Someone asked me the other day what my definition of therianthropy is.
Whenever I hear this question, I am sure that I am about to be ridiculed and rejected. But then again, I usually think Im about to be ridiculed and rejected, so I suppose thats not relevant.
Firstly, theres really no way to explain the way I feel when Ive shifted. I am not thinking in English, my mind doesnt form words like culture says it should. I dont think about what I am, or whats happened earlier, or whats happening later. I think about whatsthatsmell or iseesomethingmoving. And nothing else really matters because thisisnow and iamhere.
Mind you, of course I know that I am never fully animal or fully human. Its my sliding bar of life. Now Im 30% animal, 70% human. Yesterday I was 80% animal, 20% human. Roughly, you know.
Im struggling to put my definition into words right now, because it seems so complex and yet so simple, so fluid and yet so incongruent. It was easier when I was sure I was wolf, but now that Im not so sure, its easier to wonder if Im fooling myself. But then I feel a little more animal, and Im so, so sure that this is what I am, regardless of whether therianthrope is the right word.
I am a therianthrope because of the fur I know should replace this bare, naked feeling. I am a therianthrope because of the big sharp teeth that should be here instead of these dull, flat molars. I am a therianthrope because of the wet black nose, the long muzzle, the sensitive ears that feel right compared to my fleshy nostrils, my short face, and the tiny ears on the sides of my head. I am a therianthrope because I want to run on four paws, because I desire the sharp crunch of bones in my mouth, because I want to raise pups instead or children, because I want to piss in the grass, because I crave the taste of raw flesh, because I know that this is not a game and I hate the romanticizing and I feel the need and instinct pressing in and its not fun.
You can never please everyone, and there are some people who would read this and call me a faker. Thats why I left the online community, in favor of only keeping in touch with those therians that I am close to. But now I find that I am much more sure of myself, even if I am in the process of re-studying myself, and I have decided to come back, if in a small way. I am lurking for the most part, but submitting my thoughts here on DeviantArt. And I know, now that Im returning, becoming vocal once again, that Ill have to prove myself to everyone, every single soul I meet eyes with.
Im okay with that. I want to tell the world what I think, and to Hell with those who dont like it.