Birth of an Immortal - Part3

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Literature Text

The five mages walked slowly on a hidden path in the forest. The sun was still high up in the sky, they had a lot of time till night. They were heading to a road leading to the capital of Fjall, tho their actual target had yet to depart on his journey leading to the city. The plan was rather simple. Fjall had a new king, because the old king died in a hunting accident. His son, King Vaaki, is just 19 years old, with no experience in leading a country, was the ideal target for them. All they had to do is a bit of trickery, and a lot of persuasion, and the pride of royalty would surely succumb to the immense power of their magic abilities. Once that is done, all that is needed is a little push, and they’ve got a power hungry king who is both daring to and willing to conquer all of Midgard. This in the end would perfectly execute their revenge on King Fridr.

They went through the exact steps of their actions. First, they had to ambush the carriage of King Vaaki and show him the overwhelming power of magic. He’ll be terrified, magic is most probably something he has never witnessed in his whole life. Once all the guards are suppressed the young king is presented with the option of becoming the greatest conqueror of all times with the aid of five magicians. He won’t take this at first, of course he won’t, so something even more tempting will be shown to the young king: Immortality. Technically there is no such thing as immortality, but with the help of Karal’s healing magic it will be quite like being actually immortal. Hopefully this will be the turning point, where the king’s pride and greed kicks in, and he accepts the magician. If everything goes fine the new ruler of Midgard will soon be born. King Vaaki, the Immortal King.

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Description:  This is the third and final part of our three part short story mini-series: Birth of an Immortal. If you like what you read here, you can read the full episode at You could also read the beginning or the second part of this mini-series out as well. Have fun reading!

Date: 26-May-2017






This short story is our original work, if you'd like to use it in any form please contact us!
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Castilight's avatar
Not bad. I did feel a little disoriented while reading this but, I did see you did try to implement some cool aspects. I would've loved to learn more about this world you were describing. I feel like that would've made this more real in the time you had. Speaking of time, I'm not sure this is intentional or not but, these were too short. I do understand that this is a short story but, it didn't feel like you took your time. It gives the reader to learn about the world you're presenting. It may be all clear in your head but, you need to bring more of that head image onto paper.
Also, another thing I would recommend is reading your works out loud before you publish them. There were a few points where the writing felt a little awkward. Reading the piece out loud usually helps catch those awkward moments but, all of this takes time to learn. I've been at writing for about a year now and it's still incredibly difficult for me to hit the nail on the head.
I just want to be clear that none of this is about 'competition' or 'hate' or anything like that. I'm simply giving the types of critiques I'd want on my own works. I'm sorry if you saw this a rude or unnecessary. I only want to help fellow DA writers improve! Good luck out here! 🍀