Edit: I think this bulletin served it's purpose when it was needed and I was content to erase it for a time unless the problem arose again. AUGGED baited this journal out of me, admitting they had, indeed, been engaged in targeted slander from day 1, fully expecting me to need to write one (I have screenshot proof), and then gaslit me for doing it. Citing my "excuse" of having to protect my reputation for sake of my business as 'bullshit.' I continue to be stalked by their latest model of "partner" who had been apparently keeping tabs on me since it started. So much for "moving on." Now I know I made the right decision and I will not be shamed by them for doing what I think is right.
I debased myself for this person, accepting full responsibility for what happened between us, but have since realized that I cannot be held responsible 100% for the gross lack of communication and near-constant gaslighting I experienced while we were friends. I was not looking to reconnect, I was looking for them to answer for what they had done and they were not willing. But at least I got what I was looking for in the end. An explanation for why it happened. I apologized. Why couldn't they?
I will keep the journal below for posterity (keep in mind it only has information I was keyed into up to about March and a lot has come to light since, especially since AUGGED has refused to undo the damage they caused upon our last, most recent meeting a few weeks ago (when they finally, finally messaged me). Instead telling me they have "accepted" the hurt they caused me as "growth." At least that makes one of us, champ. :T
Note: The screenshots are removed because this is a copy paste and I didn't host them at the time this journal was made, so take my word for it. I will only be showing friends at this point because I've moved on. I will not be listing the growing bullet-points of their yikes behaviour because, frankly, I don't care anymore and it's not my job to villainize someone when they can do it all on their own without intervention.
When you become a revolving door of cast-aside friends and "partners" on a bi-yearly basis, it's your conduct. You are the common denominator and you need to stop sabotaging your relationships if you're ever going to be happy and not have to sit up into the wee hours contemplating your life choices. You always had the power. You're not a victim, you're strong. Act like it.
Before this post was composed, @ hxwke (now goes by 'augged' everywhere. DA retroactively updates usernames. I have already blocked him on every site I know of. ) was given several opportunities to speak his mind to me transparently but declined all offers to discuss or explain his side of the story on his own terms and entirely of his own free will. Never once were his blocks circumvented at any point, and any direct attempt to communicate with him was done through a neutral third party as to respect his own privacy and space.
If he surfaced now to resolve or confront this, given previous denied opportunities, I feel it might appear to come from a place of insincerity.
Edit: Hxwke has since attempted to have action taken against my TH account and my Twitter account just for trying to talk about my side of the story in a calm, retrospective manner, further solidifying that his actions are being fueled by spiteful behaviour, especially if they are finding the time to do this while sick and just out of surgery.
These sorts of posts are really difficult for me to write for many reasons. If you’ve read my previous bulletin, it sheds a little light on what I have been dealing with the past 6 months. The fact of the matter is, it hasn’t really let anything lay itself to rest at all. The prior bulletin detailing some of these feelings vaguely can be found here:toyhou.se/~bulletins/83520.bee…
Strap in because it’s a long read if you’re interested. I had to fit a few years worth of events in here to provide as much context as I could.
I promised myself I would never do anything like this again, and it took a great deal of convincing me that it was the right decision. If you're afraid to speak up, it's because you likely should.
I made friends with someone right before joining the military I’ll call R. R was, by definition, an isolationist. She conducted a sting operation on me that involved turning all my closest friends (including one of my best friends whom at the time I’d known for 13 years or so) and guildmates at the time against me because she was jealous I had a crush on a fella we’ll call Hawkens. My friends later discovered the lie after some time and came back, but at the time it was devastating to wake up, not understand why I was suddenly ostracised from my friend group, and being told “I don’t agree with your behaviour, I no longer wish to associate” and not knowing why I was hearing this. Turns out, for years prior, R had been spreading insidious lies about me to my group (including claiming we were engaged) and, strangely, no one thought to ask me.
My good friend J later apologized profusely when the truth came out, and we’ve been friends 18+ years now.
During that time, another friend of R’s had befriended me and we RP’d on Wildstar before it went defunct, and they asked me to draw porn of our OCs, which was posted to Tumblr. Then after baiting me to post it, proclaimed she did not ask for it and that I drew it without permission. I had screenshots of the request to draw it. That was traumatizing for me.
Then the fella Hawkens, over whom I crushed hard, disassociated with me soon after because I was not comfortable financially supporting him after just having had to kick R out of my house for her behaviour, which included lying to my mother and spreading actually completely made up slander about me not 20 feet away from me. I was not ready to let someone in my home again.
