Long time no see. I'm on my last stretch of high school and it has been effectively kicking my ass so my motivation and time for art outside of my art class has dwindled. I sketched this in October and decided that I would try to finish this motherfucker. Plus I wanted to put what I learned in art to use.
Since nobody reads this because nobody looks at my art uhh let's vent. So I had a p wild mental breakdown last friday and I came to the realization that uhhh my people obsession? its a symptom of BPD. I talked to my buddy in art about it and turns out she has BPD so I ask her about some stuff and she's like "uhh yeah it sounds like you have it and you should get some therapy before you destroy all your relationships." I'm like "well shit" like I've been in such an anti-recovery mindset for the past ??? years but idk because she said that I have actually for the first time truly considered getting some help. But at this point I don't know how to bring it up to my parents like "hey throw a bunch of fucking money at this idiot to listen to my problems because I'm an incredibly fucked up human-being." I'm so terrible at asking my parents for stuff I don't even know where this anxiety comes from.
I also did something really shitty and I started working on this so I would stop thinking about it but since were spilling beans here and nobody is reading this big shitty block of text anyway let me share this blunder publicly. In English, we had to write a slam poem. I'm gonna be real with you chief, I hate poetry more than anything, slam poetry is no exception. So I got no fucking clue what to right about. My people obsession? No. I'm not revealing myself to be a fucking nutcase to my entire English class, thank you. I decide that I just won't do it I guess. In the meantime, this guy backed into my friend's car in Dec. and they both agreed just to pretend it didn't happen. Fast forward two months, guy pins the blame on my friend and now his parents want her insurance information. Of course, she doesn't give them her info because she didn't hit him so his parents p much start harassing her to the point that they show up at her doorstep demanding her insurance info and she screams in the guy's face to stop lying but to no avail. She's clearly distraught over this whole situation so in econ I joke "he's in my English class so write me slam poem and I will present it to him." She actually does it like an absolute madman and I take what she gave me and form it into an actual thing full of bullshit language and metaphors and call it a day. Presentation day comes along and the dude in my English presents his poem and I know what that shit is about and I can see that the dude feels guilty about lying but he's kinda trapped in this lie. I already fucking feel super shitty because this kid knows what he's done and now I am about to attack him in front of everyone. So I present this poem and he knows its about him. He walks past me and says something but because I can't hear for shit the only word I hear is "chains." The sins I have committed begin to truly sink in and I feel like a fat sack of dog shit. Like this whole deal wasn't even my business so why should I have been instigating fights I don't belong in? I thought I did an okay job of writing the damn thing up until I showed it to two of my friends and both of them pointed out how cliché the first stanza is (one said it was 'gay' which is ???) and now I feel like an asshole who presented a shitty stupid poem. I never want to write another poem ever again so thanks Mrs. A for ruining my whole ass life.
So that's been my life the past week. See you in another month maybe lol