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You know what? Fuck life. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut over and over and over and this asshole is standing over me just laughing maniacally as he kicks the ever-living shit out of me. I've been flattened by a steamroller.

Vik and I have split. I am writing this because I need to vent somewhere, and I honestly still love and care for him so much I don't want to announce it anywhere else. I am doing it here because no one knows us in real life, so there can't be any biased comments/opinions.

But I am just gone right now. I know this is the right thing for us to do. We both deserve to be happy, and it is clear that we are never going to be happy as a couple. It rips me apart inside. But my heart tells me that as much as it hurts, this is what's right.

The good thing is that it is completely mutual and Vik has been absolutely wonderful about the situation. He is completely supportive and wants to keep things friendly and civil between us. And of course, we are both still going to raise Lily together, just as separate people living separate lives, I guess.

Ok, I can't even lie, this fucking sucks. I feel like I am the reason why we didn't work out. I feel like I am impossible to have a relationship with. I feel like I don't deserve a good man. I feel like I am going to be alone forever.

Where do I go from here?
Do you ever just feel like throwing in the towel? Like you have given all you can possibly give and, since it clearly is not enough, that perhaps it really is time to raise the white flag of surrender?

I'm just in an awful place right now. I am fighting off a serious urge to self-injure. This week has been more than I can handle. My grandfather died, and it is just a confusing place.. because though I have been grieving, I am so damn angry with him still. Angry for the lack of relationship we had. Angry for his obsession with material possessions. Angry with the way he treated my grandmother, divorcing her after she bore him 3 sons because he wanted some younger woman who only gave a shit about his ridiculous amount of money and now refuses to pay for a funeral for him.. angry for the way he robbed my dad and his two brothers of a childhood and has never been there for them the way a father should.. and yet at the same time, so crushed because he is gone and I will miss his infectious laugh and that no matter how imperfect he was, he was still my grandfather, and I feel like I've taken a huge kick to the stomach and I cannot catch my breath.. there is a snowball effect of all the issues I am struggling with (relationship, finances, trying to sustain my business, lacking fulfillment, wanting to revert to old coping skills for dealing with difficult times) and it leads me to fall back into old patterns. Or to want to anyway.

It is times like this that I really need companionship so desperately. I miss my man. Our relationship is far from perfect, but most are. However, I love him more than I can put into words. I have been distant lately to allow myself to grieve, but I find myself just wanting him close.. so I'm fighting a huge feeling of tug of war, wanting him close and wanting space. How can I have both? Anyway, if he reads this, I hope he knows that I do not question my choices and cannot picture myself with anyone else. There is no one else I'd rather be with. He is a part of me, etched into my heart forever, and I hope he never leaves. I hope that I will somehow be enough for him and that he can feel the same way as I do. I love him to bits and pieces and would do anything for him. Despite our struggles, I would put it all on the line for him to show him my heart. I wish I could be better at that, but I just have troubles with intimacy.. I hope that is something he is willing to work with, because I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.

Ultimately, I just really needed to vent. dA is truly a wonderful place. It has been my constant in times of struggle. And while tonight was incredibly difficult, I am proud of myself for resisting the very strong urge to self-injure. Because I know that not only does that not solve anything, it simply buries the pain deeper, and leaves a sort of empty feeling behind that is neither satisfying nor helpful. Please God, if you are there and if this is some sort of spiritual attack, help me to be strong. Shield me from these evils that seem to be attacking me from all sides, because I alone am not able. I cannot keep wearing a mask of "everything is ok". I need permission to be human and fall apart a little, but I need you to piece me back together. Because if I try to do it myself, I just keep reassembling the same old heap of hot mess. And I know there is more to life than this.

Thank you for loving me despite my weakness. Be patient with me please, as I stumble and fall.
*Update*

