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It's Not My Choice

SummonerWolf's avatar
By SummonerWolf   |   Watch
39 57 2K (1 Today)
Published: January 26, 2008
I didn't ask to be this. I didn't ask to be afraid. I didn't ask to be depressed. But most of all, I did not ASK to be canine.

I would much rather be something else. I'd rather be a spotty-coated leopard, or a wild-running brumby, or a quick-foot jackrabbit, or a sharp-witted porpoise, or a normal-functioning human.

But that's NOT what I am. I'm wolf, and it's not all beautiful, it's not all romance and wild thoughts. It's sex and hormones, it's smells and marking, it's territory fights and knowing not to turn your back to anyone, it's carrion and meat and not regretting the kill, it's submission and dominance, it's piss and shit and blood.

It's a fluffy tail and pointy ears and coarse fur and a tapered muzzle and big yellow teeth and thick claws and instincts and intellect, all rolled up underneath where you can't see them.

It's not faith, it's not meditation, it's not soul-searching, it's not dreams, it's not soul-names. It's thinking and knowing and observing and running and playing and feeling and needing.

It's not religious, it's not personal choice... The only choice I made was to accept myself. And as much as I want to be accepted for what I am, I know that it doesn't matter. I know that no matter whether you believe me or not, whether you think I am being silly, whether you think I'm insane, or whether you just don't understand, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I will still be me, and you will still be you. I don't want anything from you, nor do I need anything. Just grant me the right to be me.
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© 2008 - 2019 SummonerWolf
Hesitant to post this here, because some of the people who watch me may not be kindly to the therianthropic idea. But that's the whole point of the writing, isn't it? That I don't care what people think about it anymore, and the only reasons I don't declare it to the world is 1. for relevance reasons, and 2. for my personal safety.
If you don't understand what I'm talking about, there are many places to find definitions, but my personal favorite right now is [link]

Note, because I am so sick of this, even though this is what this whole submission is about: Not every fucking lonely loser in the world is a therianthrope. Oh but, "I really like *certain animal*!" So fucking what? Just because you want to feel special, just because you want to feel better than the rest of the human race! You aren't some kind of super-thing! You aren't any better than anyone else!
*ahem* Thank you.
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Alone I always go forth Forever with my internal turmoil What is this therian worth? I've always been a wolf ever so loyal This body is a curse Sealed away in this human form In the form I hate most Between soul and body I feel torn In a world filled with humans unknowing and blind They always taunt and tease Never have they had a heart of pure kind For only themselves they wish to please I'm left out Not even the slightest thought of Forever I may be in this life in sheer doubt They give me a push I snarl and give them a fierce shove Then shortly after a feeling of remorse I'm supposed to love all life But humans are the worst They ridicule,
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Stuffed inside a little box Crammed until it hurts The howl is welling up This time it can’t be stopped Shaking it’s little wood frame This howl is coming out Up to the sky and moon It will be heard by all No longer will I sit back and watch No longer will I be struck down I will fight back I will find my light and freedom Your chains can no longer hold me Your box can no longer contain me My wild spirit is uncontrollable And it’s the way things should be
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Comments57
anonymous's avatar
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AmberSchuler01's avatar
AmberSchuler01Hobbyist General Artist
im a therian too but i hate it when people at my school bring it up. i have been bullied a lot lately because of people bringing it up. this one guy got me a squeaky toy >:( what i dont get is why cant people leave me the hot fuge ice cream alone! sorry. i cant cuss so i use ice cream flavors to cuss. but people have come to my house and asked if i wanted to go play fetch and my mom hates me now because i am "diffirent than other people." IM NOT! i just have an extra characteristic that people dont understand. and the school took away my tail because it showed that i was brave enough to be myself. the school said i can be who i want and dress how i want, but the second i put on a tail they took it away :'( and they said oh i cant do that because its offensive. :( its not like im telling everyone to be a therian... thats not how it works. and my mom just hates everything to do with therians. she says its a cult and i could die for being a therian -_-  at least i have my pack. and my friends who accept me for being who i am. my friend cody is like a brother to me and whenever i get depressed and i think about ending my life he stops me and wont let me because i am needed. i just wish my family was more accepting of me being a therian.
MintIcecreamCat's avatar
MintIcecreamCatHobbyist General Artist
Yeah… There are kids on the internet who think "Oh I like dogs! Hey, this thing exists where people believe they are other animals! I've imagined that I was a dog, so I must be a therian!" Or they just say they are cause it's "cool" or "different". I am not therian, but I respect people like you. And I don't think you are trying to get attention
Almaflora's avatar
AlmafloraStudent Traditional Artist
I'm not familiar with therianism, but... guess i'm not crazy after all. i tought i was the only one that chased chickens around and growled at friends. not to mention other... uncovenient... behavior.
sabrefang0's avatar
Very well said. It's very true too not everyone is like that. Acceptance is good though.
Skyshell101's avatar
Skyshell101Student General Artist
Thank. You. So. Much. I'm a therian. I'm tired of explaining to people that it's not my choice!
CherryBlossomFreak's avatar
While it's not religious whether you are a therian or not--I myself am a black eastern timber wolf named Amaru--it can be a very spiritual thing. I discovered the name Amaru through meditation (though the name swirled in my head for a while) and I looked up its definition. "To remain." To stay against all odds.

