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I was reading an old math book "Introduction to Analysis" about integrals.  It's kind of magic how they work "under the hood" because the proofs don't guarantee an exact value for any given integral. Rather, the techniques tell how how to calculate the answer to within any given error tolerance. That's peculiar because if I think of an integral, I want to know the exact result, but I'm not guaranteed that I can calculate the exact result in most useful cases.

I've been not very vocal on the internet the past couple of weeks. Giving away llamas and making some favorites has been the extent of it. I haven't even written a blog entry or poetry for a while.

I came up with a word pyramid tonight. I haven't focused it into something artistic yet. 

I am investigating launching a Patreon soon. It would help if I had a focus for it. I'm not sure what to put up as the banner and tiers either. Those have been holding me back.
Today I rescued another box from my storage unit. I found all of the information I needed to install the PCB layout software Eagle. I haven't used it in years, but having it available is nice.

I've been dreaming about some hardware projects. One that I am curious about is to measure the temperature of rain drops.  I just found a research paper "Measurement of Rain Temperature" dated 1948 that seems to show exactly what I am looking for.

Byers, Horace R., Harry Moses, and Patrick J. Harney. "Measurement of rain temperature." Journal of Meteorology 6.1 (1949): 51-55.

I haven't done any drawing for quite a while. I was inspired by the NativLang video channel that I should get my own skills going on animation. At the very least, I should get more comfortable with the tools that I already have.
I just got an email threatening to release pornographic videos of me unless I send money to a specific bitcoin address.

The password they picked was an old livejournal password that doesn't get used anywhere else. I just went and deleted that livejournal account since I haven't used it for a long time. 

A good reason to have a different password on different sites.
Behind the curtains,
hidden in the darkest corner,
a silent legion is waiting.

Someday they will be revealed.
Under their stronghold, a cloak hides
their diamond and ruby crown.
Soon they will never be forgotten

The moment is not here yet.
The stars have not aligned.
As the moon approaches Mars,
the hours are counting down.

When that night has fallen, 
patient nocturnal powers, 
catch a distant call.
The beacon's flare starts
the darkest midnight storm.
After years of having a taped-together tail light assembly on my car, I put on a new one today. A friend made one-too-many comments about it, so I ordered the part and put it on tonight.

Had an expedition fixing one broken backup light too.
I have a corner next to the cellar door where I throw rotten tomatoes when I don't harvest them in time or they get damaged by pests. That's the only place I have tomatoes growing this year. there are two plants that are growing really rapidly.

My goal for tomorrow is to trim back the peonies that are shielding the plants from sunlight. I don't know yet if they're regular or grape tomato plants.

I got up to the lake like I had planned yesterday. I got clobbered in a game of croquet... it's been decades since I'd played.

Today I went on an expedition to Fort Wayne with a friend. I bought some pants, movies, cork board and typewriter. The typewriter was definitely an impulse buy. I already have one, for example. It was at a thrift shop in Fort Wayne associated with St. Vincent de Paul. I had never been there.
Went to an anniversary party this afternoon. I bought all of the ice and pop.  A lot more pop than we needed... 

We had sloppy joes, chips and some cookies and a scrumptious chocolate cake.

It was a small event, which was cool. It was nice that the church was so accommodating. They opened up for us, it was a inexpensive facility to rent and was very comfortable.

When I got home I was pretty tired. I was too tired to go out to the gym this afternoon.. with all of the high temps, that's easy to understand. I was overheated yesterday from the gym and visiting some stores and I'm tired today. I'm glad I have air conditioning. I have it set higher than most people would, but I'm comfortable there.

Being Mr. Retro, I started reading a paper from 1962 "Augmenting human intellect: a conceptual framework" It's by Doug Engelbart who was an important innovator in computer system history. It's pretty long, so I'm going slow.

There's a lot of good information from the 60s and 70s research about technology that has been lost. A lot of the information that they used to design the early computer interfaces has fallen away so that we end up getting fed deficient user interfaces that could be better.  Soap box knocked over.  I have a few books from computer human interaction courses that I took in the 80s that are worth me looking at more.

We left all of the pop behind at the church for the youth to share. The diet and non-caffeine free I couldn't take but I decided I didn't need all of the calories from the others.
I ordered the book Homecoming by John Bradshaw tonight.  Checked for prices, but pretty much ignored it since it listed two services I
have accounts with, and Alibris lost the sale because their checkout screen failed.

I conjured up some one-time-use credit card numbers. They're great for online purchases because they put a (low) limit on the risk from bad people stealing my numbers from a vendor's databases. Bank of America has that as a service on their online banking site.