The fire has consumed 16,750 acres, destroyed 346 homes, displaced 32,500 people, and I just learned that 1 casualty has been reported. This fire began near my hometown of Colorado Springs Saturday morning (or afternoon, not exactly sure). This is a town I have lived in all my life, I have gazed upon our beautiful mountains (one of which is Pikes Peak, elevation 14,110 ft) every day of my life and admittedly, I have taken their beauty for granted. I cannot describe to you the emotions I felt as I watched them burning furiously in person, through photographs posted on FB, and via local news stations. So many people have been waiting all week after being evacuated from their homes, wondering if they would even have a home to come back to after this devastation. The latest update is that the fire is 15% contained, which is a ray of hope for all of us as we've watched this fire rage endlessly, aided by scorching 100+ degree heat, dry landscape and air, and gusting winds up to 65mph.. and at first, it appeared no homes were threatened. The firefighters thought they had the fire line closest to homes contained, but then a major gust of wind sent flames tumbling down the mountainside and through neighborhoods.. it was like the fire took on a life of its own, a very human, very evil life, consuming everything in it's path. This particular community of homes were pretty wealthy, each house was absolutely beautiful and the surrounding mountain landscape so serene, here is a before and after photo to give you an idea of the destruction:

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…

It's unlike anything I've ever seen. I know disasters like this happen all the time throughout the world, and it is one thing to see it happen on the news from the comfort of your home, but this was basically my backyard in the sense that.. Colorado Springs IS my home. Pike National Forest is some of the most beautiful forest, such a beautiful national park and it has been completely destroyed. Rampart Range is an area of that forest behind Garden of the Gods that I have camped, fished, shot guns and hiked at so many times over the years. I just cannot imagine the aftermath. It's just so hard to process all of this. A bit of good news, a dear friend of mine who was only 12 houses down from homes that burned found out just a few hours ago that his home survived. But so many others, 346 families, are not so lucky. I have just been grieving so much over this all week, wishing there was more I could do to help during this time. I haven't been able to sleep much at all, not eating well, just generally very distressed and overwhelmed by all of this.

I live in Denver (technically Aurora) which is about an hour and a half away. I went down Sunday when Vik could be with Lily, I wanted to see the fire for myself. I will upload photos.. but even these photos are NOTHING compared to what happened Tuesday when the winds picked up.. I took the photos before homes were destroyed and the fire was still in it's early stages.

If you have any means at all to donate to the people who have lost everything in this fire, there are so many options, but one great one can be found at this link: www.ppunitedway.org/9-whats-ne… Just make sure it says Waldo Canyon Fire. All proceeds will go directly to those affected.

There are still 10 other fires burning throughout the state. In fact, half of the nation's firefighters are hard at work in Colorado right now. While our state is burning, Florida is flooding. Sure wish we could get some of that rain here. We so desperately need it. Got a little today, but I'm afraid it wasn't enough to help much. Saying lots of prayers for everyone affected by these natural disasters. Reality has definitely reared it's ugly face this week. But the good thing is that even in this time of struggle, our community has pulled together to help each other, and the outpouring of support from all of the nation has been tremendous. There is still much help needed, but just that generosity shows that there are still so many good-hearted people in this world. And that is something to be thankful for.
My town of Colorado Springs is in serious danger right now. The west side of town, the side nearest the mountains, is on fire. 32,000 people are displaced from their homes, and it sounds like so far about 35 houses are burning or already destroyed. There are around 10 other fires burning furiously across Colorado right now if you haven't heard about it on the news.. the one in the Springs is the one I'm focused on because I grew up in this town and I just can't even begin to describe the emotions I'm feeling as I watch the news and see houses in flames.. mountains completely obscured by smoke and flames.. beautiful state park areas burning.. Rampart Range, an area I have camped at many times, is just being consumed right now. I have friends who aren't sure if their houses are still standing. I have just been in tears over this.. and am just speechless. Have some photos to share with you.

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbi…

I hope the links work. Please please pray and keep us all in your thoughts. That's all I can really say right now, just in absolute shock..
What have I been doing with my life??!! And what the heck have all of you been doing with yours, I must know! Holy wow I can't believe how long it's been since I've logged onto dA. So ashamed! I am really, truly sorry if I have left anyone hanging. I think about all of my dA friends all the time, I just.. there needs to be more time in the day. Or at least, more "me" time.. which sounds incredibly selfish, I only mean that it is rare to have a moment to myself these days. Raising a toddler is.. well, no joke!!

Things are.. strange right now, I guess. Anyone who knows me or has followed my journals knows that my relationship with Vik is in a strange, turbulent place.. but that is expected of any relationship, at one point or another I guess. Don't think I want to rant about that right now, because well, there are other things to focus on (so as not to always complain in my journals).

