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2019 sap

10 min read
its that time of year fellas hope ur all ready
i get less and less eloquent with each annual sap but oh well
i don't have as much to say this year so i'll keep it brief for the shoutouts

man here we are at the end of an entire decade huh
been a long rough one man

as in, the whole year of 2019 has been rough but like. the past decade in general has also been rough

so lets reflect on the past decade
10 years ago, i was 9 years old and just starting to learn about social media and youtube videos; i did art, but i was never serious about it and it was just a fun little hobby
i don't think i ever expected to still be doing art 10 years later honestly dkjgsk

i've grown a lot as a person in the past 10 years; i used to be extremely annoying, and i apologize for anyone who was around for how annoying i was gkJNGDKJN
i like to think i'm a lot calmer and chill now

but i met a lot of people since then, some of them lifelong friends that i'm still friends with today and will continue to be friends with
in the past decade, i met my best friend and platonic soulmate, as well as had a lot of different experiences to learn from

in hindsight, it was a fun decade; there's nothing i could say that would sum up the entire decade, but i had fun, even with the rough parts of it

as for this past year of 2019, i've spent a lot of time struggling to have self growth and learn from mistakes
i'm not quite there but it takes time i guess
little bits at a time, i'll get there

i'd like to say i've improved as a person this year but i can't quite tell yet
at the very least, i want to continue to improve as a person

this year was an excellent art year, which i'm really happy about !!
i think i've grown a lot as an artist and i'm really happy with the direction i took my art this year
hopin' to keep growing and trying different things with my art for next year too!
the goal for this year was to work more with shading and lighting and i think for the most part i did that

the goal for next year is to work more with backgrounds!
i'm excited for that and i hope everyone watching my art gets to see my growth too

along with art, i got back into writing !!
which is really really exciting because i love writing a whole whole lot! i had been writing a bit in the previous years, but this year i really kicked back into it and its been so so much fun writing
i usually don't talk too much about my fics here since this is primarily a place for my art and i just don't think many people would be interested in reading my writing, but i've enjoyed writing more than anything this year, even more than art

just in the short number of months since i started writing back at the beginning of summer, i've improved a lot in my dialogue and style of writing, and i'm super excited to see how my writing continues to improve
maybe next year, i'll become more confident in talking about my writing and sharing it

despite this, i had a pretty rough year in terms of mental health
which is to be expected at this point, really; there's a lot going on in my head and i don't quite know how to properly cope with everything around me
i spent a lot of time stewing in self loathing and having 2AM breakdowns

taking time off college is something that everyone around me keeps telling me is okay and that a lot of people do it, but it still feels like a failure to me
when people ask about college i usually just lie and say i'm just taking basics and don't know what my major is lol
it's hard to accept (for me and other people, i guess) that college just isn't something i can handle

it feels like there's just expectations of me and it's less that i'm afraid of them specifically than that i'm just afraid of failing
getting a job, learning to drive, going back to college; its just stuff i'm afraid of failing at, that's really all

even so, this year has been fun; there were a lot of downs, but i got to spend time with friends and really strengthen my friendships
and i honestly don't think i'd have anything to write about this year if it weren't for my friends so!!
u know what time it is boys rubs my hands together

CHAMPlON nirnroots bunnybots windbarkers  and everyone else who occasionally pops into the server!!
a few of you i admittedly don't know as well but!! i just wanna thank you guys for making the server a fun place to be and being active there!
you're all so fun and funny to be around and talk to, and i appreciate you all a lot! you never fail to make me smile when i come into the server
and the server wouldn't be nearly as fun without you guys there to liven it up!
i hope to become better friends with all of you!! i love u all!!

first off, i can never thank you enough for all the help you've given with my payments over the past few months you seriously have no idea how much i appreciate your willingness to help
you've always been someone i admire and i'm super proud to be your friend! you're such a fun person to talk to and be around, and i'm really glad to have met you!!
you've been nothing but a positive force for me and i'm glad we were able to become closer friends this year, and i hope we can continue to be good friends next year too i loV U,,,

i think i say this every year but i seriously appreciate you sticking around for so long blizzy; you're one of my oldest friends (both in that u've known me for a long time but also that ur older in age than me kfjgndsk) and it's definitely Something to put up with me for that long
for as much as i joke about it, i really AM glad that you and char are happy together; it's weird to see two of my closest friends date admittedly BUT i hope to continue watching how your relationship grows!
you never fail to make me laugh or smile, and our calls with char are some of the best memories of 2019 i have; thank you so much for the years of support and friendship and i hope we make good memories next year too i loVE U

aNNd on the subject of friends who have been around for a long time wow you've been around for a long time huh
i feel like i don't tell you enough how much i appreciate you and when i dO, i always feel like i say the same things but either waY
i appreciate you more than i can say, and i'm really glad we've stayed friends over the years; i don't often have a lot of friends who i feel as comfortable with talking as i do you, and you always manage to make me smile or laugh at something silly
sharing music and interests is one of my favorite things we do, not to mention how much help you've been in being a beta for my fics !!
thank you so much for just stickin around for so long and being a really really great friend i lov u

