It was Saturday night if the excited chatter of my parents meant anything. Yes, it was a night for reverence for lost freedom, that lost freedom was named Jack; actually that's my name too by coincidence. So, tonight my parents would leave me to my lonesome desires as they scampered off to spend a frightfully large portion of their weekly earnings on fun and alcohol that would make them regret having it.
So with the faint clip of my mother's slightly broken heels slipping through the doorway, I knew that I was at last alone to have my fun. Ascending the staircase with a sudden suspicion in every creak, I looked about as I walked into a room promising relief from all my weekly stresses. There she was, in alabaster white, her bubbling form awaiting my embrace.
"Did ya miss me?" I asked with a smirk knowing I was to get no response. Bathtubs seldom spoke.
As I slid into the warmth of the waters at last I felt I could relax: the door was locked, my parents were out, the dog had died in an unfortunate sniffing accident last Thursday, yes
I was completely alone.
"Do this often?"
In that moment, my shock equaled Benjamin Franklin's. All at once I dove underneath the bubbly mixture of bathwater, chemicals, and fearful sweat hoping that this would magically cause whoever had seen me to look about confusedly like the slow-perceiving Malayan Tapir and after a number of hours move on. However my lungs didn't agree with this plan and in moments I was up and sputtering.
My eyes came to meet the person who has espied not in the window or doorway, but rather in the rather close proximity of the bathtub. I blinked and tilted my head hoping gallons of hallucinogenic bubble bath would poor out and this figure would dissipate and become merely something I would mention to first dates when I realized that the phrase 'abandon ship' couldn't even begin to describe the situation. Alas, this was not so.
"Got something in your eye tiger?" the young man said with a rather cheeky grin, cheeky and toothsome really, I guess it could be best called mouthsome.
you," I replied, causing the mouthsome grin to become mouthsomier still.
"Well, I suppose I should explain myself," he said, I must admit if this fellow gets any more cheerfully understated I'm going to have to be blunt with him, preferably with a hard object.
"You see good sir, I took a wrong turn in the Atlantic, I'm such a fool with a compass, in any case I hit a sewer main and fell right smack in, and I drifted about looking for a gas station to ask directions, it seems I took a wrong turn looking for directions though
talk about irony?"
As my fingers slowly approached the hair dryer next to the bathtub (my parents don't watch many public service announcements), he suddenly stayed my hand as he asked,
"Do you know how to get here?"
"Do I know how to get where?" I asked.
"Not where silly, here," He replied with his cheery whites causing me a multitude of unpleasant fantasies.
He must have seen my frustrated expression and interpreted to mean I didn't know and looked at me with clear understanding as he said,
"Perhaps you know how to get there then?"
"I thought you wanted to get here," I replied only then realizing how insane I sounded. However, the chap was surprisingly competitive in this aspect and quickly trumped my statement with,
"Oh here or there is fine, actually I was also wondering if you happened to know where anywhere was."
um, I know how to find some places for sure," I replied becoming uncomfortably comfortable with this nonsense man interrupting my bubble bath.
"Ah some places, good summer spot, but I really need to find here there or anywhere can you give me any leads on that?"
My lips quivered as I went over every seminar I'd ever attended in all my education and schooling, I then went to my reservoir of televised education, and then onto my daily conversation, but nothing, I could find no words to sate this strange fellow. Except for these two,
A look of disappointment flashed across the youth's face, but in a moment his grin returned and he replied,
"Ah, you're lost too, well the more the merrier then."
Before I could correct him, before I could stop him from turning on all the faucets behind him, before I could stop him from removing the drain plug, we were spinning. We spun so rapidly that logic, reason, rhyme, schoolyard silliness, and sickening insanity intermingled and as they spoke about such shallow subjects as the weather and regional sporting games, I sank deeper and deeper into despair and otherwise.
