Swindle allways says, I don´t have any. He allways says, I have to work on it. He says, that I need them. That I need friends or however that is called then. That I need company.
He says that I am lonely.
And he is right. I am lonely.
But not because it just "happened" like it just happens that you are lonely sometimes. I am not loney sometimes. I am allways lonely. Swindle says it is my own fault. And he is right again. But I wouldn´t consider it as a fault. I consider it as a choice.
I choose to be alone.
And this is good.
You know, there had been a time in my life when it had been different. There had been a time when I wasn´t lonely. I had friends and company, even a family and all that stuff, you know. I had a happy life. A much happier life than most. With a nice home and good friends and parents who loved me. I went to school. I was good at school. I wanted to become a famous dancer. A silly child´s dream, isn´t it? I practiced every day and my parents were proud and supported me as much as they could to make my dream come true.
I was very happy back then.
So, why did a happy young femme with a good life, lovely parents and a dream for her future become someone like me?
The answer is much more simple than you might expect:
She falls in love.
She falls in love and realizes too late that it was the worst thing she ever did...
Royal Blue sat on the bench and nervously stared at her hands which laid on the table. They shook a little and she nervously hooked her fingers together. She lifted her head and looked out the window and when she didn´t saw him, she turned her gaze back down to her hands.
A waitress approached her table. "Can I get you something?" she asked. Royal Blue shook her head and quietly answered "No, thanks.". The waitress just shrugged, turned and went off to another table. Royal Blue turned to the window again. Outside the café was a big open place and many people where walking around, heading for their destinations. Some looked like they were in a hurry, others just slowly continued on their way.
She let her gaze wander over the people outside and then she suddenly saw him. He was heading straight for the entrace of the café. Quickly Royal Blue turned away, optics locking at her hands again as she felt her sparkbeat increasing. A cold shiver ran down her spine and she bit her lip nervously.
The door opened and she flinched at the sound of a bot entering the building. Her hands started to shake more and more and with every step that was taken towards her table she felt how she was getting more and more nervous. Then the steps stopped next to her.
Royal Blue swallowed, took in a deep breath, a desperate try to calm down her racing spark. Only then, she finally had enough courage to lift her head and face him. Her optics met with bright yellow ones and he flashed a happy smile at her. Royal Blue didn´t know what to say, so she just didn´t say anything at all.
"Is everything allright?".
With a sudden flash of panic, she suddenly realized that she had been starring at him. She quickly turned her head away as she felt heat alighting her cheeks with a nervous blush. "Y-yes." she shuttered, trying to stop herself from shuttering "E-everything is f-fine.".
His friendly smile grew wider and he sat down at the opposide side of the table. Royal Blue was still gazing down on the table, not able to face him directly. "Do you want something to drink?" he asked her and she bit her lip, trying to stay as calm as she could. "Well... um... yes. Um... a coffee would be nice." she answered quietly without looking directly at him. He didn´t seem to care and just waved over the waitress and ordered two coffee.
Royal Blue fiddeled uneasily with one her long snythetic hairstrands, trying to keep as calm as she could. Primus, why was she so nervous? There wasn´t a reason to be. Yes, it was their first date... it was even her first date in general, but that wasn´t a reason to be that shy. She couldn´t even look directly in his face. Was that normal for a first date?
She guessed it was. After all they barely knew eachother. She had seen him a few times at the academy, sometimes they had talked with eachother, but nothing serious, just small-talk. They had never really gotten close to eachother. He was a class above her and a few vorns older, so she had been more than surprised when he had suddenly come over to her and just asked her for a date. It had shocked her so much, that she had almost refused it.
Actually, the moment he had asked she had inwardly allready screamed "yes!". Of course she wanted to go on a date with him. He was friendly, handsome and didn´t seem to be as arrogant as the other mechs at the academy. He was the first one she had ever really liked.
And maybe she allready liked him a bit more than she wanted to admit...
The waitress came back to their table and put down their order. He flashed a smile at her and thanked her before turning his attention back at Royal Blue who was still gazing down on the table. She could feel his gaze on her and this somehow made her even more nervous. "So... how are things going?" he asked casualy and took a sip of his coffee.
