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Here's to another update because I just don't use deviant art that much anymore. I'm pretty sure only one person actually reads these but I enjoy doing them so I'm gonna keep doing them.

So I think the last time I posted one of these was over a year ago? Well then, there's a lot I have to say.

So where should I start? Uni? My Job? My Boyfriend? My Family? I might do this in a question and short (extended) answer form to make this easier to read.

Hows uni life going?
It isn't. I deferred and just never went back.

How's that job of yours going?
Did I ever mention that I work at a cafe as a barista All-Rounder? Well now I'm sort of a supervisor. This is cool I guess but it can get a little stressful at times and doing coffee all day everyday has left me with callused fingers so I mean its got its flaws and down sides but so does every job. Ultimately though I get paid a decent wage. I have good friends. It's got a good vibe and great ambience. Customers love me and I love being a barista.

How? Who? What? is your boyfriend?
HA HA. HA HA. HA...HA
WELL. WELL THEN.
This is a funny story actually. Remember that crush I had in highschool? That BGF that I dedicated a number of journal entries toward between the years 2014-2015. Well I'm currently seriously dating the guy I broke up with for BGF. I think I wrote one journal about him back in 2014. So yeah! we're back together again! we reconnected last October and we've been going strong ever since. :date: :heart: 

And your family? what's that like?
I don't wanna talk about it.
but I'll touch on it briefly. There's low key a misogynistic hierarchy in my family that somewhere along the line decided that woman should do 'womanly duties'and still work at the same time. in contrast men should not clean up in any way shape or form and be a 'provider' meaning they get to come home after work, relax and do nothing. I may be a little bitter over this. :grump:
On the other hand we're getting a house! I'm going on part ownership with my dad! :happybounce: 

Plans for the future?
With the amount of time I've taken off uni its given me a new perspective of what I want out of life. I realised that the only reason I wanted to go to uni to begin with was an unrealistic goal my 18 year old self had. For me, it was to prove to myself that I could do it. It was a noble goal but not one that I could get anything out of life with. Whats the point of spending years going to uni, sacrificing a future mortgage, financial stability and a life I can build for myself and my future family when there's an easier and shorter pathway to take? To do what I wanted to do through uni, I wouldn't be able to have any of those things until at least my mid 30's. Art therapy is still on the table. That, nursing or general therapy work. All of which I can do through TAFE within half the time I would had I chosen university as my pathway. 
There's a small part of me, there may always be a small part of me, that's disappointed I couldn't make uni work, but its not for me. It was a nice dream to have, and I wish I could go back to having that same dream, but there's a level of naivety there that exists only in my younger self.  :hug:
  • Listening to: Hunger- Florence and the Machine
  • Reading: An Echo in the Bone-Diana Gabaldon
  • Watching: The Kings Speech
  • Eating: Vegemite Toast
  • Drinking: Coffee
This is gonna be a bit of a ramble since I haven't given many updates on how I'm going or where I'm at in life currently so here goes..

I deferred my uni halfway through last trimester meaning (for those who don't understand) I took a break from uni to resume the following trimester. After I moved so far away from my current campus I found it difficult to keep up with my classes and studies, alongside working both morning shifts and overnights. I also had a lot going on with my personal life that I found added to my stresses so the decision to defer my course became and easy one to make. During this time I found a new job at a cafe near my house and began working day shifts only for a change much to my delight 😋 I've been there for about 5 or 6 months now and honestly though daily life can be a bit repetitive at times over all my happy. Though I'm still not drawing as much as I'd like to be, I've taken up yoga and knitting as a way to relieve any anxiety that I do have.

On another note uni goes back next week so as "excited" as I may be about that I still have to take just one class this trimester at Deakin Burwood campus to make up one more credit point in order for me to transfer over to a closer uni.  Sucks I know but that means I only really have to be doing one class to start the year off. So we'll see how all that goes.

