literature

Demon Tales - Episode 1 Scene

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During night´s dark allure, a character with such a black purpose as the hillside descended to the valley. That was the night, the one that for once and for all the traitor would be hunted down for good.


The figure unsheathed his sword, and checked his edge. He knew what his dark action was for, a greater reward. He straightened the sword in front of him and readied his gear, companion of many tasks, for his very last chance to avoid the disaster that otherwise would strike the Confederation down.


He remembered his data. Hita was where his target was hiding, and it was expected to flee from there so that it would be out of the executioner´s reach. But its information and belongings were too precious, too valuable to let it go unpunished. And that night was the night.


Between the slow movement of the dancing flares something managed to disrupt the executioner´s concentration. His target, a horse rider, was trying to escape.


The executioner smiled. He stuck the blade on the ground and lit up a torch. Its light made a banner with a very familiar pattern visible. From his very own, he had risked his precious seal of civil immunity. Not only it was precious economically for those who managed to sell one of those, but its usefulness among the colonies was absolute.


As expected, the rider came closer, knowing what to expect from the situation, still, the reward was worth the risk. Upon sight, the rider dismounted and met the executioner, silently.


“Are you going to stare at me the whole night?” yelled the executioner at the rider, after a couple of minutes of silence

“You are not worth staring at” shot back the rider, recognizing who he was against

“What? I hail you as I shouldn´t, I greet you as best as I could, and I get to host this encounter, for you not to glance at me?” The executioner smiles with a kinky sight on the rider, but he soon realised he was not the one that was looking for “Then, at least you could explain to me why the guest of honour decided not to come, after I took the trouble to arrange this meeting”

“He´s not coming, that´s all you need to know. I´m here to claim what he seeks. I may, at least, thank you for bringing it to me”

“I´ve noticed you staring at my little precious treasure here” the executioner decided to break the ice in a bitter tone “I got it while I was an outlaw, just like you here. I bet you´ll be wondering how I, a law enforcer condecorated for hundreds of achievements, was once an filthy pesky annoying outlaw and got pardoned by the grand Order of  the Execution” he continued conceitedly, moving around by few steps


His rival, noticing the executioner was getting distracted searched for his weapon, finding it stuck on the dirt. In a moment, he tried to reach for it, but the executioner foresaw the inexperienced move by the young son and kicked him back from the blade.


“I´ll let this one pass” the executioner warned, picking his sword back with his left hand “Well, then. Where was I? Oh! Of course! I was explaining how I got this precious little treasure of mine. Simple…”


The executioner raised his sword towards the kid, expecting him to finish his sentence, but instead he found him scared of an unfair move unworthy of a man of his rank.


“ I  K I L L E D  M Y  P R E D E C E S O R”


The tone in which he had said that attuned the rest of the conversation. They both felt where those words were leading to.


“And now, I give you the chance to accomplish it today, in a fair duel” he put off the torch´s blaze with his gauntlet and dropped the unlit stick on the ground “Go ahead! Amuse me! Haha hahahaha!”



Somewhat startled, the boy hopped back to his mount, where he´d hidden a cattle pike and tried to charge while the executioner was laughing, but the executioner countered his move as only an experienced swordsman could.


“Haha! What is that? Are you trying to drive me to some barn?” the executioner laughed at the kid´s last resource


The first class of weapons was decisive, as it set the executioner in a battle trance and, for the looks of it, his opponent too. It wasn´t only about the banner, neither it was for the money. It wasn´t even about avoiding another bloody chapter in the ongoing conflict. It was about the wellbeing of a family, or the end of a haunting past. Big scopes were irrelevant now.


Still, even if the metal strikes were the main events, the raider lost focus in the middle of a charge where he had the upper hand. The executioner´s eyes flashed with the opportunity to end that skirmish. As the pike was ill aimed, the executioner swung his sword against the horse on its side, making it bleed out violently.


The wounded mount went mad, going away from the battle zone and falling dead with the raider still on. The fall of his mount caused him his left leg.


The executioner stuck the blade on the dirt again, and supported his arms with it, somewhat tired but proud of his achievement nonetheless. But he got curious about what distracted the rider, it made no sense at all letting his guard down on a moment like that. While catching his breath, he looked around until he spotted a small column of smoke. A bit shocked, thinking that he didn´t put out his torch, he approached carefully, leaving his sword behind.


The thin smoke cloud was being dissipated, as a darkened shape got spotted, but was overshadowed by a couple of vivid red blazes from right inside of its darkness, floating still. It sat there, watching the event, as if the creature was pulling the strings of that fight. Those blazes, those eyes.


“I am… too late?” the executioner cringed and barely exhaled, then he smiled in a grim mood


The tie of the both´s gaze left him motionless. Someone decided to end that spell early, tough. An arrow soared from the shadows, a hiss was heard cutting the peace of night, and the executioner fell with his hands trying to get something but not knowing how. Until his last second, he hadn´t stopped searching for an answer on those eyes. The Demon´s eyes.


His last words: “What have you done?”


The hitman got away from the hideout he was in, carrying the murder weapon and trying to reach for the kid. In his way, he looted the executioner´s remains: his banner, his weapon, his belongings. Finally, he picked the boy up pushing the mount away from the kid. When he got it to his shoulder, he could realise how white his son´s face was. “It´s all over. Is going to be OK now” he tries to calm him, trying to pierce the kid´s trauma and pain. His son was not answering, he was not even reacting to him, his face paralysed looking forward.


As anyone else, the temptation to watch was too much. He began staring at the light that brought each of those who´d stared at it long enough to their ruin. The creature. There it stood, sat down, staring at him, waiting for his next move. It has seen it all.