wow surprise bitch who would have thought u'd be on this list never would have guessed wow idk who u even are
okAY FOR REAL i know for a fact that i definitely say the same thing all the time when i appreciate you but thats like fine
its been a long long 7-8iSH??? years for us and i'm enjoyed every moment i've gotten to know you and be your friend char
as an introvert, i often get tired of long calls, especially with a lot of other people in them and i need time alone but i never feel that way with you; i've never really needed to have alone time from you or cool down from our 6 hour calls
maybe this is cheesy but like my favorite thing to do is make you laugh and i always feel super happy when i manage to do it dkgjsnd
i appreciate that you're always willing to listen, whether it's something i ask of you to do, or it's some stupid vent, or it's just me rambling about iwaoi
you're the person who knows me best and the person i can trust with anything and it's been such a great honor knowing you and being your best friend
it's so incredibly rare to be able to meet someone you get along with as well as we do, and like i dont believe in god or anything like that but i think it was a blessing that we were able to meet
i don't use the word soulmate lightly, but i really do mean it when i call you my soulmate; there's never been anyone i've felt so at home with and i look forward to many more years of being best friends i love you a whole whole lot

this year has been a lot of ups and downs but there wouldn't nearly be as many ups without you guys; to all of you, one last time: THANK YOU !! and i love you all a whole bunch
i'm excited to see what 2020 has in store for me and everyone; and a hope that it's a really good year

i'll close this journal out with one more plug to my server!
we're super active there and we all just hang out and have fun! sometimes we do game nights where we call and play games!
a lot of the fun parts of my year was spent in the server, just hanging out with some really fun people
if you're lookin to meet new people, everyone there is super friendly and they're all just really really great honestly

here's to a brand new decade!<3
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2018 sap

14 min read
alriGHT fellas we're here
i don't even know how the annual sap started, but we're keepin it going sO
i've got a lot to talk about, and a lot of it's pretty personal so i won't be offended if you just, uh, scroll past it all and skip to the shoutouts like usual dkjgnsd

wow man this year's been. a thing right?
so much has happened this year, both just in general and like, for me personally
college was a central... thing?? that happened this year, so i'll be talking a bit about that

at the beginning of this year, i was extremely conflicted about college; i couldn't decide where i wanted to go, or even if i WANTED to go
it brought on a ton of anxiety for the spring, and an even bigger ton of breakdowns for the summer
once high school ended, i grew apart from irl friends that i had known, whether from them going to different colleges, or just simply because we no longer clicked
and the loneliness that came afterwards was really really rough for me. i tend to be the kind of person who needs interaction to sorta,, thrive? so it was really tough to accept that the people who used to hang around me just weren't interested anymore
over the summer, i had talked to my mother about what to do about college, admitting that i was just scared in general; about failing, about making friends.
we decided on a college in town, which seemed alright to me, since it wasn't going too out of my comfort zone

for a while, i was fine; i did the work and even though i didn't really make friends there, i was mostly content
but somewhere down the line, something sort of snapped for me. i wasn't happy anymore, i was holed up in my room almost every day, i was starting to prioritize things like drawing or gaming over doing work, i was failing all my classes, and i just felt that sense of deep, deep loneliness come crawling back.
i uh, mentioned it briefly in the meme i did a few days ago lol but it got to a really bad point where i felt the worst i've ever felt mentally and emotionally. i kept thinking about things from the past, thinking how i let everyone down who had expectations of me. i became really scared to show my face to people i knew from high school or teachers i'd had from middle school. i felt sick all the time and remedied it by distracting myself with drawing, games, and calls with char.
i couldn't make friends in college, despite really really wanting to. my anxiety held me back from talking to the people around me, and it only frustrated me more. i'm really not sure when it was, but i just remember one sunday, absolutely dreading having to go in on the following monday.
i've mentioned it before, but i tend not to be overly vocal about how i'm feeling to my family. we love each other, but we're not a close family; we don't often share thought and deep feelings with each other.
it got to a point where i realized i couldn't keep quiet, and i talked it out with my mother. i tried to tell her how i felt, but i still think i could have done it better. while we agreed i need time off, i could tell she was a little disappointed.

i wasn't able to completely fix all the problems i had, but that's fine. i made steps toward a state where i could be content with what i'm doing, and that's enough for me.
even though this year resulted in me feeling the worst i've ever felt, i'd like to think i've made progress with my depression and anxiety.
i'll say more about it later, but a good chunk of that is thanks to my friends online.
things were confusing and just... frustrating in 2018, and they still kind of are, but i feel alright with the decisions i've made.
i'm still taking small steps to really accept myself and properly like who i am, but it's progress.

