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Today I have been a member of dA for exactly a decade. This was important so I wrote a haiku about it. It goes like this:

When I first joined
I was still in Middle School
Christ I'm getting old
  • Listening to: Space Plagues | Space Jam vs Prince of Egypt
... How do I dA.
No I'm serious I'm completely lost now, I've been gone for so long. There are a bunch of options above this text box that are giving me intimidating looks like hey. Betcha don't know what we are. Guess what. You'll never know.

Initially I had planned out this elaborate journal entry that would explain where I'd been and what I'd been up to and why I never came by to say hi, but. Fuck it. I'm just gonna start unloading some shit into my gallery instead. Here's the condensed version:

Life is a bitch and sometimes you find the wrong way to deal with it. Instead of stopping and taking a deep breath you just keep walking with your head down, and all you can see is your feet. Then one day you walk headfirst into a wall and you're forced to look around, and you realize that if you'd at one point stopped and looked around maybe you wouldn't be as completely and irrevocably lost as you currently are. So you roll up your sleeves and make your way back to a point where you can see the horizon again.

In my last journal entry from when Father Time was young I apparently wrote a list about knowing when you're halfway to being grown. You can add "pretend to know when you're grown up" to that list. My new theory is that you are grown when you decide not to break down, and instead shoot life the finger and do your best in the situation you find yourself in. Five years from now I'm sure that will be added to the list, too.


To all of you young'uns out there who are marveling at how easy growing up turned out to be, I have some bad news.
When your shoes are shiny, your hair is groomed and your pants have been hoisted up to your hips; when your facebook has started gathering dust, your gym membership has expired, and your checking account sports four digit numbers, you're halfway there.

It's been my experience that, much like the five stages of dying, there are five stages of growing up;

Depression again

In my particular case:

1995 - "I don't have to grow up!"
2003 - "I'm gonna work really hard now and be a success when I'm older!"
2006 - "I have no fucking clue what to do after High School..."
2008 - "Enjoying this field or not, I'll have to stick with it to pay the bills."
2010 - "Shit my life is a failure and I haven't been on dA for months."

In a completely unrelated subject, you all are rock stars and I bow to your crushing aura of awesome. <33

I'LL BE BACK. :iconterminator:
  • Listening to: &quot;Kings and Queens&quot; - 30 Seconds to Mars
  • Reading: Flickan som Lekte med Elden
  • Drinking: Pumpkin Spice Latte WITH WHIP
Sorry, can't write you; my hands have turned to stone.
Summer's here again and I've got tan lines and headaches and a runny nose and too many years behind me. Summer's here and I can't get a job and no school will have me and everybody's happy the sun's out.

It's too hot and it's too stuffy and all good news have died of dehydration.
I wrote a song about my life and I painted a picture of my dreams. I put them both on the wall as a reminder and now Devlin is wondering why I've got two blank pieces of paper on my wall.

PS. I had six flights in ten days and I'm still alive and if Petey has the balls to tell me at the pearly gates I didn't do enough things that scared me in life I'll punch him in the gut.
  • Listening to: &quot;Life Is Beautiful&quot; - Sixx:A.M
It's incredibly unsettling, feeling like this all the time. Time has started to move faster when I'm not looking, or maybe I'm moving too slow. There aren't enough hours in the day anymore and I keep waking up more tired than when I went to sleep. My head is itching to write, my fingers are itching to draw, and my heart has gone mute. But my hands keep hovering over the keyboard because my fingers don't want to write, and my pencil keeps hovering over the page because my head doesn't want to draw.
And my heart will just kinda sigh wistfully as if it were lovesick, contemplating the indecision of youth and the regrets of old age.

I can't sleep at night for the guilt of not being able to focus on work during the day. I can't work during the day from the fatigue of not getting any sleep. It's like running around a giant hamster wheel, except it's studded with broken glass and you're barefoot.

Also every morning it seems like I open the newspaper and another plane has crashed.
Also I'm leaving for Sweden on Sunday and if you don't hear from me you'll know that I was right all along about one of those damn things being the end of me one day.

"I want to dip my fingers in you misery and lick them clean until there is nothing left of us but bad poetry and eyeliner."
  • Listening to: &quot;How I Go&quot; - Yellowcard
  • Playing: Super Mario Galaxy
  • Eating: Swedish candy
Does anyone else notice that when you try to navigate to dA's main page you get redirected to MySpace?