I got a long, relaxing nap this afternoon/evening. I woke up at 19:05 which was a little late for some events I wanted to go to that started at 7. I could have gone late, but chose not to.

I really like my new sofa. The old one was eaten up a little by my cats and was really old. I also had trouble with back pain sitting on the old one.

I've got to the Y three days in a row which is a big accomplishment for me.

I made an appointment for Friday with the nurse with my cardiologist. I had not seen the doctor she's attached to since March because I was upset that he'd let my blood pressure be dangerously high for months and then told me my goal level was quite below those level. Right now it is quite consistently a good number so I'm happy.... Also that I'm only taking one medication instead of the 2+ that I'd been taking until March. I am concerned how badly winded I got moving the furniture with my dad which shows that blood pressure might not be an wishful explanation of my cardiac condition.

There's an old famous-ish song Dragostea din tei that had a viral video that made it famous. Back when I first learned about the song, I found a musician Craig Anstey on youtube that had done a cover of it. I have a copy of his cover that I have for making a mix tape (BQM XVII). It's not a literal translation of the lyrics, but it's a version that's well known.

My last cousin is engaged. The wedding is Sept. 15, so we'll all be packing up and going to Louisiana for the festivities. On the most recent royal wedding in Great Britain I liked that the officiator of the wedding said "I Proclaim them man and wife." I think "proclaim" isn't used much (at least it sounded more elevated than the language I remember from the other weddings.)  Of the 15 in our generation I'll be the only one not married and it is most likely going to stay that way. There's also been only 2 divorces which is a point of pride in my family -- of the 6 pairs of married aunts and uncles, they have a combined 300+ years married.

I was able to run the media for my church this week. I had someone behind me helping me be more confident. There were a couple of places where he suggested I black the screen that I didn't do on my own. The social media feed was a little messy to turn off, but I remembered the right way to do that so it was not broken for long.

I guess I've typed enough....  
In March I went down a deserted street and parked in the hopes of filming a pretty moon rise. I got more than I anticipated and got some footage of white-tailed deer. I showed you a still from the recording  Four Deer by SmilingY

I finally put its video together 

I was hoping to put in a cool audio track and an intro or outro, but they never happened. I used the audio I recorded at the same location that had a lot of bird sounds.

What I think is coolest about the video is the serendipity of it. I was sitting at the end of a road on the edge of town and the deer showed up and let me film them. The quality of the video isn't ideal because the light was fading during the shooting session.
This is not a journal entry.
I was reflecting recently about different forms of violence. Some of them are pretty obvious: killing someone, attacking a person with a firearm, knife or club. Shouting at and belittling a person is easy to count as violence as well.

There are more subtle forms of violence. One form attacks, instead of a person, a relationship. By backbiting between two people, it's possible to poison the relationship, violate trust and companionship. Gossip can be considered a form of violence, striking the victim from behind their back. Violence against a relationship can take varied forms, but it often kills or injures trust.

I realized that their are further forms of violence not visible from the outside. One can attack or berate a person from within your imagination. You can wish they would suffer harm or die, but not take any steps to plan to carry that out. These inner violences can still have negative consequences because they can be reflected in interactions with the other person... acting cold or rude in a manner not characteristic with other people. One can reveal the negative attitude when talking to other people about the victim.

One further form of violence is against oneself. That can include suicide and physical self harm. Through self-sabotage, one can thwart ones potential by giving up too easily because of inner voices saying you're no good, you're not worth it, you don't deserve any good things. 

The form of violence that I'm most prone to is the latter kind. I project from my past what will happen next. My pattern-recognition is so attuned to detecting negative qualities of myself that I find fault in many things. 

I didn't recognize it as violence until I was writing a letter to a friend and thinking about how I treat myself. I'm most certainly rarely a good friend to myself. It's hard for me to accept and forgive my mistakes because I can focus blame on the things I do as I participate in my life.

One poignant way that this has played out in the past is insecurity on relationships. I have a much too sensitive hair trigger on rejection. Although I am getting better, I still worry that I've done something wrong when i don't reach someone for a while. Either I did some slight to make the person reject me or they don't want my friendship anymore. I attack myself and usually no criticism is even necessary, just my hypersensitivity.
I felt odd the past couple of days.

After an extended, unplanned exotic flight through the ether, the landing came pretty hard. Hopefully there won't be a big crater left behind that I have to clamber out of. Right now the ground is pretty rough. Twenty five years gives me a lot of hope that things will get better, regardless of how uncomfortable things are right now.

In mathematics, the identity matrix is one that leaves it's partner unchanged. However, in real life, the identity is never left unchanged.

