Royal Blue played nervously with one of her hairstrands. For the millionth time in the past half hour she looked at her chronomenter and the uneasiness started to intensify.
He was late. Too late.
This was very unusual for him. Of course, it happened that he didn´t made it back in time sometimes. But he was never that late. She looked at her chronometer again and then checked her messages for any new incomings. The result was the same as the last time.
Now she felt fear rising in her systems. Where was he? Why didn´t he call or send her a message? What if something happened to him? Shifting uneasily on her seat, she took in a deep breath, trying to calm down herself with little success. A gaze at the chronometer again and she inwardly cursed the numbers. This couldn´t be a good sign-
Suddenly someone opened the door to the appartment and entered the hallway before closing the door again. Royal Blue jumped up and quickly left the room. "Skyblade, where have you... " the question died in her vocals when she saw him "Oh no...".
Skyblade leaned against a wall, panting and clutching his free servo to his waist. Energon was seeping out between his fingers and tickled down his side. There was another big and deep scratch at his leg and across his left shoulder. "I´m... sorry... for... being late..." he panted without looking at her. When she woke up from her shock, Royal Blue rushed over to him. "You need medical care." she said and took one of his arms around her shoulder helping him to walk into the back of the small appartment. Carefuly, he sat down on the berth, hissing in pain when he accidently shifted his weight on his damaged leg.
"Let me take care of this." she said and inspected the wound on his leg before jumping back up and running over to a shelve. She came back only a second later with the medical kid clutched in her servos. Opening the small box, she took out a white clothe and carefuly started cleaning the wound before putting a weld on it. She then treated the scratch on his shoulder before taking care of the biggest wound.
She felt him stiffening beneath her touch when she was about to lift his servo. "It´s allright." she said softly "I will take care of this.". Slowly she lifted his hand from the wound and to her shock she realized that it was much bigger than she had thought. A simple weld wouldn´t be enough this time.
"It´s worser than I expected..." she said and expected the injury closer "This needs more than just a weld.". "It´s nothing." he said "I´m capable of handling this on my own.". He tried to stand up but Royal Blue pushed him back down on the berth. "No. No, you can´t." she said more sternly this time "You are injured. You can´t take care of this on your own.". "I don´t need your help." he replied coldly. "Of course you need help. Look at yourself!" Royal Blue shot back. He turned his face away from her, growling "I don´t want your help!".
"But you need it!" she said "And now stop whining and let me help you!". Skyblade sighed in annoyance, but let her take care of his wounds. After searchig for the right equipment in the medi kid, Royal Blue carefully started to stitch the torn portoform back together. He still wasn´t looking at her, but she didn´t bother. She knew how he was sometimes. This wasn´t unusual.
"Ah!" he hissed in pain when she accidently pushed in the small needle a bit too hard. "I´m sorry." she murmured before continuing with her work, not noticing that he was now looking at her. He watched her every movement as she was carefully stitching him back together. "Where did you learn how to do this?" he asked then.
Royal Blue was surprised at the question, but just answered "At the academy.". Then she added "It´s a long time ago that I did this the last time. And back then it was just a dummy.". He didnt say anything and just continued to watch what she was doing. When she didn´t expect him to say anything else anymore, he said quietly "You´re doing a good a job on it.". A soft smile touched her lips "Thanks.".
Silence fell upon them again and they didn´t talk until she was finished. "There you go." she said "It will heal fast, I think. But you need to be careful to not overstrain the wound. You can have the berth tonight, I will sleep on the floor.". She put the equipment back into the medi kid and was about to put it back into the shelve, but then she stopped. Turning back to him, she fixated her optics on him before asking "Skyblade? What happened?".
He didn´t answer. Instead he just turned his gaze away from her, opics dipping to the floor. Royal Blue moved closer to him. "Skyblade, what happened?" she asked again, but this time, there was more determination in her voice. She needed to know. Still there was no reaction from him. Royal Blue sighed, taking a step forward "Skyblade, I need to know what happened-".
"It doesn´t look like "nothing"!" she snapped. Damn, sometimes he could be so terribly stubborn... Then she realized her tone and cursed herself inwardly. She sighed and shook her head before sitting down beside him, she said insistently "Look, Skyblade. I was worried about you when you didn´t come home in time. So, please tell me what happened.".