However, R was not satisfied despite being out of my life, and continued to spy on me through sending her two local friends to innocently start dialogue with anyone I thought to befriend after this and successfully trashed a few friendships as a result. Once again, I was never spoken to about what was said, these total strangers were taken at face value.
This pattern has perpetuated throughout my life. I cannot seem to get close to anyone and earn their trust enough to be approached when rumours or heresy arise. Even after knowing them for many, many years.
To address self-awareness, one could argue I may not inspire trust, but I don’t believe that’s true. When someone does me a major kindness, my loyalty is complete and total for as long as I can hold out. For one such friend, even 8 years and constant drama wasn’t enough to stop me from returning when they needed help every. Single. Time. I know what’s in my heart. My love and affection is complete and total.
But my love and affection is not hugs and sympathy. I’m not very good at kind coddling and hugs. I'm a Spock. I struggle to touch others. One of my earliest memories is of my dad shoving me off his lap when I climbed up.
We were not an affectionate family. Everyone was either a cop, military, or a homicide detective. My father was the lead investigator of Dahmer and literally wrote a book about it. He was a hard man and my parents divorced when I was about 6. They were supportive, but we were by no means kindly and affectionate people. Fully analytical; And I was encouraged to focus completely on education, efficiency and dignity. Emotions didn’t feature strongly in my upbringing.
And the way I was shown support and kindness was through advice and material goods. Logically, it’s the way I’ve then learned to show I care. I LOVE purchasing things to make my friends happy. I’ve often been accused of trying to “buy” friendship, which is damaging since, in many cases, there was hardly any there to purchase. I’ve offered hundreds at a time for groceries and various “emergencies” (i.e. weed) to people who only seem to surface when they’re in a crisis. There’s no friendship there to buy. Only my kindness and desire to make someone feel supported and loved in the only way I learned how.
My formative adult years were spent in the military, further ingraining my logical, blunt, efficient personality.
It took me some time ever after this to realize emotions had become difficult for me to express. I’m not sure the direct cause, but when I was younger, I used to send my friends letters every few weeks just to express how much they meant to me and all the fun things we’d done that month. I was extremely open about my affection in the past, but had half a dozen or more friendships end suddenly with no explanation.
I opened up to another after this named L, whom left suddenly as a result of R’s friend’s spreading rumours about me to him after commissioning him once to start a dialogue.
After this one, I made friends with K, whom, after knowing me a few weeks, suddenly declared love for me. This was awful as I had no idea that he had a girlfriend who then would promptly kick him from the house. He told me he had nowhere to go.
I was living in a very tiny one-person camper parked on a marina in South Florida and barely had room for myself but, if K truly had nowhere to go, I would do what I could. But they PROMISED they had nowhere to go. On the way they reminded me they were ‘chubby’ and worried I would be put off but desired to have sex when they arrived. I reminded that chubby is never a problem.
They arrived and turned out to be quite many times over ‘chubby’, lying to me explicitly about their appearance. And revealed to me that days back, their parents offered them a place to stay but they declined their offer to instead come and move in with me despite my reminders that my camper was literally about 20 square feet and tiny beyond comprehension. But they also brought their cats. Who tracked their poop all over my camper due to being sphinxes with their weird skin feet. My mother was distraught with the ordeal and I had to stay at her house because there was actually no room for me in my camper as this person took up literally all the room. I explained that I didn’t like being lied to twice and they had to go. After some guilting attempts on their part, that was that.
I was fine for a few months, reconnecting with J, a friend that frequently surfaced when having personal problems. I explained that Florida had become lonely, stagnant and I needed to move on from a camper full of cockroaches. I already had a Realtor looking at homes for me in Virginia, but J suggested Vegas.
Las Vegas was cheap, full of my family history and well loved by me when I visited years back. I also had a friend (F) moving there in a few weeks who I’d just gotten home from going to a con with. She said she’d hook me up if I went to Vegas.
It was kismet. But I was totally out of money from the moving truck and during the early stages of my move, I was threatened by homelessness. I am grateful to this day for the help of my fanbase that day, who all pitched in to cover most of my moving expenses and saved my whole ass. This managed to carry me to Vegas. My friend who had just moved to Vegas, F, was living with her friend and friend’s mom at the time. I was offered a room until I found a house to buy.
During my time there, the friend got into a fight with the mom and wanted to move out, but was out of options. F also needed a studio for her work which takes up space. I suggested I could take out my VA home loan to buy us all a house. They thought it was a great idea. Though, I needed to do my taxes from the last two years to qualify and we came to the agreement that they’d help me pay those taxes in exchange for rent for about 6 months. It was a deal.
