Talvace

Today I realized that I'm no longer safe in the state that I live in. I cannot legally change my name, my gender marker on my ID, or get testosterone despite having had it for 9 years prior to living here. There are simply no accessible doctors for me to go to who would prescribe it. It feels like everything I've worked toward for the last 16 years of my life has been eradicated. Every ounce of love and acceptance I once had for myself feels tainted and wrong. Moving would be a solution, but the job market is operating in a way where even with 8 years of good quality experience in my field, I cannot get an entry level position right now. No job in the new location means no income and that won't get me very far. I moved here because it was this or be homeless and lose my dogs. Losing my dogs was not an option, but it cost me so much more than a job and my possessions to move here.

I feel like a mountain is slowly leaning on me, crushing my chest, trapping me in place while I'm forced to watch it blot out the fucking sky and entomb me in darkness. I used to love my country. I used to be proud that I was American. Now I am terrified that this country will leave me for dead instead of accepting me as I am. And knowing my family voted for this? Knowing they were aware of the dorito's stances on these things and still wanted him in office? Knowing they chose the current state of the country over their brother/son/cousin/nephew's ability to live a free life? I don't blame them, everyone does what they feel they need to do to better their own lives, but it is very isolating to know that I am my own team. Just me. I only really had two friends where I live right now, and one dipped out when he got a new boyfriend. Just rubbed it in my face and dipped. The other has a lot of their own stuff going on that can't be helped.

So it's just me.

Me and this mountain that is crushing me and my arms are so tired from trying to hold it back.