He was silent again, still not looking at her or showing any kind of reaction to what she just said. Royal Blue sighed, not expecting him to answer her question anymore.
"You don´t want to know.".
She looked up at him, still finding him turned away from her. But at least he had shown a reaction. "How do you want to know that?" she asked, not liking it that he just decided that she didn´t want to know. "Trust me." he said "I know.". Skyblade sighed tiredly and dropped his face into his servos "I know things likes this far too well.... besides... there are things, you don´t need to know.".
"I don´t think so." she said. Moving a bit closer, she said "Really, Skyblade. I need to know. If not what happened then at least tell me who did it!". Again, he didn´t answer immediately.
This was enough. "Seriously, Skyblade!" she said sternly "You can´t just keep that away from me! I have a right to know what happened to you and who the hell did it! I was worried, okay?! I was worried about you when you didn´t came back in time and didn´t even contact me! Do you even care about that? Or is it just totally meaningless to you? Because if it is, I tell you, this was the last damn time that I helped you stitching yourself back together! You finally have to come to terms that I´m here as well and everything you´re doing affects me too. So speak up finally and just tell me who the frag did-".
Suddenly he reached out to her, grabbing her arm so tight that it hurt and roughly dragged her towards him. She gasped in shock and starred at him, feeling how panic and fear rose in her systems.
Skyblade starred right back at her, taking in every little detail of her body before locking his optics with hers. He saw the shocked expression on her face, the panic behinde her optics and noticed how her vents were slightly increasing as fear rushed through her systems. She started to shake, but didn´t try to free herself from his grip, seemingly too shocked to even think about this. Instead she just sat there, not daring to move an inch while starring at him with those widened, panicked optics.
He knew what she was thinking. He knew what was going on in her mind, what kind of memories were forcing their ways back into her conscioussness. It was reminding her of the things he had done to her. And it was painful for her, he could see how much the memory hurt her and how much she was afraid that it would happen again. But not only this but also how much she was afraid, that he was going to do this to her again.
She was scared. Scared of him. And of what he could do to her.
But all this didn´t matter. He knew what had happened to her in the past and usually, he took great pity on her even if he never showed her he did. But not now. Right now, he didn´t care about her issues or about her past or about that stupid aft who did all those horrible things to her. He didn´t even care about the fact that she was scared of him. This is all didn´t matter at all. All that mattered in this moment was-
He kissed her. He didn´t know how it had happened, but suddenly his lips just met hers in a heated and rough kiss. She gasped and Skyblade didn´t hesitate to take full advantage of this, forcing her soft lips further apart and slipping his glossa into her mouth. His hand let go of her arm and in the next second, he had already pinned her down to the berth. One servo came up to cup her cheek to press her even closer to him while his other servo traveled down the side of her body and griped her waist tightly.
A quiet, deep groan escaped him as his codpiece slightly brushed against her panel, that single graze already making his coretemperature get skyrocked. His system felt hot, like it was on fire and he could feel his breathing growing more and more irregulare. That hand that had been gripping her waist traveled down her side to grip her knee, guiding her slender leg up around his waist. His processor spinned and he couldn´t focus on anything else than the sweet taste of her lips. Primus, it had been far too long since he had last kissed a femme...
Suddenly her hands shot up and pushed him roughly away and she gasped when she was finally able to free herself from his grip. Panting for air, she crawled away from him to the far wall, quickly getting as much distance between them as she could. She was shaking so much that her armor was tinkling together. Her optics starred at him, filled with horror and panic as tears were running down her face.
For a few seconds they just starred at eachother, both unable to speak after what had just happened. Skyblade opened his mouth, trying to say something but all he could get out was static. He closed his mouth again and cleared his troath before trying again. "I... I´m so sorry..." he was finally able to rasp. His gaze diped away from her optics, unable to stand that horrifying expression on her face "I shouldn´t... I didn´t... I...". He sighed and closed his optics, trying to bring order into his scattered thoughts and emotions.