Promise to keep you updated 😌
I've had a revelation. Its taken a bit of thinking and reasoning in my mind but it all makes to me sense now. for a while now I've been discontent in uni. I mean I enjoy learning and I love taking in new information but I felt like I was wasting my time, like there was no point being there. At least in year 12 I had a goal, an outcome. I was doing it to get into uni. But once I got to uni I thought to myself, what was the point of doing all these essays, oral presentations and excessive travel if I wasn't getting what I really wanted out of it? I figured yeah maybe I'd become a teacher. I mean I enjoy working with people and its one of the most convenient and realistic jobs you can get out of a visual arts course. but I had no idea how to gain the teaching qualifications I would need and even if I did figure it out I've never really liked the idea of being a teacher anyway (since I've never really done much homework in my time :devilish: ) and I really didn't want to spend money on something I wasn't sure about. 

I've since spoken to a friend and she's opened me up to the idea of art therapy. She even told me the steps I'd need to undertake in order to gain the qualifications for this career path. The more I think about it the more art therapy makes sense to me. So I really like working closely with people. The act of building connections with other human beings seems to be a career that's always felt right for me. That's why I was thinking teaching for a while there but that's just not me nor has it ever been. I was thinking about how I used to volunteer at Baxter Village aged care in year 9 and how I used to really really love it, especially the dementia section. I don't know why but I just did you know? More than working with the other elderly anyway. and then I was starting to think how much I really love psycho analytical art and surrealism and psychology within art and art made from Synesthesia and all of that and just really how I've always felt most comfortable doing abstract art and all my best work has been created after having tapped into my emotions. Bearing all that in mind I have come to understand that art therapy is more than perfect for me. I feel it in my heart like its calling for me. I now know that this is the path I need to take. Its not glamorous or anything but it's special and its me. 
  • Listening to: Melanie Martinez-Dollhouse
  • Eating: Mashed Potato
  • Drinking: Water
Wow so life huh? yeah a lots happened. a lots changed. Some very very good, some I'm still not sure about. So basically we all know that at the start of the year I started at Deakin Uni, that's been a major change in my life of course but an anticipated one. things were sort of in a nice groove though I must say. When I lived in the city it was only a 5 min walk to my work and a half an hour tram ride to my uni. So although things were a tiny bit boring, there was nothing drastic or major in my life going on, although it all kind of left me feeling a bit too content, things were still smooth. 

Now let me tell you whats happened in the last month. WE MOVED. about 40 mins out of the city. Again that's not so bad. but you have to consider this, the area that we're living in has a bus that runs by the hour to the station. So therefore if I miss a bus or if its weekend time table I could be waiting a whole other hour to get to the station and back. This makes it incredibly difficult to get to work in the morning, as it is I've had to change my availability at work so that I had to start an hour later (I still have to get up even earlier then when I lived in the city though) Getting to uni's become a bit difficult as well too. Instead of half an hour it takes me an hour and a half to get to uni. ON TOP OF THIS..my lap tops stopped working so I've had to put a new one of layby, with money I do not have I might add. Between all of these changes, I met someone as well, about a week before the big move in fact. I'm gonna call him B for privacy's sake. Its kind of crazy how much we click. We like similar things, same morals, same sense of humor, its easy to be around him, no awkward moments, and there's physical chemistry there as well.  We can have so much fun yet be completely serious when we need to be.  I never thought I'd meet someone like him. He's all shades of grey yet he has this center that's bursting with colour and insane potential for greatness. I just aaaah there's something so special about him you know? and there's something incredibly special between us too. I'm fucking lucky actually. Of course though there is a slight...hmmm hiccup? Things would have been easy if I had met him well before we moved or hey lets dream big..IF WE HADN'T MOVED AT ALL. but that's just how things are. he lives a good 2 hours away from me, plus we both work, plus we both have school. We're both determined to make things work and things actually are going really really well between us, but there's that fucking distance shit like aaaah. It just makes things so much harder. especially with the distance I already have to travel and my only form of transportation at this point in time is public transport....

