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This piece is for a mock assessment for my Prose Fundamentals class. All comments and critique will be muchly appreciated. :blowkiss:
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© 2013 - 2021 themagpiepoet
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Writetime's avatar
A very enjoyable read.

The androgyny part was a great insight and I smiled reading it. It was the way cancer had taken so much away from her yet still left her, almost as if by mistake, something that looked good on her; like catching that moment when your bully trips and falls and you can't help but laugh.

Another one of your sentences that I loved was, "It revealed more than the near-dead should show and nothing at all." 

I do realise it has been more than a year since you shared this and you might be over this. But if I'm still enjoying it now it says something about your writing doesn't it? :)
Gingersanps's avatar
Hi. I'm a volunteer for TheDailyBreadCafe, and I have to say this is a beautifully done piece. I'm glad I got to read it. It speaks volumes and words unspoken. Congrats on getting the feature!

                                                                                                        Meagan :iconthedailybreadcafe:
Kelcobi's avatar
I found this an incredibly moving piece. I love the complexity and depth of character the glimpses of her past provide, the metaphor of the ruined pier and the juxtaposition of the carefree youth. I also like that you explored an atypical, more gritty perspective of the process of dying.

My only suggestions would be to rearrange the paragraphs so the passages about her wild past are together and add a little clarity about the "they" referred to at the end the eighth paragraph as it's a bit ambiguous now.

{ I happened across this in Issue 01 of The Daily Bread Cafe / #TDBC }
SilverInkblot's avatar
Hi there! Just a note to let you know that I've featured this piece in my end-of-the-year journal feature :)
Akai-karasu's avatar
This is a very good piece, I think. The tone of the narrator's voice sounds very believable and real to me, you really managed that well. I also liked how I expected something completely different, when I saw the thumbnail with the beginning of the piece (not sure what, but not this), but yiour writing really complelled me into reading further.
I also think that you put a quite nice balance in this - between what is now happening at the beach, what her life used to be like in its different stages and what happened to her. It's well done and keeps the whole thing from being to overwhelming or feeling too negative. (Also I actually smiled and the androgyny bit, it's a nice touch).
All in all I can't really come up with something negative or something that I didn't like about it. Great wording, nice pace, believable story. That's all :) Great job.
themagpiepoet's avatar
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and write a comment. I'm so glad you were pleasantly surprised :blowkiss:. x
Akai-karasu's avatar
you're welcome :hug: it's an impressive piece
C-A-Harland's avatar
There's a dark morbidity to this which contrasts nicely to the "sun and sand" setting. The narrator's voice is very distinctive and carries the reader through a brief yet vivid account of her life. The pacing in this was very well done, I thought. You managed to convey a lot of information in those short snippets but it never became overwhelming. The only thing I would have liked more clarification of was her approximate age. It's obvious that old age will likely not be the thing that kills her, but I'm not sure whether she's in her 40s or her 60s.

DailyLitDeviations's avatar

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations and has been selected as our “Pick of the Day”. It is featured in a news article here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart.…  and on our main page.

Keep writing and keep creating.

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