Sundari-chan

(The previous post was from yesterday. I've been sloppy on Journal updates lately, sorry )

I think I'm feeling a bit better after getting that last post out there. I'm still having troubles with stress but there on a much more manageable level now. I'm spending the day in my office, putting a good dent in my Princess Starla costume and tidying up.

The BJJ lessons continue. I still can't do this for too long and after yesterdays lesson I was barely able to move and seeing spots. Usha said this was normal though XD And my body seems to like the exercise.

Things have been better. I got a new entertainment system in my sewing room, which helps a LOT. And between my hobbies and daily duties things are going well. David and Usha have been teaching me BJJ to help with keeping me with exercises. And Dante's been extra sweet to me, in that special way that he does when he knows I'm stressed or upset. (This involves him petting me. No, he doesn't realize he has nails on those huge paws of his).

I've been trying to take a closer look at what exactly has me so stressed lately, and most of it just seems to be a lot of PTSD triggers. The worst involving my father, who like my brother I've cut out of my life completely. I do still contact my mother though. And for a while my father had been making sure he picked up the phone whenever I called deliberately because he knew it would bother me to speak to him (they have call display). I tried to act like it didn't bother me, and I'd just simply ask to speak to my mother whenever he did this. He'd say "hold on" then my mom would be on the phone. But I guess that wasn't enough for him. When I tried to call my mom a couple of weeks ago, he answered, then after he said "hold on" he proceeded to call for my mother and began using those stupid names to refer to me. Like, "Pat, your "bad thing" is on the phone." "Hurry, your "bad things" is waiting to talk to you.", and he made sure I could hear all of this.

A lot of people who know me know I've had a lot of mental abuse growing up. Especially when it came to the way I looked. "Sonia's so dark and ugly" "Sonia's the ugly one" This was from family members. I even remember them crowding around one of my pics as a child and they had a big discussion on how ugly I was in comparison to my sister. My parents were no better. My father went out of his way to call me everything evil nasty and ugly he could think of to get me to cry (he really loves to make girls cry), or making comments like how I was so ugly I broke his camera. My mother, although now she knows what she did was wrong, didn't help, saying she didn't want to be seen with me because people would laugh at her because she had such an ugly daughter.

After I left Canada it took years before I could actually look at my reflection and be comfortable with it. But I worked through it, and after a while, I was ok. But then after that call, I can't look at my reflection anymore, and when I am, I'm horrified and disgusted at what I see. Wonderful how one stupid bad incident just wipes out years of working through trauma.

I REALLY don't want my father having this huge of an effect on me. And I know he's full of crap. Some triggers are just so deep sometimes that they affect you on levels so intense its hard to know that their even happening, let alone trying to control them.

Now, whenever I call and he answers the phone, I don't say a word and hang up. So he obviously knows what he did ended up hurting me. And I know he's pleased with himself. It confirms what he did bothered me.

I've been trying to upgrade all of my accounts lately, especially since I've gotten better health wise recently (though I'm still very sick, at least I can do much more now.) This is proving to be pretty difficult for me :/ I'm not the best with computers.

But you know, I'm rather enjoying this. Not too long ago I had been going through some seriously hard times with life, and I've been down when its come to my hobbies and life in general. Now, as I'm working super hard to bring myself back to the way I want to live I find it super comforting to see all the things I've managed to accomplish in the past. Things I never thought I could do so well. And it fills me with hope, that I will be able to do these things again.

Ok, so I made a page for my cosplay stuff, since I'm trying to keep my facebook page itself pretty private, and have a lot of my family on there. <3

www.facebook.com/pages/Sundari…

And please, let me know if any of you out there have similar pages. <3 Love you all

And I'm sooo tired! We fly back tomorrow on a red eye back to Boston, and should be arriving around 10:00am in the morning, fun.

I missed seeing a lot of friends this year, which makes me sad cuz I don't know if I'll be able to afford to fly out to any other conventions this year. But on the bright side, I got to debut 3 new costumes (one of which needs major work though), and I made a lot of new friends.

My disease was difficult to deal with at times, but despite it, I was able to actually get out there and cosplay. Got some great stuff to bring home too. And plans to cosplay more characters in the future.

I hope everyone else had a good time at Fanime, and I hope I'll get to see those I've missed before next year. I love you all.

What's a lama badge? Cuz some people gave me 5 of them on here, and I can't seem to figure out what they are.

Sweet! Nessa made me like, 6 icons! That'll last me a long time.

So I guess all I have to do now is.. enjoy the account. Keep posting photos and eventually artwork, and see all the fun stuff my friends put up on here. Sweet!

Well, it seems like I've gotten the hang of uploading pics and adding friends who've found me on this thing. But the icon is giving me a LOT of trouble. No matter what I make and how tiny I make it, I can't seem to get it down to 15 and still be able to tell what the little blur is. >

I've gotten the hang of using DeviantART more. But I'm still just learning my way around.

To those who left me comments and added my pics as favorites, thank you so much! It really means a lot to me. I don't have much of a self-esteem so when love is shown my way like this, it really hits my heart. <3

I'm going to try to get more photos up in the next couple of days, and I'm going to try to check out others accounts on this thing. Man, there are so many beautiful and talented people on here! I should have used this account sooner! Big Ichigokitty hugs for getting me to use this account.

I'm finally going to figure out how to use this damn account!!