art-wise, i don't think much went on. i think this year, i had become a bit more inactive than i'd like to be.
but i'm genuinely happy with my improvement. this year, i worked mostly on small things, like shading, lighting and poses, but next year, i really want to try out backgrounds more.
i've drawn a few before, but i really want to work more with them and become better.
i haven't mentioned it much out loud, only to friends, but i've also been working on drawing humans. they're still incredibly rough and i don't think i'm quite ready to really post anything here of them, but i'm hoping to work more on it next year as well.
i had a lot of small art blocks, but in hindsight, i don't think this year was too bad with art blocks.
and with my paypal finally fully set up, i'll be able to take money commissions properly now! please look forward to that journal in a week or two! : D

i think this year was hell for my head, but there were good times as well.
i spent most of the year hanging out in calls with my best friend, and she pulled me through some really really hard days. more on her later, of course.
it's probably pretty cheesy to say, but being online is kind of my little safe haven. i've been so lucky to be surrounded by people who accept me and love me, and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
in a couple days, it will be my 8th year on deviantart, and while that might not seem too long, it means a lot to me.
i've met so many people here that have stuck with me and helped me, and for that, i can't thank you all enough. i've been shown nothing but kindness and i wish i had to words to tell you have thankful i am for that.
i haven't always been the best person, and i admit i did and said some stupid things in the past that i regret.
every day, i'm trying to become a better person than i used to be, and i hope that i can continue making people proud.

and with that said, i'll get into the shoutouts.
i'd just like to mention beforehand about these shoutouts, though. i don't usually explain them, but this year, i'd like to.
these shoutouts are for the people who made my 2018. they're for people who have impacted me in some way, even if it's small.
they're mostly for friends who supported me throughout the year and stuck it out with me.
i don't want people to misunderstand and think they should be doing something specific to be on this list. these people can be people i met years ago, but have stuck with me and supported me, or they may be people i met this year but have supported me nonstop and been incredibly kind to me without me asking.
so please don't feel bad if you're not on this shoutout list. i appreciate anyone and everyone who's ever favorited, commented, watched me. it means the world to me that people enjoy my dumb dog art, it really really does. what i do is so incredibly insignificant, so it means everything that people would support it.

as always, these, other and char, are in no specific order!

even though riley and i don't frequently talk anymore, i still consider him a close friend. he's done a lot for me over the years, and i appreciate that he's still here after everything. i've done and said i'm pretty stupid things in the past, but he's been kind enough to give me another chance. riley, even if we've sort of grown apart, i'm so glad you've found people who love and care about you, because you really do deserve it. i still think you're a wonderful person and anyone who disagrees i just flat out wrong hJKGNS i don't know everything that's happened for you, but i really hope next year is a good year for you. like i said last year, i'm looking forward to seeing how you improve and grow next year as well!

CHAMPlON and DreamlingDivination
oh gosh you guys; these two have been so incredibly kind to me over the year. they have attended almost every stream i've done, and it really means a lot. i had voiced my worries during streams before, about how i had lost confidence to stream since no one really seemed interested, but these two always came to fill the chat. i've said it before, but it genuinely means so much to me that you guys are interested in watching char and i goof off while i should be drawing dkgjns you two have made my streams brighter, and i hope you know how much i appreciate your support. thank you for the fun meme-filled streams!

sandy01234 Orcasharks pvzzle pacifistpeach and capsulenexus 
i'm putting you guys here together as you've all been with me for, like, ever, and still have still stuck with me. you've seen me be terrible and you've seen me grow up and improve, and it means a lot that you guys still think i'm worthwhile to hang around. you've all been so kind to me and even if we don't talk too often, i really appreciate the support you've given me over the years. you've watched me become who i am today, and i'm so thankful to have people like you around.

stormshibe and pawszii 
aA goSh; these two were people i think i got closer with this year! they've both been so extremely kind to me all year, and have supported me a lot! ally has been nonstop sweet to me ever since i met her; she's literally possibly the sweetest person i know?? and trick has been so kind to me as well !! he's been so sweet, what with me admiring him for such a long time dkgjsn i really appreciate both of your kindness and watching both of your art improve this year was such a pleasure. thank you both so much for everything you've done for me.