Royal Blue stiffened in her seat. "Um... good." she answered uneasily, hooking her fingers together as a try to distract herself from her nervousness. "That´s nice." he answered and since she didn´t know what to say then, she just nodded.
An akward silence fell upon them and Royal Blue didn´t like it. She hated it. She wanted to say something to break the awful silence, something interessting that connected them both and what helped them to get to know eachother better. But she didn´t know what to say. The only thing she could think that they both had in common was school. And she was sure, school was an awful topic for a first date.
Lifting her optics hesitantly, she looked at him and saw him gazing out the window. Quickly, she looked down at the table again and bit her lip nervously. Crap. This was not good. She needed to do something, or it would be her first and her last date. This wasn´t allowed to happen. She needed to-
"Are you going to stare on that table for the rest of the day?" he asked. Royal Blue didn´t answer, she didn´t know what to answer. Her thoughts were a twisted mess stuck inside her processor.
"Look," he said and leant a bit forward "I´m really happy tp mee you here, but if you aren´t gonna talk to me or anything, I don´t think things are gonna work out between us.". He waited for a few moments, but she still didn´t say anything and just starred at the table. "Um... I think I have to go then." he said quietly.
"No!" she almost screamed and only realized that she had said that out loud when she saw the surprised look on his face. "I mean..." she shuttered uncertainly while trying to avoid his gaze "I... don´t go... please. I... I´m sorry, but... I´m... I´m just so-".
"Nervous?" he finished her sentence and smiled softly at her. She nodded slowly, unsure how to feel about all this. "Is this your first date?" he asked and her optics widened in shock. "Uh... um... I..." she shuttered, settling her gaze back at the table again. He lifted his servos and said "I´m sorry. I shouldn´t have asked such a bold question. I´m sorry for making you uncomfortable.".
"It´s allright." she said and lifted her optics with a nervous smile "I... yes, it is my first date... this is all new to me...". She looked away again. "I´m sorry... I don´t think I´m doing a good job on all this...".
Suddenly she fet something touching her hand and she almost flinched violently at the soft touch. "It´s allright." he said softly, his warm optics fixed directly at her as he closed his fingers around hers "You´re doing fine, trust me.".
The rather bold gesture shocked her and she felt her cheeks heating up, dying her cheeks a bright pink. She lifted her free hand, trying to hide the blush but he caught it and prevented her from doing so. "Don´t." he said and smiled at her "You´re even more beautiful when you´re blushing.". This made her blush even more but this time, she didn´t try to avoid is gaze and returned his smile.
In the following hours, they talked about all kinds of topics. From their hobbys and interests the conversation carried on about their friends and families and many other things. They even talked about school for a short time. Royal Blue lost her shyness more and more as the time passed and felt more and more comfortable in his company. He seemed to notice this and his smile grew wider with every second. But all good times at to come to an end at some point.
"This was very nice." she said as they left the café. "Yeah, it was. Sadly, our time is allready up." he said and turned to face her "I would like to stay a little longer, but sadly I have to go. Maybe we could meet again soon?". Royal Blue blushed again and answered "Yes, that would be really nice.".
He smiled "Well then, see you at the academy.". She nodded "Yeah, see you there.". She was about to turn when he suddenly took her hand, pulling her back to him in a quick hug. Royal Blue froze, shocked with that unexpected, bold action and unshure what to do. But before she was able to return the hug, he had already let her go again. "Bye." he said softly before turning and leaving. She stood there for a few moments longer, looking after him until he was not to be seen anymore.
A soft smile touched her lips "Bye.".
Time passed and we grew closer. Much closer, in fact. Three weeks after our first date, the first rumors spread around the academy about us being a couple. Five weeks later, we actually were a couple... I guess. Two weeks after that, he met my parents for the first time. They liked him. Even my sire who said he would be more than careful considering my first boyfriend.
Everything that couples do, like going on dates, spending much time with eachother, watching romantic movies... he was my first. He was my first date, he was the first one who watched a romantic movie with me (well, except for my carrier, but that doesn´t count) and he was the first one who ever danced with me.
He even was my first kiss...
...I remember it like it was yesterday...
The cinema was only half full, but that didn´t bother them. In fact, the less people were there, the more comfortable Royal Blue felt there. It wasn´t because she was nervous around him anymore. No, she was long past that point. But today was the day. THE day. Exactly one year ago, they had had their first date and because this was a "special" date, he had invited her to go the cinema with him and she was allowed to choose the movie all by herself.
