had amazing sex together and he loved that I loved it. He said 'I couldn't properly love you anyway cos you were always a bit disgusting unless I was drunk' - he's an alcoholic.
But, whatever, it's all fucked to shit now and I can't twist the truth to my advantage like I always do. He said he thinks I'm a sociopath, he knows I'm borderline, I told him what he was getting into but he didn't believe any of it. I don't know what my point is, I just need to write it out. I need someone to cuddle me and stroke my hair and tell me I'm beautiful and deserving of a wonderful life. That's what he used to do for me, now he wants me to 'have a shit life'.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting and angry, it was sex not a personal attack on you. I'm sorry.