The day I was to do taxes, the friend approached me to say she was backing out because she and mom made up. I said ooph. Bad timing. It’s fine, but you are kind of screwing me and I cannot in good conscience still take your money. You’re off the hook but this is throwing a wrench in the plan. F arrived on her heels to explain that she was nervous because of how I “treated” her friend and no longer wanted to hold up her end either now.
I said that was fine. I didn’t understand what had just happened, but fine. So I had to scurry to come up with an extra $3k USD ASAP to hurry and pay those taxes to quality for the loan the process was already started for. No backing out. So I had to be there a bit longer. The mother hated me for this, and frequently gave me dirty looks and told me to “hurry up and leave” despite her daughter being the cause of my taking longer than intended. I felt betrayed, alone, and defeated when I was kicked out before I could find a place with my realtor.
Threatened with homelessness once more, I called J and Z, who lived an hour SW of Vegas who asked me to move here to begin with. They arrived to help me move my items into a storage rental with my last dosh. I was grateful, but they said I couldn’t stay with them. I felt scared again, and abandoned.
But it was then that I received a PM on FA from a watcher of mine. N. He told me he lived in Vegas with Hxwke. They had an apartment and I was welcome to stay as long as I needed. I didn’t know them at all, but Hxwke, he reminded me, had bought one of my old OCs months back. Feeling nervous, J offered to come stay with me while I settled in and Hxwke and N agreed. Anything I needed to feel comfortable.
At this point, I was broken, defeated, scared, alone and utterly closed off from other people. But I had no choice. It was this or live on the street for 2 months until I closed on a house.
We met them at a noodle shop, myself, J, Z, N, and Hxwke. Everything went well and I agreed to their offer of help.
I took my work laptop and necessities and we all arrived at their apartment. I wish I could properly explain the level of comfort I immediately felt in their home. Hxwke offered me his own bedroom. I almost cried, ‘oh my god, you don’t have to give me yourbedroom.’ It’s ok, he said, I was in your position once and I know how important privacy is. What an incredibly generous person.
I couldn’t believe it. This complete pair of strangers were offering me this help without expecting anything in return. Sympathised with me and made me feel welcome. And safe. Suddenly, Vegas felt OK again. I felt like I’d made the right decision to come here. That I’d made friends for life. I was trusting again. Or beginning to. I thought I had found people I could learn to trust after countless more who’d broken it.
Me and Hxwke hit it off almost instantly. He was aloof the first day, which made sense. I was a stranger in his house and he gave me the benefit of the doubt. But the moment we both learned the other was interested in Deus Ex (game franchise), that was it for us. We were fast friends and spent countless hours talking into the wee hours about it. He would come into the bedroom while I was working, I’d close the laptop and he’d peer over the bed from the floor and we’d laugh and laugh and laugh, talking until an hour before he had work. ‘Well, RIP me’ he’d say.
I was focusing a lot on my artwork while there, finally feeling secure enough that I could earn money to cover closing costs. But I remember looking forward to when Hxwke would arrive home so we could spend time together some more.
I remember feeling sohappy. For the first time in years. I was elated. I was so grateful. I couldn’t believe my fortune. I thought perhaps, maybe, I deserved it. That I was being rewarded for taking the terrifying step of moving across the country alone, leaving all my family and friends behind. All for the ‘feeling’ that I was making the right decision and following my intuition. I doubted it several times, but not since making friends with Hxwke and N.
J visited for his birthday after having left once I felt at home. We all had a blast together on the strip. Once again, in my head, I was with my new lifelong friends.
There ended up being a little bit of drama involved when N got a massive crush on me and I was unaware that he and Hxwke were having difficulties. Quite soon after this, Hxwke opened up to me about it. I offered what ignorant advice I could, not knowing either of them more than about 1.5 months, but I sympathised. They had both shown me such kindness, I was fully invested in them. They’d earned my loyalty fully and completely.
Eventually, it came to pass that I managed to close on a condo after several disappointments. We all celebrated. N and Hxwke helped me to move into my new space on the other side of town, we all went furniture shopping together and it was great. At this point, N and Hxwke were strained slightly in their friendship, but I didn’t perceive a major problem at this time.
So, I moved into my new home, Hxwke began visiting me often. Perhaps once a week. We had a blast when I decided to paint my office dark grey and over time he’d helped me fill out my new space more and more, helping when he could. He drove me often as, at the time, I only had a motorcycle which, when moving furniture, was not as helpful as his SUV.
