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Carol's Really Gay Story (feat. War Lilac)

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WARNING: This story contains foul language, sex jokes, several varieties of distasteful humor, toxic relationships, heterosexuals, interdimensional travel, really sharp knives, and other things that will probably offend somebody. Also it’s just generally the worst thing ever. Reader discretion is advised.


Somewhere at some point on Avalice probably, Team Lilac (which included Torque and Spade don't question it) was sitting around in the treehouse being bored. Lilac was reading a book, Torque and Spade were channel surfing, and Milla was spinning around in a swivel chair. Well, not everybody was sitting around, actually. Carol was doing something completely different.

"I'M GAY!!" Carol exclaimed, stomping through the treehouse loudly. "I'M SO FREAKING GAY! YOU'VE NEVER MET A PERSON GAYER THAN CAROL THE WILDCAT!!"

She marched into the living room, shouting, "I FEEL THE NEED TO PROPERLY EXPRESS JUST HOW EXTREMELY GAY I AM!" Leaping in front of Lilac's chair, she spat, "LILAC!!" and Lilac didn't so much as blink. "MAKE OUT WITH ME!"

"No," Lilac responded flatly, turning over a page in her book.

Carol slumped over. "Whaddya mean 'No'?"

"I mean 'No'," Lilac said.

"Oh, come on!" Carol threw her arms into the air. "Don't try to tell me that you're straight now!"

"I'm not straight," said Lilac matter-of-factly. "I'm pansexual."

Carol's brow furrowed, and she stared at Lilac like she had two heads. "You wanna screw a pan?"

"NO!!" Lilac chucked her book at Carol's head, and she dropped to the floor with a THUD. Carol muttered an "ow," and Lilac sighed. "It means I don't care what's in your pants."

"Isn't that just bisexual?" Carol questioned from the floor.

"Ha! No." Lilac pointed at Spade, who waved casually. "Spade is bisexual. Pansexual has more variety and thus is very interesting. Unlike Spade."

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” said Spade.

"Ohhhhh," said Carol as she sat up, rubbing her head. "Well, if you don't care what's in my pants, then why won't you make out with me?"

"Because she doesn't like you that way, genius," said Spade, not looking up from the TV. With a smug smirk, he added, "Besides, she's into me."

Carol glanced back at Lilac, who averted her gaze and whistled. Carol scowled. "Oh, yeah. Because that makes sense."

"More sense than you screaming your sexuality to the world like a crazy person," said Spade.

"Well, this IS a jokefic..." Lilac muttered.

Carol groaned. "You know, I might have expected a little more sympathy from a house with zero straight people in it."

"I'm straight," said Torque.

All of the others stopped to stare blankly at him. He glanced around nervously, and meekly questioned, "What?"

"What about you, Milla?" Carol prompted, looking to the dog who had been spinning around so long it was shocking that she hadn't thrown up yet. "Will you make out with me?"

"Nope, sorry," Milla replied. "Asexual."

"I don't wanna bang you I just wanna kiss somebody."

"I'll kiss you," Torque offered.

Carol turned to glare at him, and he shrunk down, turning his attention back to the television.

"I wish Neera were here," Carol declared. "Neera's all over the place with people. I bet she would make out with me."

"I bet she wouldn't," Milla chuckled.

"Carol, that's pedophilia," said Lilac.

"So?" Carol questioned.

"So, it's against the law. And Neera is kind of anal about laws."

"More than kind of," Milla corrected.

With a chortle, Lilac added, "She might make out with your sister, though."

"HSSBGHDFG WE DON'T TALK ABOUT HER" Carol screeched.

"What, do YOU want to make out with your sister?" Lilac challenged.

"HSSSSSSBGGHDHBDHG!!!!" Carol sputtered, and everybody burst out laughing.

"UGH, COME ON!" Carol shouted angrily, "IS THERE NO GIRL ON THIS PLANET WHO WILL MAKE OUT WITH ME?!!"

B A N G

"WAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!"

Carol blinked, then turned to Lilac. "Did you say something?" she asked. Lilac shrugged.

"I SAID, WAHAHAHAHAA!!"

The team stared out the window. The wahahaing was apparently coming from outside.

"...We should probably go check that out, shouldn't we?" said Lilac. Everybody looked around at each other and shrugged.

So the five of them climbed down the ladder and hopped down to the ground. What they found outside was an... interesting creature. This was most definitely the source of the wahahas.

"Ooh, Torque and Spadey too? I hit the jackpot!"

It was Lilac! A second Lilac. Kind of. Like, picture Lilac if she got .exe'd. Also she was holding a really sharp knife, so that's fun.

"Who are you?" Lilac asked.

"I'm you, but eviller!" second Lilac declared.

"That doesn't really answer my question..."

With a toothy grin, second Lilac raised her arms into the air. "I am War Lilac! Tremble in fear!"

Lilac, Carol, Milla, Torque, and Spade collectively blinked.

"War Lilac" lowered her arms, frowning and cocking an eyebrow. "Y'know, War Lilac? Dreaded warmonger of FP-115? Pulled a meteor-sized spaceship out of the sky and nearly blew up an entire continent?" As the five before her exchanged glances, War Lilac tried, "Ever heard of 'Freedom Dies With Me'?"

All five shook their heads.

War huffed. "Alright, forget it." She pointed her really sharp knife at them. "I'm here to take over your dimension."

“How are you going to do that?” Lilac questioned.

War Lilac snapped her fingers. For a moment, Team Lilac was confused as to exactly what that was supposed to have accomplished. Then they turned around to see that the treehouse was suddenly on fire.

“Oh,” said Lilac, and she and all of the others turned back to War Lilac. "Okay then. Well… Why would you want to take over our dimension, anyway?"

"Because..." War Lilac replied, "I'M MOTHERFUCKING WAR LILAC!!!!"

Lilac gasped overdramatically. "Language!!"

"Shut the fuck up." War Lilac pointed her really sharp knife harder and more threateningly. "Now, who wants to die first?!"

Lilac, Milla, Torque, and Spade collectively took a large step back, making Carol the one at the front. Carol glanced back at them, then sighed deeply. “Man, I really don’t wanna deal with this right now…" she grumbled. "I just wanna go back to screaming about the fact that I’m gay.”

War Lilac blinked, eyes wide and expression flat. “Wait. What did you just say?”

Carol blinked, glancing around as if she wasn’t sure War Lilac was actually talking to her. Then she met War Lilac’s scary black and red gaze, and answered, “Uh… I’m gay?”

War Lilac gasped overdramatically, and within moments, the really sharp knife was on the ground and she was embracing a very, very confused Carol.

“Ooh, you have NO idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear those words come out of that mouth~!” War Lilac sang, stroking Carol’s fur affectionately. Carol cocked an eyebrow at her as she continued, “Sooooo many dimensions, and FINALLY I found one!”