But maybe moving was good? maybe the change was a good thing. I'm starting to get motivated by it all you know? Its exciting. When I was living in the city, I felt like I was stuck with the way things are, but damn it I'm gonna be a goddamn gypsy and and change my life whenever I want. Okay so I just moved? Well lets go the whole shebang and change uni and work as well. Make myself happy. I still wanna be going to the city of course but I really rather not be going to the city every day of the week, that's just wasting my time and money. So my plan is to reapply to RMIT so that I'm only going to the city a couple times a week. This will in turn still give me a chance to see B during the week after uni. The next part to my plan to to wait until I reach the two year mark at my work at get promoted to crew trainer. That'll be at the end of the year so I've still got a bit of time but once that happens I'm going to enroll into a hospitality course involving RSA (responsible service of alcohol) licence, a gambling licence and a certificate in baristing. I already have customer service and cafe experience from my current job so it means I should be able to land a job near where I live pretty easily. While I'm working towards these outcomes I'll also be working towards getting a my licence. With these crazy goals in mind things by next year should be a whole lot different for me  :happybounce: :eager:

You know how it is.. Go big or go home :juggle:
  • Listening to: Lucas Graham-7 Years
  • Reading: Lady Midnight-The Dark Artifices
  • Drinking: Coffee
I feel like I'm a bit of a failure as a human being in general. Like I've got so many empty promises on social media that have not been fulfilled. Like..
--"Oh Yeah, am so gonna start reading heaps like all day everyday once schools finished and I have more time because I've just got so much homework." TBH I know its got more to do with my freaking phone than hw and my contant anxiety that I'm doing nothing by reading and I have to be doing more important things.
--"hey I'm gonna jump straight backing into being a MOD and RPing again on Goodreads since I have all these groups I've had to take care of." but nope I blamed school for my extended absence and now they've gone dead and I've really in all honesty got no plans of getting back into it any time soon despite all my promises to myself and them. 
--"Oh hey I've got these really cool artwork ideas guys and this is the half finished version or here's my inspirational quote..MORE TO COME SOON!" LOL NOPE. hasn't happened all those social statement artworks and poetry quote ideas on my Instagram are probably not gonna ever be completed or done. I know I keep telling myself that they're there and I'm gonna do it but really? we all know that those ideas are gonna sit there and die.
--"Oh yeah colab with super cool human being...I'm defs gonna go this. so fun, so great, its gonna be an awesome thing to do." BUT I HAVEN'T STARTED ANY OF THEM.
--"I promise, I will get back on DA and I'm gonna be super active and I'm gonna comment of peoples artworks on a regular basis, especially to those who do it regularly for me." I swear this is one that really gets to me and I want to give people the same amount of love and time and effort because trust I notice the people who do it for me more than I them and I feel terrible.

I guess the point I'm making is that I'm sorry I keep saying I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that. I guess at the end of the day, I'm more interested in living IRL and investing my time in life outside of social media that I forget about the amazing people I've met that are halfway across the world. Thank you for your patients. I appreciate it xx :huggle:

DISCLAIMER: I hope this doesn't insult any of you by the way. I'm just being honest with myself for a change so that I can move towards fixing this fault of mine. 
  • Listening to: Lonely Day-System of a Down
  • Reading: Lady Midnight-The Dark Artifices
  • Watching: Shadowhunters
  • Drinking: Arizona-Honey Green Tea
:bademoticon: Rules:
 :bademoticon: Say 13 things about yourself. You must answer the 13 questions asked by the person who has tagged you, as well as, create 13 questions for the people you'll tag. 
 :bademoticon: Choose 13 people YOU have to tag. [ IT HAS TO BE 13 PEOPLE! And don't write: "If you have read this, you have tagged!"] 
 :bademoticon: Make sure they know they have been tagged. 
:bademoticon:  You are allowed to tag whoever tagged you. 
:bademoticon:  MAKE A JOURNAL! Don't be lazy! ^_^
 :bademoticon: If you do not complete the tag in a week after receiving the tag, then you must obey whatever wish. MUHAHAHAHAHA!
 :bademoticon: This is optional, be original with the title. 