I wassothankful for his help. I told him as much. He drove me so often that I even felt guilty at times! So I began buying us lunch every day, or paying for gas. At this point he was visiting almost every single day, and each day was a pure delight. We talked endlessly about our characters (by this point we’d made many together and RPd frequently) and, once I had a futon for a couch, the sleepovers began where we’d stay up for 17 hours just talking endlessly! It was amazing. I loved every second. I told him continuously that he’d made me the happiest I’ve ever felt.
I told him about my darkest moment in the military, where I had attempted suicide and had been sent to a care facility soon after. A place where, if you didn’t wanna die before you arrived, you would after a few hours of being there without your dignity. I have never told anyone about this before, not even my own mother, but here we are, and now you all know too.
But this friendship was nothing like that to me. If that was my darkest, this was my absolute brightest so far, bar none, in my whole life. I believe it even topped waking up from surgery several years prior.
We had begun to do absolutely everything together, from going out to eat, playing Pokemon Go at the park, getting groceries, going shopping, walking the strip, to spending the night playing video games. We invented countless memes together, which often replaced our everyday language at one another. And the entire time, I couldn’t believe I could ever feel this close to someone. No one that had *ever* come prior could match this. I had begun to open up finally, about my insecurities, my ambitions, my dark secrets, my worries for my future and finances. I told him, “You have no idea how meaningful it is for me to finally have someone accept me and understand me after all this time. Despite my flaws, I feel like you actually get me.” ‘Yeah, man’ he’d say. ‘I get you.’
And I believed him. Despite how many times I’d heard those words and been proven that, no, I was not understood, I believed it this time. Hxwke was so different from them all. As far as I was capable of, I loved Hxwke as my truest friend. I felt secure, for once, that this time, it wouldn’t be like the other times and that no matter what, I’d made a friend for life who had earned my loyalty completely and fully. He assured me himself, with his words, he was not like the others.
I soon reached a point where I made his problems my own. As I’d vowed not to do again. My friends had warned me previously that I am too generous; that I was foolish for spending so much money and offering so much emotional investment and to take care not to do it again so easily, but I couldn’t help it this time. He wasn’t like the others.
I explained to him that, among my greatest fears, abandonment was one, given my past. And that, more often than not, my apparently intimidating personality scared others from ever approaching me with their problems, particularly with things I did. I lamented to learn this. Because of this, I took many countless opportunities with Hxwke to have conversations encouraging him to always feel comfortable with approaching me, especially if I was doing something to upset him; that if he did, I promise I would always listen. Give me a chance to prove that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt my friends.
When I was younger, I was spiteful, but not anymore. Not even close. And that I lament if my inherited communication style was blunt, terse or overly logical, but to understand the intent behind it and, if there was ever a problem… Talk to me. Nothing means more to me than to trust me.
He told me, I believed earnestly, many times ‘nah man, I’ve never had a problem with you.’ I believed him. After all, I was also happier than I’d ever been, so nothing seemed wrong. Nevertheless, I was deeply in tune with Hxwke’s moods and caught myself asking many, many times. “Is everything ok? Tell me. What’s wrong? Wanna talk about it? What’s got you worried? Try to explain, it might help.”
Often, we’d discuss his childhood and, given my experience in psychology while an analyst, I offered what insight I could. I’d try to help him understand that he wasn’t mentally ill, that his upbringing absolutely could have resulted in his struggles to get thoughts out; His fear of confrontation and lack of confidence.
Being aware of these problems, I cannot explain the lengths I took to alter my behaviour any way I could to assist. I began to try and word things differently, I made an effort to soften my tone, I would encourage him to take his time with responses, that no one who values his words would rush him to respond. I wanted him at the top of his game and I wanted him to succeed.
I encouraged him to pick up food delivery while he was struggling with a job. He snapped at me, claiming that he didn’t want to, having done it before in his previous state. Quickly apologizing, he said he realized I was only trying to help with my suggestion and later took it up as his job which he became happy with.
I introduced him to my friends at the casino, who all also offered as much advice as they could muster, my friend O even going out of his way to discuss Hxwke’s plight with his wife to try and find him a job at a hotel. I was delighted to share my contacts and resources with a friend. I even spent most of the night my godparents came to visit just telling them about Hxwke and if they had any advice I could relay. I devoted so much personal energy into helping Hxwke succeed however he exclaimed he wanted to.
I defended him to his own mother during dinner when she came to visit and was running him ragged with the expectation of entertaining her.
When he got into a car accident, I could tell the stress of litigation was taking over his life. I encouraged him to consume the things that made him happy, like writing, games, or RP or anything. I remembered what a lifesaver my art was for me when I was in the military. I told him I wanted him to experience the joy I receive when I engage in my most treasured hobby. My art, the thing that had supported me after I took a leap of faith to leave the military and find happiness again, was also the most treasured possession I could give him.
