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Deviant for 12 Years
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Clowns by tdfb Clowns :icontdfb:tdfb 4 0
I've been trying to talk to a friend of a friend, a message in a messenger I hit the send and regret immediately; I don't know how to speak, at the top of my game my social skills are weak and the top is a place I ain't been for ages, too caught up in fake-life and skipping pages in the book of experiences we should all share, I look for the picture but I know I'm not there. And why should they care.
I used to dream of a future where my life was dull, anything was better than lonely and awful, now I'm living my future and the only escape is through binding my eyes closed with videotape. The prospect of living is enough to kill, just existing at the minute is making me ill. Dropped into therapy then pulled back out, primal scream to war cry, to guttural shout. Still riddled with doubt.
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I've been struggling to think of the words.
What to say to make my pain not just heard
but felt.
It's been two and a half months but it's been much
much longer than that. It's been what,
six months since we spoke?
Six months from now or from two and a half months ago?
Now we'll never speak again. Now you'll never
speak again.
I knew everything I was going to say each day of those
six months and each day of the following lifetime.
Everything I was going to show you,
hear your reaction and share in the joy of
shared discovery.
I was going to show you things I hadn't yet seen but had
ready. Waiting.
Now I have no one to show them to and no want to
show them at all. Why sit alone for a show built
for two? Who would sit in a chair made for another,
a view set for another?
I loved you and held you close not in my arms but
in my heart. A brother now lost.
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Hope Taken
Voices raised and voices shook,
Words were read, hymns were sung,
Casting, now and then, a look
T'wards where she now lay.
Heads were bowed and tears were shed,
Hearts were bruised, hands were wrung.
Deep beneath the flowerbed
We buried her away.
O, simple loves and simple joys
May, fragile, be snubbed far too young.
This little girl, amongst her toys,
Was hope the other day.
Now love is dead and joy is lost,
Our hearts are left forever stung,
With clouded minds we fear the cost
We must forever pay.
:icontdfb:tdfb 0 0
The Vampire
I met, last night, an avatar of Death.
He woke me rapping, gently, on my door.
His hands were long and cold, as was his breath;
His eyes were deep as oceans, maybe more.
"My son, I seek a fire and a friend,
Someone to whom my woes may be revealed."
I sat him in a chair and made to tend
The fire when he proffered scroll, unsealed.
A chill I felt like none before as I
Saw artfully my name inscribed in red.
He took my hand and looked me in the eye,
Said "By midnight, my son, you shall be dead."
I choked a scream and swallowed back my tears,
I struggled for what seemed eternity;
To face, like this, the darkest of my fears
Was much too cruel a twist of destiny.
"What, now, can I be expected to do?
By what method may I still save myself?"
"There is but one path open yet to you,
But should you walk it, you may lose your health."
"What care I, health, if life I still may live?"
He closed his eyes and loosed a twisted curse.
"These rules, not mine, are no less mine to give.
To live this life, n
:icontdfb:tdfb 2 0
A small selection of Haikus
Rain drops in puddles
Blink in and out of focus
Like stars through the clouds.
Shadows over grass
Flow, unstoppable as time
In it's endless course.
Swift, amongst the grain,
Changes direction at whim
And turns, soon, to home.
The doe, so fragile,
May become the calmest rock
In a hurried stream.
Twisted branches rise
From atop the high held head
Of the woodland King.
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No Fanfare
No fanfare for he that fell from the horse
And cracked his head and now lies under dirt.
No fanfare for he that wandered too far,
Was lost to the world and died soon of thirst.
No fanfare for she, that alone and so scared,
Did search for a hand just to find a raised fist.
No fanfare for he that was so full of joy
And lost all but life when betrayed by a kiss.
The moments that end us are often not met
With fanfare or lights, or thunderous clouds
But everyday whimpers that bare no portents;
Passers by, not gathering crowds.
:icontdfb:tdfb 0 0
Self Portrait in the shade of a floral net by tdfb Self Portrait in the shade of a floral net :icontdfb:tdfb 1 0
I keep to myself. Feign ignorance of ambiance, the wailing of an ambulance
speeding past. Keep my gaze to the ground, count the sound of each pound
as my footfalls merge with the crowd all around.
A hand catches my sleeve.
I can hardly believe, in my lonely reprieve I am more than a shadow,
made just to deceive
Each sense; negating a presence than down to it's essence is
static - white noise. A blind spot across a cold shoulder.
"You dropped this."
I miss not a beat as I focus my feet on the path straight ahead I am doomed to repeat.
The difference each time? I am days, months, years older.
:icontdfb:tdfb 0 0
self portrait wip by tdfb self portrait wip :icontdfb:tdfb 1 0
The one from whom my aspirations grew,
The one who seemed the perfect role model
Was revealed, with no warning,
To have been a devil all along.
The one person who truly seemed to care
Regardless of my many compound faults.
The one who led by example.
Was a devil all along.
The one who embodied, perfectly, charity.
The former soldier, friend of culture,
Bringer of joy in youth
Was a devil all along.
The one whose deathbed I sat beside,
The one whose hand I held upon his passing,
The one I held so dear
Was a devil all along.
Can a man truly change?
I must believe, I can’t not.
His love was all I saw.
His memory’s all I’ve got.
Was he a devil all along?
:icontdfb:tdfb 0 0
What once was.
    I remember our first night together. It was what… eight years ago now? I remember how softly your lips pressed against mine, how gently your arms wrapped around me. I remember how you smiled and smiled and smiled. I remember the shivers that ran down my spine as you whispered promises of love and traced endless constellations on my back. I remember the warming caress of our cheeks meeting.
    What happened between then and now? What happened to turn us from two innocent, joy-filled and love-struck wanderers in the fields of life into monstrosities carved in petrified wood and bone; cold to the touch and stiffly aloof. What happened to turn your deeply blue, unending gaze to little more than a frosted reflection of my own inadequacies?
    I cry myself to sleep, remembering the warmth that used to permeate the room whenever you were nearby, curled up and separated from you by a single sheet: a distance spanning universes. We still share a bed but
:icontdfb:tdfb 1 6
How soon can we, unburdened, be
exposed for what we are;
The fractured mind that hides behind
the self-inflicted scar.
Too soon we cast distorted past
from molds that are not true,
The plaster splits and falls to bits
revealing something new;
Revealed now stares, not unawares,
A self we strived to shun,
A self so wild, an inner child
who frolicked in the sun.
As painted whore, we stand before
the stare that judges so,
a stare that burns and twists and turns
and tosses to and fro;
A stare that grips at tongue and lips
to beckon forth a cry:
A cry of truth, now so uncouth
to mouths that love to lie.
How can we claim to hold no blame
for what we have become?
For surely we, in truth, were free
when spinning webs we spun.
:icontdfb:tdfb 1 0
An Analogy
    You are on a ship, out to sea. The captain has just died trying to avoid a collision with an iceberg, water is slowly flooding the lower decks but might start flooding quicker if something isn't done. People are arguing over who should take charge: the choices are Connor, Liam or Graham.
    Connor has pledged that, should he get into power, they will seal off the lower decks. This might or might not stop the whole ship from sinking, but will definitely trap everyone who is in the lower decks of the ship and condemn them to death. This means anyone in the higher decks will be fine as there will be plenty of space in the lifeboats for them.
    Liam has pledged to make sure that the people in the lower decks will be allowed to come to the top of the ship. A couple of people will be sent to have a look at the hole but they probably won't be able to do much. Although there is probably enough room in the lifeboats for everyone, Liam will do little to ensur
:icontdfb:tdfb 0 0
I had a dream not three nights passed you were still here with me,
we hired ourselves a little boat and drifted out to sea.
We looked up to the moon and constellations far above,
The moon shone with a wild joy and each star shone with love.
This moment lasted not so long as soon we ceased to float,
I reached for hands and found but hair that wreathed around my throat,
it dragged me down to darkest depths and at my limbs it tore,
my mouth was filled with salted tears 'til breath I sought no more.
Amongst the pain, a sweet refrain had recently begun,
this haunting tune beneath the waves, the last song you had sung.
Each note that sought to rend my heart, each stinging, cloying frond
would carry me to hinterlands of grief and far beyond.
Since then a shawl hangs over me, an echo in mind's eye,
I know this dream shall haunt me every moment 'til I die.
:icontdfb:tdfb 0 0
Shot in the Dark
You woke me, gun in hand, too late to make sense of things. The shadows that engulfed you were velvet black and nothing came between them and your skin. I shook the sleep from my eyes just to make you out, silhouetted against the shutters like some mad dog on a hill, barking at the moon. I was the moon, I guess; the unhearing heavens; the soon-to-be corpse at the end of the barrel. I breathed in as the pistol breathed out: you’d tightened your grip and let slip hot death three inches too high, furrowing my scalp and making quite a mess of the headboard.
We never talk about it but I see you glance, sometimes, at the scar. It only hurts when we kiss.
:icontdfb:tdfb 1 0