. Floating Stars - Divider . by SugareeSweets  . Floating Stars - Divider . by SugareeSweets  . Floating Stars - Divider . by SugareeSweets  . Floating Stars - Divider . by SugareeSweets  . Floating Stars - Divider . by SugareeSweets 


I was tagged by WhyYesIamaMoonchild 

1. I guess I'm okay to talk about myself but I can't be bothered half the time 
2. I'm a cat person but I also grew up with dogs. Dogs with squishy faces to be specific (ie. bulldogs and pugs)
3. The heat is my friend and spring is my soul mate
4. I just graduated year 12 and I'm going onto UNI to study art..Surprised? 
5. I love the forest and Trees but beaches are good too. If you ever come to Victoria, Australia, go to the Great Ocean Road, It has both :heart: 
6. I only drink socially 
7. Pot isn't really my thing but I have tried it
8. I'm an OCD kinda gal when I'm forced to start cleaning
9. I work at McDonald's crown casino (job description: Cleaning up chicken nuggets and 4 am)
10. I'm a very random person, I often fluctuate between fashion choices and items, somtimes indie, sometimes boho, sometimes Hippie, other times track suit pants sporting a food stain on my white t shirt
11. I'm actually kinda messy when I'm not cleaning
12 I mean alot messy
13. Thats not to say I'm lazy but a little.
14. BONUS: I can't cook 
15. BONUS BONUS: lol I have two extra about me points after I said I'm to lazy to talk about myself. Aren't I just ironic sometimes?


1. Who is your biggest inspiration in life (mother, father, SpongeBob, etc.)?
Usually is my mum, at some point I'm pretty sure it was SpongeBob and then Salvador Dali but at the moment I'm not really inspired by a who but more of a what. Right now I'm inspired by the idea to live while I can with no regrets ^^
2. Name all the fandoms you are apart of and if you have a favorite!
uuum like, supernatural is a big one. So is Outlander. I used to be a huge fandom of The Mortal Instruments but thats subsided alot--and now I can't username omfg :P 
3. Favorite genre of book (horror, comedy, etc.)
Fantasy (modernized or folklore) Post apocalyptic or some scifi 
4. Why did you join DA?
Because a friend of mine recommended it in year 10 I haven't stopped using it since :dalove:
5. What is your fondest memory you have associated with DA?
wow, um fondest memory, its hard to really think of a specific one but one that's probably stood out the most is all the support I got from my Sarcoidoses post. It really meant alot to me that so many people showed the love and compassion :heart: :heart:
6. What was your biggest fear as a child?
I don't actually think I had any major major fears but I remember the first time I watched a horror movie (when I was 13 -_-) I couldn't shut my door for months after that. Since then horror movies don't actually scare me all that much anymore XD
7. What is your favorite part about watching a horror movie with a good friend/significant other?
I wouldn't know. I'm a loner, I've mostly only ever watched them on my own
8. What are/were your plans for Valentine's Day?
Working, sleeping and working again 
9. Does it annoy you when single-pringles complain about being single on Val. Day?
Valentines Day just annoys me in general, people who are single complain too much about being single and people in a relationship spend too much time boasting about it.. tbh 
10. Do you prefer to write or draw?
kinda both but mostly drawing ^^
11. Name one thing you wish you could change about yourself.
A typical answer that I would expect myself to say would be my weight but since I don't actually care about that all that much (I'm pretty comfortable in my body) I guess I could probably say the person I have the potential to turn into. 
12. Name three things about yourself that you would never change.
My Eyes, My positivity and my soul
13. If your best friend jumped off a cliff would you too?
No, unfortunately no I wouldn't. I mean I'd be sad and incredibly distressed but its them that made that choice and don fucked up. I mean they wouldn't want me to follow them so why would I do that to them or myself? If it was family then maybe a different story. Do I sound insensitive? This is what I mean by maybe turning into someone I don't want to turn into :/  

