Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER14: Overgrown- Daily shearing long overdue
My mother taught me many things. The value of sporadic parental neglect, how to split pea soup cans with your grandpa’s dentures, what factory babies are manufactured in before being shipped out for mandatory military service, and of course, how to conduct high minded discourse in a public forum. But by far the most important lesson she ever taught me was personal grooming. First impressions are everything, and unless you comport yourself in the right way, people will surely form the wrong image about who you are and what you stand for. To prevent this from happening, I have always adhered to a strict regimen of excess hair bleaching, vigorously brushed nails and the periodic removal of unwanted teeth. I can honestly say that thanks to these personal grooming habits, no person has ever gotten the wrong first impression about me. And making a second impression has never really been an issue.
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 13: Ash - Did I leave the iron on again?
I swear, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t sewn on. I know, because that happened. Twice. The first time was an honest mistake, really. I was hitchhiking my way down route 23B-7T21, on my daily commute to another co-workers divorce/funeral, and because I was in such a hurry to get there before they buried whatever was left after the settlement, that the next thing I knew, my head wasn’t where I last left it. But we found it without too much trouble. It was three states over running a weighted arm wrestling hustle on a pair of 17 year old grannies. The second time I lost my head was not so innocuous. It went missing just last week and I’m convinced my neighbour is using it to impersonate me at parties. I know that he has always been jealous of how wallflowers comment on the length of my nose hairs, but stealing a man’s head in order to pick up socially anxious wallpaper seems like a step too far if you ask me.
Thanks for the fav on INKTOBER 12: Dragon - Shoulder Massager for Sale
Sure, it’s been used quite extensively, and it was the prime suspect in three murders, but none of those charges could be proven, so you have nothing to worry about. It’s also very expensive to operate, requiring no less than 11 sacrificial teenagers, a moldy corkscrew, and a box of half eaten thumbtacks, to be refuelled, daily. But can you really put a price tag on a deep tissue shoulder massage. Like, really, really deep tissue. Like, “Oh my god, I’m bleeding to death! Tell my goldfish I loved him, and please delete my browsing history” level of deep tissue manipulation. Now that is the sort of quality that you just can’t find in stores. So just indicate your interest and you’ll go in the pool with the other potential buyers. It shouldn’t be long before we’re ready to start the bidding. Until then, I recommend you keep your head above the water, and just try to ignore the bloated, floating corpses of all those that just couldn’t wait for this sale to start. Besides, we clean the pool daily, so just avoid them and you should be fine.