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About Literature / Artist Alanna Belak27/Female/Canada Group :icontransmetlit: TransmetLit
 
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After a couple Ativan, I must confront things I've been neglecting... I also don't know how to write one of these anymore.

I miss DeviantArt. I really do. I miss my drive to do better, to post more, to provide feedback where I could, to strive for recognition... I feel I owe some acknowledgement to those of you who are still here. I'm not dead. I've just been reevaluating my priorities, trying to determine how I'll achieve my next goal. Sadly, I don't believe DA plays a part in that anymore. I need a wider scope. Do blogs still exist? Do any of you still blog? A public journal has always been my most crucial mental health tool and above all, that is what I took away from DA. I feel like maintaining my online presence is just as important as working on my real life presence, and I've been lacking in both departments. 

The last six months has been hard for me, physically and mentally. It took awhile for me to get the blood work done, but I found out my blood iron was at 17% of what it was supposed to be, which explained a lot of things, why I was so sore and tired after doing menial tasks, why my fingernails were so fragile. I had my daily iron dose increased to 2 pills a day because the last test showed my iron was up, but only to about 50%. They tested for a few other conditions, but those came back negative, thankfully. I have been avoiding a pap test because I don't feel comfortable with my current doctor and I also don't want to deal with the results right before I move. As for my mental health, I've been mostly self-medicating my anxiety and depression -- I finally got my ass to the doc and explained that I don't want to go on SSRIs again (have been on-and-off with sketchy results). He gave me Ativan to take as needed and when my panic attacks get bad, it actually seems to help. 

One of my main causes of stress has been these two parking tickets that I got parked front of MY OWN BUILDING, because my "guaranteed spot" at the back wasn't there when I got off work at 3am. First, I tried to bring them in to city hall and have them annulled, and they gave me a free parking pass for my street, but said they couldn't annul the existing tickets even though I brought in proof of my residency. I tried to get the new landlord (who I've never met, since the building changed hands without telling any of the tenants) to pay for the tickets, and he said he couldn't. We are trying to get a deal on our damage deposit, like a refund for a parking space we never got to use. Realistically, I should have paid the tix when they were cheap, but now they $80 sitting on my fridge and my record and I feel like none of it is my fault. Everyone in the building parked out front for MONTHS before they started ticketing out there, with no warning. This whole situation has been a blow to my self-esteem because it's one of the few times I've found the strength to stand up for myself and I've been told I have no legal argument. I will at some point, have to crawl into city hall, tail tucked between my legs and fork over $80 in assorted change (because I hear from my neighbour they love it when you do that). 

On the bright side, we WILL be moving to Vancouver on Oct 15. Notice given in to work for the 1st. I'm terrified and thrilled to begin that new chapter. There's tons I gotta do before then. We're going to be selling almost everything and moving as minimalist as possible, using just my car and a UHaul. We are moving into a shared 5-bedroom home near the PNE. I'm stoked to meet the new family -- they have a dog just like Freya who I imagine she'll fall in love with. They also have 2 cats which I'm going to have to ensure Freya doesn't eat. 

Current Vancouver plan is to get set-up with a part-time dealing gig at the Edgewater downtown (we just have to call to book our interviews) and focus primarily on my screenwriting. I have a low-budget indie horror that I'm trying to make myself, starring my dog. So I imagine a lot of time will be spent on training; I'm also interested in getting her involved in agility courses. Hopefully I can consult with a trainer who specialises in training acting dogs as well. I also need to get my vet, docs, dentists, all set up... hopefully it's easier to do in Van than it is here. I'd like to begin therapy as well, but I don't know how to go about that. I expect we'll be living a low-rent low-privacy existence for a few months, while we all save up some money. My current roommate, who is coming with us, owes me quite a lot of money for rent; his work situation hasn't been ideal for awhile and he has a lot of tuition debts to pay. Fortunately, rent will be much lower at the new house and as long as he can get a job quickly, he can start paying me back. My bf also has a lot of adulting shit to deal with -- figuring out what tax he owes the government, working out a plan for it (he believes he's going to be penalized heavily for the last casino audit, when people were told not to claim all their tips). I'm also trying to encourage him to get his GED and start on his driver's license before he gets too busy with work. I think I've been understanding of his situation -- having been raised by alcoholics who allowed him to drop out of school and then proceeded to take his money that he earned working full time afterwards -- the most important thing for him is getting out of this toxic town. I see his potential and I want him to make the most of it in a real city, where so many doors can open, if you want them to. Both he and I need to work on our self confidence, drive, and ambition. 