13 QUESTIONS..OKAY:

1.What have you always wanted? Did you ever get it?
2.Best compliment you have received?
3.If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else, who would you pick and what would you do?
4.Have you ever eating a crayon, or glue? Or what strange thing have you eaten?
5.What type of music do you listen to? (Genre, artists, songs?)
6. Describe something that’s happened to you for which had no explanation.
7. Favorite inspirational quote?
8.What is your dream career?
9. If you could travel through time would you go to the past or the future? and what ear exactly? (i.e what point in time in the past or how far into the future?)
10. Favorite Eminem song?
11. Would you rather save the ocean or the forest?
12. Summer or Winter?
13. Cats or Dogs?

bloodlustbunny 
fishwane 
GreyXpPanda 
GhostOfTheEmptyGrave 
urban-faery 
N-arteest 
Lucinais18 
Birdalee 
OMFGITSABANANA 
Kktwin 
PoppyRed24 
BlondynkiTezGraja 
BiMore 

ENJOY :heart: :dalove:
  • Listening to: Stan-Eminem
  • Watching: The Walking Dead
  • Eating: A Brownie
Hey, so just a general update on my life thus far. So basically my marks for school were average but that's fine, I expected that so I'm not shattered or anything :rofl: but I am a little disappointed that I didn't get into my dream school, RMIT. That's not to say Deakin Uni's a bad school, its just that its not what I expected or really wanted. Since I was 16 I wanted to go to RMIT so its super disappointing that it hasn't happened. Looking on the bright side though, studying fine arts at Deakin, I'm sure will be amazing and fulfilling and if its not I can just apply at RMIT again during mid year applications or end of you applications ^^
  • Listening to: Come Together-The Beatles
  • Reading: An Eco in the Bone
  • Watching: Outlander
  • Eating: This wont let me leave it blank and idk why
  • Drinking: Coffee
So I would really like to express my gratitude to WhyYesIamaMoonchild  for making me her Shout Out of the Week. Its an honor and privilege for my art have appraisal for a whole week not to mention a lovely Christmas gift. She says I deserve recognition but in all honesty she does, rarely do I meet someone that puts so much time and dedication into another person like she has. I am incredibly lucky to have been apart of her Shout Out of the Week. Other Deviants really should watch and talk to her sometime, she's an absolutely amazing person, thankyou so much xx :squee: 
  • Listening to: Darkest Ocean-All Tvvns
  • Eating: Fatty Food.
aha okay. so remember when I said that I was totally okay with venturing into the unknown with no plans or thoughts on my future. Well you see, that was me trying to keep my cool whilst actually really losing my shit on the inside. I mean I'm thinking about an art Diploma now at RMIT in Melbourne rather than the UNI course because I have no idea what type of artist I am let alone the type of career I'm actually looking for but even with this tiny little plan My future is so up in the air because me getting into the Diploma or course all depends on my ATAR score and whether or not I'm accepted. THEY DON'T START GIVING OUT OFFERS UNTIL JANUARY PEOPLE!!! That means until then I'm going to be super restless and overeat a heap of food, keep on chatting to guys that are going to fuck me up and and spending every spare minuet I have working and going out with friends until my mind is put at ease and I can actually build a solid plan that probably in six month time will fall apart. I am actually going mental. Literally losing my shit :stupidme:
  • Listening to: She's Casual-Hunna
  • Drinking: Frozen Coke
So yeah, I graduated year 12..and I'm hella proud of it too. I'm not gonna lie, it was a tough year, a lot of stress and tears. but I got through it having completed 7 art/design folios this year all of which above 80% in my marks and completed both my English based subjects (probably with average marks) 