I was at the fellowship meeting this morning. I volunteered to help, but I didn't realize they needed me between blocks so I studied a book with a group instead. Ideally, I would get there around 7:30 and be done at 9:30, but 7:30 is little more than an aspiration right now.

I haven't gone to a different fellowship meeting on Saturday since March. Once again, morning doesn't come at the right time.

I had a technological miracle happen with my laptop. After copying all of the data files to the other computer, I put the drive back in and fired it up. It went into a repair mode. I thought that was a waste of time after a while and forced it to reboot into the recovery mode so that I could use the system partition that was sent with it. 

The short version of the story is that after it said it couldn't fix it that way, it rebooted like nothing had ever happened. Gift horse.

I've been practicing guitar more regularly. Of the two books I have, one goes through things way to fast. One page introduces 4 chords. half a dozen pages later it introduces a bunch more.

I'm not sure how much of it is fingernails, but I have a really hard time because I muffle the next string down when I fret one. Yesterday i did better, so it's something that I'll learn gradually. Switching chords in the middle is also coming slowly.
Today was pretty mellow.  I got to the gym and tried repairing my hand sweeper. I knew I should have asked the shop to do it for me, but didn't speak up so now it's partly disassembled and not working.

At the gym I walked about a half mile and 15 minutes on the bike. Ana was there. She's always so cheerful. I love it.

I thought about different ways to spend money but haven't spent any today. 

I've decided to call my six morning activities the six tones for lack of a more clever name. 

Mellow is nice with no self-reproaches or excessive second guessing.

Yesterday I had dinner at Loving Cafe in Fort Wayne and had my hair cut at the new barbershop next to it. That was a new experience and convenient too since I didn't need to make an appointment. At the restaurant it was amusing listening to the pair at the table next to me talking about the impossibility of living without meat. They were really tickled by the ingredient on the menu "tofu-rky."

The restaurant normally has Supreme Master TV on. It's definitely better than the FoxNews and CNN that I've avoided at the gym as much as physically possible.

I shut off amazon prime. $99+ a year is a lot for to get things to arrive a day or two earlier. I don't watch amazon prime videos and music. The math doesn't make sense for me any more, if it ever did to begin with. It certain lines amazon's wallet pretty nicely though.
Today I was running some errands in Fort Wayne. I had a very good day overall. Lunch with my cousin, group, getting supplies to fix my hand sweeper, eat vegan food and helping out at another group and come home. I also got my new printer installed.

Over the course of the day I wrote a poem. I'd like to make it mixed-media by melding a drawing with it, but I don't know what to draw at this moment.

I was thinking about the Exalted One (God) this evening and where my belief in him comes from. I was realizing that it doesn't come from any book or words. If I had never read, I believe I could still trust Him. If I was deaf and blind, He still would be with me. Regardless of what happens, I have hope that it will come to a good end, even if I can't see that in the middle or beginning. The faith is that He is in my life and that I have nothing but what He offers. I can do my best and mess up, but He won't turn against me, whether I trust Him or not, whether I love Him or not, whether I blame Him or not.

My deer video is coming together slowly. Right now I'm trying to produce the audio track which is something new for me. Here's a still:  Four Deer by SmilingY

I got a much better show during the filming session than anyone will ever see because the deer were in front of my car, off-camera, for a few minutes and I was holding the camera motionless.
Thursday wzas cool. Unlike Arthur Dent of hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, today was pretty good.  I didn't get all of my goals done and took a long nap. I got my laundry done. I saw my spiritual helper and met a bunch of people I knew but didn't expect. We had to take a break when I broke on going over my project. 

I bought a new saw blade for the miter saw I borrowed from dad. I saved $0.80 on fuel like it was a _big_deal_ when i spent $700 on front end brakes without checking around for the best price. Nothing more fun than being inconsistent. I rationalized that the repair place I go I trust and haven't had them screw me over with unneeded or bad quality work.  

I started doing my a pure heart worksheet again. I also found my freewriting journal.. .I called it freewriting at the beginning but now it is more speed journaling. I also restarted left hand journaling.

I have a script to generate random bell ringing patterns for the guitar. [what I mean by bell ringing is to go through all of the combinations of hitting mutliple strings in sequence.] I was trying to make one with 3 strings today and then do it repeatedly. I didn't have a version of paper so I didn't repeat myself. That's a general pattern that I don't repeat myself. I don't say the same thing more than once. I don't start my day the same way from day to day. I want to find some software for plotting musical notation.

I told my clocks in the kitchen to quit lying so that I don't get confused when I go from room to room. 