Being a wolf is about the struggle to remain. To survive. To remain loyal to your pack, and to be wary of so-called "outsiders." To feel mournful at the sound of a howl.

But it's about dirt and blood. Running in the forest, nothing on your mind, and craving raw meat. To wish you had claws instead of fingers.

I recently discovered what a therian is, though I knew it in my heart all along.
Totem-pole's avatar
Totem-poleProfessional Traditional Artist
This is fantastic! I myself have only come clean to one person; I wish I had your courage. Bravo!
Dregrith's avatar
DregrithHobbyist Artist
"Humans are a race to be pittied." That was a line spoken by Angelus in Drakengard. Quit frankly I agree with her. Humans controdict themselves constantly and end up tied up in the throng of a society they inevitably created out of confusion, chaos, and opression. Everyone is too worried about what others might think of them and thus hide their true selves from the world. However there are certain matters which are better left unsaid, especially those which concern the darkest corners and reaches of one's mind.

Admitting to being what you truly are should not have to be like this. Its pretty much met with the same hatred and poking fun as when someone comes out and admits they are gay. Humans are programed to fear what they do not understand, this is a survival method that was bred into our bones and will more than likely never be bred out. Human tolerance is very limited as the average person these days is very sheltered concerning matters such as this.

Ignorence breeds fear, fear breeds hate, and hate gives way to compulsive destruction of the object in question. If people could only learn to give something a chance and actually look into it before they pass judgement would be nice, but thats not reality and it is nothing more than a foolish dream to float upon.

I will say that when you admit to something on the internet, unless there are people who know you in real life or could put together who you might be in real life, the consquences of those who hate and fear what they do not understand is far less compared to what would happen outside of the protection of the internet.

On the internet you get trolls and flamers and haters but that is what the block function is for after all. You might get people who steal your art or your writings and spread rumors across the internet and yes it will tear you up inside if you let it. But all in all, they are only tormenting you mentally. I personally found for myself that it is far easier to deal with people being bastards on the internet than in real life. When it comes down to it, 99 percent of the people on the internet you will never meet in real life and as such they cannot physically harm you.

So long as no one can make the link of who you are on the internet back to who you are in real life, you are fine. At least thats what I've experienced so far.