I thought for a moment about the young man I had just met. As hard as I tried I couldn't place him. His characteristics were strange enough to warrant insanity, but the way he carried himself made it seem as if his reality, whatever that may be, was in perfect harmony. Then I realized that it was best that I found people like him, people that just didn't fit. It was like Tetris you know, all the little blocks attempting to fall into place, and this guy seemed to be the one that ruined row after row of potential perfection and while they belly-ached about this for a moment, I knew that it was best that we weren't all in perfect order, because then we'd just disappear without a moments meaning.
I don't know quite why I was thinking of this in my final moments, maybe epiphany's like that are reserved for the dying, frightful waste if true, but I was sure that something was supposed to flash or something. Wait, I see it now, light coming, closer, closer, closer. Sunlight! I ripped my arms forward and kicked my legs like a joyous Kozak dancer. I didn't remember bursting through the cerulean waters and climbing desperately, gripping the casual sand handful by handful. All I remember was awaking to an extended hand, a blinding sun, and a large mouthsome grin nearly as blinding.
As he lifted me, I looked at this cheerful man and said simply,
"Where are we?"
He gave a chuckle and replied,
"Isn't it obvious?" and as he stretched out his arms and danced upon the ivory sands he cried out, "We are here!"
While I admit that this was one of the least helpful assessments of location I'd ever heard, I suppose I hadn't been much help to him earlier. Earlier!
"Hey, why did you take me here?!" I cried in sudden rage.
He stopped his joyful patter and let the shore take the rapid marks of his feet as he shrugged and said,
"You said you were lost."
While I realized that this fellow was a victim of not realizing the sense of a word, I thought that explaining it to him would only prove a greater difficulty; he didn't seem a sensible type.
"I'm Jack, Jack Adams, might I ask where here is?"
"Ah, Jack-Jack Adams, my name is Devin Duffy. Here is just a few steps from there and dreadfully far from some places if that was where you were going," Devin said in explanation, if that's what it could be called.
Before I could get anywhere with Devin, a rumbling that made me terribly nostalgic of the Adam's thanksgiving began and before I knew it a giant drill with what appeared to be a fox tail on its tip burst from the earth. Then I knew it actually was just that,
"Dear god a giant drill!"
As god attempted to decipher this strange prayer, the drill opened upon its left side and a searing steam burst forth. I jumped back as the driver's leaped down onto the beach screaming at each other,
"For the love of Pete, Monica how many times do I have to tell you not to debate me while we are working, you know what happens!"
"I was just trying to tell you that we passed the same igneous mantle six times, Brenna!"
Then the two began to squabble, actually it's only a guess because the squabble consisted of both locking arms and hopping about the beach on one leg. Devin rushed past me when he saw this and cried out,
"Ladies, ladies don't fight."
Both stopped and looked at Devin, their arms now firmly locked at their sides waiting for a good reason not to kill each other by irreparably damaging each other's ankle. At last this Devin fellow seemed to find no reason to grin, but his position changed as he extended his hand and said,
"Hello, my name is Devin Duffy-"
He never got past this as both girls immediately traversed the distance between him and their own emotional distance as they cried out in unison,
"The Devin Duffy?"
I approached out of curiosity, perhaps he was a famous psychopath who charmed young girls into a false sense of blissful security before he attacked them in their bath tubs, but then again that didn't make any sense; I wasn't a girl.
"Yes, I guess you must have heard of me from my chess playing, or perhaps my debating skills, or maybe my stock trading?"
At this last mention the girls gave another squeal and nodded rapidly, Devin smiled as he schmoozed over and said,
"Yeah, my stock trading has been a little lax lately, frankly I haven't been here in awhile, but I think I laid some pretty good seeds and they should be seeing some growth mighty soon."
This last statement caused Devin to leap as he looked at me and said,
"Goodness I've got to run!"
As he began to trudge off I called out,
"But I'm still lost!"
Devin then turned for a moment and said matter-o-factly,
"Then head to the Babbling Brook!"