Still sorting papers and finding a home for everything. I bought some containers to put things in the basement (especially paint) but haven't done it yet. I've got the place picked out for the new printer but haven't set it up it yet.

I'm moving my kitchen table into the laundry room, but I haven't done that yet. I'll probably use the card table for a while as the kitchen table. I also found that a reclining bed might be a good (if expensive) option to help my sleep quality.

You see a theme? "I Haven't Done That Yet."

I resolved to cut back on spending. We'll see how it goes. I didn't carry any plastic today as a step in the right direction. Not having a credit card is almost as uncomfortable as not having a cell phone in my possession. 
Today was a really big day.

Mom and dad worked on my flowers. The dome home is now housing a rose bush and the clematis that were there are climbing my carport wall.

I'm really pleased that there is moss growing around the rose bush. It reminds me of the mountains in Vermont.

A friend helped me rearrange my house. I knew that my idea wasn't perfect. I'm glad Paul was willing to wait while I made up a map of the rooms affected. The laundry room is fully open now.  It potentially could be a music studio. Ray jested that I could put a tennis shoe in the dryer to help add some percussion effects.

This morning started odd with a lot of anxiety... a feeling of imminent doom, which in typical style, becomes grandiose involving near earth orbit contaminated by billions of pieces of debris after a space war.

I've had this ambition to make my home be more tent-like. The way that we've rearranged the storage has made that ambition more real. The biggest road block I know so far is spiderz.
One symptom can be fluid associations. Why not embrace symptoms when they serve you well? Comics use fluid associations to great success by being surprising. Fluid associations are due to flexibility in the connections of the mind.

In other words, I'm checking the flexibility of dA gallery police. I just posted a "curling photograph" using "pre-apocalyptic camera technology." What are the odds that it will get bounced out of the "photography / conceptual" gallery?  I guess pretty high, but it depends on how retentive the monitor is.

It's also a protest of the gallery system because the categories are always artificial for me. I spend more time figuring out where it goes than writing a description that provides context. sigh.

Change gears:

I called the ICD clinic this week and found out that between Feb. 12 and Mar. 20, my ICD (pacemaker/defibrillator) was pacing for 1.6%. It has never been above the 1% measurement threshold (really zero, but the device doesn't say zero.) So, if it's 1.6% over the several weeks, that works out as 12 hours of pacing which seems ludicrous.  If it's over a single day, that works out to about 25 minutes.

My interpretation: the incident where I woke up choking on my own saliva was actually an extended period of unconsciousness and the ICD had to keep my heart going while I wasn't breathing. I think that's plausible because there's a lot of brain-damage-like changes over that month--my level of impairment is strikingly higher. It's unlikely that it's a stroke because I have no left/right differences. Also, heart attack is ruled out. I've had ECG's both before and after that are normal in addition to no measurable coronary artery disease. Potentially it could be AFib, but I've never had that symptom either.

Change gears:

I'm working on how best to present myself to the psychiatrist next time. I need to advocate for myself. One criteria for accepting doctor's orders is the qualification of the physician. It's a matter of trust. I'm not going to pay much attention if, for example, my urologist prescribes an anti-fungal for a kidney stone. Right now my trust of the nurse practitioner is low. Partly in reciprocal of her lack of trust in me. I'll have to see how to go from here and work it out in my own best interest.  I'd much rather be a partner, but not every professional is willing to be a partner when they hold their certifications up on the wall.

Part of the trust expects a doctor considers the objective symptoms and information that is available from peers. When they dismiss an event as "symptomatic," I'm not impressed.

I'd at least like the research on diagnosis and classification to be considered with an open mind. It's frustrating when you are candid and honest and the information is devalued and used against you. [Note to self: Do not use the words "demon" and "NSA" during a psych eval or with a psychiatrist.]

Back in gear:

These issues lead me to a doctor who has the qualifications and experience for proper diagnostics and treatment planning for me, but (a big but) is that it will cost about $4k that my insurance will not cover. I've got an appointment with a tax expert that will address funding that expense without damaging my cash flow. He'll also be able to estimate how to use the tax benefits of large medical bills. I also need to get the final bill for the hospital stay to budget how rapidly I can pay that off.
It's surprising how much ones ego can get in the way of asking for help.

My niece and her husband had a reception today. It was really nice.  They had some amazing pictures from the wedding down under. The kids (< 2 years old) were the best entertainment. They were running around being kids and were fun to watch.

More of my family was there than I expected... a couple cousins and their kids for example. I guess I take for granted how close our family is. The relative portrait that was there was pretty big.

I got to be there and participate when I can and not be afraid to drift away from a conversation I didn't have anything more to offer.