Consistently throughout my friendships, I drew multitudes of art for the other person. Because I struggle with things like physical affection, I speak with gifts of my art a lot. I’m not someone that’s very good at talking about my feelings toward others anymore like I was when I was young. It felt too vulnerable to do. So I draw when I struggle with words. I drew Hxwke many, many art gifts. More than anyone’s ever received before in the couple of delightful years I knew him. Many, many characters.
I also allowed them to be sold despite being gifts when he needed money. It was a fantastic feeling that my art could not only bring joy but also support him when it was needed.
At one point, he struggled to pay for his own apartment, having split from N and gotten his own place. He couldn’t afford it and, to my despair, I was not in a good place financially from my own stupid decisions and so, the time came that I hoped I might repay the ultimate kindness he showed me. I offered him my condo as a place to stay but warned him that it was smaller than his last and that my office was full to the brim. “That’s fine, I don’t need a bedroom.” He assured me. I still felt horrible. He stayed in my living room, which I felt guilty about, and eventually he expressed that he missed having privacy. While he was at work, I dragged my furniture around for several hours trying to find a way to arrange it all in my bedroom and give him the office as a surprise. I couldn’t. My master bedroom was completely taken up by my queen frame and my gaming desk would have completely blocked off my closet, among other problems. I told him there was no way I could make it work and that I was so sorry. He’d given me his bedroom but I couldn’t do the same for him. I felt atrocious.
I ended up getting a mount for my LCD TV that was out in the den so that it could be swerved to face him so he could play on my game systems. We spent so many countless hours playing Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey together. It was amazing. There are some funny pics on Twitter of those nights.
It was a poor substitute for privacy, but I hoped it would help. I was delighted when I’d wake up to find him playing LoZ and having fun despite the stress of legal stuff. But soon he expressed that he was unhappy and couldn’t deal with the lack of a room. I felt like such a fucking loser for not being able to provide this. The life-saving favour he’d done for me, whilst I couldn’t find some way to return it.
At this point, he’d agreed to pay me some rent that month, but we were almost through said month and now he said he wanted to leave. At first he said it was the money. I offered to lower the agreement- or remove expectation of payment at all, if it would help him. He told me that his friend offered a place to stay for free. I understood completely, but I became frustrated because I felt like I’d budgeted for the payment and now I was being walked out on last minute. But I explained this and he agreed, admitted he hadn’t thought about how that affected me. I suppose it was less about the money and more the need for privacy, which I understood, but certainly felt like a failure for.
But it was fine. He moved out and in with them and it was alright. He came over whenever he could in between work shifts. We’d still stay up into the wee hours talking or playing games, watching movies. Going out for lunch. He’d bring home delivery after working and come right back to visit. But I could tell he was stressed. The car accident had resulted in so much anxiety and countless appointments. I wasn’t sure how to help except by calling my godmother and mom often with the latest update on how he could present his case for the most compensation. I knew he needed it after everything he’d been through.
I encouraged him vehemently to consume his hobbies and interests. I made him lots of characters and art. Anything I could think to do to take his mind off the stress that I noticed had begun to make him act almost not himself.
He began to want to hang out less, visit less. I feel like he began to talk to me less. I began to feel insecure, though assumed it was entirely the car accident to blame. He’d told me it was just the stress of the aftermath. I believed him.
But… It got worse. I wasn’t sure what to do to help. All I knew to do was continue encouraging him to externalize his thoughts and tell me what was on his mind. I pushed him to try new and potentially exciting things like new games, introduced him to a few of my friends so he’d have more company and support. Anything I could think of to cheer him up.
I remember around this time was the first time I can recall in our friendship that I was ever given any indication that I had done something wrong.
I asked him once what was wrong when he seemed off and, getting a worrisome answer, asked him if he wanted to talk. I recall him expressing some sort of fear over it and so I knew it was serious. I stopped what I was doing and got on call where he expressed some concern I can’t remember. What I do remember is he grew upset with something I said because it seemed aggressive to him.
I gently reminded him that we’d discussed this many times in the past, the way that I talk. I told him to please never doubt that I speak out of concern for him. He agreed. I also assured him that after this, I would also do my best to change the way I talked a bit more, as he compared me to his roommate saying ‘she was more sympathetic and understanding’ than I was, which seemed out of left field to me.