“What?! WHAT?!” Lilac shrieked, and she stomped over and punched War Lilac in the face, knocking her away from Carol. “What do you think you’re doing?!”

“Wow, rude!” said War Lilac. “Can't a girl show a cute cat some affection?”

“Not when it’s Carol!” said Lilac, while Carol awkwardly patted the spot that War Lilac had been touching. “What’s your deal?”

War Lilac grinned, clapping her hands together. “My deal is that I’ve FINALLY found a Carol who I can actually get with.” Becoming frustrated suddenly, she said, "Seriously, you have NO idea how hard it is to find a decent gay Carol in this stupid multiverse. They’re all either taken or not into bad girls. I mean, there's the one from that weird anime Harambe whatsit dimension, but she tried to kick me in the face, so that's out of the question. And then there's the one with that girl-boy Lilac..."

"That's transphobi—"

"Shaddup Torque. I'm pretty sure she's bisexual, but actually she's probably just confused. Ooh, and then there's that Hunter cutie! But she's too busy snogging her own Lilac to notice me."

"I wanna snog a Lilac," said Carol.

War Lilac smirked. "Well, you can snog THIS Lilac~"

"Ooh!"

"No." Lilac knocked Carol on the head, and Carol whimpered. "There will be no snogging." Lilac took a fighting stance, and Milla, Torque, and Spade followed her lead. "If you want to take over this dimension, you're going to have to go through us!"

War Lilac frowned, unimpressed. "Right. Well..." She picked her really sharp knife back up, and the team tensed. They stared War Lilac down, and she stared back at them... until suddenly, in a flash, she had snatched up Carol and was booking it. "GOTTAGOCYA!!!"

"HEY!!" Lilac exclaimed, and Milla, Torque, and Spade gasped overdramatically. The four dashed off in the direction that she had gone.

AN AMOUNT OF TIME LATER:

War Lilac plopped Carol down in a seat in Shang Mu's royal palace, snickering to herself. Carol glanced around. The entire place was on fire. And yet, somehow, the two of them and the very long table they were in front of were completely fine. Carol glanced back to War Lilac, who was standing over her and grinning mischievously.

"Ah, Shang Mu~" War Lilac hummed. "You can always count on Mayor Zao to flop over like a domino."

"Uh, yeah," said Carol. "Kind of weird that we didn't actually see him..."

"Ehhhh, there's no room for him in the plot." War Lilac slipped a plate of slightly burned sushi to Carol and patted her on the head. "Here ya go, cutie. Knock yourself out."

War Lilac sat herself on the seat at the front, folding her legs casually on the tabletop. Carol picked up the chopsticks in front of her and placed a piece of sushi in her mouth, eyeing War Lilac with uncertainty all the while. War Lilac grinned back at her and flashed a wink, and Carol's ears flicked.

"So, uh, War Lilac..." Carol began.

"You can just call me War," said War. "Or Warry, or baby, or hot." She grinned, fluttering her scary eyelashes flirtatiously. "Whatever floats your corpse, hon."

"Mmhm..." Carol responded through a mouthful of food. She chewed and swallowed, then asked, "So... you're NOT going to kill me, then?"

"Kill you? Whatever gave you the impression that I was going to kill you?"

"'Who wants to die first.'"

"Oh. Yeah." War shrugged. "Well, you know, that was BEFORE I found out that you're gay." She lowered her feet to the ground and leaned across the table to boop Carol's snoot. "Which, mind you, is a TOTAL turn-on~"

Carol's eyes crossed as she looked down at War's finger against her nose, and her cheeks became a light pink. "So you're, like... ACTUALLY into me?"

"Absolutely!" War confirmed, tracing a finger along Carol's ear.

"And you're into me... because I'm gay?"

"Eh? No." War tapped a finger against her chin. "Well, kind of. I'm into you because you're a Carol, i.e. the cutest little wildcat in all of existence. And yet, out of all of the Carols I've come across, I've never met one desperate enough to get with me." She smirked, taking Carol's chopsticks from her. "That is, until today~"

Carol nodded slowly, eyeing the piece of sushi that War was now holding out to her. Carefully, she took it in her mouth, and War grinned with delight.

"So..." said Carol as she chewed, and War nodded attentively. "What you're saying is... You'll make out with me?"

War scratched her chin. "Hm, I don't know..." Then, she placed one hand against Carol's chest and grabbed her back with the other, leaning their faces VERY close together. "Is the sun going to explode one day?"

Carol grinned like an idiot.

MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE:

Lilac, Milla, Torque, and Spade stared up at the burning Shang Mu Palace. Even though it was still early in the day, the sky was now inexplicably pitch black. That made it spookier.

"Alright," said Lilac, "it's time to defeat War Me and save the world."

"And rescue Carol," Torque added.

"Yes, that too," said Lilac. "Now, does anybody have any ideas of how to go about this?"

"Ooh, I've got one!" said Milla. "I'll use my powers of asexuality!"

She placed her hands on her hips and stared out at absolutely nothing, standing completely still. Lilac, Torque, and Spade exchanged glances.

"Uh..." said Lilac, "what are you doing?"

"Abstaining."

Lilac's brow lowered. "Right. Okay." She turned to Torque and Spade. "Does anybody have any ACTUAL ideas of how we should go about this?"

"We could tell the Magister..." Torque suggested.

"HA!" Spade laughed. "Yeah, right. And what's he going to do, stare really hard out a window at her?"

"Well, he has an army..."

"Yeah, and a heck of a lot of good that army did the last time we were invaded."

"Fair point."

"What about Dail?" Lilac tried.

Spade groaned and rolled his eyes. "He's on vacation to the Southern Islands with his GIRLFRIEND."

Lilac groaned and rolled her eyes. "Freaking heteros..."

"You literally have a crush on Spade."

"Shaddup Torque."

"I say we just go in there and kick her in the face," said Spade.

"Don't you think that's a little forward?" Torque asked.

Spade shrugged. "Well, does anybody have any better ideas?"

Lilac and Torque exchanged glances. "Knock yourself out," said Lilac.

Spade smirked, cracking his knuckles. "Gladly." And he marched into the palace.

FIVE MINUTES LATER:

Spade trudged back out of the palace, his white fur stained almost completely black, and he stopped in front of the others and coughed. Lilac pinched out the little flame burning on his head.

"I take it she was the one who kicked you in the face?" said Lilac.

"I didn't even make it to her," growled Spade. "I couldn't get through the fire."

"Ouch," said Torque.

"Alright, so we need a new plan..." said Lilac, while Spade shook his fur out. "We're going to have to get through that fire."

"Thank you Captain Obvious..." Spade muttered.

"Alright!" said Lilac, pumping a fist in the air. "I know what we have to do." She scooped Milla up under her arm and said, "Come on Milla, time to get risky!" and Torque and Spade sighed tiredly as they all ran inside.