This intrigues me in a stop-tickling-my-feet-I'm-going-to-chomp-off-your-fingernails kinda way.
EDIT// Oh wait it's gone now. It was a short lived... Whateverthehell it was. Still intriguing, though.

Also my birthday is on the 24th and How to Train Your Dragon is the best movie I've seen in much too long. <33
  • Listening to: How To Train Your Dragon soundtrack &lt;33






[Also I'm still not around dA just happens to be my start page and I couldn't resist. This was a fantastic start to the day. xDDDD]
  • Listening to: &quot;I Can't Decide&quot; - Scissor Sisters
  • Reading: DRAGON BALL
I'm still not gonna be around for a bit, sorry. I'm in serious need of getting my shit together.
  • Listening to: &quot;Shattered [Turn The Car Around]&quot; - O.A.
  • Reading: Hans Christan Anderson Fairy Tales


Guess who isn't dead?
[Protip: It's not Michael Jackson.]

Sorry for the random detour into oblivion. Certain sensitive issues, family issues, personal issues, and generally pissy days to be alive kept my priorities pretty far away from deviantART and, indeed, my computer in general. BUT. I'm not gonna deep headfirst into that shallow pool. Push and shove: I'm back. Yup.
OKAY WHO CARES PUT YOUR HAND UP LET'S SEE ONE, TWO, THREEokayfineI'mmakingthesenumbersup

Hope you all had lovely Holidays with lots of joy and good food and general merriment, and also that 2010 has started well for you all.

Myself I'm back in the States now. I kinda miss Sweden, and definitely miss all my geeky buddies who would stay in school with me until two in the morning and play Prince of Persia work. :(
But hey. USA is cool, too. I just don't have any friends over here [except Ray but he's intimidated by big dick plus he lives on the East Coast so yea] and I find myself unable to go out and have a drink with my Mam and sister.

... x:

You know when you've been planning a journal entry for days, and when you finally sit down to write it down you can't remember anything you wanted to say? Yea this is me having that moment.

I think I'll just leave you all with a big bundle of thank yous and gratitude. Though you're gonna have to dig through a jumble of apologies to get to them.

  • Listening to: All The Right Moves - OneRepublic
  • Reading: The Zombie Survival Guide - Max Brooks
  • Watching: [Adult Swim]
  • Drinking: Well not beer no mo', that's fo' sho'.
Happy late first Advent, all you Swedes and... other people... Who may or may not celebrate Advent...
In past years I've made a habit out of painting a picture for every Advent [except the fourth; which I somehow always manage to fail to finish in time], but unfortunately I haven't had, and will not have, the time this year.

Due to an immense workload and full agenda, I've managed to work myself into a stress-induced art and mental block. This kind of sucks.

I'm way behind in... Well, everything. Commissions, Deviant Dead, moving, internships, you name it. Not sure how this came about, seeing as I can't remember taking any time off at all the past month or so...
[In fact, I'm only taking the time to write this because I'm waiting for my render to finish.]

Anyway, I'm flying up to Stockholm tomorrow to collect a bag I left at my Pap's wife's, as well as say 'bye to the people I probably won't be seeing again anytime soon since I'll be moving back to the States in a few weeks. That gives me even less time for work, and more time to freak out.

To add insult to injury, it's been REALLY warm considering the season. Lowest we go in daytime is around 4C [~40F] No snow for us. Boo.

Hope you're all having a more enjoyable, less stressful beginning of the Holiday Season.
I'll catch you all on the flip side.

  • Listening to: Becoming Insane - Infected Mushroom
  • Reading: The Way of Shadows - Brent Weeks
  • Watching: Julkalendern
  • Playing: Pokemon Diamond
  • Eating: Saffron Buns
  • Drinking: Julmust
[Commissions are OPEN.]

Return of the ever-popular bullet-point list:

:bulletblue: I made it into DeviantDead and am really freaking excited for the first round! The lineup is fantastic, and I'm honored to be part of it. :)

:bulletblue: Thank you all for your recent comments, faves, and watches! :hug:

:bulletblue: Has anyone else noticed that when you view your own "Featured" gallery, your oldest pictures come up first?

