Listening to: Blade Runner 2049 OST
Long time, no musings.
Off topic: I own fishies now, they're very calming to have in the disaster I call my room. I think seeing them be fishies helps me relax.
So I've been sorta active on dA. Mostly following, watching, hoarding in on faves and such and such. But not actually doing anything.
Not actually 'arting.'
Sure, the measly attempts at digital art have come and definitely gone but when I haven't picked up a pencil and drawn something in years... I think a part of me has been slowly dying all this time.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I was always comparing myself to others. My family really got in on that too. Fun times >.< (my sister, who is not estranged from the family core, threw away everything I drew/digi-colored for her. I knew it but I played the blind eye act because she is my sister.... ought to say 'was my sister' she broke my trust permanently a couple of years ago with something I'll never forgive her for.
People told me to get better; go to school to actually learn how to draw(I took ONE art class in middle school...that teacher will never have a kind word said about her. Took a couple in high school and the teacher was amazingly supportive!!)--kinda wanted to find my own style(I had it for awhile too, woo!).
Then after I had graduated high school, and time passed onto my first job(think about a year passed before I actually got one) I was just too stressed out to even try. I threw a lot of my old drawing materials out. The drawings themselves were kept but were tucked away somewhere where I later would realize was not a safe place--I died a little more on the inside when I saw the damage done. I have no idea where I've put them now since they are ruined. After 4 years at my first job, and finally having a vehicle of my own, I felt maybe I would be less stressed.
Yeah, this last year was a WTF. And another one waiting to happen right after that.
I'm onto my third job now, still consider the people of my second job family, I visit them every other week. Via my mom's car. Yeah, my truck decided to have a doozy. Doesn't help when the shop that was apparently fixing it decided to not fix the biggest concern. Constantly being reminded to stop putting band-aids on band-aids because replacing the motor on it would be cheaper than saving up for another car... *pity party in my corner* There have been so many shop stops for my truck it's not funny.
I think during all this time, especially right now, I realize that 'practice, practice, practice' is very important. Critiquing yourself almost immediately to be perfect, to have your own style, to be the best you can be now, now, now, is not healthy for the mental cheer-leading squad in your head.
I currently take riding lessons once every week, sometimes due to life on either my end or my instructor's end a week is missed. Been going at it since... late summer of last year?
Practice, practice, practice.
On and off, now a few months on the in between because weather, my schedule, mom's schedule(for her car to be in use), family friend's schedule(because his plane), I take flight lessons.
Practice, practice, practice.
And both are a lot of hands on.
So is drawing.
And seeing things, inspired by others art, just figments--I was never very good at depicting at what I saw in my head. It's one of those ball and chains that are still around. I give up before I even go and grab a pencil and paper. I don't even have the will to draw. But that little bug is still there. Whatever will we have to art, I feel like mine will continue to die unless I do something about it. Until I actually give a flying hoot about this agonizing pain and tell myself 'screw it, just do it.'
Why not now?
Do I really want to file off all my excuses? No. Even my excuses are just hot air.
I also need to change my username on here. I've long outgrown the TheLoneDucky. But maybe I'll use that as an incentive if I actually start being active on here again. Actually grow up and take responsibility for myself and not blame my faults on other varying aspects. I won't know the why I stopped drawing, but I can know the when I started drawing, again.
I have things to look forward to in this life, and I'm going to say putting traditional art is on that list along side getting another vehicle, better riding and flying weather, meeting my best friend for the first time(she encourages me a lot to find my muse and do something about it), and maybe be able to actually go to school to be a pilot.
Practice, practice, practice, as they say. But sometimes, that's definitely a good tip when life is being a bloody screwball. Practicing to adult with no how-to manuals is a journey, I'll say that much.
I should be saying 'when,' oughtn't I??
After all, I recently bought new drawing material and supplies.