It was a romantic movie, full of unrealistic plots and clichées. It was very cheesy. But that didn´t matter. All that mattered was that they were watching it together and that they were spending time with eachother.
They were sitting in the back of the cinema, at the far wall in the very last row. Their hands rested on the arm rests, his was on top of hers, gently caressing her fingers. When he had done that for the first time, she had been completly taken off guard, unsure what to do or what to make of the gesture. But as they got to know eachother better and better, she had come to learn that he was a rather bold mech, especially in showing his affection to her. He liked to take the initiative. And she did approve of this very much in fact since she was allways very shy and nervous about such things. Especially in his company.
But now... after one year... it was completely different. Well, Royal Blue had to admit to herself that she was still somewhat shy and nervous whenever they were about to take the next step in their relationship, but it wasn´t as terrible anymore as it had been at the beginning. Besides, he was very understanding when it came to her "nervous outbreaks". He gave her time to get used to it and feel comfortable. He was never pushing her or doing something she didn´t want.
He was allways waiting for her to be ready, no matter how long it may take.
A content, happy smile touched her lips as she thought about that. She was really happy that she had found a boyfriend like this, someone who was as sensitive and understanding as he was. Many femmes wished for a mech like this. Yes, she was really happy.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt his hand shifting on top of hers, his fingers slowly curling around hers. She looked up at him and her blue optics collided with his yellow ones. He smiled and she returned the smile happily. His other hand came up and he gently whiped some strants of her synthetic hair to the side so he could look better into her optics.
Royal Blue could feel her spark starting to pound faster in her chest as his hand gently cupped her cheek. A sudden flash of surprise and a little bit of fear rushed through her systems, but before she had figured out what he was about to do, he had already leant forward. She froze in shock when his lips connected with hers, her optics wide open, unsure how to react or what to do. But slowly, she came back to her sense again as he pressed gentle kisses to her lips. Her optics closed and her fingers wrapped themselves around his, locking their servos and before she even really knew it, she had already given in.
She could feel him smile into the kiss and he leant a bit closer, pressing his lips a little bit harder against hers. Too caught up in the rush of warm pleasure to think about it, Royal Blue just did the same, letting herself being consumed by the warmth spreading through her frame. That servo which had been cupping her cheek was now cupping the back of her head and he pulled her even closer to him. A shudder ran down her spine when the tip of his glossa brushed against her bottom lip. He gently licked her lips, coaxing her into parting her lips and granting him access.
The kiss got a bit more heated then as his glossa sliped inside her mouth, causing a tiny gasp to leave her troath. It took them both some moments until they remembered again that they were at a public place. With difficulty they were able to break the kiss again, both breathing a bit irregular. Royal Blue took in a deep breath and she could feel her faceplates heating up, dying her cheeks pink as she shuttered quietly "Huh... that was... I mean... that felt... pretty amazing.". He smiled gently and answered "Yeah, I can absoluely agree with that.".
He pressed a quick kiss to her lips again, making her blush even more which in turn made him smile even more. Then he wrapped one arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer while his free hand took hers, locking their fingers together. She hummed quietly in content and leant into the embrace, absolutely sure that she would never forget that kiss.
In this moment, I felt happier than I ever felt before. And than I ever did feel since then. This feeling never came back again. Until today. I am alone...
When I remember all this, I realize that back then I never imagined that I would be alone ever again. I thought he would stay with me forver. And he did... but not in the way I expected.
It had started from day one, but I never noticed. I was blinded by the happiness I felt and by the affection he showed me. But I didn´t know what was about to happen. Back then, I lived in a world where I thought everything you see is real.
Still I hope that someday, I will make it out of there even if it takes all night or a hundret years. I´m still looking for a better place. But there is something on my mind, always in my headspace. It´s haunting me and follows me everywhere I go.
Isn´t it lovely? Me and my perfect little lovestory trapped in a cage, all alone. Heart made of glass, my mind of stone and it´s tearing me to pieces, skin and bone. It never stopped and it never will. I gave up that hope a long, long time ago. Nobody will ever be able to set me free from those chains.
And I was right. I never forgot that kiss...
...but I wish I did.