:bulletblue: Maya is a bitch.

:bulletblue: The above statement is a lie.

:bulletblue: I am Maya's bitch.

:bulletblue: I just noticed first hand that giving coins to beggars doesn't yield good karma. This confuses and angers me.

:bulletblue: I'm freaking out over getting an Internship this spring. So far it doesn't seem likely to happen. Mostly because I still suck at 3D and don't have a portfolio. x:

:bulletblue: I'll never give up on getting out of this two-star town.

  • Listening to: &quot;Sell Your Soul&quot; - Hollywood Undead
  • Watching: Eureka 7
  • Playing: Pokemon Diamond
  • Eating: Cinnamon buns
  • Drinking: Julmust
[Commissions are OPEN.]

I kinda feel like I've forgotten who I am.
Which sounds really depressing and EMO; but what I mean is that I have so much stuff on my plate right now that I don't even have the time to figure out who I am in the mornings.
Much less practice my communication skills. Which is why this journal is going to suck so much.

Right now I have four different balls in the air, and I've never been able to juggle more than three at a time [and even then I'm really bad at it. I think my record is five tosses. but then again, I'm not that great at head math, either, so maybe I counted wrong]. One is a school project, two are personal projects, and the fourth is getting an internship for next spring. And here is the kicker: All but one need to get done by October 31st, and I'm NOWHERE NEAR being done! Hahahhahahahah BRING ON THE ALL-NIGHTERS!

I'm not actually whining [I know, coulda fooled me, too], I'm just giving excuses as to why I'm never online. P: [Though I do still update my Webcam with WIP screens periodically.]
Matter of fact, these days I don't even have Firefox open while working [right now is an exception because I needed to look up reference]. Not even having the Internet open when I'm working has really helped my concentration, though. :)

But yea. Knowing myself, I may not be able to finish the Halloween picture I've been working on [SPOILER?], so I wanted to wish you all an early Happy Halloween just in case! :pumpkin:
May your October 31st be filled with candy, cavities, insurance-covered dentist appointments, and lots of ghosts. :heart:

This spring I need to complete a five-to-six month internship in order to graduate; but unfortunately none of the companies I've written to have written back. So if you know of a company focused on 3D modeling that are looking for interns, I'm very interested to hear it. :)

Take care! :pumpkin:
  • Listening to: &quot;The Cage&quot; - Sonata Arctica
  • Watching: The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Playing: Pokemon Diamond
[Commissions are OPEN.]

I'm gonna kill three stones with one bird.

I'm knocking that Godawfully depressing journal entry off my page. My luck has stabilized to the point where things are back to normal. Thank you everyone who sympathized with me. ;) :heart:

Question: Does anyone know how to change that outgoing link setting that makes you confirm it every time you wanna access a page outside of dA? Now that the "[LINK]" virus has long since blown over it's starting to drive me a bit nuts.

I finally got my student grant yesterday. HURRAH.
[Initially I was just gonna make a journal entry to rub that in all your faces. But then I sneakily incorporated two other points to make it less obvious. :)]

How are you all? You too stressing out to the point where you wanna chew off your nails and use the clippings to slit your wrists in an emo fit? :33

... This was a seriously badly written journal entry. This fills me with ahngst.

  • Listening to: &quot;Arise&quot; - e s Posthumus
  • Watching: The ballerina go round and round and...
  • Playing: Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations
You punch like a girl."

So my summer went about as badly as it possibly could have. Just about everyting that could have gone to hell did so with a payed 1st class ticket purchased on my expense.
There is no way in hell you guys would ever stand reading the long version, so please let me give you an abbreviated version in bullet point form of the main events, if only because misery loves company:

:bulletblue: They cancelled my usual flight route from Copenhagen to Seattle this summer, so I have to take a longer flight via Reykjavik 9 hours after takeoff.

