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  • Listening to: Bravely Default OST
  • Reading: Twitter posts
  • Playing: My Little Pony: The Phone Game
  • Eating: Pork Chops 'n rice
Wow... it certainly has been a while since I've posted a journal around here.

If you want to follow my daily doings lately, you can now find me at twitter! @tomboytsarevena is not just my Tumblr name, but my Twitter name as well. If you catch the reference, then you are amazing and you get a free cookie.

In other news, I HAVE A SMARTPHONE NOW! I feel like I've been sped into the 21st century! I've had it less than a week, but I all ready love pretty much everything about it. The fact that it can play games is pretty damn sweet. It's like having a new handheld, but with more shitty games and the ability to receive calls.

I've been going to the gym every week day while the girls are at school. I hope to have a wonderful figure to cosplay with in about a year. Meanwhile, this year for Halloween, I'll be doing my version of Equestria Girls' Fluttershy! I'm super psyched to see the new Equestria Girls movie next month. *psst, I want to wear my cosplay to the movie also!*

IF any of you guys play the My Little Pony smartphone game (I heard it's also on Kindle and a few other devices) then by Golly hit me up! I need more friends~ I have it connected to both my Google+ and my *new* Facebook account.

Breaking Bad x JRPG crossover dream??

Journal Entry: Sat Feb 8, 2014, 5:08 AM
  • Listening to: Baby Gurgles
  • Reading: well more like editing "Dark Skies" chapters
  • Watching: whatever the hell you call this dream
  • Playing: Final Fantasy Legend 2 (GB)
  • Eating: Blue Bell Great Divide Ice cream
So I just woke up from the weirdest dream I've had in a long time. It was a video game crossover of Breaking Bad, where all the characters were played by different video game characters.

The smarmy "criminal" lawyer was played by Miles Edgeworth of the Ace Attorney series. Walter White was played by a super smart Cid from FF5, and Walter Jr. was played by Mid (who in the game is his grandson, but whatever). His wife Skyler was played by incurably annoying Lemina Ausa from Lunar 2. Her sister Marie was played by Mia Ausa (her ancestor in canon) from Lunar 1, and she was married to Nash as she is in the game. Which means Nash is Hank. I also now accept the headcanon that Mia is a kleptomaniac. Gus Frings was played by a very well dressed modern Emperor Mateus (which explains a lot as to why Gus is my favorite character, their personalities are TOO SIMILAR) complete with glasses and bitchin' suits with ties and the whole ambiguously gay thing. Hector Salamanca was actually played by my favorite Hector of Fire Emblem, now old and in a wheelchair - and all of the relatives were characters of the Fire Emblem franchise. Jessie Pinkman? Yeah, for some reason Jessie was played by Edward Geraldine, aka Edge of FFIV fame.

The only question I have about this whole thing is why didn't my brain do this when I was heavy into Game of Thrones?! I still like GoT better!

...there were a lot of characters who were in the dream that I don't remember what role they were playing as far as Breaking Bad goes. There were cameos for the car wash as customers (like Setzer getting his airship washed). I don't remember who played Mike, another one of my favorites from the show. Yeah... I... don't know where this came from because I've not watched Breaking Bad in about a week, and I didn't have dreams like this when I was watching it all in one go. O_______o;;

Still, I do love me some Gus  Frings, though. He's undoubtedly my favorite character and the replacement villains were (spoilers) NOT AS GOOD AS HE WAS. :/ 

Hey, dA...

Journal Entry: Thu Jan 9, 2014, 7:56 PM
  • Listening to: Tell Your World - Hatsune Miku
I know it's been so long since I've updated my journal, but there's just been so much going on in my life lately that I've not really been able to document everything. Not only that, but I get the distinct feeling that I'm being watched by people I don't want knowing everything about my personal life. Yeah. It's like that.

But~ One thing I'm sure you've noticed is that I've started trying to learn cake decorating. Bear with me, I've not even been doing it a month yet! ^^; But I aspire to one day make a cake for me and my best friend with chibis of Emperor Mateus and Firion to celebrate our mutual love for FFII when we get together again! That's sort of my... lofty dream, I guess. I wanna get that good at it. To make it special! Also because it's cheaper to make my own cakes than it is to buy them made at a bakery. And if you weren't aware, I'm a fatass because I fucking LOVE CAKE and I have a hard time resisting it. My family likes it, so yay. I'm a good baker, but I've never been a good decorator.

