Sliced-Loaf

PSA: This is what a lot of you guys sound like to us, except you're 100% serious :

"Freedom Mckenzie-Taylor, here and I just wanna say that I get very offended by the term 'Aloominun American'. Its hurtful and wrong.

My father's name Taylor Mckenzie, and my mother's name is Mckenzie Taylor so that makes me 110% American. I've never been good at arithmetic (or either of the other two 'R's, TBH), but growing up in school in Ireland I insisted on calling it 'Math', and I've checked the math on this and I'm confident it proves without a doubt that I'm as American as someone currently living in one of the 50 states... or Peurto Hawai'i.

Both sides of my family fought the French at Little Big Horn (Napoleon's nickname), so I know what I'm talking about when I comment on current issues going on in The US, despite not having been to the US in about 4 generations, except once on holiday to trace my family back to George Washington and Geronimo (on my mom's side). Actually every single one of my ancestors also signed the Declaration of Independence. And I mean that literally, we have a copy in my house that every member of my family must sign when they turn 21, the traditional drinking age of my people.

Every 'Forth of Julie Day', we put on our coonskin caps, fire off some muskets, and drink some watered-down piss-flavoured 'Domestic Beer', that I import. I'll admit, it's a bit of an acquired taste, not for the sophisticated, OK? Love it or leave it, amirite? We also hit authentic US restaurants like KFC, for their traditional 'Bouquet of Chicken'.

Hanging up this flag, see below, is a MUST in our household and unlike most people in Ireland, I know this day was named in honor of when Julie Child brought forth this flag, representing the very first state, Texas. Hence its nickname of the Lone Star State, cos it stood alone during the 'Battle of the Alamo against Santa, (the original 'Redcoat') and his socialist 'Free Toy Program', I know what I'm talking about here, you guys, history is a bit of a nitch of mine.

While studying Irish history in school I had to remind my class that many Americans were slaves and many others had their lands confiscated and were forcibly relocated, yet as a county we've never let that hold us back. We've completely overcome this history with no lingering economic or social effects whatsoever. Maybe other countries could learn from us? You'd think they'd, as we say, "get with the program!" BTW I'm fluent in the English spoken in the US, and with Duolingo's help I'm currently learning an indigenous to the US language too, Klingon! Qapla'! (God, I hope I'm spelling that right)

I'm so American I even live in a town in Ireland called Baltimore, I mean, what are the odds, right? And I despite always being sent to the frozen foods aisle whenever I ask "Where are the chips?", I'm never gonna change, just like the version of 18th C America I have in my head. I too long to live in a log cabin like my forefathers; just me, the untamed wilderness of New Jersey, and my plantation full of slaves.

BTW Freedom is my middle name, as well as being my first name, as I already stated, and also the name of my penis. When I chat up the ladies I ask them if they're as liberated as America is, and if not, do they want an "American style incursion" 😉, you know, groping around in dark with no clue what I'm doing or how to finish what I started, overly reliant on technology etc., works every time 😎

You Ess Eh! You Ess Eh! You Ess Eh!

Qapla'!

Oh and PS, one time when I visited the US, I met a guy called Jim. Do any of you guys know him? Thanks in advance!