After that he ran into the brush, causing him to swear repeatedly and crack the misplaced hair manipulating device on a nearby tree. After that he was gone, lost to the foliage.
"Do I know you?" One of the girls asked
I turned and smiled shyly and shook my head.
This didn't seem to appease her as she looked me over and said,
"I swear I have seen you before," to which the other replied quickly with a smack over her head,
"Don't swear Brenna."
Brenna, as I now remember her to be, looked over at Monica and replied hatefully,
"Monica, I swear-"
"And you shouldn't!" She interjected.
Then the two began a shouting match, all the while I spoke,
"Excuse me, excuse me my name is Jack Adams and I'm trying to get home, can you help me find the babbling brook?"
This was to no avail, but at last the two managed to find a shout that matched and then turned to my attention.
"So who are you?" Brenna asked, he eyebrows creasing in confusion at my witnessing their daily vocal exercises'.
"Um, my name is Jack Adams and-"
"Wait a minute, I've heard of you from somewhere!" Monica interjected and Brenna immediately agreed.
I tried to tell them that they had heard me just moments ago, but the two were so keen on projecting their own visions of the thing that reality was quickly blotted out.
"I think the guru spoke about you on the mountain, the one with the dictionary," Monica said scratching her chin.
"Oh you mean the one talking about high definition?" Brenna replied and Monica nodded, "That couldn't be he was too engrossed with himself and his workouts, always a man concerned with definition, no I think they talked about him on that cruise we went on with all the overly smart chaps
"The Scholar Ship? I don't think so; I for one didn't hear a thing that didn't go over my noggin, which was odd because they were the ones with the huge heads."
Then both looked at me and Brenna said,
"You're looking for the Babbling Brook right?"
I nodded and hoped they both could help me, though the hope was dim because it seemed they could hardly help themselves, but still both smiled as Monica pointed and said,
"She's right over there, come with us."
As we walked, I looked over the two with awe; they wore large green uniforms with thin swaying fronds that made them look a lot like leafy orangutans. I wondered what such a uniform had to do with drilling, and then I realized I didn't know much about drilling at all. So looking to them I asked,
"What do you do when you're in your drill?"
Brenna turned back with a thoughtful expression and then said,
"Boring stuff mostly."
From then on I had little to say, but it wasn't long for as Devin had said it was only a few steps away from here.
"We are there!" Monica cried with glee as she motioned to a large staircase which rapidly jutted into the sky in such a way that it threatened to poke a hole in it, and a hole there was by my view as I looked to the top and saw a small opening.
"So where are we going now, I thought you said we were there," I asked confusedly.
Monica looked at me quizzically and replied, "Yes of course we're there."
"So where are we going now?" I replied
"Over," She said simply.
So as we stepped higher and higher into the sly, I couldn't help but stare, stare at the abyss below me and in front of me. Where was I if I wasn't even here anymore? My question was answered in a roundabout way as the stairs went into further circles and had us running to keep our heads straight, after awhile I asked,
"When do you think we're going to reach the top?"
Brenna looked back at my glistening form that had, since step one thousand fifty eight, completely lost its luster; she thought for a moment and then said,
"When we run out of stairs is my best guess."
"When do you think that'll be," I panted in reply.
"I'd hope when we reach the top," She said without a blink.
Of course, I thought, circular logic. Seems I'd finally hit the learning curve.
Just in time it seemed for at that moment we reached the cellar door in the sky and Monica tentatively pressed it open to reveal a grass glade surrounded by flowing waters. We all came through the portal into this new realm of watery bliss and my eyes quickly added to the sight with a few drops of relief. After I sorted my way through the mist of emotion, I looked to my guides and said,
"So which one is the Babbling Brook?"
They both turned to me with a look of aggravated confusion, the same look I had received many times by my third grade teacher in my second year. They then pointed past the rivers and waterfalls to a stump occupied by a tremendous woman. Having seen and heard a great deal of nonsense in the past few minutes since my interrupted bubble bath, this seemed pretty straight forward. So I walked up to the behemoth and said clearly,
"Hello, Babbling Brook, I was hoping you could tell me how to get home."