Now that I'm free I don't have as solid a plan as I originally thought...I kinda feel unorganized with my life you know? But that's okay. Not having a plan can be exciting and I'm sort of okay with venturing into this unknown until I decide to go to uni in 2017 
  • Listening to: Coming Down-Halsey
  • Reading: The Shining-Stephen King
  • Drinking: Iced Tea
So um, I finally told him..BGF I mean. It was more like I was having a discussion with a friend about the topic and she kept on telling me to do it, that now was the time and I couldn't leave it until too late. So naturally I thought to myself that she was right, I had to tell him. The problem is though, I'm a chicken and couldn't get the words out. So I came to the conclusion that I had to screenshot the conversation I was having with my friend and send it to him. It was the only way I felt I could do it..and to my surprise, I did. I sent it to him and to be honest, I am so incredibly proud that I did the very thing I thought I could never do. I'm so proud that, even though his response wasn't what I had in mind, at least I did it. Anyway so, he was wonderful, understanding and caring. He even said it's a good thing I told him otherwise I would have regretted not doing it. The problem is though (and I knew this, I expected this on a level) is that he doesn't want a relationship, he can't handle even himself so he definitely can't handle someone else. and I understand that. He didn't say if the feelings are or ever have been mutual but he is sorry that he ever gave me the wrong impression. To be honest, I don't really want to know if its just me that's ever had these feelings. if he had have told me how he actually feels about me, and it were to be mutual, I don't think I could move on quite as easily or quickly. Now I think, I can finally move forward without looking back at this possibility. Honestly, I'm fine, I am. BGF and I will be fine too. Our friendship is so much stronger than awkwardness or sadness. I know we'll just go back to being the same as always because a friendship with him is so much more important than any potential or non potential romance with him. 
  • Listening to: Adam Lambert-These Boys
  • Reading: Rosemary Dobson Collected
  • Eating: Cereal
I'm taking a break from DA my lovely's but I'll still visit every now and then and try and upload photos when I can but other than that I'm so sorry but I'm not gonna be around to often. I just sort of need to focus on my school at the moment which means no distractions. I love you all!!!!!  :heart: 
  • Listening to: Ghost-Mystery Skulls
  • Reading: Mrs Dalloway-Virginia Woolf
  • Drinking: 7 eleven Coffee

1. Pick one of your OCs.
2. Fill in the questions/statements as if you were your OCs.
3. Tag four people to do this meme!
4. Tell people that they been tagged with a link from your journal.


Omg Lucinais18  I can't even with this..

1. What is your name?
Mazzy

2. Do you know why you were named that?
Cause I wanted a Nickname tbh

3. Are you single or taken?
Um...Both?

4. Have any abilities or powers?
Well...*winks*

5. Stop being a Mary-sue!
huh? Dufaq?

6. What's your eye color?
Blue

7. How about hair color?
Boring Brown (No offence to people who have Brown hair you are all beautiful amazing individual human beings with amazing hair!)

8. Have you any family-members?
5 actually 

9. Oh? How about pets?
MY CAT MICKY MOO!!!!! 

10. That's cool, I guess. Now tell me something you don't like.
You guess? Rude. So probably..Veins..and Needles going into them..Oh God..*Shivers*

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?
lol. Running. Obvi XD

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in anyway before
Well.............. Not in a bad way..........*Winks*

13. Ever... killed anyone before?
What kind of question is that?

14. What kind of animal are you?
The dirty kind *oops*

15. Name your worst habits?
Eating like a pig. So I guess that's my animal...the dirty kind. Guys...Ima pig. 

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?
Salvador Dali is love. Salvador Dali is life. That is all.

17. are you Gay,  Straight, or Bisexual?
Does Pan count?

18. Do you go to school?
Yup

19. Ever wanna marry and have kids one day
Maybe

20. Do you have fangirls/fanboys?
Lucinais18 The best kind of fangirl ;) That three hour call remember?

21. What are you most afraid of?
Veins. omg veins. and roads and crossing them. when they're busy. Maybe dying as well. 

22. What do you usually wear?
Clothes..Hopefully

23. What's one food that tempts you?
Mashed. Potato.

24: Am I annoying you?
hmmmmm yes. 

