Listening to: My cries of pain
Reading: My journal because holy shit
Watching: MakaIzu watch feed
Sup. Only way I can talk to anyone of my friends. So, right now, I'm going through some shit. My moms boyfriend broke up with her, we moved back to grandmas, my sister and step father are starting shit way too soon, my grandmothers broke as all hell trying to take care of me and doing rent and shit, and my moms not around when I need her to. All I can think right now is why this shit has to happen to me. I didn't do anything to the world but live, and it seems I am one of the many unlucky kids out there who's life is royally fucked up. I can't describe how much pain I have had to handle from all the damn stress. I just want a normal, happy life. If there really is a god out there, why haven't they done shit for all of the unfortunate kids? Why is humanity to fucked up? I'm not special, but for hells sake I want to be one of those happy rich kids, getting all their fancy cars. I want a happy family, a mother who won't run off to fuck knows where to mope about shit and leaving her daughter to her grandparents and proving to the kid how much pain sucks when your unable to convey to the said parent how much they truly mean to them and how fucking bad they feel just for existing only to serve as a way of saying 'you've fucked up your parents life' to the kid. I want a little sibling that doesn't act rude to the one who made them, especially when said parents had trouble doing it. I want to not be some Autistic kid who people make fun of. But you know what? None of it will ever happen, and it makes me wonder "Is this what it's like to be miserable, hurting inside because you're the reason everything is so bad?" Answer is a god damn yes, but I bet most people in America never realize what some of these people think, and no wonder suicide is increasing. There's a bunch of dumb people out there who don't realize that "hey, this person is suffering, let's help them" but instead increase that suffering enough to cause them to kill themselves. Then there's the people out there that make fun of Austisim. What kind of people do that? We're just different, we're not stupid or retarded. We're just socially special in our own ways. It's not like you're not dealing with shit either. But you know what I want, to be royally left alone by everyone who thinks I'm weird and stupid and stuff like that. I'm just different, I'm angry because none of you (except for a few, thank god for you people) respect me for that. It's because of my "special" autistricy that causes drama to appear that deals with me, or me and several other people. I've done fucked, I know, but I hate drama, and I want no part in it. But it happens, and I laugh because to be honest, whoever starts it is usually somebody who doesn't know what it's like to be different from everyone else, or their dealing with shit. Hell, I will admit I can push buttons, but you have every right to tell me "Hey, can you stop doing whatever is pushing my buttons" and I will try to fix that problem. In roleplay, I tend to act out of character because, for one, I am not used to that character and it's how I would react. Two, I don't give a fuck what you say, I will do what I want, whenever I want to. If you don't tell me anything before it starts, I won't notice until you tell me that. On this one pesterchum server, it was just unfair. They came up with these random rules (Ther was probably rules somewhere, but this was stupid) where you had limited entries because the server was so empty all the time that you're practically role playing by yourself, or that you have to enter through a certain way all the time unless you stayed afk in the server for however long it takes for you to get back on. That's sorta dumb, right? But unfortunately, the owner has banned me from the discord for "pushing her buttons" and "not liking me from the start" which is a lie if I have ever heard one. I have never talked a lot to her, and she could've told me such from the start instead of faking it for like, 1 or 2 years. She's most likely banned me from her pesterchum server as well for no good reason. Then there's another kid out there, and boy does he cyber bully! It's been a few years since the drama had begun slash ended, and it began again oh a year ago during the summer. I had a fake name and shit, came out with the truth, and that done fucked me up. Then the drama begins again, however I'm not doing anything what so ever. Kid says I threatened him, tried to prove it with a "friend" whom I'm guessing is an alt, but he has no visual proof to be honest. However, a few months back, I joined his server because it was the same name as another server I had joined. He sniped me, and his girl friend (who was not included in the drama but he brought her in) threatened my life. I of course reported both of them for it, and left pesterchum. I joined again, for a few days, before leaving once more because pesterchum was a drama bomb waiting to happen. The server was nice, but I had a feeling I knew them so I left respectfully. After all, Kat is a popular name to hate there. I don't know where he went, but he's around. Still. Shrug about that. Man I've talked a lot, it sure helps I've done this in a public journal as well! Maybe it's why I don't feel like crying like a shitty child I am. I don't like crying, it hurts me. Right now I'm unable to sleep, so I guess that counts. I wonder if my mom loves me anymore?