:bulletblue: Seattle was hot. Like, insanely, record-breakingly hot and humid. And I cannot STAND the heat [give me a break, I'm Swedish, for fuck's sakes! I like it cold]. Plus it effectively killed any and all motivation/inspiration I could have had going if it weren't for the fact that

:bulletblue: my sister and I argued non-stop

:bulletblue: my wallet was stolen [all my debit and credit cards, drivers license, insurance card, AAA, cash, and a small slip where I wrote down mu Social because I ALWAYS forget it otherwise]

:bulletblue: my American bank wouldn't give me the information needed for the police to find out where the theif was trying to use my card before I canceled it

:bulletblue: my SWEDISH bank being dicks and making me call around to about seven different numbers just to get a new card sent to me

:bulletblue: my student grant and loan was canceled because I hadn't sent in a form that they did NOT specify had a deadline

:bulletblue: my dentist was trying to make bitchiness an artform and thus refused to be of any help when it came to the metal wire on my bottom front teeth that was starting to come loose and was mercilessly cutting up my tongue. She told me that was my orthodontist's problem. ... I don't HAVE and cannot AFFORD a fucking orthodontist, lady.

:bulletblue: She DID, however, send me to a surgeon to get all four of my wisdom teeth yanked out at the same time, rendering me a vegetable laying on the sofa in a very big amount of pain for about two weeks being able to eat nothing but soup and

:bulletblue: ice cream. Alot of ice cream. Which means that those few pounds I had managed to lose at the gym had a homecoming party.

:bulletblue: I asked around, but could get no leads on internship positions for this spring.

:bulletblue: When it was finally time to go back to school and leave this Godawful summer behind, it turned out that the transatlantic flight I was taking instead of my usual one did not serve any food during the journey, so I was just slightly hungry when we got to Reykjavik.

:bulletblue: Of course, it was 6 o'clock in the morning in Reykjavik, so there was nowhere open where I could grab a bite. At least my flights went all right [I'm still scared to death of flying, if you'll remember] and we touched down in Copenhagen all right and right on time for me to

:bulletblue: JUST miss my train, so I got to spend an extra hour sitting around doing nothing while waiting for the next one.

:bulletblue: The next one did arrive, but for no explained reason decided not to go further than two stations, forcing a trainfull of people to run across the entire station to another train waiting.

:bulletblue: The good news is that I got a seat on this train, and was seated quite comfortably until the train ran someone over [consider this a public announcement: If you are suicidal, PLEASE do not step in front of a train! It's a killer on the passengers' commute]. After this little incident, the train could only take us one station further, where we were assured there were buses waiting to take us to our final destination.

:bulletblue: There were not. But we pestered enough bus drivers that after about 45 minutes one of them phoned his boss and agreed to take us to the places we needed to go [bless him].

:bulletblue: After that 2.5-hour-commute-turned-8-hour-fiasco I finally got here, and since then nothing horrible has happened. Except that the place where I'm trying to appeal for my student grant didn't have an e-mail address so I had to hand write a very ugly letter. And our Internet went down for four days straight. And my tablet is on its deathbed. And my character rig is being problematic. But still.


With that.

I'm done whining now.
And PLEASE, don't think I'm looking for pity, here. It'll take a helluva lot more than that to take me out of the running.
I will apologize to those who have been affected by my second-hand bad luck until my teeth bleed if necessary, and I will work to catch up on everything this summer has prevented me from doing until my eyes bleed if necessary.


Thank you guys so much for the 10k views like WHOA! How did that happen when I've been such a horrible uploader this year? ILU ALL AND YOU DESERVE BETTER AND AKLFJDFJADJFLK I DON'T EVEN KNOW

.... UUUUUUH it's 2:33am and if I had anything else to say I may or may not have forgotten it.

I hope you guys had a better summer than me, and I wish you a beautiful autumn!

[P.S. I read all the Twilight books over the summer and they were AWFUL.]
  • Listening to: Skillet - &quot;Forgiven&quot;
  • Reading: I have no more books to read. DD:
  • Watching: Maya freezing up
  • Playing: Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations
I'm Swedish. My knockers are not huge.

I'm an apologetic hypocrite, and I'm sorry for spending the past few weeks being happy instead of being stressed out. I will stop that nonsense immediately.

My dentist wants to pass on the removal of the metal plates that are cutting up the inside of my mouth to an orthodontist I do not have because my four wisdom teeth are coming up the wrong way and pushing all my other teeth out of whack.
The moral of the story is that ignorance is bliss.

Twilight is a book lover's guide to suicide.