I miss writing. I can't believe how long it's been since I actually wrote something; poetry, journaling, whatever.. it's been so long. It seems I write best when I'm anxious, angry, depressed, disturbed, unsettled.. basically any negative emotion. It isn't often that a happy emotion inspires me to write, with the exception of my daughter.. finally broke the ice and wrote a little something today, nothing major, just listing all the things I love about the stage Lily is at right now developmentally.. she amazes me every day. Sure, there are things that frustrate me, but the good far outweighs the bad. She is everything to me. She is the reason I get out of bed in the morning, and that isn't much of an exaggeration. There is so much I want to say about where I am emotionally, but I just can't for fear of a certain someone reading this.. (learned that one the hard way a few times) but I don't know. Things are.. strange. What is it with guys that, in order to feel like a relationship is meaningful, there has to be physical intimacy.. and yet with me, I need so much more than that.. sure, the physical stuff is great, but not if the emotional fulfillment isn't there also.. and it just, isn't. I want it to be, I love him so much.. sometimes I think he's trying, other times.. it just feels like his heart isn't in it anymore. And I'm not sure if mine is either. I try so hard to be there for him while he works 60 hours a week, barely sees his daughter, comes home in a negative mood, doesn't seem interested in being around me or having any sort of meaningful conversation.. thank God he is an amazing father, I love him for that.. but I just feel like he's doing everything he can to keep things "smooth" between us so as to avoid any confrontation, but not really giving anything else to our relationship, unless he's looking for the physical connection.. there are two sides to every story though, I mean, is there something I'm doing wrong? I feel like I do everything I can to support him, but.. is it enough? Am I enough? I wish I knew what goes on in his head.. I can pry and pry but he just doesn't let me in most of the time, if ever.. it drives me insane!! I just want some in-depth conversation sometimes.. you know, the type you share with a very close friend and confidant. But any time I try, it's like talking to a brick wall. I am the type of person that likes to dig deep and have intellectual conversations, but I feel like he just shuts me out. I know he loves me, at least, he tells me he does.. but sometimes I feel like he just tolerates me, because he can tolerate me better than most people.. we have enough in common that we can live under the same roof daily, but only if we keep things on the surface I guess.. I'm just.. sooo not that way. I mean, I'm all for keeping things light-hearted, but I have to have some sort of interactive relationship with the man I love.. and it feels so one-sided sometimes.. and maybe he feels that way too, that he works his ass off while I am at home with Lily, and I think perhaps he resents me for it.. but he doesn't realize that is a lot of work in and of itself.. he seems to think it is a cakewalk.. and I LOVE that we live comfortably enough that I can be a stay-at-home mom, but.. it's not as easy as it sounds, I think I pull my weight around here (I do most of the cleaning, I raise Lily mostly by myself, I do some cooking, etc.).....

Wow. So much for that whole "I'm not going to vent about my relationship" thing.. I guess sometimes you just have to let it out. And while I don't want dA to be the place that I go to complain about my problems, it seems to be the one place where I can actually speak my mind and find like-minded people who can actually share intelligent, in-depth conversation with me, or at least pretend to be interested in what I have to say.

Not trying to feel sorry for myself. Vik really is a great man, with a kind, gentle heart and I know his job is a big part of his unhappiness, stress and frustration that he unintentionally reflects onto me, but it's just.. I just want him, want US to be happy. I want him to actually TALK to me, not walk away and leave the room/house any time I try to have a conversation with him about anything of depth. There is nothing more frustrating than that.. we all like to feel heard and listened to, like the things we say and think actually matter to the person we love, right? Am I asking for too much? Damn. This is sucking the life out of me. Thank God for Lily, for friends and family, for my photography.. I need my bestie. She is moving back soon, and I have just missed her so much, she is one person on the face of this planet that truly just gets me on virtually every level. That is definitely something to be excited about! I can always count on her for encouragement, clarity, or just a wonderful person to blow off steam with, even if we just play Call of Duty and shoot stuff to take our minds off things. There is nothing better than a bestie. So at least I'm ending on a happy note!! I miss all of you and will do my best to sift through the 4000+ messages that have piled up in my inbox.. yikes. LOVE YOU ALL!!!! :love:
  • Drinking: Newcastle

Revived

Thu Mar 22, 2012, 10:17 PM


I'm feeling like a million lightyears better lately. Hard to really explain it. I guess there are always ups and downs in life, and it sure does feel good to be up again. I hope to hang onto this feeling as long as I can.