SEVEN MINUTES LATER:

"STOP RIGHT THERE, WAR LILAC!!"

War gasped overdramatically as Lilac, Milla, Torque and Spade busted in and took action poses. "That's impossible!!" War exclaimed. "How did you get through my fire?!"

"Torque can literally shoot water out of his gun."

War glanced to Torque, who was putting out dangerously close flames with his Water Buster.

"Oh," said War, "that wasn't an innuendo? Okay."

Lilac pointed at Carol. "Now Carol, step away from the creepypasta reject!"

Carol glanced at War beside her, then looked back to Lilac. Then she scowled. "Oh, you mean..." She draped an arm over War's shoulder. "...my new GIRLFRIEND??"

Lilac, Milla, Torque, and Spade gasped overdramatically, and War stuck her tongue out at them. "WHAT?!!" Lilac shrieked. "She can't be your girlfriend! She wants to take over the world!!"

"Everybody has their quirks."

"You've barely known her for half an hour!"

"True love has no time limit."

"She KIDNAPPED YOU!!"

"Ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?"

Lilac smacked her palm against her face. "Okay. You know what? I don't want to deal with this right now." She resumed her battle stance, and the others glanced around at each other, before resuming theirs as well. "Let's just get War out of the way and maybe Carol will come back to her senses."

"Right!" Milla, Torque, and Spade said in chorus.

"Ugh, these guys are annoying..." War muttered.

Carol sighed. "Try living with them."

Lilac scowled. "Carol you literally spent all morning screaming that you're gay.”

"Hey!! I'll have you know that's something that every normal gay person does!"

"NO!! NO, CAROL, THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT EVERY NORMAL GAY PERSON DOES!!"

"Well, it's something that this gay person does."

War snickered, scritching Carol's chin affectionately. "Well I think your obnoxiousness is adorable."

Carol grinned. "Well I think your evilness is pretty hot!"

"Gag," muttered Spade.

"Oh my god are we going to fight or not" Lilac groaned.

War frowned, removing Carol's arm from herself. She nuzzled Carol's ear and said, "You stay here while I take out the trash, okay sweetie?"

"Mmmmkay," said Carol.

War hopped on top of the really long table and whipped out her really sharp knife. "NOW WHO WANTS TO DIE FIRST?!!"

"Milla, Spade!" Lilac commanded.

"On it!" Milla and Spade exclaimed, and Spade scooped Milla up and chucked her at War. Milla crashed into her and they tumbled onto the ground. War tried to push Milla off of her, but that dog apparently had a very strong grip... And also very adorable pathetic eyes.

"AHHHHHH, MILLAS!!" War shrieked. "MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!!!"

"I thought I was your one weakness," said Carol.

"Well, you're the good kind of weakness. This is the bad one."

"Ohhhh, okay."

"You, uh, wanna give me a hand here, hon?"

"Oh. Yeah, sure, just a second."

Carol stuffed the last of her sushi into her mouth, then slipped out of her chair and pried Milla off of War. Then she hurled Milla back to the other side of the room, and she crashed into Lilac, knocking her over. Lilac grumbled.

"Well, that's enough risk for me," said Milla, picking herself up off of Lilac and starting to the door. "See you guys back home, if you're still alive."

"Wait, what?" Lilac said, standing back up. "You can't leave, we're not even halfway through the story!"

Milla shrugged. "Well, you know, the author doesn't like me very much, so sticking around too long runs the risk of being killed off."

Lilac, Torque, and Spade gave a collective "oh" and nodded understandingly. "She's not doing much for the plot anyway," said Spade.

"Alright," said Lilac, "cya Milla." And Milla waved and walked away. "Now, where were we? Oh, right. YOU!!" Lilac swung back around to where War and Carol were... only to find that they were gone.

"OH, COME ON!!"

MEANWHILE:

War had taken off with Carol in her arms, and the two were making their way up a really tall staircase.

"Where are we going?" Carol inquired.

"Telling you would spoil the surprise!" War responded. Touching her nose to Carol's, she added, "We wouldn't want that now, would we, darling?"

Carol hummed thoughtfully. "No, I guess not... Uh, you're not actually going to kill my friends, are you?"

War grumbled. "Ugh, you actually care about those asshats?"

"Well, y'know. Kind of."

War sighed. "Oh, alright, fine. I won't kill them. We could probably keep them as servants or something, though. Make them do your laundry and stuff."

"Oh, yeah!" Carol clenched her fists. "Serves Lilac right for always making me do the dishes."

War tittered. "Ooh, I love it when you see things my way~"

They came to the end of the really tall staircase, and War placed Carol down. They were outside now, standing on the roof. The sky was still dark and scary, and the building was still on fire. It was kind of romantic, in a very War sort of way.

"Lookie what I got," said War, grinning and pointing to the roof's center. Carol held a hand over her eyes so she could see better, while War dashed off and raised her arms into the air. Suddenly, the whole roof became illuminated, revealing an enormous, skyscraping and scary looking contraption of some sort.

"BEHOLD!!!!" War exclaimed. "My patented Take Over The World Machine, which I put here at some point apparently!"

"Ooh!" Carol's eyes lit up excitedly. "That's so cool! What does it do?"

"It takes over the world, of course!" War dashed back to grab Carol, then dragged her up to the machine's platform. "This baby right here is my free pass to domination. And now that I've got you..." War gripped Carol's wrists tightly, pulling her closer. "...it's yours too."

"R-Really?" Carol asked, grinning shakily.

"YES!" War exclaimed. She released Carol and marched up so that she stood against the landscape, darkness wide and fire burning around her. "I'll rule this dimension with this machine, a really sharp knife, and you as my queen," she declared, smile becoming twisted and maniacal. "You and I will watch this world burn and dance together on the ashes! The people with bow before us, cowering in the burning crimson of blood and passion! THIS WORLD WILL KNOW THE WRATH OF WAR LILAC!!! ALL THE FIRE IN HER HEART WILL EAT THIS DIMENSION ALIVE!!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!"

She ceased her cackling shortly, her body easing. Slowly, swaying as she went, she turned back around to face Carol, and put on a soft, vaguely dangerous smile. "Call me a dreamer, if you must..." War sighed. "...but I can make dreams come true. And all I need..." She approached Carol, who looked blankly up as her cheeks were taken in War's hands. "...is for you to share it with me. Say yes, and we'll rule this world, we'll rule EVERYTHING together." War leaned closer, running her hands down Carol's body, ending at her waist. "Just say yes."

For a moment, Carol was silent. She felt War's breath against her face. She could smell it too. It didn't smell very good. Then, once the moment had passed... Carol answered.

"Sure. Sounds fun."