25. Well, it's still not over!
okay. 

26. What class are you? (low class, middle class, high class)?
Middle...I guess

27. How many friends do you have?
I honestly don't know to be honest 

28. What are your thoughts on pie?
Pie is good.

30. Favorite drink?
I'm gonna have to go with Caramel Mocha

31. What's your favorite place?
Italy

32. Are you interested in anyone~?
Two People actually

33. If you're a girl, what's your cup size? If you're a guy, how big are you?
Like...my drinking cup... I mean if you want me to grab a ruler and measure it..

34. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?
Probably an ocean because its cleaner but if a lake has beautiful surroundings than probs the lake. 

35. What's your type?
Arial Black.. yours? 

36. Any fetishes?
Stubble and or butts tbh

37. Seme or uke
uummmm..

38. Camping or indoors?
Camping if indoors. Like a cabin with Netflix and a fireplace or something..

GhostOfTheEmptyGrave 
magiccastle17 
WhyYesIamaMoonchild 
N-arteest 
  • Listening to: Ghost-Mystery Skulls
  • Drinking: Hot Chocolate :3
So like...I still have feelings for BGF I suppose..I mean I do. I know that When holidays are over and I go back to school I'll find myself right back at square one. But here's the thing I have a friend. She's nice, cute and sweet and absolutely adorable. We've grown closer over the holidays and have a date tomorrow. I can actually see myself being with her. It's just sort of like we click you know? but This has happened before and tbh I know that I'm going to want to be with my BGF again. Despite this I'm still pursuing this friend of mine. I mean, I was completely honest about BGF with her as well and she's fine with it. She even said that We can do whatever we wanna do over the course of these holidays and then when I get back to school she'll just go back to moral support over the internet and then once I finish my year 12 we'll decide whether we still wanna be together or not. But..what if BGF does feel the same way..then I'll have to choose and I don't wanna choose..plz help!!! I'm so confused..  
  • Listening to: Lana Del Rey-Born to Die
  • Drinking: Hot Chocolate :3
Just so you all know I now have prints available for my art :)  
okay so I'll tell you what happened today..

So basically BGF and I were quite close today..as in all we did was hang out and talk and really it seemed like all he wanted was my company. He could deny it all he liked, it definitely seemed this way. anyway, despite this, because he's so damn likable, every time we had a chance to hang out as just the two of us, everyone else would always come and sit with us. We legit, never had a chance to ourselves, Maybe 20 minutes at most if we were lucky. So any way I could ignore that, get over it..whatever, the usual. But what really cheesed me off was the end of the day. Just as the bell for last period went, BGF asked me to stay because he wanted to talk to me. There were two other people in the art room, one of them a close friend of mine I might add. So when I said yeah whats up he turned around and said in a humorous manner "Oh yeah, I just wanna confess my undying lover for you." so naturally at this point my heart did a little skip. Obviously I composed myself within a millisecond of recognizing his humor and went along with it saying "well what can I say? I have that effect on people" But then he still did want me to stay back, he was being dead serious about that. But what happened next is really what infuriates me the most. My close friend then turned around and said.."Hey Mazz? Don't you have a bus to catch?" WTF!!! She knows about how I feel about BGF yet she turned around and practically ruined any moment of possibility of him telling me any hidden feelings for me!!!! I am so damn angry right now. I mean like, tbh, I'm pretty sure this was the case because if I know my BGF and trust me, I know him pretty damn well, it's that he covers up any awkwardness or seriousness with humor. Him saying that in a joking manner could have easily been him trying to tell me that that's what he seriously wants to talk to me about. And then my stupid ass close friend had to ruin it. He then after she said that turned around and said "Oh I was only joking, I just wanted someone to talk to." I am so angry now. :x :steaming: :pissedoff:
So I'm doing this for a couple reasons. One of the reasons is for myself because I find I don't really talk to much about it, maybe it's because I'm trying not to face the reality of the situation or just because thinking about it makes me a little down so I try not to. By doing that though..ignoring it, it's sort of like, I'm shoving it down and ignoring my emotions and the bad things in my life because I'm afraid that to face them would mean to face a lot of other emotions that I may not even realize I have. another reason is because I want to bring awareness to a problem that not many people know of because it's rare. In saying that though that doesn't mean it's good. So basically my mums ill. She has an illness called Sarcoidosis. It's basically where the immune system attacks the good cells in your body. Now it can be found in many places of the body and is not treatable, instead only manageable. It can be found in any parts of the body, In my mums extreme case, mainly her lungs, legs, spine and eyes. Basically because the illness mimics the symptoms of cancer, similar treatments will need to be undergone in order to keep the symptoms at bay. In my mothers case she may be put on an oxygen tank, possibly chemo or the same medication that my pa (who had Multiple Myeloma) had to go on. The Dr said he much rather my mother have cancer because it's easier to treat. with this there is literally only one research center in America alone and zero Sarcoidosis Drs. In short this is what it's like:
Dr: So the good news is that you don't have cancer.
Patient: Yay!
Dr: The bad news is that you have Sarcoidosis. That means you will be on chemo for the rest of your life.
Patient: Oh. 
From the group m mother joined, already two have died both around her age as well. This is a deadly disease and I wanna bring awareness to this because nobody seems to know about it or how dangerous it is.  There as absolutely no cure to this and no causes have been found yet because there hasn't been enough research done. 