What I got in reply was a mix of a litter of kittens made of glass thrown into a blender and the sound that cheese would make if it was alive and thrown into the sun. I cleared my thoughts of this and tried again assuming that someone had merely shot a weapon next to my head as she tried to answer. However, the second time was even worse, sounding like a heavily intoxicated penguin doing karaoke. I tried to ask again, but this time Monica approached and said simply,
"She already answered you twice."
I looked to Monica as if struck by a fellow, who couldn't speak and replied,
"I didn't understand either one."
Monica simply nodded and said,
"Well no one really does."
At that point I thought I had her, I thought I had everyone in here there or anywhere. With a triumphant raising of my finger I pointed out the main flaw in that reply,
"Then how is it that anyone knows if she's actually answering their questions!"
"Because we asked her," Brenna shouted.
From there I don't remember tearing off that poor trees limb, not caring what it was planning on doing now that it couldn't paint any longer, nor did I remember approaching this babbling gargantuan in hopes of knocking some sense into her. All I really remember is the giant tendril of a tongue bursting from the earth with a wicked cry. Then Brenna uttered one of the few phrases besides 'oh you two would make such cute babies' that dims the prospect of it ever happening,
Instantly my legs buckled, which is quite idiotic as why would my means of transport ever want to buckle itself, that would be like my car having its own frontal impact airbag. Anywhere, where was I, oh right, mortal danger. Why can't I ever be in immortal danger I thought as the giant tongue swooped me up in its sickly sticky grip.
Monica shouted out at this moment,
"Don't worry it's completely harmless unless of course it's-,"
Right before she finished delivering this delightful news the tongue produced rigid dangling teeth which instantly attempted to maim, kill, and devour me. As I lowered myself from my instinctive curling, I looked over to Monica and said hatefully,
"Unless it's what?"
"A biting tongue
but don't worry it will only lash out at you if you do something stupid!"
I tested that theory immediately by trying to escape, only to find myself bending like a contortionist just to keep myself from getting snacked upon. After that something was thrust at me and in just the right moment I looked to see that it was some kind of metallic shield, grabbing it from the sky, I heard Brenna call,
"Use this to stop it!"
Instantly, I smacked the tongues incoming mouth with the shield causing it to cry in pain and release me. All at once I was upon the earth with the tongue soon to follow. I got up and came into a victorious pose just in time to hear a woman scream. Still in my impromptu hero mode, I instantly thought to call upon my awesome Jack Mobile and come to her aid, but I realized that was unnecessary as the woman was quite nearby.
As this newcomer descended, I felt the aura of a yoga class descend on the area as muscles clenched, people wondered about their flexibility, and hoped their chakra was properly aligned. This woman wore an outfit that made the fashion statement, 'there has never been a new black, I don't like change' and as she strutted in with this sobering attire, I wondered what exactly she was screaming about.
"You hurt my tongue," She cried which caused me to instinctively respond,
"Did you bite it?"
"No," she said angrily, "You did with that stop sign!"
Stop sign, I thought in wonder as I turned to Brenna who made a circular motion with her finger, I looked down at my 'shield' and flipped it to reveal the clear red display of the sign.
"I told you to stop it," Brenna said.
"How was I supposed to know that that was what you meant?!"
"You could have asked the Babbling Brook," Monica offered
At this moment the woman began to cry out again, though this time it was something more coherent, "You will pay for this!" and in but a moment the whole of the glade was bathed in a shimmering green luminescence. At once I felt myself being pulled forward molecule by molecule, as I was slowly pulled apart, I looked over to Monica who said,
"Did I mention that that was Lady Florence the agitated sorceress?"