Sadly things such as this can cost you a job if you have one or make it hell for you to get one. Employers these days check the internet but mainly places such as Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, all the large social websites. I have yet to hear of them checking deviantart. Employers do this because they know that people feel safe on the internet and thus will tend to reveil more about themselves than they would in public face to face. The easiest way to avoid this is simply not to post any pictures of yourself on the internet and to have a screen name that has nothing to do with your real name and when you talk on the internet not to mention people you work with or go to school with or the name of schools or where you work and you're usually fine.

I apologize for my rant there about humanity and society, whenever I read about where people say they must hide behind a constant mask it makes my blood boil, its just not fair.

Its great that you took the step in admitting what you are, it helps you to feel a bit more at ease with yourself. And as far as so many canine types...canines have a very general behavior and personality description, as such because the spectrum is broad thats why so many people fall into the canine catigory. Probably if the types were more defined then there would be grouping such as this and people would better be able to have a more acute line of sight away from the canine and could better find out what they truly are.

If this comes across as very dry and even angry I must apologize once more. I am a very analytical person and do not put stock in emotions, I never did. I believe I was honestly born that way. But I came to find that analytical leads to less stress on my end as I do not get emotional nearly as easily. Of course that doesn't mean its always good on the other person's end and they can interpret my words and tone in a completely different fashion from what I was really trying to get at. I figured it best to let you know so you didn't think I was being rude.
IndigoOfTheHeavens's avatar
IndigoOfTheHeavensStudent General Artist
Wooooow O.O I ADORE the way you talked about all this in a consise and analytical fashion, because that speaks to my own well-developed anyalitical abilitis and tendencies towards observing and figuring out the world and the tendencies of others and the causes behind emotions (rather than actually experiencing the emotions fully which I actually need to remind myself to do in many cases, and not simply repress them and understate them and thus suffer the consequences later of surpressing strong emotions for some time). And I loved how well you wrote all this out and I completely agree with your points brought up and beliefs had about the workings of human nature and society for they are things I have thought/mused about before and observed myself. :)

*sighs* ... If only there would come a day where I can be all of who I am and dress and act who I am truly (with still respect for others' opinions and actions and rights and safety) without the hatred and scorn and ignorance and misunderstandings that abound in the "offline" society. It does also happen in the "online" society but as you pointed out, the potential harm is MUCH less "online" as long as you have taken the safety precautions, and the "offline" society can tend towards the immediant physical danger with little warning at times.

I suppose I'll keep dreaming that dream and working towards my long-held goals and passionate dreams and do my little bit to maybe help make this part of the world a better place for others to be. :)
Aivre's avatar
AivreProfessional Interface Designer
While I'm skeptical of therianthropism and don't necessarily agree/disagree with it, I can at least be mature and respect the beliefs of those associated with it. That's not to say that I haven't had my fair share of "fun" at someone else's expense. We all do that at least once; it's in our nature. What really differentiates us though, are those that feel guilt later on. That said, I really don't understand why others, while also entitled to their opinions, have to single you or anyone else out in a hateful and derogatory way for thinking/believing/acting differently. Sure, there are extremes which end up taking things way too far, sometimes to a dangerous extent, but I still don't understand why everyone can't just live and let live. Or at least be mature enough to know when they're disrespecting someone.

Long story short, I respect you for writing this.
SummonerWolf's avatar
Thank you very much.
I can't deny we therians can be a little comical sometimes. :p
thatgayboykayser's avatar
thatgayboykayserProfessional General Artist
I know somewhat how you feel. I don't believe myself to be a therianthrope but I am a psi. vamp., if you know what that is. Lol. But I know how you feel, hun. Good expressive writing. :)
DragonriderHikaru's avatar
DragonriderHikaruHobbyist General Artist
Absolutely wonderful. Very well put. I get the same kinds of people with my kintype. Sometimes I wish I could just rant at them until they get that it's not all fun and games.
PerianArdocyl's avatar
I just found out what this is. It is still coming as a shock to me that there is something like this in the human world, but maybe it is new? But anyway, I can really relate to your words. Many times, I just wish to fit in, because some of these behaviours are embarassing, such as the strong desire to chase small animals (do you get this, too?). But at the same time, for me, it IS somewhat religious, because there is so much wisdom from the animal half. And maybe because cats, in general, are said to be very spiritual.
I am better just for having known the word 'therianthrope'... I can't wait to meet more people like this. =)
SummonerWolf's avatar
I definitely get this and lots of other inconvenient impulses. :p I used to chase our chickens around the yard, corner them and catch them. (I don't advise this- even if you don't hurt the chickens and it is fun, the chickens don't enjoy it.)