Next item up for bid... I spend way more time elsewhere lately. I don't think I'll even miss the subscription features when it runs out next month on my birthday. 

I've completed my longest work ever, "Dark Skies over Palamecia". Don't read it, it's fucking terrible. Unless you are who Candice, Clarisse, or Krystal are based on - then your OBLIGATED to read it to the end! ...Well, no, it's great until about so many chapters in and then it gets INCREDIBLY STUPID. The ending was rushed simply because I couldn't work on it anymore due to emotional issues I don't want to go into. As far as my current work goes, I'm not set on any story right now. I've been working on scenes here and there as they come to me, but nothing big and all together. I'll post a few public sample scenes, but I may not post all of my original writing online in a place where anyone can read it anymore.

I'm still absolutely, hopelessly in total love with Emperor Mateus. I draw him everyday almost but I don't feel like posting my drawings here anymore. I don't feel, uhh... safe enough right now. I have them in a private gallery where super close family and friends can see it, and right now, that's enough with me. If you want to see my current work, PM me and I'll discuss it with you if I feel safe enough with you.

I don't want to go into everything, I feel like it would just be made worse overall.  It hurts, because I used to be able to do whatever I wanted on my dA page without fear. I've decided that is for the best, though.

I'll still post beadwork here, though it's not like it gets many hits anymore. I think the fad has passed. I haven't had commissions in months, and quite frankly, I'm not taking them from here anymore. I've been burned too much lately. If you do want to commission me, and you're serious about it, talk to my husband through his youtube channel or his Facebook. 

I feel like I just want to be left alone more than anything else here lately.

...and I want my plushie of Emperor Mateus to arrive all ready. But there's nothing I can do about that right now.

Summoning plushie makers?

Journal Entry: Wed Aug 28, 2013, 11:22 PM
  • Playing: Final Fantasy II 20th Anniversary Edition
  • Eating: leftover spaghetti
Hey local plushie makers!

I'm in the mood to have an art trade, because I'm too broke to summon up the money to commission what I'd like to have made. Typically I'm a loyalist, which means I like to work with people I've worked with before, but I'm more than willing to work someone new, too. I think the people I usually ask with this kind of thing are busy lately, which is why I'm putting a notice up here instead. :3

So what do I want?

Simply put, a plush of Minwu in the style of Theatrythym Final Fantasy!

...and, if possible, a matching Firion in the same style as that game, to give to my BFF for her birthday because of reasons.

Y'see, we're Firion and Minwu in EVERYTHING. From Minecraft to Theatrythym Final Fantasy, this is just what we do. We're a team, and we're Firion and Minwu. In our fanfic for FFII, those two are our characters' love interests, and... and I'm working on getting us matching T-shirts made but the one thing we really want is plushies. Hopefully in a huggable size.

So. If you're willing to do an art trade with me, please note me or comment or something... BUT here's the deal! It's gotta be done before the end of the year. Before November, hopefully. It gives us lots of time to negotiate and plan! Yay!

((Yes waifu I know you have access to my journal and I know this kinda screws up my birfday present but whatever I don't care at least if I need someone to pay for shipping you can do that, ROFLMAO))

So. I had a fantastic week.

Journal Entry: Thu Jul 18, 2013, 4:56 AM
  • Watching: Labyrinth
  • Playing: Final Fantasy IV: The Complete Collection
  • Eating: chocolate chunk cookies
My friend Jason, who came for my birthday back in February, decided he was going to spoil the hell out of me again... in the presence of his wife and daughter, no less. The visit lasted about a week, which is one reason why I haven't posted much. Anyway - so! This little mod that I've got here allows me to play PSP ISOs, and holy shit, I've had so much fun with it. I haven't even touched my tiny UMD collection since... partially because I got ISOs of the games I own like Dissidia Duodecim and Star Ocean Second Evolution as well as games I didn't have. All the games I bought on the PSN work, too, so I don't lose what I've bought. It's fucking AWESOME. I have a 32GB Massive memory card and I still have 12GB open on it. I have no idea what I'm going to do with all that space. I have just... SO MANY GAMES. I have room to put all of the Final Fantasy series from FFs I-IX, which, by the way, I now have the great PSX Trinity as my brother calls them.

You want a list of the games I put on here? Sure!

