I'M SO FECKIN HURT
No but seriously, I don't care.
DISCLAIMER: The tone of this journal entry, I will admit, is rather vicious at times and downright bitchy in others, but again, I am not spiteful toward any of the people I will mention, nor do I hate them. This is a fucking journal and a journal is for writing down feelings and personal thoughts, which includes sorting out events that don't make sense at first. I do not intend for the person I'm writing this about to ever read it, though if they do there is nothing I can do about it. If you do read it, person I'm writing this about, well... you've brought this upon yourself by your manipulative, disrespectful actions.
Proceed with caution, my friends.
So, just a couple days ago, one of my "friends" (for the sake of anonymity, we'll refer to her as "Becky") decides to--completely out of the fucken blue--break off our friendship. On top of it being out of nowhere, it was really disrespectful. Not disrespectful in the sense that she was nasty about it in tone
, but disrespectful in the sense that she dropped all these unfounded accusations against me without even trying to back them up, even when I confronted her about it. Becky is being a complete yellow-belly about the whole thing, and honestly, it makes me feel like I'm dodging a bullet here by losing her so-called "friendship". One of the things she said is that we only became friends through shared trauma, and you know, that makes me feel really gross because it's as if everything after the crisis passed was nothing but a sham. I feel used and stabbed in the back. I expected better from someone like her and I definitely didn't expect that any friend that I made at my parish would do that to me.
Becky claimed that I was rude to her friends recently and I honestly have no idea what she's talking about. I mean yeah, I may have broken off a toxic friendship with one of our shared friends, but
unlike Becky, who has been a total coward about the current situation, I tried to be as nice and conciliatory as possible. If needed, I can procure the messages I sent the girl with whom I broke things off to prove my innocence. Even before I ended things, I hadn't even spoken to this girl (we'll call her "Diane") for months.
I slowly deleted Diane from all my social media accounts and that was it. Furthermore, Becky's accusation here holds no water considering in the "recent past", I have moved to a different state for school and, as a result, have not seen any of my Michigan friends in a month and a half. I don't have much time to talk to a lot of them, either, except for my best friend and a couple of others, and even then we can't talk all the time because we're all dealing with dat college griiiiind. Your move, Becky.
Now, of course, being the kind of bluntly honest person I am, who stands for integrity and clarity in intent, confronted Becky with a Mom-and-Dad-approved letter, which I sent to her via this website because I felt it was too long for a Facebook message (over 2 pages long in Word, haha). I related to her how I felt about this whole charade and held her accountable for the bullshit claims she was laying against me, and I can produce this letter upon request. Now Becky and I have had a history of us having these little feuds, including one in early 2017 that resulted in a five-month hiatus where we spoke not one word to each other. The inciting incident showed that both of us were kind of being idiots, but on my side, and I say this objectively as possible, I had a good point. She was
complaining too much, she was
being really annoying about it, and when all was said and done, she refused
to apologize to me for her side despite me taking the initiative and apologizing first. Other times have come up when I would call Becky out for her behavior, which, according to my numerous counsels, was objectively immature, manipulative, and even hypocritical. However, in all of these--and trust me, I've gone back to our DeviantArt notes, text messages, etc. and checked
this shit--she never apologized, never really took responsibility, and even though she said
she'd get better about not doing this, it was all lip service. Of course, it was lip service, because it happened again and again. I wrote and sent her the letter to try, once again, to hold her accountable for these things, because even though her side of the friendship was apparently a lie, mine wasn't. I actually gave a shit and was trying to be a good friend and hold her accountable for stuff she objectively did wrong. That is what real friends do.
It happened that she could call me out for being "insensitive" or "too blunt" (and actually, a lot of my friends actually appreciate
my bluntness, sooooo), and granted, sometimes I probably can
be too blunt, but if I ever tried to call her out for either contributing to or provoking the situation, o heck, d00d. O friccin
heck, how darest thou think that I'm anything but a super-sensitive, sweet little flower that must be protected at all cost and my feelings are SACRED, I TELL YOU.