Personally, I see most experiences as spiritual in some way, but - at least for me - being wolf is no more religious than being human.

As for meeting more people, I recommend Werelist and/or the WereSource. A good resource is Project Shift.
Tkb4's avatar
I'm sorry that you feel that way...:(
Ypu were very brave to post this. In my personal opinion, I love being a Therian. It helps me to find out who I truly am. I hope you find happiness in your life...:)
SummonerWolf's avatar
That's not what I mean. It's not that I don't like being what I am- that's not true at all. But being happy you're a therianthrope is like being happy that you're white- there's no reason for it; you're no better than anyone else because of it, and if you tell people how much you love it, you just sound like a bigoted asshole.
No offense. I'm just trying to explain myself.
Tkb4's avatar
Oh...Well, from what I read, I must've read it from a wrong point of view...^_^;
I don't think I'm better than anyone else because of it...But, I like being Therian, because it's part of who I am, and I like finding out more about myself...if that makes sense?
Lol, I think in some peoples eyes I do sound kind of like an asshole, but I was trying to imply a good message...^_^;
Sorry if I offended you or anything...
Ariakas44's avatar
thank you you clearly have a good head on your shoulders and are very intelligent this is how i try to explain it as well
Mystical-Ferret's avatar
"It's sex and hormones, it's smells and marking, it's territory fights and knowing not to turn your back to anyone, it's carrion and meat and not regretting the kill, it's submission and dominance, it's piss and shit and blood. " "It's not faith, it's not meditation, it's not soul-searching, it's not dreams, it's not soul-names. It's thinking and knowing and observing and running and playing and feeling and needing."

Yep. It's actually really funny how many people seem to think therianthropy is all happy times and magic and running (or swimming, I suppose, in my case- otter therian) free and wild beneath the stars. They never seem to realize that the romanticized view of the animal isn't all there is to it- especially, I've seen, with the typically "cuter" species (go ahead, pet a wild otter. If it can't swim away it'll give you on hell of a bite. We fight, viciously, and squabble, there's fear and dominance and you're never really safe because sometimes you just don't see the predators coming).

In any case, I agree <3
Bear-hybrid's avatar
Bear-hybridHobbyist Digital Artist
We wolf therian's get hit the hardest you know, simply because there are so many people posing as us and so many OF us.
People relate to the wolf spirit the most because of its admirable qualitys that reflect a more primal man.

They don't think about the shitty things included, those of us who really know ourselves don't think we are a majestic flowing howling creature all the time. We are also the piss, shit and blood. The dirty, worn, starving hunter as well as the lean team player.

Sometimes I wonder if my wolf side is a dog, the line is very blurred and the feeling so similar. I maintain the feeling that there is a certain un-tamed passion residing, with a hate of entrapment and loss of control that keeps me lupine.

In any case well said!
SummonerWolf's avatar
Thank you! I fully agree with what you've said. It's likely that a large part of why I wrote this piece was because I was feeling insecure about all the negative light wolf therians in particular receive.
Bear-hybrid's avatar
Bear-hybridHobbyist Digital Artist
Iv seen too much hate here on DA for therians/otherkin lately. If its not hurting them they shouldn't try to change us or disprove our spirituality x_x;
SummonerWolf's avatar
I agree with that, but I'm guilty of doing the same to others.
Some religions just crack me up... :XD:
anonymous's avatar
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