My PSN Downloads: 
*these were paid for and bought through my MediaGO account*

-Wild Arms
-Chrono Cross
-Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
-Final Fantasy VII
-Final Fantasy IX

*these were not paid for, but I own the UMD for a lot of them*

-Hatsune Miku Project Diva 2nd (Japanese only rhythm game)
-Star Ocean First Departure
-Star Ocean Second Evolution
-Final Fantasy Anniversary Edition
-Final Fantasy II Anniversary Edition
-Final Fantasy IV: The Complete Collection
-BlazBlue Continuum Shift II
-Tales of VS (Japanese fighting game with lots of RPG elements, like Duodecim, but starring Tales characters)
-Dissidia Duodecim
-Tales of Eternia (German region, but English text. the Germans were too lazy to translate it... but they GOT it? what?)
-Itadaki Street Portable (Japanese board game with Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy heroes as the pieces)
-Final Fantasy VIII (ISO of a PSN download, so it functions the same, but my husband refuses to pay for that game 'cause he hates it and I wanted to get it again. me? I wanted to buy it!)

I haven't touched anything else. I've been in RPG/Puzzle/Rhythm/Fighting game heaven.

Oh, and Jason also brought another surprise for me. Did you know that the movie Labyrinth got a video game? Well I didn't know that either, because apparently, it was Japanese only. So you know what Jason did? He found out I'm a fanatic for it and made a cart that can play on an American NES... just for me. I had such a squeegasm I don't even... just... FUCK. IT'S LABYRINTH THE VIDEO GAME AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.

OH. And then he said "you know what I didn't do? I didn't buy you a gift for your birthday." 
I was like "what? you fucking made me an NES and gave me Final Fantasy II to go with it." 
Then he said "no. but I didn't buy you a gift." 
I said "dude you MADE me shit, stop it, your wife's gonna get jealous." 
He said "she isn't gonna get jealous. I spoil her on a daily basis."
So he just handed me a bookman's bag and said "here ya go!"

Inside it was a copy of Growlanzer Generations (parts II and III) and the Japanese exclusive for Growlanzer IV. I done LOST MY SHIT. I couldn't do anything but squee. Because, not sure if you guys know about this, but Growlanzer is like Star Ocean with me and Eric. We play it together. It's one of the series that he got me into. While we were in Germany, we actually went and sat through both of them in two days, just getting all the endings in one go. And while my PS2 is not modded and I can't play the G4, I just hugged it because I didn't even KNOW there was a fourth Growlanzer, and I SOOOO WANT TO PLAY IT. I know there's a new PSP game for the series, and I want to get the actual boxed copy for that and not just get an ISO. So I can go "bitch, look at my Growlanzer, it's fucking great".

And then Eric and I had one of our best nights ever this week. I introduced him to Vocaloid. We sat and watched a Vocaloid concert on youtube and I showed him the games I got because of the hack. Watching Rocky IV while playing Itadaki meant for some very hilarious conversation. It all started with "who you playin' with" and I answered "Alena" he said "who's Alena again?" and I just gave him this look like "and you call yourself a Dragon Quest fanboy. Princess Alena, the Tomboy Tsarevena herself" (yes, the name of my tumblr? that's where I got it from. Alena's title in DQIX. she's my tumblr's mascot, hahahaha)

Best week ever? Pretty damn close. Everything pretty much worked out. Anna made a new friend, and :heart: things are feeling really great right now! Tee hee~

So... um yeah.


Plans change. Plans change!

Journal Entry: Fri May 3, 2013, 8:06 PM
So, plans have changed drastically. I have a little more time to work with, luckily.

I will be taking commissions until November, unless family emergency decides to rear it's ugly head. You never know.

Commissions are OPEN! 
Point commissions are CLOSED.
Art Trades are with OPEN!

Send me a note if you're interested.

  • Listening to: Babies snoring
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword

...there is just... so much happening.

Journal Entry: Wed May 1, 2013, 12:54 AM
So, I regret to have to inform you all that within a week, all commissions will be closed. If you want a last minute commission from me, you need to speak up right the fuck now. I'm not joking here! After that, I don't know when commissions will be open again. Life is tossing some curve balls at me. I know it's just a test to see how I handle it though. I've come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. I don't claim a Deity of my own (except for maybe Cosmos / Celestia / Nayru / Naga / Elimine - the Goddesses of the Game/Cartoon series I care about) but I do believe in karma.