RiotBaka and 3AM-ISSUES 
you two are both people that have supported me a lot, even though i'm bad at talking dkgsnj i really really appreciate you guys and how much you've done for me, and i'm sorry i'm kind of bad at communicating often. your support and kindness mean everything to me though, and seeing you both improve more and more each month is such a joy. thank you so much for everything you've given me and i hope the new year is even better.

wOW WE SURE GOT CLOSE THIS YEAR FKHKGS really though, even before we began dating this year, avery had shown me nothing but kindness as well. he's also been around a long time and saw me at my worst and still thought i was someone worth being around. he never fails to make me smile or laugh, and meeting him was maybe one of the best things to ever happen to me. he's such a sweet person, and i really couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. frankly, i tend to think i'm not a great person, but whatever you see in me, i'm glad to be with you. and you may not see what i see in you either, but you're such a strong and lovely person, and i'm so glad to have met you and become this close with you. you've been so patient and understanding with me, and i really really appreciate you being here with me and everything you've done for me. i love you a whole lot, and i hope that we can continue to be close next year as well. no matter what, i appreciate your support and all you've given me.

so look; i know i always give char a huge paragraph, but i really mean it when i say char is my best friend and soulmate, and she means absolutely everything to me. char has been here for a long time, and has done nothing but support me and love me, even in the time we hadn't been talking. as i mentioned before, i went through some rough times this year with college. multiple times i had messaged char a big long wall of text about how i was feeling, and she had accepted me and been there to comfort me. i do mean it when i say that char pulled me out of some really tough times, and has been this pillar (haha) of support for me for years now. she's someone i trust completely and i know i can rely on no matter what. i know i can be difficult sometimes, but she's stuck with me through everything and i couldn't ask for a better friend than her. char, i know i tell you it all the time, but i really love you and you're my best friend no matter what. i only hope i can be as good a friend to you as you are to me. and also you can't ever not be my friend bc now you know too much ab me and if we ever stopped being friends while u have that info on me, i would have to be forced to silence u somehow but its ok u can do the same to me
also next year u have to pay me a penny each and every time u tell me "hold onto what"
really though, i love you and thank you again for everything you've done for me, from the years before, to this year, to the years to come.

yknow i think i kind of end up thanking the same people each year dkgjsk
i know it gets old hearing me say it all the time, but i really do mean it every time i do; i appreciate everything everyone's done for me, and all the support i've been so fortunate to have
so with that, thank you all! happy new years everyone! thank you for helping me end this year strongly!
i don't have any resolutions since i'm bad at keeping them, but i hope for those of you who do, that you're able to do them!
please look forward to my improvement in 2019! and be on the look out for a commissions journal in the next few weeks ;3c

here's to 2019 and a hope for better years to come!
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2017 sap

11 min read
hEY ari's back at it with the annual sap
hope u guys are ready bc i have sO much to talk about
here we go my dudes

wow this year has gone by fast
i think every year, i have trouble separating things that have happened this year and things that happened the previous year, but i think its even more so true with this year
but there was a lot of down time for me to sorta work on myself yknow
i know we're all waiting for the bulk of the sap where i tag everyone so i'll get my thoughts out on the other stuff already

art-wise, i'd like to think i've improved quite a bit
i really started getting the hang of using my tablet and poses were a huge work in progress this year
i'm still working on them, but i think i'm getting better at them
throughout the end of the year, i started trying different things - line thickness, different shading/lighting effects, etc; its not too noticeable but hey
for all my complaining about my own art, i am fairly satisfied with where i am and where i'm going,, i really really hope that next year is a good art year

as for myself; it's been one weird fuckin year in the Me department
admittedly, i've definitely had worst years, but this year i really had a ton of ups and downs
but for the most part, my depression let up a bit; i found myself able to smile and laugh and just generally feel safe in being happy more
i think the main drop i had was during summer, and i cant really explain it; its something i understand for myself, but it sounds kinda dumb explaining it to others
but the basic gist of it was that i spent a hell of a lot of time in my room, not going anywhere and just being alone with my thoughts
i'd spend rows of days alone in my room, sick of doing everything i wanted to do and sick of simply being in the room, and not even having the energy to go out like i wanted
its complicated and it was incredibly unbelievably frustrating for me, but hey

i should mention that 2018 is such a goddamn surreal number
if i can get a little honest here, when i was around 14-16, i didn't really think i'd live this long
i thought i would have given up by then
but to get positive off that, i kept pressing on and i think i'm a lot better
i sort of had some revelations this year about my mental health and my own depression; it's not all gone or anything and i still get intrusive thoughts, but its much better than years before

and to piggyback off those thoughts, i've worked on becoming more confident and outgoing
i mean i can't really fully change my introvert-ness but i think i'm slowly getting better at putting myself out there!

i think i spent a lot of time with friends this year, and that's likely what made it so much better
irl, nothing too big happened, but particularly online, i think i've made progress
i got a lot closer to my friends through my streams and my private server
not to mention how close char and i got this year; we've always been close, but i think this year really brought us together and i have so much love and appreciation for her man
i made a couple new friends this year, too! of course i'm still awkward and tend to sort of keep to myself still, but i've been doing better i think!!

overall, this year was a lot better than 2016 i think??
i know this is only for me and i know some people had much much worse years, but this was a year of self recovery and self improvement and just self evaluation in general
i really really hope next year has even more self improvement in store too!
and getting closer to my friends!!