"I know what it reminded you at... I know what he did to you... It... I didn´t mean to harm you... I just...". He broke off again, not sure what to say or how to say it. Primus, what was wrong with him? He should have known better than just throwing himself at her like this. He knew how that must have felt for her, he knew what she must haven been thinking when he had just pinned her down and assaulted her like he had just a few minutes ago. How could he have been so stupid?
"I´m so sorry..." he repeated again.
Royal Blue didn´t answer. She just starred at him, still pressing herself against the wall and trying to stay as far away from as she could. Her spark was still sputterig a mile a minute in her chamber and her vents were still panting. She was shocked. She was scared. She could feel how panic was rushing through her systems and she just wanted to get away from him as far and as fast as possible. Her processor frizzed and she wasn´t able to get a straight thought across her mind. What had he been doing? How could he do this to her? He KNEW what had happened, what-what he had done to her...
Everything inside her screamed at her that Skyblade had been about to do the same, to do the same, horrible things he had done to her all those years. It didn´t matter that he said, he had´t meant to harm her. Because she had been feeling it. It had felt the exact same way like all those years long...
Skyblade took in a deep breath, trying to calm down before he slowly lifted his head to face her again. She was still just sitting there and starred at him with those wide, tear-filled optics. It was painful. It hurt to see her like this. "Blue?" he asked quietly.
"Blue, are you listening to me?".
"Look, Blue,... please... I honestly didn´t mean to harm you... I know how that must have been feeling for you and I know that I shouldn´t have done this and...." he passed a hand over his face, whispering "Oh Primus, why did I do this...?". Then he looked at her again, rasping "Can... can you forgive me?".
She didn´t show any reaction to what he was saying. It was like she wasn´t hearing him. All she did was starre holes straight through his body.
"Blue, please... say something.".
"Please... forgive me... I don´t know what to do except telling you how terribly sorry I am..." he slowly reached his servo out to her.
Only then she showed a reaction as she violently flinched away, desperately trying to get away from his touch. Her optics burned into his as she hissed shakily "Don´t... don´t touch me!".
All he could do was starre at her for a few seconds until he was able to nodd slowly. Slowly, he moved away from her and stood up from the berth, taking a few steps back to give her enough space to leave. Shakily, she stood up as well, all the time trying to keep as much distance between them as she could. Her optics were fixated at him, making sure that he stayed away from her. When she was standing on her feet again, she just turned and bolted to the next door, leaving the room as fast as she could. The second she had opened the door, she had already jumped inside and threw the door close behinde herself and locked it, hiding in the small bathroom behinde the door.
Skyblade just starred at the locked door, before slowly sinking back down on the berth. He burried his face in his hands, unable to understand how he could have let this happen and knowing that she would possibly never trust him again.
One day later....
Skyblade looked at the locked bathroom door for the hundreth time that day. She still hadn´t come out. Just nothing happened. She was still hiding inside there and he wondered whether she would come out of there ever again.
He doubted it.
She wouldn´t come out. Not as long as he was there.
He closed his optics for a second. This was terrible. He hadn´t really slept the whole night long. His mind had been too busy with rethinking everything that had happened that evening. He hadn´t talked to her since then. A few times this day he had been thinking about trying to talk to her even if she had still locked herself up in the bathroom. But he hadn´t. He was afraid, that she wouldn´t say anything. That she wouldn´t want to talk to him after what he had done.
He was afraid that she wouldn´t forgive him.
With a deep sigh, Skyblade forced himself to turn his gaze away from the door. If he was just starring at that damn door, it wouldn´t change anything. But what would change something? He didn´t know. He didn´t know what to do. Just what could he do to sort things out? To make her feel better again? All he could think of was just telling her how terribly sorry he was over and over again. But he knew that this would hardly be enough. He had done that the night before. And it hadn´t change anything.
Of course it hadn´t changed anything. Nothing would. He had commited a terrible mistake and he couldn´t reverse it no matter how much they both wished he could. Nothing could make it undone.
He gazed over to the locked door again and sighed deeply. It seemed like he just needed to wait until she was ready to leave her hideout. Until she was ready to see him again. He wondered how long this would take. Or if she would ever be ready.
Late that night....
She was still in there. She hadn´t come out all day. He hadn´t even heared a sound out of the bathroom. It as bothering him more and more. Of course, the wohle thing, everything that happened since last evening in fact, had been bothering him all day. But now it was intensifying with every hour she spent longer in that bathroom. He needed to admit, that he was very worried about her.