I've held back so many tears. I cry over events in a game, sure, but things that happen in my life? No, not anymore. I used up more sadfaces as a teenager than anyone should have to use in a lifetime. And now that I have the moment, when I'm alone with my thoughts and I just want this... feeling of anguish to come the fuck out, it's stuck. I'm replaying FE7 again, and I shed a single tear over Lord Elbert's death this morning. A single tear. I said "I cried again." Truthfully, it makes me sad. It's a very sad part of the game. But I don't know how to express it.

I'm sad, but I don't appear sad. I appear stony-faced.

This is why I've told everyone "when I'm talking to you, I could very well be lying. In fact, it's almost certain that I am lying to you." My facial expressions can be very, very misleading. My words could be carefully chosen to make you think one thing while I'm plotting another thing. I'm like Jade Curtiss in that matter. I can smile even when I'm torn to pieces. But when I'm writing? That is the only time you will see what I feel honestly and openly. My characters will always project suppressed pieces of myself and I can explain them all in great detail. Here's an example.


You know how I get into character for Prince Ivan of "Dreamweavers"? Check it. Guess how bitter I was after my parents divorced and my mom vanished on me? All I wanted for years was answers as to why it happened, how it happened. What I could have done to stop it, if anything. I blamed myself first and foremost. I know now all this time later that it was not my fault and there was nothing I could do. But for years... for years of my life, it was all I could think about. It made me into an outwardly angry, very intolerable person. I couldn't find peace within myself without accepting what happened. This is one reason I like writing Ivan so much. I've never done anything with those pent up feelings. Writing his character is very theraputic for me because of that. I think because of the real feelings I've had, Ivan is one of the more realistic characters in the story.

What about the aloof Firion? He's that part of me that, after I was done being angry at the world, decided that nothing was really worth investing into on an emotional level. After I gave up my anger, I had a bit of time where nothing mattered. I wasted my time and did everything I could trying to make sure no one else fought and trying to keep the peace with everyone else. Path of least resistance, you could say. And that's exactly how I write Firion. He feels like because he's there, he has to go along with whatever is happening, and if it all falls through, he would probably just shrug it off dismissively and go back to the gardens where he can forget what's going on.

And then there's my favorite, Hector. What part of me is Hector based on? That part of me that always wanted "out". The rebellious side that wanted to throw in the towel almost every day of my life. I wanted to quit every job I had the moment I started it. I wanted out of my dad's house, I wanted to be my own person, I wanted to live outside the shadow of everyone else that came into my life because I felt like I was nothing. I tried to kill myself a few times. I hated my life. Eventually instead of doing that, I just went and sank into fantasy. I wrote, I played RPGs, I needed some sort of escape from it all. I lashed out at everyone and anyone that wanted to even talk to me. Everyone was beneath me because they treated me like I was beneath them! My emotions ran all over the place, and I had no sense of any rules or ways things were supposed to be done. It wasn't until I learned exactly what love is that I figured out exactly what I needed to do with myself. Until I had the love I needed to feel whole, I lived like Timon says "When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world."

A lot of it is the fact that I have a condition which makes emotional expression a chore. A lot of it is the fact that I have seen and lived through some fucked up shit in my lifetime.

  • Listening to: Babies snoring
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
I have a cellphone now. It's mine. It's a basic one, doesn't do games or anything, but it's nice to have.

I'm not giving the number out in public, but if you're a really close friend and you wanna shoot me a text sometime, that's cool. :D PM me about it.

Long as you don't want to harass me. I'm not down with that. Duuuh.








Oh also Earthbound is getting a rerelease on the WiiU or something.




Idea: Adoptables?

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 8, 2013, 5:18 PM
  • Listening to: Hearts - Star Ocean EX
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
  • Eating: ham sammich
I have a lot of friends who do the whole "adoptable" thing here on dA. They design original characters and sell or auction them off. I was thinking about doing something like that but I have no clue as to how to go about advertising it or who would buy that kind of thing. I always thought it was more fun to design characters myself for RP and other forms of writing, so it feels a little strange to me... but I know people who make a decent amount of money from it.


I'm not sure what to do anymore.

guys. guys seriously.

Journal Entry: Sun Apr 7, 2013, 8:25 AM
  • Listening to: birds tweeting
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
  • Eating: Snack Artist yogurt covered pretzels.
We still have 70 Truco decks in our box. Some of you said you'd buy one. ONE of you did.

*crosses her arms*

What's with that, fanbase? I all ready feel like a tota fucking failure. :< Way to hammer that in.


