Fri Mar 13, 2009, 8:02 AM
It's 12:55, the 11th of March. The sun is shining outside, in such a way it shows real signs of a new season. I'm sitting here in the same place I have been for the past number of weeks. But now I think it's a good time to tell you who I am. When I'm done, I will read it over, so that I know who I am myself, too.
My name is Paulien. I'm nineteen years old (nearly twenty!) and live in Breda, where I was born. And at this point I'm actually staring at the screen, wondering what to write next.
I'm not very good a judging myself properly, like I can't very well say of myself that I'm kind or sympathetic, or maybe arrogant and not kind at all. So I will leave that to those closest to me.
I know I'm a very creative person, in various ways. And not just with my hands, with crafts, but also with my mind.
Every second of the day the gears in my head are rolling and they weave new worlds, characters and stories. I'm a writer, not so much a poet, but a writer. I love writing stories that are filled with imaginairy beauties and combinding them with my own illustrations. I want to write my own books, illustrate them myself and let them be published.
Only a few months ago did I also start to look on myself as a musician. Sure, I've played flute for over two years, and guitar even longer. But it wasn't until after we started Cleiti that I realised I'm actually a musician, too. I used to compose MIDI songs and they were pretty good, now I picked it up again a little. Also, I love making videos, music videos but also the kind to support my songs. Like my own artist music videos. I want to build my own little media studio here in my room, simply with just a fine headset and a proper videocamera. My dream is to bring out a solo album before the end of 2010, whether it's an officially published one, or just a free release on the internet.
Most people see me as an artist with a paintbrush and a pencil, though. It's the kind which I've clung to for as long as I can remember, not understanding the other various kinds of creativity resting inside me. But for the last year I have come to understand them, I know now that I can do more. I still love painting and drawing, though. The visualisation of the many worlds floating in my head and it still gives me great rest just to sketch a bit on paper. I want to use these skills to create my own illustrations, but I also love to paint on cloth, walls, anything.
But next to that, I also do artisan crafts like sewing and working with clay. Though I don't work with clay that often, just once in a while, since I don't have the material lying about to start on it randomly, like I usually do with other stuff... But I also love making clothes and gadgets, such as skirts, pouches and bags. It's all nowhere near professional (have no idea how to operate a sewingmachine), but it sure is great. I even came up with my own clothing label, just for fun, so that if someone one day requests like a bag, I can put my own label logo on it! The label name is Origins, dedicated to you. One day I want to learn how to use a sewing machine and expand my abilities in textile crafts, but I also want to learn the craft of leatherworks.
I'm a neo-pagan, or just simply pagan. Let me explain that. I believe in a greater "source" or "force" (which is you) and that everything is part of a greater Whole. Even scietists declared that if you come far down to it, everything is energy. And if everything is eventually energy, to me it means that eventually everything and everyone is One. But that everyone and everything is still an individual within the whole, like individual cells that form one body, like countless of gears that form a clockwork.
I gave you, the greater source I believe in, quite a few different names, such as the Great Divine, Energy, but of all I think Origin suits you the best. For you are the origin of everything, whoever, whatever and wherever you are.
Like all pagans, I'm more than fond of nature, animals and crafts of the old ways, and my interests also go to mythology and ancient cultures. Personally I'm also very fond of runes, symbolism and the concept of chaos and creation, which I often combine with my artisan crafts.
I believe that magic doesn't just come forth with spells and detailed rituals, but that there is magic in everything we do and everything that exists.
I see myself as a modern pagan, because I don't desperately cling to the ways that once were, but I look at what once was and bring it to the now, focusing on creating the future moments from the present. Next to that, I'm just a modern kid with computers, technology, and other stuff from this very age.
My spirit animal is a pygmy owl, and I realise that those totems can change over time. But the funny thing is that ever since I found out a pygmy owl was my spirit animal, I began to see owlies everything I went. Statues on a camping site, little decoration owls at fairs, I even started to notice that my dad had a few owls hanging around the house, too.
Okay, let's see. I'm also a new-age child, or an Indigo as it's sometimes called. But I'm not sure what to say about that, in all honesty. It is said that Indigo children represent a higher state of human evolution. They show "symptoms" that often lead to them being labeled to have autism, ADHD or ADD. They're natural rebels because their sense of justice and logic often don't go along with those that are considered "normal" or "true". They're also often considered arrogant and selfish, because they strive to stand out for their individual, no matter what tries to oppose them... Now, whether these things apply to me or not, I will leave that to people who know me, since I can't really say myself...
I'm quite a lucky person by nature, I'm not sure what causes it, though. Sometimes things just come on my path that seem all to convenient, but well I don't believe in coincidence, just in synchronicity. Meaning that everything that happens is made to be so. And I'm not saying that you, Origin, is responsible for making everything happen like it does. But we ourselves, are. By everything we do, think and say, we shape our own courses. But anyway...
Let me just say something I usually don't bring up. I think everybody has different personalities, like a light side and a dark side. I do, too. They're always in a struggle, in some sort of conflict. When the light side takes the upper hand, I can get very lucky, as described above. But when my darker side jumps forth (like it does now), I can get sort of "lifeless", silent and a thousand dark thoughts swish through my mind in one day. But I believe that even in the denser darkness, a light always exists. So now, in this dark time, I will also keep searching for that light.
Well, not sure what to write next, I think this is about it. But let me finish this letter by listing a few details about me, that I still think define me in some way.
I'm lefthanded in writing and painting, but in almost everything else I'm a righty, such as sports, cutting and playing instruments.
I'm also quite small, like 153 centimetres in height, and I know it's a bit cheesy but I still think that's a part of who I am, and I like it. I just wouldn't be me if I were tall!
My favourite color is brown, any shade. I also like black and green, but other than that I'm having a hard time finding or combinding colours when it comes to clothes.
I'm nearly twenty years old, but I'm still a kid. I can get all bouncy when birds are singing, get all nostalgic by watching Power Rangers or X-men. Hah, I thought I would have quite a few things to say about this, but I don't really. I'm just still a kid, that's about it, and I love it. Being grown up means little to me, since the regular defination of 'adult' seems like something I really don't want to be. But that doesn't mean I'm immature or irresponsible.
Ermm let's see, what else...
I'm very sensitive, I can get emotional with whatever touches me. You name it; books, video games, movies, music, anything. From sniffing and shedding a tear, to crying for hours or be depressed for a week. If something touches me, then emotional I get.
To serve and protect! Haha.
I guess that's it.
Origin, this is me.
In all love and gratitude, I'm now sending this letter out to you.
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- Listening to: OC Remix - The Summoning of Spirits