Time for the yearly "April Update" journal that's for letting people know where I am in life, physically and mentally.
I've been plugged into DeviantArt ever since around February 2015, I was 15 when I joined this site (My birthday wasn't until the April of that year, so yeah 15). I'm now 20 years old, and to give the important TLDR early on, I'm starting to feel like I'm maturing a little more into an adult.
Since about last year I've gotten a nutritionist to assist with my health, since I am an unhealthy twig who could really benefit from it. I've been driving every weekend since the summer (with a break in October to December for a certain reason), so soon enough I'll get my license at some point maybe in the summer or fall. I briefly felt what it was like to be in a relationship from late January to early February, which was a wondrous experience that I'll cherish and remember fondly for how it was in the beginning and learn from how it ended. I visited an old high school art teacher to figure out what it was to help get my art groove out once again and figure out the pattern, and surprisingly enough a drawing model they'd said they ordered for me was there and I was grateful for it. That's the most that come to mind immediately anyway, there are smaller things like joining Discord servers with nice people and learning what it's like to be addicted to Twitter. Also on talking terms with the first friend I made on DA again, so that's cool. And... media consumption, learning from my new favorite shows and learning the mistakes made in others' creations (I am an avid watcher of those people who like talking about how a film or show does something wrong on Youtube, it's good educational material for how I could make my own written works better).
As for how I've been doing on the usual everyday life, the usual. I'll clean around the house, especially in the laundry room cause two of our cats have become rather... uncouth. Ideas for some stories still hang around in mind, occasionally writing down said notes. And art, as I said earlier, I recently figured out how to at least get it started in terms of the drawing process. My sleep schedule is still a rather inconsistent mess, as I stay up even now writing this journal at five AM. It's just how my work ethic has always been, adjust to a normal sleep schedule, break it as soon as an art project comes in cause I'll be working into the night to finish one part of it. I let others vent to me when they need someone to vent to, I try to be more talkative to friends I only occasionally talk to but hesitate to do so, and social life IRL has been void because I only have one friend IRL and I've only been to their house once until they moved somewhere a little further away.
Now for where I am in a mental sense, I think I've figured out one part of what I said I wanted to figure out the last journal. Who I want to be. I know who it is I want to be, at least personality wise. I want to be the level-headed type that while I enjoy being rather silly with others, will also be real with others when necessary. To always be honest to those closest, which with my own inner perfectionist making me give more detail about what I talk about to make sure I'm not misunderstood. Understand the parts of me that want, and not think of those things as me being selfish while also listening to the needs of others that if I have the power to provide to do so. Altruism and doing the right thing should always be something to strive for and influence others with that same train of thought. In short, even though the world is against this mentality, I want to and strive to be akin to an anime or Kamen Rider protagonist. Akin, as in I'd take inspiration in a moralistic sense, as there are things I'd want to do for myself that an animated protagonist wouldn't do.
As for where I want to be, that's still rather in the air. I've heard this quote from one of my sisters, "Learn from your bliss and learn from your blisters." Which essentially means, to do what you love no matter how much it can be at times. I know I love being creative, I wouldn't be doing artwork if I wasn't. I also enjoy writing, as some friends know I've written a story or two and showed it to them. I like to sing as well, as whenever someone's not at home I tend to turn on my headset's microphone and pull lyrics up on another device while the instrumental plays in the said headset. But I don't know if I have the skills capable enough to make any of those things an actual career, or at least a career I would enjoy. When I was told my work had been improving recently with the art trade I posted before my birthday, I did feel a sense of accomplishment with it. But I still don't believe myself to be a very capable artist compared to that others make online on a daily basis, or feel like my work would ever be enough to justify making a career out of it. And with father (politely as he could) pushing me into getting a job at a nearby grocery store, I was on Indeed the find somewhere that could potentially work at until then. And call this my inner self-critic being harsh on myself again, but I didn't really see anything I could potentially capable of. I don't have the muscle power for some places, or the required intelligence and memory skills for others, and there are not really many options for anything that would be best for... someone of my caliber (I don't mean to say that to be snobby or something, but my closest friends will know what I'm referring to). So I'm sort of at a loss, and there's not really a guidebook for "How to Adult for Dummies" which if it were real, I'd want to buy it as soon as possible. Step one is to find work and continue fixing my internal schedule, including when I sleep and how much I can control my rather procrastinative nature.
The times are changing, and so must I. The naive boy who'd want to favorite every possible thing that came in his inbox every night has grown up, and the feeling of needing to always watch someone no matter what is gone. There are people that watch me where I will always follow their work, whether it be because they're a close friend or an inspiration I still don't know why they watched back, but there are just some things I now rather not have appear in my inbox because the works the artist now provides is meant for another audience. There are people who I used to consider acquaintances, but now I find myself ill-compatible and feel would be better for both of us to just stick to the group of friends we already talk to more than each other. Don't mistake these actions as someone who's cold-hearted, I do care about how I affect others. The memories of the mistakes I've made in the past still replay themselves in my mind at least once a week now, still being unable to forgive myself for how I negatively impacted others. However, to make an analogy, it's like a pair of friends who have known each other since 1st grade. One's on their way to being a doctor at a high-end university, while the other is becoming a popular sports athlete at a college several states away. They don't hate the other or something, life simply had given them different paths, and they drifted apart. They moved on.
I know this was very much a "real talk" journal, but this was my personal thought process and debriefing. The reason why I make it public is to inform others who want to know what's happening with me, along with seeing if others would like to throw their hats in the ring and give thoughts. Either for my sake, their sake, or both our sakes. Thank you kindly for reading, hopefully your Easter Sunday was fun and that the day continues to be enjoyable for you. - Mobian V.