My confidence is held together by duct tape and safety pins.
This just means that it shimmers prettily in the sun.

It's too hot for comfort.

At least I finally went through the 200+ messages that accumulated over the past few weeks while I was too overjoyed to be home to boot up my computer.

I'm in love with red umbrellas.

I almost have 10k pageviews. This makes me feel bad for not uploading anything for an eternity and more.

"Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything;

that's how the light gets in." [Leonard Cohen - "Anthem"]
  • Listening to: Gigi D'Agostino - &quot;The Riddle&quot;
  • Reading: Eclipse
  • Watching: [Adult Swim]
  • Playing: Fable II
I almost have 10k pageviews... How freaky is that? :P

I find it's easier to win back favor if you start with an apology, and then move on to the explanation.

So first off I'm really sorry for the unannounced hiatus. It wasn't my intention to just up and drop off the face of the world, and I realize it came at a bad time. I incorrectly assumed that school would calm down after that seven week project we had February through April and, to use vivid imagery, reality smashed me into the concrete so hard that I've been shitting bricks for weeks.
Bottom line: I haven't had time for dA in a while.

Now that the general message of the journal has come across I'll just move on to more intimate details.

I'm flying home tomorrow [apparently I'm not allowed to stand in the citizen line anymore, even though I'm a legal resident. Phooey.] so I've kinda sorta had my hands full with packing and getting stuff in order all day. But once I'm home I'll get cracking on going through the 100+ messages and unread notes I've missed in the last month! >:

Aaaaand this is about where I start feeling seriously bad about being a dA whore instead of being productive, and so I'll politely excuse myself.

I really need to finish packing all this shit. . ____.
I am bringing way too muuuuuuchfjalkfjlksdj
I haven't been feeling to high these last few weeks, but hopefully I can update my journal in a day or two and be in a more optimistic state of mind. :)

Also, apparently I'm trying this new thing where I announce what I'm about to write before I write it.

LOVE. :heart:

[Also, still very much terrified of flying. :cry:]
  • Listening to: Ima Robot - &quot;Creeps Me Out&quot;
  • Reading: The Blood of Lambs
  • Watching: Sailor Moon. COUNT IT.
  • Playing: Mass Effect
  • Drinking: Coke
[Commissions are OPEN. For info, please go here.]

To those who helped me with my predicament or commented on my last journal: Thank you, thank you, and I love you all youknowwhoyouare. :heart:

I still haven't made the decision, but as it looks now I'll have to turn the offer down. There's just too much I don't know, and it feels like there are more cons than pros about it.
But I'll consult my Pap about this Friday when I go up to Stockholm, so hopefully that will help give me some perspective. :)

Also my birthday is this Friday whut.
I'm turning only 20.
Yes. It is now required to put "only" in front of 20. It is a new rule.
... I'm not old. :(

  • Listening to: G Tom Mac - &quot;Half&quot;
  • Reading: Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
  • Playing: TWEWY [again]
  • Drinking: Cappuccino
First off, sorry for sending this journal twice.
The fact that I managed to send it off without actually WRITING anything in it is a pretty sure sign that I shouldn't actually be writing journals drunk. [Though I have to give myself credit for actually catching my own spelling errors at this point]


My class has been working on a game prototype for a competition called the "Game Concept Challenge" for the last seven weeks [which is why I haven't been active at all... I've been at school 12-14 hours every day. Including weekends and holidays], and today it was FINALLY over.

The weird thing, though, is that we FUCKING WON.

Which means that we will now have the opportunity to MAKE this game FOR REAL this fall...!


So yea. I'm depressed.

Which doesn't make sense unless you know that making this game would get in the way of my studies next year, plus I was hoping to do my internship back in the States... I'm afraid that if I stay here to work on this project it'll get in the way of my US residency [I haven't had my greencard for five years, so I can't apply for citizenship].

I'm REALLY happy we won; but at the same this this has kind of put me in the worst possible situation... What am I supposed to do?
  • Listening to: People congratulating us
  • Reading: Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
  • Playing: Lego Batman for the DS
  • Drinking: Beer
This is The Deal:

I have a head full of stories,
A heart full of apologies,
And a mouth full of lies.

I have two eyes full of regret,
Two feet chafed by mistakes,
And two lungs breathing contempt.