I feel much better about where things are with Vik and I. I'm actually overjoyed at this moment. It seems like ever since he got his beloved bass back (he'd sold it several months ago to pay off a friend's debt, which was a credit card he'd cosigned on and the creditors were threatening to take HIM to court since the other guy wasn't paying, blah blah blah) he's been like a different person. He's so much happier. It's like he's reconnected with a part of himself that seemed lost before. I love to watch him play his bass. It's part of why I fell in love with him in the first place. I've never seen anyone play bass so well. He really could play with any pro gig out there and be phenomenal. I can't rave enough. And he is back to playing in a band again, and I think he is really enjoying it. I'm so glad that he is happy. Seeing him happy makes me happy.

It's crazy when you are so wrapped up in another person's world that their moods can really affect your moods. Seeing him happy is so important to me, naturally because I love him. He and Lily are the center of my world. And seeing him happy now makes me feel like maybe it wasn't something I was doing wrong after all. Maybe he just really needed to reconnect with that innate part of himself that loves to create music. It is a feeling of fulfillment that cannot be replaced, and I know that from experience.

Anyway, I'm stoked for him. :)

I also bought a new camera. Nikon D7000. It's pretty fantastic. I can't wait to actually find the time to post some photos. Also, I've registered my business with the state, opened a business bank account, and am going for some business counseling/guidance next week at the chamber of commerce. Hoping to get some good marketing ideas, as well as a better understanding of what to do tax/sales/accounting-wise. I can't believe I'm actually doing it. I have always dreamed of running my own business.. I'm DOING IT!!! I never imagined that I'd actually be able to take one of my passions and turn it into a marketable skill that can put money in my pocket. I hope to eventually make it a full-time gig. Being my own boss, making a living off of my photography, my art, my creation.. there isn't much that could make me happier.

It's amazing the things you can accomplish with the support of the people who love you, some confidence and the passion and determination to succeed. I am so happy right now. :)

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

Strange, and at times horrible..

Sat Mar 17, 2012, 8:51 PM


Today was a weird day... and like the title says, at one point it was horrible. Maybe horrifying is a better word. For those that I am friends with on FB, you already know the situation, and I just don't know if I can handle telling it again.. and frankly, the sight that I witnessed today was so horrible I wouldn't want anyone else to visualize it.

In an effort to distract myself from said occurrence, I tried to cook my boyfriend's recipe for cube steak, and I botched it. I somehow managed to slightly burn the outside and still have some pink on the inside, and the flavor is nothing like when he cooks it. It was meant to be my comfort food but instead made me feel worse.

I finally broke down about said earlier occurrence after feeling like a total failure of a cook, and just.. I don't know. Not a  good night for me to be alone (Vik has band practice in the Springs, which is an hour away from here). So yet again, I come here for solace.

Which brings me to my next point: Can anyone recommend a good book? I am up for anything but romance novels, and if you dare say Twilight I might just cry all over again. Lol but seriously, I hate Twilight. So anything that doesn't fall into either of those categories I am all ears!!! I really could use the company of a good book, if nothing else. :(

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

Holy Moses!!

Wed Feb 29, 2012, 10:27 PM


I am super hellishly inactive lately. I'm a terrible person.

Really though, I can't keep up with anything right now. I've had a sick baby for over a month (off and on) and the poor thing just can't seem to catch a break! Stupid daycare.

I'm just exhausted! And a little.. empty, alone, and irritated without knowing exactly why. I guess it all could be chalked up to lack of sleep, and an overhanging sadness about where things are in my relationship with Vik. He feels miserable with the way things are right now; he works roughly 60 hours a week, gets home with barely enough time to spend with Lily before her bedtime, and then on the weekends, I have school (Sat.), he has band practice, and it's just craziness. He feels like we have a "passionless" relationship. We talked about all this last night.. just a general unhappiness that he feels about life. I didn't really think things were that bad, considering all the life changes that parenting brings about, I thought we were adjusting pretty well given our circumstances.

Financially, things aren't great, but they could be much worse. We don't have a sense of physical closeness, because Lily has our room, and we've slept on separate couches for over a month since we've both been sick as well, we didn't want to keep Lily up with our coughing. But Vik has been sleeping on the cough for much longer because he doesn't want to wake Lily up every time he comes to bed. I know this will all get better once we have a 2-bedroom apartment and can actually sleep in a bed together and get that feeling of closeness back.. or maybe I'm just telling myself that. I really want to believe it, but it seems like he doesn't. It feels like he's already given up on us. It makes me sad. Actually, it rips my fucking heart out.