Before I could reply I felt the last of my lips fly from what was left of my body and then my spirit was compelled forward as well. Then we all found ourselves in a vortex where we heard a conglomeration of psychedelic hits from the 1970s played by giant lobster people clad in hamster pelts. Then we all came to ourselves in a manner of speaking and, when we got sense to speak, we all agreed to never talk about that again.
Then a group of gardeners with spears came out and grabbed us by our shoulders. Soon I found myself thrown into a dungeon and more specifically, quite near a face holding a distinctive mouthsome smile,
"Do this often?" Devin asked with a grin.
"Get arrested by strange gardeners after being sent through a wormhole by an evil-"
"Not evil, agitated," Devin interjected.
"Agitated witch then. No, I don't often do this."
Devin nodded and then looked to the door as two armed gardeners attempted to hold a bag upon their shoulders,
"Ah there it is," He said, his grin ever-widening.
"There is what" I replied confusedly.
"My ticket out of here."
From there Devin rose and walked toward the door as the gardener opened the bag slightly only to have it forced open in a sudden burst of escapism. What emerged was cross between a girl and a cat, except the cross turned out to be a fusion device and it was set to activate if the cat ever tried to escape. So with a cry and meow the two became one and the gardener cried out,
"Shoot, the cat's outta the bag!" as he ran off.
Devin looked down upon this faux feline and extended his arm. At once the girl reached into her satchel and produced a slip of paper which Devin gleefully grabbed. He held it up to the door which quickly opened allowing him to leave. As I tried to follow, the door slammed shut and Devin turned back and said,
"Sorry mate, only one ticket, but it's okay you're due soon anyhow."
As he left, I looked down to the cat girl who had begun to lick herself and said helplessly,
"Hi, I'm Jack."
She looked up and replied,
Devin descended a few steps and looked at me for a moment then said,
"Mind watching my stocks?"
I looked quizzically as he pointed past me to a patch of sunlight in the cell. There I say barely, corn, and sunflowers all aligned in even rows.
"What are you doing?" I inquired unbelieving of my continually changing world.
"Yes yes, I know it's a risky environment, but the overall investment is small anyway, just make sure you don't sell them before they reach optimum value alright?"
What could I honestly say, I just nodded dumbly as he give me a wink and shuffled off to debate or what have you. I looked back down to Aly who by then had taken to looking at me, I asked about the only thing I could at this moment,
"So why gardeners?"
Aly shrugged and replied,
"The king's bad at spelling."
It was then that a troop of these bureaucratic mix ups approached the cell door and seized me. They roughly escorted me to a large pair of ornate doors and then gruffly told me to get inside. I opened the door with a grunt and came into what appeared to be a chamber of purpose, though I didn't exactly know which it was for, while one section had a Chinese man offering free samples of his delicious Wok Good Food, another had two sweating gentlemen handling a basketball aside two equally perspiring women smacking a tennis ball. Before I could figure this out though, Brenna and Monica approached me, now dressed in fine professional clothes, before I could ask anything they pulled me forward and sat me down in a desk just before a raised platform.
"Where are we?" I asked frantically
"Court," she replied just as an engorged gentleman came out and said,
I was pulled up to my feet as the doors I just came through opened to reveal a surprisingly robust looking Florence and a happy fellow wearing a colonial wig.
As Florence came to sit from the aisle across from me and the queer looking gentleman took his seat above the platform the engorged man barked,
"You may be seated,"
I was seated and waited for the scraping of chairs to cease so that this freak show might continue when the plump bailiff called out,
"I said you could be seated!"
He looked directly at me and for a moment I thought that perhaps sit meant some strange backwards thing in this strange backwards world, but instead the bailiff just brushed past me and opened an oven I hadn't noticed at my back. I watched the bailiff then remove a large chunk of bread from the oven much to his sausage-finger's displeasure,
"The court respectfully asks that you stop rising so that we may begin!"
I can only assume that the bailiff expected the bread to say he was sorry for as long as he waited, but at last the judge called out,
"That's enough Jericho, let's get started shall we?"