Becky, sweetheart, the world does not work that way. The sad part of this example is that my other friends would always take her side, because I'm
the insensitive one, blah blah blah, and it was me
who had to apologize for being a monster
because I was the one who was completely in the wrong. This is probably going to happen again because they've known Becky longer, they "know her better", and now one of them (Diane) isn't my friend anymore by my own volition, so I'm here in my own corner again hoping that they don't betray me too. How do I know that Diane didn't twist what I said to her in breaking off our friendship and make me look like a villain to Becky? How do I know that Diane didn't become a conniving little weasel because I rejected her?--and not even permanently! I said in my texts to Diane that "I'm open to reinstating the friendship if major changes are made". I put that in quotation marks because that is word-for-word what I said to Diane. How do I know that Diane isn't spiteful of me now and is trying to ruin my good name? I'm not saying she did any of this, and furthermore, I am not spiteful of Diane, although I'd have every right to be if my suspicions come out as being correct. But I digress.
So I sent this parent-approved letter to Becky late in the evening of October 10, 2018, hoping for a mature response in which Becky clarifies and backs up her unfounded claims. At 12:51am on October 11, 2018, I was greeted with this message on Facebook:
Not sure why you decided to message me on DA... Anyway, I didn't discuss this stuff with you, because I didn't want to, because I don't want to be friends with you. I wish you the best. May God grant you every happiness and peace. Sincerely [Becky]
Ho ho ho, there she goes, dodging my questions again, not taking responsibility, and feigning niceness. This response, I kid you not, had me literally shaking
with anger. It seemed as though she did not even read the carefully-crafted letter, and indeed it was carefully crafted because it went through a lot of rewrites due to the sheer amount of warranted anger that she has caused me over the whole matter. I have left her with this scathing message so that, hopefully, she will read the letter and let it sink in:
Wow. Did you even read it? I sent it on deviantArt because I thought it was too long for a Messenger text. I just can't believe you're not even considering taking my feelings into account, especially when you make such claims like I was "rude" to your friends. You CAN'T make those kinds of claims and not back them up. Honestly, you've treated me rather badly, not taking any blame for things you've done, EVER. That's super cowardly of you and I hope you know that how you've treated me will likely translate into your other relationships if left unchecked. You're being really irresponsible about this whole thing. I expected better from you. I'm so angry and tired of this charade you continue to put me through. You obviously have some growing up to do. You can say "God bless you" all you want but I don't believe anymore that you ever really cared about me beyond that situation with Jon*. I'm doing this because I know that I care.
(Some emphasis was added for clarity because I don't understand how, in the many years that text messages and the like have existed, they can't implement a fucking italics
option, GAWD) *An ex-boyfriend we both dated at separate times. This is the shared trauma that made us friends in the first place and I have written about him a few times on this website.
It took me several minutes to write this message, because again, I was so incredibly angry that I was practically convulsing (and again, I am not
exaggerating) so it was difficult for me to type and it took every good fiber in my entire being to hold back the string of insults I wanted to lay on Becky. I didn't do it because it would prove her point, and I wanted to show her that I was above such things. In truth, I am above those things when I'm not angry. I'm trying very hard to not be like this and what I did (or rather did not
do) was an exercise in reining in my temper.
All this said, I'm just saying "Fuck it, I don't care" and moving on with my life. I'm in college now and I don't have time to deal with all of Becky's petty drama. I feel like this is a good thing considering how manipulative, immature and unapologetic Becky is, and so I'm going to end this word vomit by saying this:
"Becky", you have hurt me for the last time. I will never back down from what I've said, though I may apologize for how I have said it. I am so disappointed in you. I expected better. I trusted you. But you have let me down too many times, and that is unacceptable.
Have a nice life. God bless.