Skyblade looked at the closed door again. He couldn´t help it. It was like it was drawing is gaze towards it and sometimes, it even felt like she was starring at him through that door with that same horrifying and paniced starre as she had last night. A cold shiver ran down his spine as the picture rose in his memories and he drew his gaze away from the door again, dropping his face into his hands. He couldn´t bear looking at it any longer. This closed door was a constant reminder of what he had done to her only a few hours ago.
It was disgusting. It was terrible. It made him feel worse than anything he had done ever before. And he had done many bad things. But never something like this. Hurt someone in this unforgivable way, someone that had suffered so much in the past, someone he had promised to protect. Someone he cared about.
It made him cringe.
He looked at the door again. Why wasn´t it opening finally? How long would he need to endure this? He didn´t know. But it needed to stop. He couldn´t stand this any longer. This terrible silence and emptiness and the painful knowledge that she was sitting alone behinde this door and was most possibly crying her optics out.
Closing is optics for a few seconds and taking in a deep breath, Skyblade tried to calm himself down. He had to do this. She needed him. Or maybe she didn´t need him, but he was sure that she needed someone. And he was the only one there at the moment. Besides... maybe she didn´t need him as much as he needed her.
His optics opened again.
It was the first time that this thought had occured to him. He had never seen it this way before. He had never... felt it that way. And somehow it made him feel uncomfortable. Not just because of her past or what had happened last night, but also because he knew this wouldn´t get them both anywhere good.
But before those thoughts were able to push there way even further into his mind, he suddenly heared a quiet sound out of the bathroom. Standing up, Skyblade slowly went over to the still locked door. He stoped infront of it, listening for another sound. But he heared nothing.
After some terrible long moments of painful silence, he cleared his troath and rasped "Blue?".
He tried again, this time a bit louder. "Blue? Blue, can you hear me? Are you allright?".
What a stupid question. Of course she wasn´t allright. Otherwise she wouldn´t be hiding in the bathroom. But that was what people were asking in situations like this, wasn´t it? He didn´t know what else he should do. He wasn´t used to situations like this. This was very... unfamiliar to him.
But still, she didn´t answer. The only thing facing him was that same painful silence that had been lingering around him all night and all day long. It was heavy. It was painful. It made him feel more lonely than anything else he had ever heared before.
It was the worst thing he had ever heared.
He just stood infront of the door for a few moments, unsure what to do. Then he sighed and took a step closer, knocking slightly at the door. "Blue." he said quietly "Blue, I know you can hear me and I know that you most certainly don´t want to hear my voice, but... please... listen to me, Blue. I... know what I did. I know I hurt you and I also know that me telling you that I didn´t mean to harm you in any way doesn´t mean anything to you... because it hurt you nevertheless. I know it did. I know I did, even if I didn´t mean to.".
Pausing briefly, he waited for a reaction, hoping for a sign, any sign, that she was listening to him. But everything remained silent. Skyblade could feel his spark clenching painfully in his chest. Primus, he couldn´t deal with this any longer.
Sitting down infront of the door, he leaned his back against the door and burried his face in his servos "Primus, I´m feeling so terrible... I´m so terribly sorry... and I know that I told you this so often allready, but I just... I don´t... I don´t know what else I can do. I want to make you feel better, Blue. I really do. So please... tell me what I shall do.".
He waited. The minutes stretched like hours as he desperately waited for her to answer.
But she didn´t.
The only thing facing him was the same painful silence.
But he wasn´t the only one listening to that silence. At the other side of the door, Royal Blue sat in a dark corner of the small bathroom, curled up into a ball and trying to shut out his voice. He was right. She didn´t want to hear it. She didn´t want to hear anything. She wanted to be left alone.
Actually, that was not true.
She didn´t want to be alone. Everytime she was alone, she could feel his presence creeping around the room, sneeking into her system and into her spark and reminding her of everything he had done to her. It was allways there. At night, when it was dark, when nobody was there to protect her, it had been haunting her, hunting her down since the very first day since she had left him. There was nowhere where she would be save. It followed her, no matter where she went, it allways came after her. And she couldn´t get rid of it.
