The only good thing I remember about Rampage was seeing Malin Akerman in a sexy red dress (#muhdik). But even then she died in such a lame way that even a vorefag like myself couldn't really have fun with. Shame because I really could see myself as George the Ape, in that we're both this pale white muscular beast, that grunts at people, and does obscene hand gestures. Malin played one of the bad girls, but I still couldn't hate her. Not just because I wanted to lick her taint and snatch every time she was on screen but...she's Swedish. How the hell am I supposed to hate the Swedes? (unless I'm a rabid Somalian). I guess the director wanted me to cheer when she got vored, but I just felt miserable and sexually frustrated afterward. It left a bad taste in my mouth (no pun intended). Maybe I'm still getting over the Zara scene from Jurassic World, but I digress. Still the villains were as dumb as everyone else on screen.
It starts out with a cutie on a space station. Immediately I thought she was going to be like a hard survivor chick like Sarah Connor, but instead she ends up dying. Anyway the movie didn't know whether to be like a black comedy such as Return of the Living dead, or to be a serious film. So like the dual nature of the monsters, they decided to be both. In turn it failed miserably. Why? Because through seeing countless soldiers get stomped on, civilians die in crashing buildings, and even the protagonist monster eat a woman, I was supposed to feel happy at the end. I mean the Rock was alive and still flexing his muscles while having sign language jokes with George. So...everything is ok...despite the city looking worse than a bombed out Dresden with just as many casualties. Fuck all that shit though, the Rock was alive! So fuck me. I should have turned off my brain before I entered the theater. Dumb fucking me. The one good thing I can say about that movie was that it was slightly better than Jurassic World. But then again that's like saying rank cat piss is better than dog shit.
Funniest part about this is that German trash director Uwe "The Toilet" Boll is trying to sue the director of Rampage because he made another film with the same title. It will probably be more entertaining to see which Rampage movie will be labeled the worst one. In the blue corner we have the one directed by Uwe Boll. In the Red corner we have the one starring the Rock. Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummbbbbbbllllleeeeee!
I used to play this game as a kid. Yeah I know the shot outs in the movie. Yet I felt like the last time I let a girl peg me. Am I really getting old to the point that everything sounds like shit as explained in the South Park episode?
Oh well, I'll wait until San Andreas 2. (Yes that's really a thing!)