annnnd speaking of friends, its that time of year fellas
there's gonna be a lotta tags so let's just get right into it
as always, i leave char for last since i always have the most to talk ab her and the others are in no order!

we didn't talk too much throughout the year, but I kept watching from the sidelines to check on you! I'm sorry I'm not always there for you, but as I've told you plenty times before, you're so strong. This year has been really rough for you, and you've been through so much heartbreak. But you always stay sweet and kind to everyone, and you have such a strong sense of justice. You're incredibly admirable and I think you're an amazing person. Hopefully next year we can talk more!

mY DUDE. We got closer this year! You literally always make me laugh, and I've told you before, but you're one of the funniest people I know! But aside from that, you're incredibly kind to everyone around you. You always work to make everyone smile and laugh, and you're such a cool person. I've always looked up to you, and I still do. As much as I praise your art, in all seriousness, I really do admire your art. You're so incredibly talented and you're not afraid to try different things with your art! You're such a cool person and I'm really looking forward to talking more and seeing what amazing art you make next year!

we didn't talk too much either this year, but that's okay! You're such a wonderful person to be around! You're so full of positivity and never fail to make me smile. You're so amazingly sweet and your art just continues to improve with each drawing! I hope we can become closer next year, and I can't wait to see your art improve next year too!!

I know you don't use your deviantArt too much anymore, but heY. I forget how long we've been friends honestly, and how much I've seen you grow. Even if we aren't as close as we used to be, I always enjoy seeing you on my twitter timeline and seeing how passionate you are for the things you love. You're such a kind person and you've really grown over the years. I'll likely repeat some of the stuff I've told you before, but you're always working to better yourself. You're so aware of yourself and the people around you, and I think it's pretty amazing. You're always surrounded by people who love you and it's really amazing to see. Things have been rough for you this year too, but you've kept going and keeping your head high, and I'm so proud of you. You're so strong and I can't wait to see how you grow next year, too!

aH the meme dealer. Like plenty of people in this list, you've stuck around for a long time and got to see me grow. We've really gotten closer through streams and the server, and you're such a cool person, too! You're an incredibly funny person and I always love talking with you. You've also grown a lot since we first met! Even if you don't draw as often, your art is still amazing and I still look up to you a lot. You and Heiia both bring A+ quality memes and you're such a joy to be around.

The server! (particularly the ones who are super active!)
KataKIIysm CHAMPlON DreamlingDivination 3AM-ISSUES (+heiia and blizzy, but you got a thing already, and +char but ur comin up)
All of you,
thank you so, so much for making the server such a lively and enjoyable place to be. I initially created the server with the hope of having a big group chat of friends, and you guys gave me just that! The server is sort of a safe place for me; a place where I can go when I'm down and just be around friends. You guys always have perfect memes and I'm so glad you guys enjoy the server as much as I do! You're all pleasant to talk to, and have made my night multiple times since the server was made. You guys always bring such positivity to my day via pictures of your pets, positive reminders, and just general chats in general! I can't thank you guys enough for all you bring to the server. I hope the server continues to be a fun place for next year, too!

and of course a novel for the best fry forever
you'd think after all these years, I'd run out of things to say about you, but of coURSE I HAVEN'T. You've been around for such a long time, and you've seen all sides of me. We've had periods of time where we don't talk, but then we're right back like nothing ever happened. This year, we've grown so much closer somehow?? But really, you're such an incredibly sweet person who always tries to make everyone feel included and happy around you. You know when you need down time, and know when others need space, too. I admired you all those years ago, and I still do. You're always there for me, always here to brighten up my day. You're my safe blanket and someone I trust completely. You're my best friend, and platonic spouse, and you're such an important person in my life. You're my favorite person and I genuinely think I'd be in a much worse place if it wasn't for you. You always make me laugh and simply talking to you makes me smile. You're such a dazzling person and I feel completely comfortable with you and I feel like I can tell you anything, even my most embarrassing things, without being judged. Just spending time with you makes my day better, whether we're just chatting together, watching anime, streaming, or just doing something at the same time (that one time we were both playing papa's -ria games while watching Jack's livestream was such a memorable moment for me and I can't explain it; everything just felt perfect). I know I can trust you with anything. I love you so much and I couldn't ask for a better best friend. I say it all the goddamn time, but thank you so much for everything you've done for me, for just being here for me, for just being you. You've made my life so much better and will continue to make my life better. I love you so much and I look forward to next year with you!!

and with that, happy new years everyone! this year has been a ride and i hope everyone's ending 2017 on a high rather than a low.
and sorry for being slow with art lately! i've been taking a small break to relax and do some stress relief things like watching shows/anime and playing some games! i'll get back into it soon!

here's to 2018 and hoping it's an even better year!!
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2016 sap