War lit up. "YEESSSSSS!!!" She cried, taking Carol in her arms and ecstatically swinging her around. "YES, YES, YES!!!" She placed Carol back down, planted a kiss to her forehead, and Carol's face flushed, grinning goofily. "Oh, my lovely little Carol, you've made my whole year. Come on, come on! I'm done waiting, let's do this thing!!"

War led Carol to the machine’s control panel, then stepped back to the center of the platform. “Let us rule this world together now!!”

“Yeah!!” Carol cheered, pumping a fist in the air.

“IT'S TIME TO ACTIVATE THE MACHINE!!!!” War pointed at Carol, and shouted, “PULL THE LEVER, CAROL!!!”

Carol looked to the control panel, grabbed the first lever she saw, and pulled it down. Then the platform opened up beneath War and she fell.

“WRONG LEVERRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr…………!!!!!!!!”

Carol glanced down the opened platform and blinked. “Oops.”

MEANWHILE, DOWNSTAIRS:

Lilac, Torque, and Spade were sitting around at the really long table, eating sushi that they found somewhere. Also Lilac had a mug in front of her.

“Why didn’t we go after them again?” Torque asked.

Lilac chewed her sushi thoughtfully, then swallowed. “...Because the plot demanded it,” she answered.

“Oh, I thought we just decided to give up and await the cold embrace of death,” said Spade, poking at his own sushi with his chopsticks. “Or, warm embrace, I guess.”

“That would be nice,” said Torque.

“We probably SHOULD go after them…” Lilac sighed, picking her mug up, “but Shang Mu makes the BEST freaking sushi.”

Torque and Spade nodded in agreement. “True that,” they attested.

Then, all of a sudden, a yelling came from above. It started quiet at first, and then…

“.........aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!” C R A S H

War crashed into the really long table, the force of the impact snapping it in half. Torque and Spade gasped overdramatically.

“OH, CAN WE ALL JUST STOP IT WITH THE GASPING OVERDRAMATICALLY?!!”

Torque and Spade gasped overdramatically.

Lilac, meanwhile, took a long sip from her mug, staring vacantly at the fire burning around her with a knitted brow. Then she lowered the mug. "This is fine."

War slid off of the broken table and shook herself off, then narrowed her eyes at the others as they cast aside their sushi and resumed their action poses.

"What have you done with Carol?!" Lilac challenged.

War smirked sideways at them. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes," said Torque, nodding. "Yes we would."

Lilac sighed and rolled her eyes. "Don't mind him, he's straight."

"What does that have to do with anything?!" Torque whimpered.

"Look," said War, taking her really sharp knife back out and twirling it around. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I kind of have a world to take over and kitter to snog, so if ya'll could just—"

Lilac kicked War in the face.

"She fell from up there, so logically speaking that must mean that they were on the roof!" said Lilac. "You two, go find Carol while I take care of this thing!"

"Right!"

"What the fuck do you think you're calling a 'thing'?!"

While Torque and Spade dashed upstairs, War stood up and snarled at Lilac indignantly. "Ooh, you're getting on my nerves, you slimy saccharine sue!"

"That insult doesn't really work when I'm this out-of-character."

"SHUT UP!!" War stomped her foot. "I oughtta tear ya open and cut yer heart out with a spoon!!"

"Why a spoon?"

"BECAUSE IT'S DULL, IT'LL HURT MORE!!!!" Raising her really sharp knife over her head aggressively, she spat, "NOW GET OVER HERE SO I CAN SHIV YOU IN THE FACE AND FEED YOUR EYES TO THE BURNING PIGEONS!!!!"

"...Uh, you're not actually going to kill my friends, are you?"

War faltered. "Wait, what."

"You said you wouldn't kill them."

War scratched her cheek. "Eh-heh. Did I really say that?"

"Yeah. Pretty sure your exact words were 'Oh, alright, fine.'"

"But... She's right there! Looking so killable!"

"NO, Warry."

"Rrrrghh... CURSE YOU STUPID ADORABLE FLASHBACK CAROL VOICE IN MY HEAD!!!!"

Lilac cocked an eyebrow in bewilderment. "Wait, what??"

"I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!!!" War chucked her really sharp knife at Lilac's head. Lilac just barely ducked in time to avoid it, and it stuck in the flaming wall behind her. War blinked. "Oh." Then she blushed, chuckling nervously. "It's, uh, probably a good thing that missed." She took a fighting stance. "Alright, fine! I may not be allowed to kill you, but she never said anything about making every bone in your body snap like a dry twig!! En guarde, Good Me!"

"Yeah, okay," said Lilac, and the two dove for each other.

MEANWHILE, UPSTAI— OKAY YOU PROBABLY GET IT:

"CAROL!!!!"

Torque and Spade burst onto the roof, to find Carol playing with the Take Over The World Machine's control panel. She was pulling that lever up and down repeatedly and absently watching the platform panel open and close.

"Uh, Carol?" Spade questioned.

Carol looked up. "Oh, hey guys."

"What are you doing?" Torque asked.

"Just waiting for my new girlfriend to show up again," Carol replied, turning her attention back to the control panel. "I'm sure she'll be back in a couple minutes."

Torque and Spade exchanged glances, then looked back to Carol. "Uh," said Spade, "hate to burst your bubble, but you're 'new girlfriend' is kind of busy being kicked in the face by Lilac right now."

"What?" Carol stopped pulling the lever, staring instead at the boys. "Why is she fighting Lilac?"

"Well, you know..." said Torque. "She wants to take over the world."

"Right," said Spade. "So why don't you just step away from the big weird thing that I'm not even going to bother questioning and come back with us!"

"We've got sushi," Torque offered, holding up the plate of sushi that he still had apparently.

"No, you guys don't get it!" Carol exclaimed. "War said she'd let me rule the world with her! She said that she'd let me be her queen and then we'd watch everything burn together." Grinning, scratching her chin and blushing slightly, she added, "And then she kissed me."

"Gag," muttered Spade.

Torque sighed. "Okay, so let me get this straight..."

"More like let me run this BI y—"

"Not now Spade. You care more about this crazy weird other-universe Lilac who wants to kill everybody and take over the world than you do about your own friends?"

"Well, yeah," said Carol. "You guys all suck."

"Even Lilac?" Torque asked.

"Well, she kind of threw a book at my head 4,395 words ago, so."

"Even Milla?"

"Yes. Milla is terrible and I hate her."

"Wow, she must be serious!" Torque exclaimed.

"Alright, fine," said Spade. "If you won't come with us, we'll just have to drag you away ourselves!"

"Alright, fine!" said Carol, clenching a fist. "If you want to drag me away yourselves, you're going to have to fight me first!"

Spade smirked and cracked his knuckles, and both he and Torque took fighting stances. "Gladly."

Then something buzzed in Spade's pocket.

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CAN NOT LIE! YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY! WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU GET—"

"Whoop. Sorry, I have to take this."

"Huh?" Torque questioned, and Spade walked away to answer his phone. Then Carol tackled Torque, and the two tumbled across the roof, screaming all the way.