But I understood, and reiterated back to him to make sure I was understanding him, that he responded better to a certain kind of speech. By the end, he agreed with me, said he’d never thought of it that way and that it ‘made sense.’ I felt good. Like I’d made some progress. I was proud that he’d confronted me on something, which is something I was *constantly* encouraging him to do, knowing that he struggled to stand up for himself.
I thought he finally did it, and I was proud and felt like our relationship was secure once more.
But after this, the strange behaviour continued, despite it. He began to become evasive with me and, for the first time, began to give strange excuses why he didn’t want to hop on voice, visit, or go to lunch. Given no explanation, I began to panic.
Having been through this many times before, suddenly I felt like I was experiencing abandonment once more. I couldn’t, for the life of me, explain where this elusiveness had come from with no explanation from Hxwke. In my panic, I eventually confronted him(below), asking why I felt like he suddenly had no desire to spend time with me anymore.
After many weeks of this behaviour, witnessed by several friends first hand, I was in full-on panic mode. I asked their opinions, unsure who else to ask as Hxwke would not give me clear answers. My friend T told me that ‘he seems to be hiding something.’ and not to trust him to be forthright. I grew more and more paranoid that, at any moment, Hxwke would drop me after more of this overt elusiveness.
This was coloured by my ultimate fear since, up until this point, I was still not made aware of anything I had done wrong or why Hxwke did not wish to spend time with me and all of my attempts to ask the person with whom I’ve always been able to talk about *anything* were met with evasive responses and swerves.
I grew increasingly worried, frustrated and scared, threatened with sudden abandonment. To protect my feelings, I tried to withdraw myself and make it clear that I was not waiting up on him. Maybe give him space or something. But I also said I found his very sudden transition from talking to me daily to suddenly not contacting me for two weeks. This particular thing scared the shit out of me as I am very friend insecure. I told him I would much prefer him to tell me outright if he didn’t want to be friends anymore.
After all, that was the message I was getting from his behaviour that month. And at this point, I was feeling hurt. I’m extremely fragile when it comes to my friends’ opinions of me and I felt like he ceased to communicate with me that he was stressed, busy, or needing space. I told him that I understood when he said it was work.
But I asked him to remember how it looks to other people when you suddenly drop contact and a reminder that he struggles with communication. Something he vowed to work on many times before.
I admitted it got to the point I had to ask my friends about it. I will provide a complete screenshot of the conversation. You will see that at this point I have become rather nasty after having tried to get answers many times; I had lost all confidence and trust by now. I have no excuse for the way I acted. This is the first time I’ve ever gotten truly angry with him since we met.
Having lost all confidence and trust, at this point I demanded he return my PC which was lent to him with the promise it would be used for fun and hanging out on video games. He expressed he wanted a laptop to handle the games we all played. In a year, he had not used it for more than a few days and, coloured with the elusive behaviour, I was hurt and wished it returned if he didn’t want to talk to me again. Which is what I garnered from the conversation above. I didn’t understand why I suddenly wasn’t worth the time, and the answers I received felt very strange, unlike him and evasive. I get very easily made insecure when I feel like people are hiding things from me.
I also felt that, with this sudden rise of disrespect, the brush off of ‘later when I have time’, also felt very strange and condescending. This is why I reacted so awfully. The person I’d told my deepest secrets to, who I spent all my best days with, suddenly seemed to want to have nothing to do with me and, rather than tell me straight, I felt as though I was being played games with.
But I decided to back off and give space and maybe give the benefit of the doubt. That maybe it was just work. So I decided not to bother him until Wednesday, the day off. I planned to send a message and apologize about the computer, explain why I wanted it back and maybe hear his side of the story. But I awoke to find myself blocked on every possible form of communication we shared. I tried several times to ask what was up.
And then I realized (or so I thought) that maybe this was what he wanted all along and had just engineered some way to get rid of me, since I felt like this had happened to me countless times before and that, in the wake of no explanation that, perhaps, he didn’t care at all. After all, it’s the only thing I could get to make sense to me. It was our only ever actual major disagreement, and so it felt strange to not talk about it. I’m a problem solver by nature. I rationalized it this way as was my only form of protecting my feelings after this happening before.
So, my mind immediately went to the dozens of character designs I gifted him. I remembered our agreement that ‘if you ever don’t want them, please give them back!’ He agreed, of course.
I tried to ask if he’d give them back now, but couldn’t get a response due to blocks. My only option left was to get help. Which is why I, unfortunately, had to ask a third party to ask him to return them. I knew how it would look to people not aware of the situation so I left it as vague as I possibly could and only stated the facts I was comfortable giving. I will provide a screenshot below.