12 min read
are u ready for annual sap
im a lil scatterbrained rn theres a lot im doing at once lmAo so this might seem a lil all over the place but
these get a lil long so prepare

so this year
like most years, i have a bad memory of what even happened this year honestly
through fall and into winter, it's sorta been a blur
the main highlight of my year was that i saw 21p live in concert and it was amazing
we moved earlier this year, i made up with some people i was originally in a rough patch with
and i got closer to some people
i started streaming a whole lot more and thus, i got to talk to my best friend a lot more, pulling us closer than ever
and soon, we'll be getting a dog

i had some rough patches throughout the year, but compared to other years, i think i did a lot better
i stayed content for most of the year and didn't really do much to myself
especially near the end of the year, i was really happy talking with my friends and getting to know people through streams and such

i think i've improved the most i've really ever improved this year, too, with the introduction to my tablet
i got used to that thing so fast and my art got a huge boost
i worked SO MUCH on new and interesting poses, and i'm still working on them, but ive gotten a lot better
i'm still trying new things out and right now, this is the most satisfied i've been with my art in a long time
the fact that i get frustrated when drawing my art tells me that i'm raising my standards for how my art looks and thus, i'm getting better
i'm happy with how my art looks, and i feel so proud whenever someone tells me they like my art

as for myself, i think i've changed a bit this year
i'm still the same old awkward, dorky person, but i have a better sense of my identity and i'm more comfortable with who i am
i mean, i don't think anything really beats the low i was at last year
but i was comfortable enough to bring back older characters who meant a lot to me, but were inactive-ated because they reminded me of things i didnt want to remember
i was comfortable bringing an old fursona who i spent hating for quite a while back and while i still make fun of her, i really am happy i brought her back
i think i matured a bit more this year, like i do most years

i think overall, while 2016 really wasn't the best year ever, i'm content with how it ended
there are still people who had a rough time in 2016, but personally, i like focusing on all the time i was truly content with everything and looking back, i really was content quite a bit
it may have been rocky near the beginning, but the end was pretty good and honestly, i'm looking to 2017 with high hopes, as usual

and of course, like every year, i want to give special thanks to my friends individually
i met some new friends this year, but i really want to thank the ones who have really been there for me and have stuck with me
the ones i've known for years and are still my friends really really really mean so, so much to me, more than i can say
i wish i could express how grateful i am for the people who still consider me their friend after so long
and these thank yous are really in no order, but as usual, charlotte is at the bottom with the longest thank you

we didn't talk too much these past years, but recently, you've been coming to every single stream of mine, and really, the streams aren't the same without you now. Even if we haven't talked too much before the streams, I still consider you one of my good friends. I've known you for a long time now, and you've seen the 2011-2012 me (i'm so sorry), and you're still here to this day. It means so much that you still hang out with me, and I really admire you and your art. I'm really glad we got to talk more this year.

we didn't meet until this year, but I'm really glad we did. Even though we aren't as close, I still think you're a really great and sweet person and I consider you a good friend of mine too. I only met you earlier this summer, but even in that amount of time, you've improved so much (really, i can't keep up with your improvement holy shit) and you've become an even sweeter and wonderful person to talk to. You're such a pleasant person, and I really hope we can talk more next year!

while admittedly, we haven't talked all too much recently, I still consider you a close friend. You've been here a really really long time, and you're still here. Like Blizzy (and a lot of people on this list, really), you've seen the younger me and somehow didn't leave. You've always fun to talk to and you've improved so, so much, even if you don't think so. You're a really caring and kind person, again, even if you don't think so, and I'm really glad we're still friends.

we've known each other for quite a few years now (a lot longer than i realize, actually holy shit), and I'm surprised you're still around me honestly. But I really am glad we're still friends. You're a really great person to be around, and talking with you never fails to make me smile or giggle to myself. You've improved so much as well. I still have old art from you, and honestly, if I didn't know you, I would have never thought your old style belonged to you, looking at your new style. I love your art and I love talking with you. While we don't hang out as much nowadays, I'm glad we still talk often and I hope we can hang out more next year.

we haven't talked too much recently either, but you're always a really cool person to be around. You're always sweet and kind, and talking with you is always really fun. We've also known each other for a while now, and you've never failed to be super sweet to everyone around you. Being around you is always nice, and you have a really good sense of humor, too. You're brave and you're not afraid to stand up for others or for what you think is right, and I really admire that. Not to mention how amazing your art is. While we didn't talk much, I still really look up to you. I think you're a really great person and I hope we can become closer next year. Also I love Cookie she is a pure cinnamon roll tell her Happy New Year for me.

we didn't talk too much this year either, but we've known each other for a long time as well. You're also always really nice and you have some of the best advice. You're really logical and calm, but you're always fun to be around and talk with. Your art is really amazing as well, and looking back at your older art, you've really improved, too. I really hope we can become closer because you're a really cool person and I still really admire you man.