Commissions are also open.


Come on guys, no one has commissioned me for over a month. I'm having to borrow from places to make ends meet right now. You guys know I need it to support my girls and my own hobby. You wonder why there's not much bead posting going on? I'll TELL YA.

Damn my brain. (this journal is TMI)

Journal Entry: Fri Apr 5, 2013, 8:57 PM
  • Listening to: &quot;Go to the Light&quot; Star Ocean EX OP
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
  • Eating: leftover potato soup
(you have been warned. this journal is TMI and I know it. I just need to rant for a moment)

...Here I am.

About to draw hentai.



I can't control myself. It's just too damn fun to draw.

And what's worse is I don't really have an appropriate place to post it.

I'm over here going

"I could post it on dA."

And then I was like

"but that would tarnish my reputation!"

And now I'm just sitting here going


So, it's like I'm asking myself if its worth drawing if I can't post it.

Is it?

Yes. It is. but at the same time...



I told you this was TMI.

The teacher that got me into writing?

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 1, 2013, 6:00 PM
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
  • Eating: brownies
She's totally my friend on Facebook and she's been giving me writing advice lately. Her assignments inspired me to write and I've been writing ever since her class in the 8th grade. I told her that she inspired me to keep going, and this is what she wrote back to me earlier:

"I've known you had writing potential. Your creativity always astounded me. As a reader, I'm excited to know that one of my brightest students has taken what *I* put in her heart as a kid. You're amazing, your ideas are amazing. I don't want you to ever forget that. You have such talent. God forbid anyone ever tell you otherwise, because they would be wrong."

I cried happy tears. Here is a woman who helped me become who I am to this very day.

And we also swap recipes and talk about our kids, too. Apparently, it's what married women with kids do. I remember when she was pregnant. :XD:

Wow. It's so awesome. Seriously it's awesome.


I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

Journal Entry: Sun Mar 31, 2013, 10:16 PM
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
  • Eating: brownies…

Seriously I laughed so hard that I can't move. My body hurts from the insane amount of laughing I've done.

The universe is dead set on me loving Hector.

Journal Entry: Thu Mar 28, 2013, 8:45 PM
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Awakening
  • Eating: brownies
You want proof? I'll give ya proof.

1. In Fire Emblem Awakening, my very first spotpass character was Lord Hector.
2. Every time I do the Hubba Tester on my save of FE:A, Aurora (my character) and Hector are ALWAYS in love and get positive ratings from Old Hubba himself.
3. When my cousin Stan replaced my cord for my tablet, he also bought me a surprise to go with it! The official Hector wallscroll!
4. I'm doing a random trade to get a Hector plushie that was actually inspired by my Hector of Ostia portrait I made last year to show the world that I love him and his game sooo much.
5. I don't like buff guys. I don't like guys with short hair. I don't like ax-users. Guess what Hector is? ALL OF THOSE.
6. Here's a big one. Hector is basically Eric in anime form. He's blunt to the point of pissing people off (and doesn't care when they get pissed off), he's the black sheep of his family, he is loyal the ones he cares about to the point of self-sacrifice, his daughter(s) mean more to him than anything in the world, he marries a woman younger and smaller than him (look at the girls in game he can marry!), and he does things that are very much not by the book.

And here's what happened today.

Eric's working on losing his weight. He says he wants to look buff. Well, me, I'm not really the kinda gal that likes buff guys. I posted on Facebook this really HOT picture of Hector that I found. DAMMIT, I swear, I was having an anime-style nosebleed harder than looking at a pic of Gabriel Heinze~ :squee: I basically got him to admit that, yeah, he wants to look like Hector does. I've been giving him shit over this for a while, but I told him that I would accept him losing all his snuggly pillowness if and only if he would use it to cosplay as Lord Hector.


I about fainted, guys. Seriously. What. The. I JUST LOST IT IN SQUEEGASMS.

Now, he goes to the gym six days a week with his little brother. I know he's dead set on changing his appearance.


He's gonna indulge a fantasy of mine through cosplay. I'm totally just... I can't, guys, I can't. I never thought he'd ever agree to doing something like this for me. Ever. Typically the guys I like he doesn't, but but but but






Fuck, move over every crush I've ever had. HECTOR IS WHERE IT'S AT.