"Hello? Hey Dail, what's up?" A loud sobbing came from the other end of the line, and Spade recoiled. "Woah, woah, okay, what the hell. What's wrong? Your... Your girlfriend is CHEATING ON YOU? Well what the hell? Who does she think she is?" He paused to listen to Dail's answer. Then his face contorted. "NEERA?? Why the hell would you want to date Neera?? She's a bitch."

He glanced back at the commotion going on behind him. Carol hurled herself at Torque again, only for him to side-step away. He pointed his gun at her nervously, and Carol smirked sarcastically at him. She walked up and smacked the gun out of his hands, and he muttered an "oh." Then she kicked him in the face.

Spade turned back around. "Alright, alright, okay, whatever. Look, just... sue her, or something. You're the King of Shuigang, you can do that, right? I mean, yeah, you're not married, so it's not TECHNICALLY adultery, but... Well, yeah, I know she works for the Magister, but—" He chuckled. "Dude, trust me on this, you do NOT have to worry about starting a war right now. Look, it's not like you'd be suing Mayor Zao or something. Not that that would actually be very difficult right now... Okay, whatever, fine, don't sue her then. Do you even know who it is? That she's cheating on you with. Ah—" He listened to Dail's answer, and his face contorted again. "...You CAN'T be serious. Wow, okay. That's a major dick move on several levels. Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, I'll tell her."

He lowered the phone and placed his hand over the mic. "Hey, Carol?"

"WHAT?!!"

"Neera is cheating on my brother with your sister."

"WELL FUCK NEERA, THEN!!!!"

Spade blinked, then lifted the phone back up. "She said 'well fuck Neera, then.'" He glanced to the side, brow furrowed. "Well I mean, it's not COMPLETELY out of the question..."

"SPAAAAAAAAADE!!!!"

Carol had found a handheld gatling gun somewhere and, while cackling maniacally, opened fire on a running, screaming Torque.

"Yeah, just a second!" Spade called. "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Just... figure something out, alright? Alright. Yeah. Love you too bro. 'Kay. Cya."

Just as he hung up, Lilac appeared and Dragon Boosted Carol in the face. "Oh," said Spade. "Well that makes my life easier."

"Ow, what the heckie?!" Carol exclaimed.

"STAY DOWN!!" Lilac spat.

War, meanwhile, trudged her way up from the really tall staircase, huffing and puffing. "Ugh! FUCK THESE FUCKING STAIRS!!!!"

Carol waved from the ground. "Hey babe."

"Hi sweetie. AND FUCK THAT FUCKING GOOD ME TOO!!!! BEING FASTER THAN ME AND SHIT!!!!"

"What the heck is that thing?" Lilac questioned, pointing up at the Take Over The World Machine.

"Oh, that's just my Take Over The World Machine," said War. "It's going to help me take over the world."

"Riiiiiiiiight." Lilac took a fighting stance, aiming herself at the machine. "Well, it won't be doing anything after this!"

"HOLD UP!!!!" Carol scrambled back to her feet, taking up the gun that she had found and aiming it at Team Lilac's remaining three, all of whom recoiled. "Nobody's doing anything!" Carol exclaimed. "Except her!" She nodded to War.

"Ooh~!" War sang, strolling up and patting the gun in Carol's hands. "You found a 7.62×51mm six-barrel NATO minigun with 6000 rounds per minute!" Then she blinked, her face scrunching up. "Why do I know that?"

"I don't know, but it made Torque cry like a baby, so it's good enough for me," said Carol.

Lilac and Spade glanced at Torque, who shrunk down. "I did NOT cry like a baby!" he cried like a baby.

"Uh-huh," said Carol.

War grinned, patting Carol on the head. "Well well welly well well, it looks like you goody-goodies aren't going anywhere with this thingo pointed at you!" She cackled, and Lilac, Torque, and Spade tensed nervously. "Yeah, that's right. One wrong move and all of you are getting loaded with 6000 rounds of motor-powered lead!" She grumbled. "Seriously, why do I know that?"

"So I'm doing a good, right?" Carol asked.

War chuckled and leaned over so she and Carol could nuzzle each other. "Oohoo, you're doing a great, honey. Keep up the good work."

"Nyea >:3"

"NOW!!" War raised a fist into the air. "IT'S TIME TO ACTIVATE THE MACHINE!!!!"

"Yeah!!" Carol cheered. "It's time to activate the machine!!"

"YEAH!!!" War exclaimed. Pointing at Team Lilac, she said, "And as long as you twerps are frozen with fear, THERE'S NOTHING ANYBODY CAN DO TO STOP US!!!!"

Zap.

Suddenly, a little shot of plasma flew down and pierced the weird fancy gun clean through, rendering it useless. War and Carol blinked in unison. "Oh.'

"STOP RIGHT THERE, WAR LILAC!!"

War gasped overdramatically. Then she caught herself. "Ugh, dammit, I'm still doing it."

Standing amongst the roof's flames was a figure, dressed in rather amusingly colored armor and somehow appearing sideways in midair. They had an arm held out, with smoke emitting from the heavy-looking lazer gauntlet on it. They tapped a couple buttons on their gauntlet and turned right-side-up, and then removed their helmet, revealing themself to be— Lilac! Well, Zilac, technically.

"Oh my god how many of me are there" Lilac muttered.

"Zone Cops!" War snarled. "How did you find me?!"

"Easy!" said Zilac. "I read the script!"

War blinked at her incredulously. "This is a fanfiction. There is no script."

Zilac blinked. "Well, I... read the fanfiction, then?"

"That doesn't make any se—"

Zilac fired at War, and she yelped, quickly stepping aside to avoid the blast.

"Sash Lilac of FP-115, AKA War Lilac," Zilac declared, sounding like she was trying way too hard to be professional, "on multiple accounts of property damage, manslaughter, resisting capture, escaping capture, illegal possession of universe-jumping technology, illegal use of universe-jumping technology, attempted world-takeover, successful world-takeover, and foul odor, you are hereby under arrest and sentenced to indefinite time in Zone Jail. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!" War defiantly whipped out her really sharp knife... or at least she would have, if she hadn't left it in the wall downstairs. "Oh, GREAT DRAGON DAMMIT!!!!"

"'Great Dragon dammit'?" Torque questioned.

"Yeah, that's a little cringey," said Spade.

"Well, I suppose it does make sense, theoretically speaking," said Torque. "I mean, the Great Dragon IS very godlike, to my understanding..."

"Yeah, except the entire thing was a freaking hoax."

"Well, that's not to say that they would even be aware of that where she comes from—"

"OH, WOULD YOU TWO CRAM IT?!!" War spat. "I'D BASH YOUR HEADS IN WITH YOUR DLC, IF YOU HAD ANY!!!!"