while we're maybe not as close, you're still a huge inspiration to me. Your art is really really amazing, and your paintings blow me away every single time. You're always funny and kind and just a fun person to be around. We don't talk too much, but I feel like that might be on my part, since I consider you a level higher than me lmAo. But you're really such a cool person and I really do admire you, and I still consider you a close friend of mine. i really hope we can talk more next year as long as I don't chicken out.

this year, we really became a lot closer. You've got such a positive attitude whenever I talk to you, and you're such a kind and caring person. You always remind me that you love me and really, it brightens my day. You're super sweet and everyone around you can agree that you're such a nice person to be around. I'm really really glad we became closer and that I can even call myself your friend. And of course, your art is amazing and always improving! I hope we can stay close and even closer next year!

we're not as close either, but I still consider you a good friend. You're always so sweet and considerate of others around you, and you're so ready and willing to do anything for the ones you care about. You're a really relaxing person to be around and I really admire you, too. Not to mention your art. You've gotten so good with your art and your improvement has really picked up. I love talking with you, and I hope we can talk more soon.

we didn't talk too much until recently, but we've known each other for a loong time as well. You knew me back in the Risk days as well (bless ur soul), and you still hang around me. You also come to a lot of my streams, and I'm really glad we got to talking again. You always have really great advice, not to mention the copious amount of information you have, whether it's refs, regular knowledge, or anything. You're always kind and caring, and I appreciate that you're still here after so long. I really hope we can talk more soon!

and of course,

As always, I have the most to say about you. Which is surprising, since I've already said so much about you. I've known you (or rather, about you) probably the longest, all the back before I even got a dA, 2010, when I watched your videos. I admired you so, so much and like I've said countless times, I still admire you. You've been the best friend I could ever ask for - you're always so thoughtful of others and you're always so eager to make everyone around you happy. You've got such a cheery personality and it pains me whenever you're sad or hurting. You mean so much to me, and I'm so thankful that you've stuck with me for so damn long. You've always been here for me and I'm glad I can contribute even a little into your life. I'm so proud of you for making it this far with everything you've had to deal with, and you're so much stronger after everything. You really mean the world to me, and I don't know where I'd be if you weren't here. I'm grateful every single day for you and I'm so glad the right circumstances were met for us to meet and become friends. I care about you so much, please don't ever forget that. You're my best friend and I couldn't make it without you. I'm not a religious person, but I really do feel blessed to have you in my life (as cheesy as that sounds). I can never thank you enough for all you've done for me, even if it's just messaging me about your boyfriend every day or talking to me about dogs or anything. I'm sure I've said it enough to make your ears bleed and as long as we're friends, I'm sure you'll hear it 5,000 more times, but really, thank you, so, so much, for everything. Thank you.

annd that concludes another sap for this year
not to mention my irl friends too, though they got notes with thier christmas presents lmAo
this one might have been even longer than last year's wow
thank you, not only to the people mentioned, but for the people that have shown interest in being my friend or in my art, too
and to the people who have drawn me anything, whether it's a commission, an art trade, or a gift, thank you so much
i'm so grateful to have so many people i can rely on
you all mean so much to me, and i can't properly express how thankful i am in words

while 2016 wasn't the best year (though no year is ever perfect honestly), i made a lot of progress with my art and my friends this year
this is just another year down guys
we're all still here and that's what matters
thank you all again, so much for another year

here's to 2017 everyone<33
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2015 sap

10 min read
i planned on doing sappy stuff earlier but i forgot oops
so heres the sap get ready
you know how this journal is serious?
i used capital letters

alright lets do this

So, this is my 4th year on deviantart. In 4 days, it'll be my 5th.
And man, it's been a ride.
Some things are the same, some things are completely different, and I'm not just talking about this website's design.
People have come and gone, and people have changed for good and for worse.
I like to think I've sort of grown a bit. I've definitely matured, anyway. 
And I definitely like to think my art has improved.

I've lost a lot of friends, as well.
But at the same time, I've gained a lot of friends, too.
There's few friends that have stuck with me for this long.
But the ones that did, I can't thank you enough.
And thank you to all my watchers, whether active or not. Whether you watched me just because I watched you and felt obligated to watch back, or because you genuinely liked my art, thank you.
Just the fact that you felt like you need to watch me out of my over-kindness or the fact that you really liked me art, means a lot.
I'm kind of a sensitive and emotionally person, and while I'm thankful for my watchers, I thank my friends especially.
The ones that have been here for me, comforting me and helping me anytime I was down.
The ones that haven't been close to me recently, but still comforted me when it got bad.
The ones that have left me behind. The ones that I've left behind.
I thank anyone that I knew for putting up with me.
I thank anyone I know now for putting up with me.
Even though it's only been 4 - soon to be 5 - years, it's been amazing, even with the major downs.