Another hissing was produced, from the old man´s bow towards the demon. Nothing changed but for cinders dusting on the creature´s visage. It´s eyes began blazing brighter, as their vision narrowed.


Before something else could happen, the old man picked his son up and fled from the crime scene during the last moments under the cover of night´s shroud.


The creature stood up a moment, to watch them go away. It made its very first step towards them but stopped right away. It could not leave. It was incapable of leaving the circle it had spawned in, not without its master´s order. But no master showed up.


The circle was now its prison. It was refined, clean and very distinguishable. Too much effort was put drawing it, so much indeed that the fighters could not afford it. Besides, both of them hadn´t realised its presence until it was late. The doubts the demon carried kept it awake for the rest of the night, accompanied only by the remains of the loser of a fixed combat, and the scavengers that were about to make the last use out of them.


Fresh start from my first draft, ready, set and translated to English.
I may have to thank Zhiraf for the useful feedback ==> This one´s for you, buddy!

Either way, I´m going to list the things that should´ve been done by now according to the tips:

1.- Understand what purposes the Beginning needs to serve for your story.

Well, those are a bit of the information that needs to be set up in order for the Inciting Incident to work, and how the Beginnin tries to solve:

    1.- Medieval theme - The executioners carries a sword instead of a sniper or something like that.
    2.- Nationwide conflict - A conflict is mentioned a couple of times, it´s subtle but that´s enough.
    3.- Nation´s inestability - Traitor is what the excutioner calls his enemy, and is trying to pass information to its enemy.
    4.- Nation control over civilians - If executioners exists, you can bet that civilians aren´t givet that much freedom
    5.- Fantasy - A mysterious creature appears out of nothingness, called by some text drawn on the floor, whose gaze was enought to make anyone freeze and locked inside some drawings on the floor. Creatures that follows a "Master" which they apparently have to follow.

2.- Make sure that your Beginning is actually part of your plot.

    Most of the first  half is an info dump wrapped up in someone´s story, it doesn´t add much to the plot. However, the second half is where the plot lies completely. The moment the demon is summoned is crucial. And even if it feels menacing, all the time it was watching, it was impressed, maybe scared of what humans do to their own kind. The moment it sees with how much will they try to slay eachother fill it with a feeling of unease and fear for hostility. This will prove crucial to how it will react in future chapters.


3.- Set up and build pressure for an explosive Inciting Incident.

    Well, the following one kind of explains it all. people from nearby, lookin for the traitor will notice the executioner dead near the creature... and they won´t act nice. Give the creature a way to become free and... there you go Inciting Incident. The funny thing is that we are following the demon here, not the humans.

4.- Create an initial hook for your audience.

       I thought that it was a nice enough hook, you could find interesting things to follow from both the traitor´s side or the demon´s, and I expect people to know more about them, even if it feels a bit cliche. I think that that thought could be the major pushback.

5.- Make sure that the Beginning has the same pace and feel as the rest of your novel.

    I´ve checked the draft, and it seems quite cohesive in that way. Maybe some peaks here and there but, just a couple of peaks in an otherwise flat plain.

6.- Establish the norms of your world before the Inciting Incident.

    Have to cut a lot from this due to the next tip on the list but... I think I got some of them covered, such as the summon´s situation. next chapter is going to revolve a bit more about magic and its rules but, no magic on the Beginning so, no explanation needed.

7.-  Once you have finished writing the Beinning, know what to cut and save for later.

    Even though I feel like the first half is irrelevant and many time I´ve thought about removing it, Joseph said that it was a better idea to explain the fantasy elements through the eyes of humans (so we can relate to them) and my partner told me that the way the creature is introduced was something nice ( and could not work without the introduction previously mentioned). Besides,  can´t deny that it serves well as an infodump that is less boring to read. Other than that, I thing that I cut it down to the essentials.


What I have planned for the Inciting Incident is the unleashing of the creatures powers. This will serve a couple of purpouses. First, it sets it apart from the reader, just enough to see it as "not good" and make them fall into the big bad stereotype (note that the stroy we are looking is the Demon´s, so, just a reminder, it may be the antagonist for others, but it has its own. It has its dilemas and costs to deal with in exchange for the power it has. The clarification of this cliche is going to be one of the main focus of the novel). Second, it gives inestability to the world. Something that can ravage the whole country does not roam around without being noticed. Lastly, it will introduce the last piece, taint, that will feed from the desire of the anihilation of what can destroy and will fight aainst what little humanity the demon has.

Surely, most of this is not totally explained here, otherwise it could get too confusing for a Beginning. I plan to introduce some element foreing to the common medieval fantasy that may require more explanation that I cannot afford to give here.

Update: I renamed it from chapter to scene. I´m going to try to get scenes going and see which ones I get to use and which ones I leave behind. Not a happy thing, but important nonetheless.
© 2016 - 2025 TheBaneOfHelios
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queenofeagles's avatar
Nice! You can sense so well there is such a big conflict going on here, even though it's too early in the story to understand what it's about. I got a bit lost here and there though and only understood it well with the second read. I think it is okay to throw in a little bit more backstory and description, to help me get a grip on it. For example: I'd love to know more about that rider. He looked quite badass initially since he doesn't seem to be scared by the executioner, but then it turns out he is just a boy with a cattle pike... And that monster thingie: who summoned him? Okay, I don't need to know the details, but a few hints about what it is and why it is here would be great! The characters seem to know the creature. If you throw in some of their thoughts or how they are connected to in, I will have a reason to fear it (or not ;) I can get scared quite easily though).
Anyhow: keep it up! The hook worked for me ;) And I like the omniscient-ish style - the POV mainly follows the executioner and the monster, but you write it in such a way that it feels natural to follow the hitman, or 'step back' from the characters.