So for a moment we sat as the judge cleared his throat and said,
"Hello, I am Kyle Oppman and I shall be the referee for today's basketball game, the lineman for our tennis match and an impromptu heath inspector for Mr. Wok to assure the community that his food is not in fact, made of dogs
.oh and one other thing
.oh yeah I'm also a judge in this
what was it
ah yes, Mr. Jack-Jack Adams you stand accused of tongue lashing, how do you plead?"
"Usually like a little girl!" I heard a cry from the back causing an immediate uproar of laughter in the audience, my lawyers, and the judge himself until he waved his arms and cried,
"Order, order!" which caused Mr. Wok to liven for a moment until Judge Oppman added, "Not that kind Mr. Wok."
At that point I rose and said simply,
"I plead not guilty your honor,"
"Just not guilty?"
This perplexed me for a moment until I looked to my lawyers to see that they were both holding expressions as quizzical as my own.
"Well alright then, the plaintiff pleads not guilty, opening statements if you please, also you may have the first serve Tina."
So to the rhythm of whipping tennis balls and female grunts, Florence arose and delivered her statement.
"Lashing, cold calculated, planned, lashing. The defendant Jack-Jack Adams claims he is not guilty in this offence, though he cannot say he is innocent? I believe this proves reasonable doubt in himself and therefore I would ask the court to have his body destroyed and whatever is left to perform one thousand hours of community service."
I don't exactly know if one can suffer from sedentary whiplash, but that's certainly what I felt as my neck rapidly turned to watch my accuser retake her seat. I leaned over to Brenna and asked,
"What on earth was that?"
She whispered back with a hint of displeasure,
"A solid opening, though it's no wonder you pleading 'not guilty' like that
not to mention Florence is the best lawyer this side of anywhere."
.I thought she was an agitated sorceress," I replied
"She is, but her Agitated University didn't offer an arcane intellect major so she opted for law school."
So with that I watched as Brenna began her own opening. She turned to the audience and felt through her pocket for a moment, her tongue emerging in her sudden effort at finding the item withheld in the greedy fabric. At last she came to grips with the situation and produced what she sought. Holding up the desired item, I saw that she was holding a single letter. In her other hand she held a small knife. In a moment she slid the knife across the top of the letter and then opened it with her two fingers showing the whole of the audience who let out a gasp. Brenna then turned to the judged and said,
"Thank you your honor that is all."
Brenna then sat back down a cheeky grin spread across her face. Monica raised her hand and the two exchanged a quick high five as she whispered,
"Great opening Brenna."
Just then I noticed Florence had risen and looked to the judge and promptly stated,
"Your honor I would like to take this opportunity to mention that opposing council did not enter the knife nor the letter into evidence."
"Ah yes, duly noted," Judge Oppman replied, "First Witness!"
I looked to the back o the courtroom as an incredibly old woman arose; she looked as thin as a post and held a similar hardness. As she creaked to the front I saw that her outfit held many beautiful flowers, but in her long procession down the aisle I saw that each of these began to wilt and that at long last when she came to the stand the last had died as had the courts collective patience.
Florence stood and approached the witness turning to the judge saying,
"I'll keep this brief."
"Please do," he replied as she turned to the witness.
"Please state your name for the court."
"State my name
.hmm well it sounds a bit like Oklahoma if that helps." Okanoma replied after a long hesitation.
Florence nodded and looked down at her notes before her next bout of questions all of which involved facts about Oklahoma. After this she came to her, quite hopefully, final questions.
"You witnessed the creation yes?"
"Yes, I am the first witness after all."
"What did you see?"
At that moment the woman was asked to leave and the next witness was called, from there I heard an elongated yawn and the quiet padding of Aly Cat. As she came to the stand she happened to trip, but in a strange twist of gravity she came aloft and landed on one of her feet. She then quickly hopped into the chair.