Torque and Spade gasped overdramatically, clutching their hands to their chests. "TOO SOON!!!" they cried in unison.

Carol blinked in confusion, the dead gun slipping from her hands as she glanced around. "Wait what I'm confused, what's happening."

War scratched behind Carol's ear, cooing, "Don't worry about it, sweetheart. Warry will take care of this." She looked back to Zilac, whose eyes were narrowed skeptically, and War chuckled. "Ah yes, I see you've met my new GIRLFRIEND."

"Oh my god why....." Zilac muttered. Then she shook herself. "Wait, aren't you into that freaky zeti guy, or something...?"

"SHUT UP THIS ISN'T CANON!!!!" War bellowed, and Zilac fell backwards. "Besides, it's called being bisexual."

"Pansexual is better!!!" Lilac called.

"Yeah, and I'm gay!" Carol exclaimed.

Zilac sighed, standing back up. "Well, the two of you are going to have to say goodbye, because you're coming with us. Me. You're coming with me. Yes."

War smirked. "What, are YOU into me now?"

"wHAT NO THAT'S SELFCEST—"

"Listen girly, I'd love to dance with you," War snickered, "but I've kind of got a machine to run and a world to take over. So scoot along and maybe I won't have to eat your face."

"Right, that Take Over The World Machine!" Zilac exclaimed. "You know that thing is super illegal, right?"

"Of course I know it's super illegal, I'M super illegal!!!"

"You know about it?" Carol asked.

Zilac nodded. "Yes. War Lilac stole it from Evil Lilac, who stole it from Empress Lilac, who I'm pretty sure bought it off of some evil multiversal black market auction or something."

Carol looked to War. "I thought you said you made it."

War chuckled nervously. "Well, I said it was patented, I never said it was MY patent."

"It's not going to be anybody's patent once I hand it over to Zone Cop Corps and they have it destroyed!" Zilac declared. "Now for the last time, come along quietly and nobody gets hurt!!!"

"Oh, shut up," War groaned. "Why exactly should I be listening to you? You're not even a real Zone Cop."

Zilac froze. "W-What do you—"

"OH I know all about you, sweetheart!" War cackled. "And I know that you're no officer! You're just some pretty little counselor trainee. I'll bet you decided to play hero and stole that uniform out of some sweaty locker room!" Seeing the terror in Zilac's eyes, War burst into hysterical laughter. "HOLY SHIT, YOU DID DIDN'T YOU?!!!"

"SH-SH-SHUT UP!!!!" Zilac squeaked. Tapping her fingers together, she whimpered, "Y-You're not going to tell my boss, are you?"

War shook her head. "Anyway..." She gripped Carol's wrist, grinning down at her. "Come on, honey, let's get this show on the road!"

"Wait." Carol took her wrist back, and War blinked in confusion. "I wanna know more about the machine."

"Oh." War clenched her teeth and averted her gaze. "Well, okay." She straightened herself, raising an index finger. "Pop Quiz! What do Evil Lilac and Empress Lilac have in common?"

"Ooh ooh, I know!" came Zilac from the background, raising her hand. "They're both evil!"

"NO, YOU FUCKING TWIT!!!!" War bellowed, and Zilac fell backwards. "Well, I mean, technically yes, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!!"

"Is it that they both start with an E?" Carol asked.

War chuckled, patting Carol on the head. "Haha, no. But good try, sweetie." She lifted her finger again. "The answer is that they both have genuine affection for another person. So, what would they both want with this machine? Well, surprise! IT RUNS ON LOVE!!!"

"WHAT???" said Lilac, Zilac, Torque, and Spade in unison.

"Why would anybody evil make a machine that runs on love?" Spade questioned.

"I literally just answered that question, you fucking moron," said War. "This way, it's not just anybody who can use it. THAT'S the evil genius of it!"

"But that doesn't make any scientific sense," said Torque. "Love isn't a physical substance, it can't act as fuel..."

"Oh, cram it, you freaking hetero."

"SERIOUSLY, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!!"

"Anyway, yes, the machine runs on love," said War. "So, that's why...! That's... why..."

She trailed off, seeing the stern expression on Carol's face. "So, what you're saying is..." said Carol, and War blinked a couple times. "...you used me."

"WHAT?!!" War shrieked.

"Oh, snap!" said Spade.

"No! Nononono!!" said War, waving her hands frantically. "I mean... sort of?" Everybody sans Carol gasped overdramatically, and War groaned. "ALL OF YOU CRAM IT!! Carol, sweetie, you have to understand, I needed you to run the machine! But it's GENUINE affection that it runs on! I—"

"Stop." Carol shoved her palm into War's face, cutting her off. She turned her back to War and stepped away. War stared after her in stunned silence as ashes floated dramatically in the air around them.

"War... I think we need to take a break."

War gasped overdramatically, holding a hand out longingly. "Carol, honey, no!" she exclaimed. "Please just listen—"

"No, YOU listen," said Carol, pointing back at War while Team Lilac ate popcorn in the background. "I might be gay, but I'm not stupid. And I don't like being taken advantage of. So get it? It's over." She turned away again, clenching a fist. "Goodbye, War Lilac."

War reeled back, clutching her chest as if she had been shot through the heart, and Team Lilac OOOHHHHHHHH'd. War dropped to her knees, eyes searching the ground. Then she looked back up, face knitted into a scowl. "You know what...?" She stood back up, fingers coiling at her sides. "FINE!!!!"

Her shout shook the very foundation of the burning building, and Team Lilac collectively recoiled, Torque fumbling his popcorn and dropping it on the ground.

"WAR LILAC DOESN'T NEED YOU!!!!" War roared. "WAR LILAC DOESN'T NEED ANYBODY!!!!" She grinned a twisted grin. "I'LL RULE THIS WORLD ALL BY MYSELF!!!! THE EARTH WILL SHAKE AND THE CITIES WILL BURN, AND THE ONLY EYES TO LOOK UPON IT WILL BE MINE!!!! I'LL DANCE ON THE ASHES BY MYSELF!!!! THE PEOPLE WILL BOW DOWN TO ME ALONE!!!! AND THEN... AND THEN—"

And then Lilac Dragon Boosted her in the face.

"What?" Lilac questioned when the others gave her funny looks. "She was rambling."

Zilac dashed over and quickly slapped a pair of handcuffs onto War. "Ah-ha! You have the right to remain silent!" Clenching a fist and grinning victoriously, she cheered, "Maybe now I can finally get that promotion I've been asking for!"

"Carol!" Lilac called, and Carol remained standing with her arms folded and eyes closed. "Good to see you've finally come to your senses. We can go home now!"

"Well, whatever remains of home anyway..." Spade muttered, smacking Torque's hand away when he reached for Spade's popcorn.

"I'll go home..." Carol said darkly, opening one eye. "...on one condition."

Lilac shrugged, smiling brightly. "Alright! Name it."