I have a stomach full of hate,
A spine full of dread,
And a throat full of "no"s.

I have one hand on my pen,
One hand on my keyboard,
And all my concentration on endurance.

This is The Deal:

I have a will to break,
A wish to forget,
And a dream to live.

This is The deal:

I'm sorry that I haven't gotten back to you.
I work so slow, but I promise that I work on it every day.
I feel like the scum of the Earth, and I am losing sleep over it.
I hope this can somehow bring you some satisfaction,
Since I'm keeping you waiting like this.

You are amazing. I should tell you that more often.
I have too little time for dA, and too little time for my inbox.

This is The Deal:

The stories in my head are written in invisible ink,
My heart has no voice to apologize with,
And there is an empty void in my mouth where my lies used to be.

Forgive me.
  • Listening to: You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring
  • Playing: Phoenix Wright: Justice for All
[Commissions are OPEN. For info, please go here.]





Okay, God... That is officially the MOST anti-climatic killing off a secondary character I have EVER seen! :rofl:
I realize she may not actually be dead yet [oh what a TWIST!], but I kinda almost hope she is, just because it would be SO FUCKING lame! xDD

I don't even dislike Hinata; I think she's cute. But... Oh God.
"Your smile helped me move not to /wrist! I love you! *Crushed by rocks*"


And that's not even the most fucked up part of the chapter! xDD
Seriously, page 6... I can NOT be the only one who thought that first panel looked like Pain just shoved something up Naruto's ass! And the the comment in the third panel...

Ah... Shit.
Just wanted to make that public.

... This journal is already incredibly stupid and pointless. May as well keep it up.
Let's do the stupid Urban Dictionary Meme that was going around a while back.


Go to and type in your answers to the following questions.
Post the first definition it gives you.

Tag 3 people

1) Your name?


The name "Sarah" is translated from the Hebrew language. It means "Princess"...and rightly so!

[I actually already knew it meant Princess. I have a bad habit of frequenting, lmao! I think I may suffer from "Rebellious Princess Syndrome" in that case though, har har. P:]

2) Your age?


To "be 19", or to have "gone 19" essentially means that something has gone wrong, is just plain weird, or is inexplicable. Derived from Stephen King's 'Dark Tower' series. Its true meaning, if anything more than a motif, has yet to be revealed.

["Something has gone wrong, is just plain weird, or is inexplicable". I think I've been 19 my whole life so far. xDD]

3) One of your friends?


a pimp or playa or mackin on sumone to put your moves on her

[I can honestly say that I can't interpret that sentence. But I'm sure my friend will be happy to hear she's Gangsta'!]

4) What should you be doing?


Laundry can and is often used as a code name for sex, for discussion around people in public, or for people who are uncomfortable with the term "having sex" or "intercourse."

[Well, yes. That is another thing I should be doing.]

5) Favorite color?


Extremely potent marijuana, specifically marijuana buds that have a purple hue to them. Also accompanied by a fragant, usually fruity smell and mad perma-grin.

[Is it just me, or are most all colours actually associated with weed lately? x:]

6) Birthplace?


default city

[D-"default city"...? Suddenly I feel so... Insignificant.]

7) Month of your birth?


a female of wise words. Often regarded as a "panda" person. These types of females are very energetic and friendly, and when you see these types of girls down, you feel down too.

[Also, National Marijuana Day is celebrated on the 20th of this month.]

8) Last person you talked to?


hot and sexy girl. they look really hot. You'd want to be with them forever and ever!!!!!!

[I have this feeling that mainly males write the description for girl names on this site. Don't ask me how I know. I'm psychic.]

9) One of your nicknames?


Hawaiian word for ocean, sea

[Actually, it stems from my DBZ days and the Supreme Kai. You know, that purple character with a white Mohawk. ... Really, I honestly don't have any normal stories when it comes to my nicknames.]

10) Last ex?


Half a penis

[Which fucking half?!]

I tag:

Everyone else who was born in a "default city."

I'm glad I got all that off my chest.
I'm going back to work now. You should do the same.

  • Listening to: &quot;Never Wanted To Dance&quot; - MSI
  • Reading: Ah, I read all my books already...
  • Playing: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
  • Eating: CARBS
  • Drinking: SUGAR