Uhhh, hello everyone.
It's been a little over a month since I've proclaimed my hiatus, which was never really a hiatus if I'm going to be honest. I just made my entire profile bland.
It wasn't like I lied, though. I truly wanted to get the hell out of here, for my own welfare. I've trapped myself in this 20^2 m large bedroom for 9 consecutive years, using the Internet day-to-day to forget about my problems in the real world, and I've only barely made progress in getting my shit together. I messed up my life, my future, my mental health, all because I couldn't keep my head high enough through all of the mayhem that I went through as a younger lad.
Not much that I can do now, my failure of a hiatus proving that. Oh well. So ist das Leben.
I want to thank everyone who had wished me a happy birthday, it really made my day and then some. Even though I wanted to take a hiatus so badly, I miss you all so much and it's highly appreciated. Makes me feel... remembered. Important. Validated. Understood. Loved. Like I actually mean something here. The same reason why my Internet addiction started round the end of 2010.
...Shit. Get me out of here.
My birthday, speaking of, just came and went. I'm a year older now, so that's a thing. I stopped celebrating birthdays years ago, back in... I want to say 2017. It was before that year my parents decided a great idea to have my asshole grandfather and his bitch of a wife come visit me to give me some cash, because that was the only thing my parents knew that I would enjoy outside of the Internet. The meeting didn't go so well, and I had a panic attack just by seeing their faces. I'm so weak. How can something as simple as a face trigger me that bad? What next? Their names? Their cars?
It wasn't so cool, seeing that I lost 14 watchers while I was gone. Such loyalty. Such patience. But whatever, it just means I have less zombies following me and never faving my stuff.
At the same time though, I actually gained a few watchers. I wonder why, though. I only do music, character designs and character sheets. Nothing over-the-top. Nothing eye-catching.
A lot of people see me as a generally happy, extroverted person. Maybe. Here's the truth, though. I'm not. I'm imperfect. I'm unhappy. I'm hopeless. The Internet did an amazing job in helping me mask my true feelings and, as an old friend once told me some years ago, "create a façade" of myself. Horrible things have happened to me, and I did horrible things as well, which I deeply regret and can't stop thinking of every day. Will time ever allow me to turn his hand backwards and correct the mistakes I've made? Maybe even convince my parents not to divorce? Everything would be so much brighter for me, for everyone, but I live in the wrong universe. We all do. We can't control whatever happens to us. It just does. Automatically. By itself. What is God up to?
We're all toys, broken in one way or another.