I've been through a lot on this site.
I've loved this site, I've hated this site.
But I always stayed. Maybe it was because I needed somewhere to express my art hobby. Maybe it was because deviantArt has been in my system for so long.
But more than likely, it's because of all of you.
I don't often get mean comments towards me, or my art.
Sometimes, people who don't even watch me will comment nice things on my art.
More than sometimes, people who have much, much better art than me will sometimes comment on my art.
My heart goes out to all of the people who have supported me through everything. 
Through all my internal conflicts and childish emotions and problems.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so, so much. I wish I could do something for all of you, but there's somewhere over 1000 of you, so I don't think that's possible.
Just please know that I appreciate all of you, so much. You've made the shittiness of deviantArt so much better. You've given me a reason to keep going.

And, of course, to my friends.
To my friends that have been here for me.
To my friends that have supported me.
To my friends that played my conscience.
To my friends that have loved me.
I thank you all, from the very bottom for my heart and every bit of my body.
I couldn't ask for a better family than you guys.

So, I'm going to write something for my closest friends. Each of you.
I would apologize to anyone who didn't get something written for them here, but the ones I've written to here have been here for me through thick and thin. They really deserve it. Even if it isn't much, I hope it can show you guys a little of how much you mean to me.

These don't really have a specific order except for the last one, so.

Savvy, I guess we haven't talked as often recently. But you've been here for a really long time. And can I just say, your art has improved SO MUCH since I first met you. You've always been really nice to me and to everyone around you. I don't know you too well, but you're a really approachable person. You're also the reason I got a Flight Rising, so that's super cool. Even though we don't talk too often, I really appreciate that you put up with me. I know some of my problems are dumb and ridiculous, but you still try to give me advice anyway, and I really really admire that. You honestly give some of the best advice I've gotten. Thank you, so much.

Kate, I guess putting this on deviantArt isn't the best place, as you aren't primarily on dA. I know I don't normally get sappy and emotional and stuff with you (or actually I do), but I appreciate your friendship. We don't really fight about anything, which is surprising, considering how much time we hang out together + going to school together. You're a really cool person and, if I'm honest, I kind of admire you. You're a really cool person and I know you go through a lot, so I really appreciate that you put up with my dumb stuff. Thank you, so much.

Eren, recently, we've gotten pretty close. You're always hilarious and fun to be around. Sharing interests in Neko Atsume is always fun. We haven't known each other too long, but the time I've known you, I really admire you. Maybe that's hard to see, but you're a really cool person and you're super approachable. You're a really great person and have managed to cheer me up on more than one occasion. You always try to help me when I'm feeling down, and I appreciate that more than I say. Thank you, so much.

Kae, we've known each other for quite some time. You've always been super sweet to me and have shown me nothing but kindness. You're always really understanding, even when I feel like there's no reason for you to be, ahaha. Even when I'm sad, you still try to cheer me up. I hope I can be there as much as you're there. I really, really do appreciate you. Just your presence, honestly. Talking to you is like, really cozy, I guess? Maybe that's weird. Either way, I really enjoy talking to you. Thank you, so much.

Runin, we're known each other for a really, really long time. Even though there have been gaps here and there, I've always really, really admired you. You're always really nice to me, and, even if you don't believe it, to other people, too. Maybe I don't show it too often, but I really do care about you. You're one of the people that have been here since the beginning, and I really appreciate you sticking around. I wish I could show how much I appreciate your friendship. Thank you, so much.

And last, but far from least, CocoaBunns 
Charlotte. I've said it so many times, but I don't think it'll ever be enough. Thank you. You've been here the longest, excluding my irl friends. I've known you before I even joined deviantArt. I still remember vividly how we became friends. I used to admire your speedpaints and videos in general on YouTube so much, and when I got my own YouTube account, I was so excited to comment. And, much to my surprise, you responded. And the rest is history. You've stuck around the longest; you've seen the old me, you've seen me on my bad days, you've, well - seen me. Not in person, though, one day, hopefully, you will. You've always been there for me. You've put up with my dumb ramblings about dumb things, and listened when I needed someone to listen. You were my first true friend on the internet, and I can't believe you've stuck around this long. We've known each other around 5 years now, according to your YouTube comments. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you. You're my best friend, and I don't think I'd still be here if it weren't for you. You've helped me more than you realize. Simply talking to you brightens up my day. Listening to your ramblings about Lewis, or hearing you talk about your dogs, or anything. You're understanding and so kind and caring, and I couldn't ask for a better friend. I'm so glad I can be a part of your life. Not to mention helping you and Lewis confess to each other. I love you, man. Thank you for everything, and for more to come. Thank you, so, so much, Char.

I love you all, so much. You all share a special place in my heart that not a lot of people get to.
Thank you guys for everything.
Here's to 2016, and more years to come.

Thank you all, with every fiber of my being, thank you.

Have a great day!

art by masonella
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2019 sap by starbullets, journal

2018 sap by starbullets, journal

2017 sap by starbullets, journal

2016 sap by starbullets, journal

2015 sap by starbullets, journal