Never Be the Same

        easy come, easy go
steady, fast, thunderbolt
i was wilting in the womb
far before my mother had the right
to pick or choose her fate.

for three years i've been praying
to false gods with unspeakable names
who whispered lustful paraphrases
which i have contemplated time and time again
barely daring to speak a word
barely daring to make my name known.

nearly three years, nearly a lifetime
of bloodbathed dreams and fantasies
of stick-thin girls with slick, straw hair
and hiding lost children in abandoned fields of rye
time and time again, i tried and i tried
i feel you have no idea how hard i tried.

there was a time when i was everything to you
a china doll dressed in golden rags
with a painted, shimmering smile of loathing
but my love has since turned sour and rotted
i used to pray to you
by Satan's hand, i used to pray to you.

every time i stare into nothing
as if waiting for a beam of white
which would come trickling through my windowpane, kissing what is left of me
until i disappear
a thousand kisses leave me whole
like nothing i have felt before
i will never feel as you have
validated, appreciated
i will never feel as they've wanted me to
i fear i will never feel at all.

at one time i had the fondest dreams
of a house in London, with fresh faced children
who called us both Mum and grinned with teeth missing
at one time i had hope it all
i crushed it, ripped life from it's veins
tore it's heart out and destroyed it
now i will never now the sweat that makes your pale flesh glow
choking on your sugar-sweet smile
until my vomit turns to blood
until Death and i are one
i'll win the prize again and again
for giving up before i even try
at one time i had dreams
but tall, dark men in Nazi coats came and carried them away
at one time i have may have loved you
i fear i will never feel again.