Journal Entry: Sun Mar 24, 2013, 10:39 PM
  • Playing: Theatrhythm Final Fantasy
  • Eating: Snack Artist yogurt covered pretzels.
  • Drinking: ice water
Gallery | Watch me | Note me

Eric noticed that I'd been obviously depressed lately, so he kinda cornered me to talk about it. So I told him everything that was on my mind.

When I said "I've decided to part ways with Alicia" he had this shocked look on his face.

He said, "Really? You guys were so close. It was like you and Heather, just through the internet or on the phone."

I said, "Yeah. We were."

He said, "You sure you don't wanna try to clear this up? Making close friends is like pulling teeth for you, and here you go being stubborn about this one? Something doesn't add up."

I kinda just looked away. "Apologies don't fix anything, you know. I said some things that were really out of line, now that I think about it. I totally blew her off when she needed someone to talk to, treated it like it wasn't important and... I feel like I should be writing a letter to Princess Celestia right now. I did what all the ponies did to Twilight Sparkle in 'Lesson Zero'..."

He said, "Is it because you don't want to admit that you were wrong? Is it that hard to apologize?"

I said, "Apologies don't fix the fact that I fucked up royally."

He said, "No, but they might save something worth saving."

I said, "I think it's too late for that now..."

He sat down next to me and said, "You should seriously think about saving the relationship you had with Alicia, because you might regret it for the rest of your life. I've done it. I've pushed great people away before and I think about them often. I know it's bothering you. You've not been yourself for weeks lately. If it affects you so much, you really shouldn't just push it away like you have been."

I said, "What? Are you my dad now? You sound like you're trying to fill some shoes that aren't quite yours."

He shrugged. "I get the feeling I'll have to talk like this with Anna and Jade in the future. I think of it as a rehearsal, I guess. I have a better idea of what our girls will go through because I know you so well. They all ready act like little versions of you, and that's because they are."

CSS Journal Coded by LadyGloomy

Autism Awareness

Journal Entry: Wed Mar 20, 2013, 1:13 AM
Gallery | Watch me | Note me

Did you guys know that Autism Awareness Day is April 2nd?

Well, you do now!

I'm going to be making special Autism Awareness Day keychains and charms to sell, and half of all of my sales from them will be donated to the charity Autism Speaks, which is an organization dedicated to helping autistic children. Tomorrow, I'll be posting my designs for them, and if you're interested, please give me a note~

Also, Autism Speaks is having a campaign to light up blue on April 2nd. We're all gonna wear blue and light up our porches with blue lights to show our support! If anyone asks what we're doing it for, we explain what its about. You can get the special blue lightbulbs for $2 at Home Depot, from what I found online.

The motto for Autism Speaks is "Autism Speaks: It's time we listen".

If you want to know exactly why this means so much to me, it's because my daughter Jade is autistic. She's non-verbal and has every symptom in the book. My firstborn, Anna, has Asperger's syndrome. My writing mentor AND my drawing mentor, both have Asperger's. My dad, too. My best friend from high school who committed suicide last year? He was autistic. You get the picture. I'm surrounded by wonderful people, all who are somewhere on the spectrum, all who make my life special.

Even if you don't buy anything from me, at least keep it in your mind that Autism is a big thing these days. It affects so many people, both young and old. Please participate in wearing blue on April 2nd!

CSS Journal Coded by LadyGloomy

  • Playing: Theatrhythm Final Fantasy
  • Eating: Snack Artist yogurt covered pretzels.
  • Drinking: ice water

A letter to Alicia

Journal Entry: Tue Mar 19, 2013, 1:59 AM

Holy fuck. This hurts.

But it was for our own good.

Being friends was hurting us both, whether you want to admit it or not.

It hurts being without you, honestly.

But it hurt being with you, too.

If everything I say is offensive, or puts you off, or disinterests you, then yeah, there was no point in sticking together. You had a hard time keeping my attention at all.  I'm a pretty selfish person. Even though I give. I'm still selfish. I know. I know it, you don't have to tell me.

I wish I knew how to mourn this kind of thing, but I don't.

Do I cry? I feel like I should.

But I have yet to shed a tear.

I don't know how to cry over things that happen in my own life.

It's easier to cry over imagining my characters from "Omake!" breaking up than it is to cry over anything that's ever happened to me. It's easier to cry over Gremio's death in Suikoden. It's easier to cry over Kratos having to leave Lloyd behind. You get the point. I don't know how to let feelings register, I guess.

