I'm going to write a journal! Why? Because I'm procrastinating from writing an essay! "But Cael! if you're procrastinating from writing by writing, shouldn't you just do your essay?" SHUT UP VOICE IN MY HEAD IT MAKES SENSE SOMEHOW.
Back to sanity, I am now in my third year of college which is actually quite terrifying. Fantastic that I'm 21, can buy my own booze, and really for one of the first times in my life I feel confident in my friends and in most of what I'm doing. This on the other hand is showing me that while I was worrying about more trivial things (that I'll probably dedicate a later entry to if anyone really cares) that several of the bigger problems in life were slowing inflating. Not sure why I'm posting this online for the world to read, but at this point I figure that the best way to get advice is to ask for it, so here we go.
One thing is that like I said, I am going to graduate in three semesters and I don't know where I'm going. I know that there are things that I want to do, but I don't know if I can go ahead and do them. I don't have the experience, work history, or even the right classes yet. Moral here is that I need to get my act together. Fortunately, this seems to be one of the easier problems to deal with. My degree is directly based toward what I want to do, so as long as I can pull myself together and really learn something this semester, I have a shot. I've also started meeting with career services on campus, and they're helping me to put my resume together and get started with looking for a job. I've got everything started, I just need to keep following through on it.
This leads me to my second big problem. I'm a lazy bastard. I set goals for myself that I promptly ignore. I joined the nordic skiing team, and havent been to a practice in over a week. I'm jobless, and I still havent filled out most of the applications Ive picked up. I want to stay physically fit but I rarely get off my ass and work out. I need to find some kind of motivation, but I have no idea where to look. This is really my biggest roadblock in productivity, I WANT to get these things done. I just can't get started.
This one is unrelated to the first two, but this problem has me even more stumped than my productivity. I don't know where I fall sexually. Now you'll look at my favorite gallery and see a multitude of half (or more) naked men and more yaoi than you'll know what to do with, so the obvious conclusion is that I'm gay. And really, I feel like I'm gay. But then we run into the issue. I honestly and truly find women just as attractive, but on a different level. Let's start from the beginning. I find men hot and sexy as hell. Men to me are sexier than women, they're bodies are just far more appealing. I want to date right now, and I find myself looking more for men than for women. But then I look to my future. I see myself fooling around with dudes for a while and even getting seriously committed with some. But ultimately in my future, I see myself with a wife I deeply love and children that we made together. This isn't society pressuring me, this isn't my parent wanting grandchildren, I just see myself eventually falling in love with a woman. While men are physically more attractive to me, women are emotionally more attractive, I can see myself really being in a strong and healthy relationship with a woman easier than I can with a man. But why is this? If I'm truly bi, shouldn't I see a future with both genders? Am I just fooling myself? Could it be that since every relationship I've had with a man ended badly (and with a huge headache on both sides) that I just don't want to try again? I'm honestly at a loss. Plus since the first relationship I had on campus was with a guy, every woman I'd want to go out with is either already taken, or devoted to finding me another boyfriend. I think part of my fascination with mind control is that I wouldn't have to make this choice myself, that someone would end up making it for me. Sadly since true MC is restricted to stories and role playing, I won't be able to take this easy way out. This keeps me up at night more than anything else, and I don't know how to find the answer without breaking someone's heart, whether it be mine or theirs.
I've always sucked at writing conclusions, so I guess I'll just awkwardly end it here. What do you guys think? Any and all advice is welcome, especially for that third issue, so with that, I'll see everyone next time I decide to write a journal. Peace guys.