I never really talk about things happening around in my life much. But I think lately the psychological toxins have been building up too rapidly.
I'm still fine personally, just things in my head worrying me, and old reminiscent emotions fighting at my surface as usual.
My grandmother's multiple myeloma has returned, and this worries me a lot. My grandfather on my dad's side of family was the first familial loss I experienced. And that happened back in November 2012, real close to when my dear friend passed away. With that happening back to back it just amplified the anguish I experienced. But now with my grandmother I can already feel that anguish making a ruckus. This is a part of life, I know. It's just things that I don't think anyone will really get used to experiencing. Especially for me cause events in my past practically affected every aspect of my life, and that's hard to explain.
I'll leave it to this to say it
I've been awake late at night the past few weeks, staring between the rafters while listening to the old fires I used to have. Old regrets. Me wishing I had held my friends hand more often than not. Giving her my first kiss regardless of if she wanted me to save it for someone else that would be around for longer (And the whole controversy with Katy Perry taking that dude's first kiss pisses me off immensely. But that's another topic for later.)
Among the oddest of all things though, is the few times it has felt like someone was touching the side of my head. A familiar and vulnerable touch that happened years ago, but I will spare the story because it's... Tough to live with the conversation that followed.
Internally I just feel like I am growing more and more restless, restless to the bone and marrow; but it's not something I broadcast to others easily. And just sleeping doesn't solve this weariness.
Again, hard for me to formulate an explanation for it, I just worry for myself that I will never truly find the soulful rest I seek for myself, so I can not feel so weary all the time.