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By SunGryphon   |   
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© 2006 - 2020 SunGryphon
Well, with the resurrection of my newfound babbling muse of EQ, I've decided to continue writing a story I began years ago... if it seems a little choppy at times, it's because I was writing it on a message board with limited post space, not to mention fits and starts of creativity.

Part two [link]

EverQuest and names from and therein are (c) SOE
Kilauea, Tobrin, Hawk, Wolf, Hunter, Ox, the characteristics/personalities of EverQuest NPCs and the {Ca'Mat} language are mine

Mature for sexual situations and violence
Comments4
anonymous's avatar
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WolfenM's avatar
WolfenMProfessional General Artist
Wow! I'm really sorry I didn't read this much sooner! (Thank the Features thing, LOL -- I'm waaaay behind on my watchlist) You have an excellent voice! I hope I can find the time to read the next part soon! It's kind of a shame it's fanfic, and therefore has copyrighted/trademarked stuff -- it would make a great novel! And I agree with you, it's good to leave exposition to conversation whenever possible.
SunGryphon's avatar
SunGryphonHobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much for the kind words :) The thing about this story is that I could easily transplant it to my D&D world and thus avoid copyright issues, but I'm just too lazy to right now.
Pteryxx's avatar
Finished the first read-through just now. Impressions are, interesting, full of detail, and plenty of description. It seems consistently paced - I can't find any breaks where the posts began and ended, except for purposeful scene breaks. There's just enough description to make it vivid - I could use a little more, but then I'm a description ho. There is never a place that is slow enough or plain enough to be boring to me. I want to learn more about what's happening here.

I note that we're given no background on what Kilauea is or where she came from, at least not from her POV. Further in, it's apparent that she has a complete lack of reference to her life before the moment - except for the far-removed flashback, she doesn't think of how to escape, what her skills with a sword are or where they came from, or what her capture or treatment mean. She doesn't even think of her slave status, and she seems slow to realize what the purpose of the arena is. This omission is so complete that I'm assuming it's done on purpose, that something has robbed her of her ability to think much beyond the present. She did recover enough to play to the crowd, and to wish for, if not to plan, revenge on her 'Master'.

There's also a few things about the world that aren't explained and leave little gaps. I'll cover those on the second, more thorough reading.

Thanks for posting this.
SunGryphon's avatar
SunGryphonHobbyist General Artist
The reason for her lack of background is because I like to bring out those types of things in conversations with other characters. It's really hard for me to 'start at the beginning' because then I wonder how far back do I start, and next thing you know, I'm writing Tobrin's story instead of Kilauea's. Another reason for the lack of "before" is because since I'm basing this out of EverQuest, the way the game plays bleeds into my writing. In the game, you're given a fully-grown character with minimal skills, and no explanation as to why they are the class they are.

Thank you VERY much for the thorough writeup, I'm looking forward to your next :)