I was really tired and went out to the car for a nap later. I was talking myself out of going, but I let mom support me in going when I was uncertain.  It was an accomplishment for me to admit that I have limitations and can't do everything for everyone. I guess that's a good feeling to not need to perform for other people based on my image of what i think their image of me should be....  That kind of looped thinking has got too tedious so I'm letting it go as best I can.

I got to take home the table bouquet from our table.

I intend to start a Patreon soon. First I need to get my taxes out the door....
My niece got married over the Easter weekend. It was in Australia real close to my antipode. I guess it was a good time. The pictures were really cool of what I've seen so far.

Since not everyone in the family could afford to fly down under, they're having a second ceremony in Indiana tomorrow. I'm going too. Mom knows me pretty well and said that I should ride with them so i don't back out.

I planted more gardening today. I planted carrots, radishes, kaniwa and coriander (I'll have to check on which spice I really used). My garden is partly in my front yard. I hope I don't grow to regret it. The ground around my tree is dead after the vine was blown out of existence with Round Up.  I planted some millet around it last week. I planted enough seeds that even if there's a small germination rate, the tree's going to have a millet jungle around it.

It was fun watering everything. I have an adjustable spray nozzle that I used the wind to help water the back side of the tree. I though that was so cool getting behind the tree when the hose wasn't long enough! I also had a lot of fun watering the dead spots of the lawn.

I found out the next few days we're supposed to get a lot of rain, so I just gave my yard a head start.  Mom said that she'll move my clematis to climb my back downspout and the rose bush to middle of the dome's home. I saw more moss in my front yard today. I love moss. There's a bunch on the lava stones under the dome and some between my house and my neighbors where there isn't a lot of sunshine.

I made the joke about getting hitched twice.... Two half-hitches make a full hitch. lol.

Group today was a lot of fun. We got a chart of 10 different feelings and analysis of them. I turned to the page on sadness and had to close it. I'll have to go thru that with another person. It's tooooo intense for me to read alone.
I've noticed lately that my eyeglasses have pretty powerful optical properties. I have trifocals that have a vertical and horizontal prism component in them. that means that each lens three different refractive shapes.

When I use them as a reflector, I can see a light several times at once. In addition, because of the prism, they can have a spectroscopic effect of separating the color components of the light.

At church Sunday, i was really distraught. For a while i was looking at the ceiling light above me with the lenses to detach from the sorrow. I could seeing one light several times as the reflection shifted as I turned the lenses at different angles. Nobody noticed how much I was weeping--I couldn't really sing along, but I felt safe. After the service I said I wanted to help with the A/V booth. It was really touching that he spontaneously gave me a big hug. I saw a couple people from the library which was nice. 

I feel pretty powerless today. I got to see my support person and get to drive someone to Auburn from Angola. I think I helped him stay out of prison which was worth it, obviously. At the club in Angola, he said that he needed a ride to Auburn and back. Without hesitating I said "Lets go!" and it worked out. I was anxious my car would fail since it's making some odd noises, but it worked out ok.  He helped my fix my headlights. I'd replaced a bulb myself, but didn't have it seated correctly.

At times I feel really close to my higher power and can see him working all around me. One word I can apply to God is "punctilious" which means He pays close attention to details. Everything can have a symbolic meaning if you look at it from the right point of view. I don't need to know the meaning, but I can see that it's there.  My clothing especially but I'm trying to make less laundry each day
A goal is to build back some manageability to my life. I scheduled an appointment next week with a retired business executive through SCORE which is a volunteer service that helps people start or grow a business. I have way more ideas than I can pursue. I need help seeing it with a different set of eyes that can answer many of the questions I may have.

I was noticing today that although I don't have as much free will as other people believe they have, my life isn't just one path down to my density (Back to the future homage) because other people are in my life and that's not something I can control or predict. It's more complex than thinking it's just me and the universe.

At group yesterday I met briefly with the leader during break. I was worried that I talked over everybody's head and was intimidating. He said that he felt that my soft tone came across as really compassionate. That felt good to get that feedback. He was really supportive of my project to learn the guitar. I'm excited about it and want to continue.

My relationship with the former roommate is uncertain. I'm not burning the bridge from my side, but I think the other is lit up pretty hot. If it wasn't clear before, it is now that I can't have someone live with me not matter how much I want to help.

At times things are really raw but I don't feel stuck because it gets a little easier each day. I'm a "new" me and it's taking time to reintegrate. I'm a lot more aware of being alone even with other people. I try not to put up a wall or get abstract and incomprehensible, but there's not anyone I know that I can let myself out. Some of the stuff you can only say in person, if at all, but even so, there's a vast gulf between inside and outside.