There is a real life to be lived out there. We just have to find it. 

Updates for my film THE WALL OF SOULS can be viewed on its official website! www.thewallofsoulsfilm.com/

Want to end this on a big Freya update, because who doesn't love puppers!

The pics are a couple months old, but the video (if you click the twitter link) is pretty recent.

Yup, Freya has turned the big 1 year old and has turned out to be quite a big doggo, but a tiny wolf. Pretty much all I can ask for. 
She's incredibly mellow and obedient around the house, when we're there. Crate trained when we're not. She hasn't eaten anything too valuable lately. She did recently cost me $200 in vet bills, when she ate an Advil off the floor and we figured it would be better safe than sorry, even though she wasn't showing any symptoms of kidney damage. Dog has an iron stomach and is way healthier than me apparently. 

Have been doing a lot of research on wolfdogs (which I probably should have done BEFORE getting her) and someone asked how training Freya is different than training a regular dog, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. I imagine had Freya been pure dog, she would been way more manageable as a pup. We had to use a lot of physical corrections with her to make it clear that WE are in charge -- I can mark the point where she learned this as when she stopped sleeping by door and started sleeping in her designated "places". It was sooo difficult to housebreak her, but eventually it clicked by about 7 months. Freya now rarely has accidents, and they're usually our fault, missing her "signals" and she looks guilty every time. I've heard of other wolfdog owners having problems with aggression, possessiveness, protectiveness, etc, but I think we nipped those problems in the bud before they could present themselves. We joke that Freya is the omega. She loves to play rough with us and dogs her own size, but cowers at anyone larger, usually Shepherds. Her favorite hobby is hunting moths that get into the house. It's the only thing we let her kill, though I'm sure she'd love a tasty duck. I can never tell if she's a genius or an idiot, because her favorite game is to intentionally drop her ball behind the furniture, so she has to figure out a way to get it back. She also like to play soccer with a ball, with a toy in her mouth, so she's forced to use her paws to knock the ball around. I don't know if these are normal dog games. 

We have a very regimented schedule of walks, park time, and feeding. Feeding is usually done by hand or by puzzle toy when I need to distract her for awhile. We're always looking to expand on her list of tricks -- though I have gotten lazy about certain basic obedience tricks, which I'll need to master for her to succeed as an acting dog. Freya responds to "right here" on her e collar, off-leash, but I have no real on-leash heel command because I always forget to use "break" as my release word, and I usually let her go by letting more leash out and saying "go pee?" When it's time to walk again, I say "let's go". On her prong, it's a given, she must always walk at my side and we sit at crosswalks. I am working on her "leaving it" when she sees interesting garbage, plants, and other animals, but that's a tough one I'll probably have to focus on with the eCollar. I imagine there will be a lot of eCollar work done when it comes to socializing with the cats; our trainer gave us a few tips. The cats are what I'm most nervous about. I'm also thinking about getting a clicker to see if it will help me with my trick training. I believe she has a lot of potential as an acting dog, but I will need to put 100% into training routine before she's ready for her big gig. 


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  • Listening to: July Talk
  • Watching: Goosebumps

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Destroyer77 Featured By Owner May 14, 2018
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Destroyer77 Featured By Owner May 14, 2017
Happy Birthday!

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Destroyer77 Featured By Owner May 14, 2016
Happy Birthday!

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Happy birthday!!!!
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Thanks! :hug:
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Happy Birthday to you XD
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Thank you!
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Youre welcome :D
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