I spent most of last night watching movies, chowing down on Banana pudding ice-cream and junk food. Yes, I will admit I am a Junk food Junkie!
Any-hoot I watched Alice in wonderland for the very first time. I kept asking myself throughout the movie how and why I went year’s with-out watching it. It truly inspired me and I found myself watching just about every version of it. It really got my mind racing about life, people, the past, present, future, and everything in between. As I am sure for those who have read my previous post. You all can tell I have been kind of stuck in a rut. We all know life can be extremely hard at times. It’s like you try so hard to move forward and can’t. Eventually, the worse gets the best of you. And you slowly begin to believe life, everything, and everyone around you are your enemy. Sometimes I feel like my life resembles “The Truman show” but more on an evil horror side. Where, the whole town knows you and everything about you. As if people are plotting on the next best thing to make your life more difficult.
But on to where I was getting at. While I pondered on all these thoughts; I asked myself is the universe really to blame? Maybe it’s not everything else, and maybe it’s just me. Questioning what point in my life did I take the wrong turn? I know there were many times when growing up I had gone down the wrong path of life. However, I learned from them and always found my way back.
I realize the last two years I have been walking with the devil, and down yet another one of those paths. When my father passed, I had lost the person that I really am. I pushed away everyone who was important to me, and gave up on many of the things I once was passionate about. I realize my actions and attitude is the only thing to blame. While watching Alice in wonderland I found myself feeling content, a feeling I have not felt for a very long time. I was inspired by all the interesting characters, the effects, and sceneries. During this moment I felt a strong breeze come through the window. When I turned and looked outside. There he was; a beautiful owl peeking out the owl house hanging from the tree. At that very moment I felt a strong presence in the room. Taking in a deep breath I whispered “Dad, I love you I miss you, and I need you and tears began rolling down my cheeks. The wind blew again picking up a swisher sweets cigar scent. I couldn’t help but cry and smile at the same time. Has I was 110% sure my father was there with me. He adored owls along with eagles, Loved watching movies in the dark as he drank shots of hard liquor and smoked a swisher sweet cigar.
Before bed last night I prayed for the very first time. Shortly after without realizing it I fell asleep at the kitchen table and woke up this morning to the sun beaming into my eyes. I looked up and across from me was my son sitting there all bright eyed preparing himself a bowl of corn flakes. He looked up with a smile, and said Good morning mommy would you like some breakfast? I looked back with tears of joy in my eyes. That moment all I could do was smile. I wanted to pause time and cherish it forever. We sat there for a good while talking. I was at peace I felt like I had finely found myself and the person I was before. The person I wanted to be, the person I needed to be, and the person my son also needed me to be. I knew I was where I belonged.
“I have decided that today would be the new day. That from here on out I will walk with god by my side and have faith in him. I will no longer dwell on the negative but focus on the positive.”
Thanks for listening,