His ghost was paralyzing her. It scared her, it made her feel sick, it made her feel alone and keeperless and it was preventing her from trusting everyone she met. This was the reason why she didn´t trust Skyblade. She was afraid that he would use her again, just as she had been used before. And last night... it had felt like this fear had become true. Like he was just the same. Like he also just wanted to use her.
But after sitting a whole night and a whole day all alone in the bathroom, she slowly started to doubt what she was feeling. Skyblade said he was sorry. Last night, she hadn´t believed him he was. She had thought that there was no way in the pit that he really felt sorry for what he had done.
Because he had never felt sorry.
Skyblade said, he wanted to make her feel better. But she hadn´t thought that he really meant that.
Because he had never meant it.
Skyblade said, he didn´t mean to harm her. But she had doubted that he really hadn´t want to harm her.
Because he had ALLWAYS meant to harm her. He never had had another thing in mind than harming her in the most painful ways possible.
And there it was. Suddenly, Royal Blue noticed something, she hadn´t noticed ever before, not since she had left him. Everything, everything she thought and felt, it was all because it was all still there. Because she was still carrying that weight around with every step she did in her life. Because she was still imprisioned, controlled, chained to...
It was all because of... him.
It was all because of him. He was controlling her even if she couldn´t see him. He was scaring her even if he wasn´t in her presence. He was following her around, watching her, influencing her even if he wasn´t really there. He continued to hurt her. To ruin her life. He didn´t need to be around to do this. Because she carried him within herself. He exsisted within her. Within her thoughts, her feelings, everything she did, thought or felt. It was all influenced... CONTROLLED by him!
He was allways there. No matter where she tried to hide, he would allways find her. Because she let him. She let him find her, follow her, still get close to her because deep inside, she was still attatched to him.
Maybe she had left him.
But that didn´t mean, she was free.
It was the first time that she realized all those things and the sudden knowledge was overwhelming her. Her breathing increased, her spark started to pound harder and faster in its chamber and tears rose in her optics.
Just why couldn´t he leave her alone?
Dropping her face into her servos, she started to cry, not even trying to hold back her tears as she felt her spark, her very soul, breaking inside her. She didn´t want that. She wanted to be free. She finally wanted to get rid of him, wanting nothing more than finally forget him and start again. She wanted a reset. A new life. Without him! Without all what had happened and what he had done to her.
But how could she finally get what she wanted?
How could she finally draw a line under the past?
She didn´t know. She knew, no matter what she did or where she went, he would allways be there. She was carrying him inside her, like a virus which was slowly killing her from the inside. And until know she hadn´t found a cure. It was disgusting. It was scary. It was painful.
It made her cringe.
And nothing would change this. Nothing she could do would be able to set her free. She just couldn´t. He would allways come back. He would allways find a way to creep into her soul again. There was nothing she could do against-
Her thoughts were interrupted by that sudden, quiet and somehow feared whisper from the other side of the door. Skyblade was still out there, seemingly still waiting for her to open the door or at least say something. But she couldn´t. She... she was too scaed... too afraid that he might-
...was that just him controlling her again?
"Blue... please. Please come out... please... I don´t... I can´t stand this anymore. This painful silence and the even more painful knowledge that I hurt you and that there is no way in the pit, that I will ever be able to make it right again.". He paused briefly before continuing quietly "But... despite... or maybe even because... of that, I wanna try. Blue, I want to make things right. I want to make you feel better. I want to help you. So please let me. Let me help you. Please open the door.".
She didn´t say anything. All she could do was starre that the door, not sure what to make off all those things Skyblade had just said.
Several minutes passed in which he just waited for an answer, or maybe even just a single sound. Just something that told him that she had understod what he was desperatey trying to tell her. But there wasn´t anything to wait for.
Sighing deeply, Skyblade passed a servo over his tired optics. "Blue..." he said quietly, trying it for the last time "I know that no matter how often I tell you that I am sorry, it won´t change anything. It won´t reset anything of what happened and I know that maybe, it doesn´t mean anything to you that I´m telling I´m sorry. But despite I do, Blue. Because it´s the only thing I can. I don´t know what else to do. So for one last time now, I tell that and I promise you, I really mean it: I am sorry, Blue.... I truly am....".