There are a lot more to my life that is not good at this point in time but that is by far the worst.

Can you please please please spread this facebook page around to join as to bring awareness to the situation. It would mean alot to myself and my mother. Thank you for reading xx

www.facebook.com/pages/Sarcoid…
So like..I wanna form actual friendships and I feel like I'm not doing a very good job of that via DA cause school and stuff. And I also kinda never know whose actually serious about being buddies and whose not. So if anyone's interested being friends outside of DA here's my skype: mariahtmi :huggle: :typerhappy: :happybounce:
  • Listening to: Which Witch- Florence and the Machine
  • Reading: Jane Eyre
  • Eating: Bacon and Egg Muffin cause whatevs
You know what really depresses me and makes me really sad and now I can't stop thinking about it since someone commented on a Salvador Dali photo on facebook that they met him once? What makes me really fucking depressed is that I will never ever ever ever ever get to meet him because he's dead. I mean I never cared before because I never thought about it and now I can't stop fucking thinking about it. Like seriously, I want to meet him more than Florence and that's saying something. He is my total absolute angelic icon (other than Florence), if I had to choose someone as my celebrity crush it would legit be Dali :salute: :nuu: :squee: (when he was younger of course..but you never know :heart: :heart: :heart: ) I just...I just..I can never be okay with this. I don't know how to be okay. I will never meet his absolute beauty. This is like...The most emotional day of my life :omfg: :disbelief: :tears: Please God..If you hear me..please let me at least meet him in my after life... :please:
  • Listening to: How Big How Blue How Beautiful- Florence
  • Reading: Jane Eyre
  • Eating: Mashed Potato
When I think about him..my best friend..I think of how much I love him..

I think of how I love his hair, his hands, his eyes, his laugh, when he bites his lip, his smile, his humour, his teasing, his talents, his art, his kindness, his soul, his beauty, his inner darkness that equals beauty, his imperfect perfections, his eyes again..also his eyes.. and his eyes..did I mention his amazing clear blue eyes? the eyes I can't stop looking into because I know that's where he hides every single flaw, every single thought and every single piece to his puzzle.. I mean, I love him down to his god damn fucking finger nails..

and you know what? when I think of all these things that I love about him.. I cry, because my heart is so full of love that it hurts so fucking bad. Because I know that if or when he rejects me the pain I feel won't just be from love but also from a broken heart. Mine and his both. Because I know that when he rejects me it'll break his heart to watch me cry just as much as mine to have to watch him reject me. 

I want run away from this. I don't want to tell him at all to be honest. I know I only have about 6 months left and it scares me. The closer the moment to tell him comes the more my stomach churns and the more I want to pull away and never look back. 

everything just makes me cry yet everything makes me love him that little bit more everyday..
  • Reading: Jane Eyre
  • Eating: Mashed Potato