Apparently when contacted, he confirmed that he planned to ‘give’ the characters away anyway. So he did not want them, as I suspected. And rather than simply return them to me, I felt hurt he was just going to ‘gift’ them away, or more likely sell them through PMs (as this is a thing he expressed as having done in the past), rather than return them as per our old agreement. You may be able to understand my fear that the same would be done to these characters.
I was told Hxwke posted a reactionary bulletin about me very shortly after, but I couldn’t access it and only got to read it recently from someone who’d managed to cap a screenshot when it happened.
He claimed to know I was ‘slandering’ him in my Discord but several witnesses present can attest that no such thing was ever done under any circumstances. I did not speak of this situation even once after this day to anyone. When asked through DMs, I provided only vague responses and moved on as, at this point, I was not emotionally motivated or reactionary. I believed that I had received the highest insult I could receive from a trusted friend.
Hxwke had done the one thing above all I did not expect of him. Ex-communicating me without so much as a word. Like all the others he’d promised not to be. I had all the satisfaction I needed just in dropping him and being done with it. And I wasvery done with it.
For 5 months, I never brought it up again. When with friends, I only spoke about the ‘good’ times and that I never understood what changed near the end. I respected his wishes and I was content not having him around. A few IRL friends that we’d met in person many times confirmed to me that they’d had suspicions of him in the past and that I was better off without him, even without knowing precisely what happened as I didn’t believe in slander. It’s something I’m above.
Apparently not something Hxwke was above. I struggled through the art block you have all witnessed for 5-nearly-6 months but was otherwise completely detached from the memory. Friends can attest I rarely brought it up. Even with the bulletin, I felt no desire to defend myself as I promised myself I wouldn’t engage in public drama again and that I was not as emotional and reactionary as Hxwke had been and so I was confident in my decision to not speak of the incident whatsoever.
The other week when my art mojo returned, I made my newest species and took on several commissions and finished them (the most prolific I’d been in 6 months,) I felt amazing. I’d applied to the local University and had been accepted and had a lot on my plate. Good stuff. I felt amazing. The culmination of 6 months of focusing on my work. Never once did I bother to check up on Hxwke, a person who’d done me the greatest unkindness in my mind.
In my high of productivity, I decided to reclaim one of my biggest interests that I shared with Hxwke. Deus Ex. Which has been a huge part of my life for many, many years and I no longer wished to feel like I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. So I decided to rejoin the ashes of Tumblr, where I’d posted my fanart in the past and I wrote a few drabbles to reconnect with my feelings for the characters. I tried to reconnect with old friends and RPers only to find something strange had happened. Not a soul I used to know would respond to me, despite being active. I asked if folks were still around and, though they seemed to be, I was being blatantly ignored or suddenly blocked by people I’d spoken to before. I joined a fandom Discord server and was almost instantly removed after a mod answered my question and the only connection was that I noticed a few of mine and Hxwke’s past mutual acquaintances present. I grew very suspicious as these were people I’d just tried to contact with no response/blocks.
One thing Hxwke had done with N was get many people in the communities he frequented to ostracize him and so I knew the vindictive motivation had been there in the past. I suspected this might be true for me as well since, on New Years Eve, he’d specifically deleted all of our Deus Ex collabs -only- where they had the largest audience.
At the time when this had happened, I was at NYE dinner when I got the 20 or so notifications during conversation and merely shrugged it off as some attempt to move on, which I respected and swiftly forgot about as I had long since moved on months before. Though I continued to get such messages like the below which continually reminded me:
But this strange ex-communication from the fandom we frequented together made me curious and I got friends to help me figure out what was going on or if I was merely imagining things. Within moments, we found multitudes of barbed, targeted posts on Twitter that had been constant since around December. Vague-blogs (and not so vague) about me and just a general wagon-load of evidence that this was someone who had very muchnotmoved on like I had and was very much stuck in their obsession.
I was shocked. But suddenly things began to make sense. We found writings on A03 that were overt attempts to trash my character as some proxy for me, claiming I was ‘never his friend’ and only ever manipulated him for my own gain. And such posts like the below.
Suddenly things began to make a bit more sense. What was he doing that apparently inspired someone to ask if he was targeting me? Or was it only a guilty conscience? But I think now I understand why I’m essentially exiled from a fandom he knows I’d be devastated to lose. He also had N ostracized from the very same community.
Even stranger still, for someone who claimed to wish to be left alone, claimed to want to distance from it, and claiming ‘new year new me’, he only specifically deleted the certain collab RPs from A03 that he knew meant a lot to me, but left our others untouched, even leaving all on Furaffinity which he’d supposedly been plenty active on. Things he knew from our conversations together would reach my email inbox and make me shook. All the while continuing to post and RT obvious attempts to paint me as a de-humanized ‘abuser’ of his past.