"Lilac..." Carol pointed at Lilac, and shouted dramatically, "TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME!!!!"

Lilac frowned. "What? No."

"WHY NOT?!!"

"Because I don't love you!! Why would I lie like that?!!"

"To make me feel better about myself and my gayness!!!!"

Lilac scowled, pressing her fingers to her temples. Then she turned back to Zilac. "You know what?" She pointed at Carol. "Keep her."

"Oh, okay," said Zilac.

Carol glanced around. Lilac marched grumpily back over to Torque and Spade. Spade offered his popcorn to her, and she knocked it out of his hand. Zilac was searching her pockets for another pair of handcuffs. And War... War was laying quietly in a pool of tears. Carol's brow furrowed.

"Mmph, stupid..." Zilac muttered, fumbling with the second pair of handcuffs that she had finally retrieved. Then she heard something, blinked, and looked up... and got kicked in the face.

Carol bit the handcuffs off of War, then took her limp body in her arms. "War, speak to me!!" Carol cried.

War coughed in Carol's face, requiring her to wipe the spray away, then slowly opened her eyes. "Carol...?" War smiled weakly. "You came back to me...?"

"Of course I came back to you!" Carol said. "You might be an evil maniac who wants to take over the world, but you're MY evil maniac who wants to take over the world."

"Awww!!!" War cooed, brushing a thumb against Carol's cheek. "That has nothing to do with the argument we just had whatsoever, and I'm perfectly okay with that." And the two nuzzled each other with genuine affection.

"Gag," muttered Spade.

"NOW!!!!" War exclaimed, as she and Carol stood up. "IT'S TIME TO ACTIVATE THE MACHINE!!!!"

"Yeah!!" Carol cheered. "It's time to activate the machine!!"

The two dashed over to the machine, and they both grabbed the lever (the correct lever this time). Lilac, Torque, and Spade looked on as, together, they pulled it down, and the machine was activated.

C R A C K


With the machine activated, the sky opened up— literally. As evil storm clouds gathered overhead, the air lit up with all kinds of colors, and became filled with horrific screeching that caused the heroes to cover their ears. War and Carol cackled together as the Take Over The World Machine began its process of taking over the world... and then—

C H O M P

It stopped. War and Carol blinked and exchanged glances, then looked behind them... only to find the Holodragon chewing up the Take Over The World Machine's remains. "Oh."

"PANGU!!!!" Lilac, Torque, and Spade cheered, throwing their arms into the air.

As Pangu chewed, a figure climbed up and appeared on its head. It was Milla! She was grinning brightly, hands placed on her hips triumphantly.

"MILLA????" Lilac, Torque, and Spade questioned, lowering their arms back down.

"NOOO, MILLAS!!!!" War sobbed, burying her face in her hands as Carol patted her apologetically on the back. "My one weakness..."

Pangu flew down to let Milla climb off of it, belched, then flew back around the building.

"You came back!" Lilac exclaimed.

"I did!" said Milla.

"But what about the author hating you?" asked Torque.

"Well, the author doesn't hate me THAT much," said Milla.

"But you said you were going home," said Spade.

Milla scratched her head. "Yeeeaahhhhh, funny story... Home is kind of just a pile of charcoal now."

"I knew it!" said Spade

"So I went to the Magister instead!"

"I knew it!" said Torque.

"Then he gave me Pangu, and we came here. So... yeah."

"Wait to go, Milla!" Lilac cheered.

"Yeah, nice work!" Spade said.

"That's some dog!" Torque complimented.

Milla blushed and smiled to herself, folding her hands behind her back. "Aw, shucks..."

"YEAH, GO TEAM!! YEAH, WOOHOO!!!!"

Team Lilac blinked, then glanced over to find General Gong cheering as well.

"What is he doing here?" Lilac questioned.

"Oh," said Milla. "Well, he was kind of upset that he hasn't been mentioned in the story yet, so... I may have brought him with me?" She smiled nervously, and the others scowled at her.

"Wait to go, Milla," Lilac muttered.

"Yeah, nice work," Spade growled.

"That's some dog," Torque huffed.

They marched away, and Milla slumped over, staring sadly down at the ground. "Aw, shucks..."

"What do we do now?" Carol asked War.

"Well, there's only one thing left for us to do," War told Carol. Then, she scooped Carol up in her arms and bolted. "RUN AWAY!!!!"

"HEY!!" Lilac exclaimed, and Milla, Torque, and Spade gasped overdramatically.

"CYA LATER, LOSERS!!!!" War shouted. She leaped off of the building, and she and Carol disappeared into the great beyond.

Lilac, Milla, Torque, and Spade collectively blinked. "Well, that just happened," said Lilac.

"Annnnnnnnd, I'm getting out of here!" Zilac exclaimed, stumbling to her feet. "Seriously, my boss is going to KILL me when they find out about this. I just hope they don't already know that I took the—" She blinked, suddenly finding herself faced with an army of people dressed in the same goofy looking armor as her. "Oh." She looked to the camera, smiled nervously and shrugged. "WELP, at least this isn't canon!" [laugh track]

Team Lilac glanced around at their surroundings, finding that the building was finally starting to collapse from, you know, being on fire. "It appears that the building is finally starting to collapse from, you know, being on fire," Torque observed.

"Thanks for the observation, straighty," said Spade.

Torque choked on a sob. "Seriously, is anybody going to tell me what that has to do with anything???"

"Oh, Torque," Lilac sighed, patting him on the back. "It has to do with EVERYTHING."

Torque grunted. "Alright. You know what?!" He puffed out his chest. "I'm DONE being straight!! Scream it high to Avalice and beyond, TORQUE IS NO LONGER HETEROSEXUAL!!!! IT'S TIME TO GET RISKY!!"

At that, he turned around, grabbed Spade, and kissed him right on the mouth, tongue included. Spade's eyes widened in shock, and when Torque pulled away, Spade remained staring dumbfounded into space. "Huh," he said. "I'm surprisingly okay with this."

Torque heard an overdramatic gasp behind him, and he turned around to see Lilac staring at him with her jaw dropped. "Oh." He chuckled nervously. "We, uh... We could have a polygamy?"

Lilac blinked, then scratched her chin thoughtfully.

"Uh, okay, but guys," said Spade. "The building is, like, actually literally collapsing. We should probably get out of here."

"Oh, right," said everybody, and they called Pangu back up and got the heck out of dodge.

"YEAH, WOOO!!" Gong called. "GO TEAM!!! YEAH, YOU ESCAPE THAT BURNING BUILDING!!! WOOHOO!!!" He glanced around at the carnage around him, then down at the floor giving out beneath him, and he blinked. "Oh."

And then Shang Mu Palace died.