His last words hadn´t been more than a soft whisper and he was sure she could barely hear it through the closed door. But actually, it didn´t matter. He had told her, what he wanted to tell her and all he could do now was wait and hope that she accepted his appology.
"I hope one day, you will be able to forgive me...".
He was close to falling asleep, still sitting leant against the closed door, when he suddenly heared a faint "klick". It was so quiet that he was barely able to hear it. But this quiet, tiny sound was more than just a sound.
Quickly, he moved away from the door to give enough room to open. It only opened a little gap, just enough so that she was able to look at him. They just starred at eachother for a few moments, none of them was able to say a word.
Skyblade saw tears glistening on her face and he could see the fear still lingering behind her dark blue optics. But despite, he felt a wave of happiness and reliefe rushing through his system. At least this meant that she seemingly knew that he really felt sorry and that she was at least ready to endure his direct presence again. It was a step into the right direction.
It felt like an enternity had passed until he was finally able to get his vocalizer working again. "Blue," he said with open relief in his voice "I... ". He stopped and a soft, sad smile touched his lips as he whispered "To be honest... I don´t know what to say... I´m just.... so glade that you have come out again...".
His smile faded and his gaze diped to the floor as he said quietly "I´m sure that you can´t forgive me right now for what I´ve done and that you most certainly don´t trust me anymore... if you ever did... at least not like you did before... I´m aware of this. It needs time. I understand and I know that maybe, you will never be able to forgive me entirely... I just... hope that one day, things between us... will be okay again.".
Skyblade lifted his gaze up to her again. He hadn´t expected an answer from her. "I know that you understand... and... and I know that you are truly sorry..." she said quietly, still not able to look straight into his optics as she tried to avoid his gaze "And I really thank you for that. I also hope that one day... things between us will be... okay again.".
They just sat there in silence for some days until he asked "Do you want some energon? I mean... you haven´t had anything for a whole day.". She nodded faintly and after a few moments of hesitation, she slowly stood up and left the bathroom. Skyblade moved a few steps back, making sure to give her enough room to move without feeling uncomfortable because of him being too close to her. She looked at him briefly before turning to the kitchen and leaving this half of the room.
Skyblade sat down on the berth on the far side of the room, watching her as she took one of the energon cubes out of the storage and sat down at the table, taking a few sips of the blue liquid. He would have liked to sit down beside her but he knew, he couldn´t. She wouldn´t want him being that close to her. She needed time to feel comfortable with him near her again. At the moment, she was only able to stand being in the same room with him. They needed to take small steps for slowly going back to normal again. To the way it had been before.
But desipte him knowing that he couldn´t be close to her, he knew that he wanted to. He wanted to be close to her. He wanted to sit next to her and- if he really thought about it- even more. He wanted to hug her, to hold her close, to touch her soft syntetic hair,... to kiss her and, even is he knew he shouldn´t, he needed to admited, that he wanted even more than that.
Quickly, he turned his optics away from her, instead gazing down on the floor infront of him. He felt guilty for feeling that way. He knew he should´t think like that. It wasn´t good for them. Not just because of last night, but also because of everything else. He wasn´t allowed to feel this way. There was no place for such silly feelings in his life. It was too dangerous. He knew the rule, it was even his own rule:
You are better off alone.
There were good reasons why he had made that rule and why he was following it so closely. At least he had. Now... everything seemed different suddenly.
Skyblade closed his optics, his spark was a mess of intoxicated feelings which he was barely able to take controll over. But he had to. He had to controll them, surpress them, lock them back up in the place where they came from. This wasn´t allowed to happen. He wasn´t allowed to feel that way. It was too dangerous. He had had good reasons for his rule and he wasn´t going to break it. It would do both of them no good. If he started to ignore his own rule, it would end bad. Very bad. For both of them. It would most possibly get both of them killed.
This wasn´t allowed to happen.
But despite him telling himself that this over and over again, he couldn´t help feeling what he felt. His feelings just wouldn´t let him go. He was powerless against them. And it scared him. It made him feel sick. It made him feel afraid. It made him feel desperate.
It made him cringe.