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Looking back at everything I've put up on here over the years, there's a lot of absolute crap but there's here and there something I'm actually quite proud of. Although tempted, I'm not going to delete anything.

I've got the opportunity to have some of my stuff displayed in a local gallery for a week or so as part of a group exhibition. I really don't feel like any of it is worth putting in a gallery and yet I am excited at the prospect of basically fulfilling one of my dreams, even though, again, I don't feel like I've earned it. I'm worried of getting feedback, positive or negative. The prospect of vindication for either side of my internal struggle is unsettling.

I think I need to be less self-deprecating. I think I also need to be less paranoid. I am bricking it.

Should anyone see this in time, have the means and opportunity to get to Leicester in early-mid May of this year (2018), and be at all interested in going along to the exhibition drop me a line and I'll give you the details. It would mean a lot to me to see that people are even vaguely interested and I think it would mean a lot to the rest of the members of the group as well though, frankly, I'd be amazed if anyone even sees this.
  • Listening to: Norah Jones, Joni Mitchell and Bjork
  • Reading: finishing Tamas, starting A Farewell To Arms
  • Playing: Borderlands the Pre-Sequel
  • Eating: home-made vegan fast food
  • Drinking: tea


tdfb's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United Kingdom


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Phototubby Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the +fav! Hug
dresew Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2015
Thanks+fav !
KrisaHe Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2015  Student
Thanks for the fave :D
(1 Reply)
HendrikHermans Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for faving
(1 Reply)
asket86 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
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