SOME TIME LATER, AS THE HEROES SOAR OVER AVALICE:

"Welp," said Lilac, "It looks like everything's back to normal! Well I mean, Shang Mu is in ruins, Gong might be dead, Torque isn't straight anymore apparently, and we'll probably never see Carol again, BUT OTHER THAN THAT!!"

"YEAH!!" the others concurred.

"So... we're NOT going to miss Carol, then?" Torque asked.

"Nah," said Milla.

"Oh god no," said Spade.

"She was a jerk," said Lilac.

"Fair enough," said Torque.

"You know, we didn't actually do much to save the world. The situation mostly just sorted itself out on its own."

"Shut up Spade, let us have this," said Lilac.

"Yeah, okay."

Then something buzzed in Spade's pocket.

"I LIKE BIG B—"

"Whoop, sorry, I have to take this."

Spade scooted down Pangu's tail to take the call in private. The others, meanwhile, continued conversing.

"So, what about that other you?" Torque asked.

"War Lilac?"

"No, the other one in the funny outfit. But yeah, her too."

"Oh, yeah, her. I dunno, she felt kind of random and unnecessary. I'm sure she's fine though. As for War..." Lilac grumbled. "I'm sure she'll be happier with Carol than we were."

"Yeah, she seemed more the type to appreciate an annoying gay wildcat," Torque agreed. "I feel kind of bad about Gong, though."

"Meh, he never really did anything anyway," said Lilac.

"Wow, I just realized," Milla gasped, "Gong got killed off and the author DOES like him! Haha, I guess I got off lucky."

Then Spade shoved Milla, and she fell like a million miles down to the earth, screaming all the way.

"What?" Spade questioned when Lilac and Torque turned to him. "Somebody had to do it." With a smile and a thumbs-up, he added, "Also Dail approves of the polygamy idea."

Lilac and Torque smiled and nodded.

For a time, the three sat in silence, letting the wind flow through their hair and enjoying their happyish ending. Then...

"Hey, Lilac?"

"Yes, Torque?"

"If the treehouse is dead... where exactly are we going?"

Lilac blinked.

MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE...:

War and Carol sat on the roof of another burning building somewhere else in Shang Mu, watching as the city's stash of fireworks went off and decorated the sky with lights.

"The sky is beautiful tonight..." said Carol.

"Yeah," War concurred.

Carol looked to War and smiled. "You know who else is beautiful?"

War blushed slightly. "Who?"

"Milla."

War scowled, and Carol laughed. "Just kidding. It's you."

"Aww, well aren't you sweet~" War sang, wrapping her arms around Carol and pulling her close. "And evil. Just the way I like my gays~"

"Haha, nyea :3" Carol meowed.

The two snuggled together, snickering to themselves under the light of the fireworks.

"Sorry you didn't get to take over the world," said Carol.

"Meh," War replied, rubbing Carol's cheek. "I think I found something better than world domination."

"Aw, thanku :3" said Carol. "So... what do we do now? I mean, the story is almost over. We should probably decide on something."

"Oh, right," said War, scratching her chin. "Hmm... Well, it probably wouldn't make much sense for me to take you out of this dimension with me, that would mess up continuity."

"Yeah, but if we split up then we won't have a happy ending."

"Hmmmm..." they both hummed thoughtfully.

"Ooh, I know!" said War. "Let's just do that thing where we make the ending vague and leave it up to interpretation. You know, the cheap and easy way!"

"Oh, yeah!" said Carol. "That would work!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah..."

The two leaned against each other, staring silently off into space.

"So, uh..." said Carol, cheeks turning slightly pink. "Do you, uh... Do you wanna make out?"

War chuckled, taking Carol's chin and pressing their noses to each other. "Oh, honey..." she said with a grin, "I thought you'd never say it."

And the two lip-locked under the fireworks light.

THE VAGUE AND INTERPRETABLE END

Mmhm. I blame MasterPerryMartin for this. Also my own twisted mind. WOW this came out longer than I intended it to.

So I made this as a sort of in-joke between myself and Perry, and I wasn't originally going to post it, but... I showed it to my irl friends and it had them in stitches, so HERE, LET YOUR EYES BLEED. I am actually really proud of some of the stupid humor in this tho...

Also I blame NoctisAxtonAurora for Spade's ringtone... I hate that song so much and I hate you for giving me the idea Noctis.

Hey, here's an idea if you want to make this insane experience of a story even more insane: Play a drinking game while you read it! Like, take a shot every time there's a fourth wall break, or take a shot every time somebody gasps overdramatically, or take a shot every time the word "gay" comes up... actually no don't do that last one you'll die

Freedom Planet, Torque, and Spade @ GalaxyTrail and SpacemanStrife
Sash Lilac, Carol Tea, and Milla Basset @ ZiyoLing
Freedom Dies With Me, War Lilac, and Zash Zilac @ MasterPerryMartin 
BONUS - CHARACTERS WHO WERE ONLY MENTIONED:
"That freaky zeti guy" @ FREAK-FRANK
Evil Lilac @ Doodles626 
Empress Lilac @ mpuppy4 o hey that's me
© 2017 - 2022 Spookyrus
Comments34
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AlexField290's avatar

This is easily the weirdest fanfiction I've ever read.

FireVasilisk's avatar

I literally spell the characters phrases with their voices, not included NON-CANON ones (but i tried). Literally a shitpost, but a good one. Need more of this

Prologue-9's avatar
Ah, that was wonderful. Terrible, in a wonderful way.
Ahhh... A crackfic. Have not seen its like in a while.

This was... OK. Not being very knowledgeable of all these Lilacs and being weirded out by the whole sexuality thing, this was OK enough.

As for crackfics, if you ever need inspiration, look no further than the Moczo Twins, a wacky pair that can make the funniest crackfics out of any idea. I'm thinking up a fic based on their writing style... But we'll see how that goes.
NoctisAxtonAurora's avatar
"Also I blame NoctisAxtonAurora for Spade's ringtone... I hate that song so much and I hate you for giving me the idea Noctis"

All I gotta say to this is... one you're welcome and two... I REGRET NOTHING! XD!
zurtur's avatar
Oh. My. God!! THIS IS PURE GOLD!!!!

Jeff: YES!! RANDOMNESS!! I LOVE THIS SOO MUCH!!!
Jessica:*Gasp* "Gasps overdramatically"

(..................... +fav )
MasterPerryMartin's avatar
My god...what have I done?

...It's beautiful. Also very long.
NoctisAxtonAurora's avatar
You have unleashed hell Perry, that's what you've done!
Spookyrus's avatar
What have I done? I have created... A masterpiece. A horrible, horrible masterpiece.
Spookyrus's avatar
MasterPerryMartin's avatar
Spookyrus's avatar
Mmyes. :3 I'm glad you like it so much XD
MasterPerryMartin's avatar
I just wonder if anyone else will...
Spookyrus's avatar
Haha, well, zurtur seemed to like it, as did my irl friend with taste as horrible as my own. owo
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