Monica arose and looked to the witness and asked
"What type of cat were you mixed with?"
"A black one," Aly replied with cheer.
Monica quickly turned to the judge and said, "The defense does not wish to cross this witness."
Judge Oppman nodded then shouted, "HEY NO CHARGING!" at the gentleman who was preparing to perform a sweet dunk.
Florence then arose and asked the judge to call forth the final witness. I turned back expectantly and saw to my horror the mouthsome appearance of the man truly responsible for this crime upon my humanity.
"The court calls Devin Duffy to the stand, 15- Love, the score is 23 Shirts to 18 Skins and Mr. Wok you get a B as some of that was in fact cat food.
Never had groans so harmoniously intermingled. I watched in terror as Devin took his seat. Florence approached him swiftly and quickly began a bout of inquisitions.
"Where were you Thursday?"
"Why was this?"
"Because I was attempting to find reason."
"So your reason is your reasoning?"
"Yes isn't everyone's?"
Florence appeared more agitated than usual as she turned to the judge.
"No further questions,"
"Very well, would the defendant come to the stand,"
I didn't know what to think honestly, was I winning the case, losing, did it even matter?
Brenna approached me as I sat and asked me a simple question,
"What is your name?"
"That would be Jack Adams," I replied remotely.
Florence arose in an instant,
"OBJECTION, this Witness is lying, his name has clearly been stated to be Jack-Jack Adams."
I simply began to mumble incoherently at this point to which Florence pointed out,
"See now he's attempting to impersonate the Babbling Brook, how deep is his lie!"
Monica wrenched me down from the stand as Brenna cried out,
"We'd like a bar exam!"
"Sure thing, I think the bar looks dirty and the drinks are overpriced" Judge Oppman replied.
Brenna shook her head for a moment and said,
"Sorry your honor I meant I want to go to the bar with the other lawyers."
"You can do that after the trial," the Judge replied
"I believe she wants to approach the bench," Florence said at last.
"Ah yes, do so" Judge Oppman said warmly.
So for the next few minutes I sat chattering as the judge and lawyers discussed, Skins made a huge upset, Mr. Wok was very upset, and the Tennis match was canceled due to freak indoor weather.
Then my lawyers came back smiling. I nearly smiled as well, but I've learned in this world that a smile is the most ambiguous thing you can find. Monica said cheerfully,
"We've made a deal and there is good news, your sentence has been reduced. You're going to be cut in half."
"WHAT!?" I cried. "How is that good news?"
"You don't have to do any community service." Brenna explained.
I began to breathe heavily, this can't be, I don't even know where I am, I can't die. I looked up to Brenna and Monica and said one thing.
"Well we wanted to have you freed, but Florence wanted you chopped into tiny pieces and fed to sharks." Brenna explained.
"So cutting me in half was compromise?"
"It was a split decision" Monica said simply.
I looked back as a troop of gardeners approached. Then I felt a light tapping. What was this entire world a light bulb, or no maybe I was actually in a television set in some sadist's basement, or maybe I'm actually a fish in some bored persons giant tank! Oh wait
no it's just my back.
I looked back to see Aly Cat hand me a slip of paper. I looked up and asked,
She smiled and said, "Your ticket out of here."
I looked at it with wonder, my ticket out of here, yes! It was so wonderful, so yellow and round and squeaky
squeaky? I looked back down to see the familiar face of Admiral. Quackers. I looked around to see my wonderful foam, my beautiful house, my joyous tub. I was home!
"Do this often?"
I looked all about the tub, where was he, would he take me again, no wait. I looked to the door to see my parents.
"Hey Sport, I understand your need to have your feminine side, but could you limit yourself to thirty minutes, you're prunier than a retirement community.
I looked up to my dad and mom and smiled,
"Yeah," I replied, "I guess I should get out of here."
"Not before you scrub your ears mate!"
I turned in horror, to see a man holding a loofa with a wide, mouthsome grin.