It’s clear from any attempts to engage in conversation with any single person that he has ever spoken to, that he has been slandering me and turning every possible person he can against me. Several artists in the adopt community decided to go the same route and I’d discover as much through various points in the last 6 months, further attempting to interrupt the peace I’d found.
I tried not to let it bother me that no one bothered to confirm with me or discover the context of whatever he showed/said to them. People tend to believe the first thing they’re told and everyone likes to sympathize with anyone who knows how to cry victim. If you’ve read my previous personal rant from a few days back, you’ll now know how I struggle to receive sympathy from others because I keep my feelings very close to my chest in fear of seeming like someone that can’t be relied upon.
I never want to be seen as someone who doesn’t 100% have their shit together at all times, even at the expense of asking for help or support from those around me. I was raised to be self-reliant and I have a deep desire to be a hero to my friends.
I think this alienates people, or makes them feel like I’m cold and unfeeling and so assume that when someone says “Dorian doesn’t actually care” that it must be true. It is not.
I did not allow myself to mourn the lost friendship, believing it best to move on and not pay it any mind. I vehemently denied myself to think about it or talk about it to protect my productivity and work ethic. Only until I realized that Hxwke had remained keen on wallowing in his narrative and was doing all he could to ruin me did I descend into depression, not sure why I wasn’t being allowed to forget this. Extreme depression to see that I was being called horrible names, and claims that I was some long-time abuser despite never receiving a single indication or confrontation about my supposed behaviour. At all. I was allowed to remain ignorant to any supposed damage I have been said to be causing and, furthermore, when I asked, wasexplicitly toldHxwke had never had any issues with me whatsoever. I believed my friend when he said this to me. I believe this constitutes gaslighting.
But now that one of my coping mechanisms was taken away from me by way of getting nearly an entire fandom to alienate me, I do not believe this is anything but spite and malicious, targeted behaviour and disproportionate retribution for the one time I fucked up and let my hurt show in a nasty, horrible way after over a month of spontaneous, aloof, and detached behaviours without explanation on their part.
Despite my many attempts during and before the final conversation unfolded to try and get to the bottom of it, combat his stress, and be a constant, dependable friend.
In the end, I just want to go back to how I was 4 months ago when I thought we’d both moved on and I was able to get on with my life and focus on my art, my future and getting my degree. This sort of malicious witch-hunting and slandering needs to stop. Hxwke needs to move on like he claims to want, stop spreading slander presumably lacking all context to anyone he knows comes into contact with me, and stop blogging consistently about me. I am sick over the whole thing and just want to move on from the damage he’s already caused so far.
Unfortunately, my reputation cannot be fixed in the communities unless he went and repaired the damage himself, but he’s shown that he has nothing but ill-will for someone he said ‘Dorian, you’ve done more good for me than you know, trust me’ to whenever I doubted my quality as a friend or apologized preemptively whenever I thought I was being inconvenient.
I am not an abuser. I let him go. I did not attempt to contact or check on him in any way and barely thought of him. I held not a single grudge, made not a single post. If I did think of him, it was when I only wished I could share a meme or invite him to play Spyro Reignited.
Because he was my friend and I cared about him, his health and his success. And that behaviour doesn’t just stop. But I cannot just sit here any longer and continue to be stoic, convinced that this will just go away if I keep trying to move on as I have whilst being disallowed to defend myself against continued, targeted slander.
I tried to teach him to stop defining himself by victimhood and be the incredible person I saw before the change. I told him he owned his problems and must now be the solution. I did all I could think to deliver empowerment of thought. I willnotbe gaslit into doubting my own sanity by someone who has become ravenous in their self-pity.
Me being at my worst has to be provoked into visible frustration by fear and my most beloved friend playing mind games with me. I feel like I continue to see their worst never end. It is not reasonable nor justified to engage in emotional warfare on someone's self image and reputation from beyond ‘safe’ blocks and say you want to be ‘left alone and leave it behind’ while throwing stones. They clearly do not when they define their present by what a horrible monster I am even after 6 months. Please. For your health, drop it. Actually move on. Be better than this.
A block is not a substitute for moving on. Blocking anyone who doesn’t immediately buy what you’re selling is not a substitute for moving on.
I do not wish to be friends with what they've become, I only wanted to close this off and offer support should they ever run into trouble in the future. My resources will always be for my friends, past or present.
Here is a link of other various screenshots that didn’t fit into this letter, but still felt meaningful in some way as an addition.