I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you. Ever. Don't get the wrong impression.

I know your life will improve when you learn how to leave the past in the past and walk forward with your head held high. You're able to be a strong without me. I'm not a deciding factor in your destiny.

There's a song I'd like to tell you about, that fits exactly how I feel about this whole thing. It's called "Uso" and it's from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

あの日見た空 茜色の空を ねぇ 君は覚えていますか
約束 契り 初夏の風が包む 二人寄り添った
Hey, do you remember the scarlet sky, the sky we saw on that day?
Making a promise, the early summer wind enveloped us; the two of us came closer together
無理な笑顔の裏 伸びた影を匿う 
だから 気づかぬふり 再生を選ぶ
Behind a forced smile, I harbor a grown shadow
So I pretend to not notice it and choose rebirth
テーブルの上の 震えない知らせ待ち続けて
空白の夜も 来るはずのない朝も 全部わかってたんだ
I keep waiting for a notification that won't tremble on the table
And I knew about everything, the blank nights and the mornings that shouldn't come, too
あの日見た空 茜色の空も ねぇ 君は忘れたのでしょう
約束 契り 初夏の風に消えた 二人戻れない
Hey, I wonder if you did forget about the scarlet sky, the sky we saw on that day
The promise tore apart and vanished into the early summer wind; the two of us can't go back
音も 色も 温度も 半分になった この部屋
今日も散らかしては 揺れ 疲れ 眠る
In this room where sounds, colors, and temperatures are cut in half
After I mess it up today, too, I stagger, grow tired, and fall asleep
「上手に騙してね 嘘は嫌いで好き」君の言葉
今頃になって 気持ちは痛いほど だから 僕ら さよなら
"Deceive me well, okay? I hate yet love lies" were your words
Nowadays, given how much those feelings hurt, so we bid goodbye
いつかまたねと 手を振り合ったけど もう会うことは無いのでしょう
最後の嘘は 優しい嘘でした 忘れない
We waved at each other, saying, "See you again someday," but we won't meet anymore, right?
The final lie was a tender lie; I won't forget about it
あの日見た空 茜色の空を ねぇ  いつか思い出すでしょう
果たせなかった 約束を抱いて 二人歩き出す
Hey, someday, will you recall the scarlet sky, the sky we saw on that day?
Embracing the promise we couldn't keep, the two of us start walking

Every time I think of you lately, this song comes to mind.

You really wanna know what I did to put away everything? You kept asking. I'll tell you. I just got rid of it all, and I replaced it with something else. I spun a new tale instead of clinging to what was left behind unfinished. I didn't let myself focus on what fell apart. A new adventure, a new fantasy, a new life walked out of the shell that used to be. That's how I put it all away. I changed myself, too.

I think... I feel better, having written this out. No need to keep it all under wraps.

I highly suggest you get yourself an online journal or something like that, by the way. Tumblr, blogspot, livejournal, I've done it on all three of those websites at one point or another.

Well, yeah.
Good bye.
And thank you.

  • Listening to: Uso by SID (from FMA:Brotherhood)
  • Playing: Chrono Cross
  • Eating: Snack Artist yogurt covered pretzels.
  • Drinking: ice water

Newest drawing? In scraps.

Journal Entry: Mon Mar 11, 2013, 7:30 PM
  • Listening to: The Step Path - KAITO
  • Playing: Final Fantasy II (PSP version)
  • Eating: Snack Artist yogurt covered pretzels.
  • Drinking: ice water

| Link | Link | Link | Link | Link | Link |

I didn't want it on display on the front of my page. I didn't think it was that appropriate, but I don't have any other place to showcase my art.

Caution, it's marked for mature. Nudity and sexual stuff.

Friendship IS Magic by Mistralla:thumb120282116: Fantasy is my Reality stamp by purgatori Extinction Stamp by Kezzi-Rose

Final Fantasy = Anti-religion?

Journal Entry: Mon Mar 11, 2013, 4:07 PM
  • Listening to: The Step Path - KAITO
  • Playing: Final Fantasy II (PSP version)
  • Eating: Snack Artist yogurt covered pretzels.
  • Drinking: ice water

| Link | Link | Link | Link | Link | Link |

Watch this.…


...even if the game series IS anti-religion, I don't care. I'm pagan.

Friendship IS Magic by Mistralla:thumb120282116: Fantasy is my Reality stamp by purgatori Extinction Stamp by Kezzi-Rose