I feel like he has unfair expectations of how our relationship "should" be right now. I feel like I cannot keep up with all the demands being put on me with motherhood, school, being a "good girlfriend".. all of which I want to do amazingly, and I guess I just feel like I am failing miserably on all accounts.

Anyway, I guess that's my rant for today. I'm pretty tired so I'm going to call it a night, hopefully I'll feel better about things in the morning..

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana


**Parts of this journal may be triggering to those who have suffered from an eating disorder, or perhaps still do**

Well. Yesterday was my first day in school in over 4 years.. what an experience. I hardly know where to begin..

Let's talk traffic/parking. The downside to one campus containing 3 different schools is that parking is an absolute NIGHTMARE. I'm so glad I gave myself (what I thought was) ample time to get there.. it took 30-45 minutes just to get into the parking garage, I mean talk about a never-ending line of cars. I made it to my first class (guitar, yay!) with not a moment to spare. My professor seems like a cool enough guy, a bit quirky and nerdy with a slight air of hippy I-don't-give-a-shit syndrome.. I liked him. My English class was a bit more stressful, mostly because the teacher seems very high-strung and she kept pacing back and forth, which made me apprehensive.. (or maybe I just psyched myself out) and I totally fought off some major anxiety, the type that usually leads to a panic attack for me.. I was worried I'd have to leave the class at one point, gosh it was awful.. I hate anxiety SO MUCH I cannot even describe it. It makes EVERY social situation a dreadful one, when it shouldn't be. My Western Civ class I think will be cool, my first impression of the teacher is a great one but I HATE desks that are attached to chairs, makes me feel very claustrophobic, like I'm trapped. Lol, I sound like a child! I guess my nerves were just wound really tight, I just hope I got that out of my system. I really would like to enjoy my classes this semester. I don't want to feel paralyzed by anxiety all the time. I just gotta find ways to combat it. I've been recommended a supplement called Gaba, safe to take while nursing, so I will be picking some up today.

I've been debating whether or not I want to address this issue I've been struggling with lately (or perhaps longer than I realized or acknowledged), because it is so painful for me to talk about, and that is.. gosh, I don't know how to put it. Well, for those who don't know, I used to struggle with an eating disorder that nearly took my life and resulted in my hospitalization for 6 weeks.. that was in 2006 I believe. So, it's 6 years later, and I can honestly say that I eat normally, for the most part. What I struggle with still is body-image issues and habits that are very hard, if not impossible, to break. I still scrutinize myself in a mirror, which is SO UNHEALTHY, especially considering I'm in great shape for having recently given birth to a very large baby, lol. I just catch myself doing it all the time, analyzing my body with looks of disgust.. basically just tearing myself apart.. even if it's just a quickly-passing moment, it is such a destructive one.. and once you have enough of those, they add up to a lifetime of feeling like shit about yourself. I don't want that anymore. I'm tired of doing this to myself.

Something that doesn't help matters is that I feel like I am SO HUNGRY all the time (nursing contributes to that, naturally the body has to have increased intake of nutrients while sustaining another human being), so I eat to the point of being uncomfortably full (some might call it bingeing, I suppose) and then I just am miserable. So I put myself in this precarious position of hating the food I eat. Hating how it makes me feel to eat too much of it. Which, in the mind of an eating disorder sufferer, then produces the urge to do just the opposite: not eat. Obviously, I'm much more mentally aware of the habits that develop into an eating disorder, so I feel that I know how to avoid falling into them. Also, I really like being more curvy and "womanly" than I used to be when I was sick.. I looked just awful, like a skeleton walking around. Of course, at the time my perception was so warped that I still thought I was the dreaded "f" word, but now, looking back, I was just inches from death. I know, rationally, that I never want to be in that place again.

Also, I feel all these feelings of repressed anger when I revisit those painful memories.. so much anger at my family.. how all I needed was for them to show that they cared instead of always treating me like my problems were such a huge inconvenience for them, thinking I was just looking for attention.. well damn, in part, I WAS.. because I was deprived. I felt deprived of my mother's love and approval, I felt deprived of attention and any sort of emotional investment from my dad, because he was so emotionally invested with his clients at his job as a counselor.. BUT, while those may have been contributing factors to my rebellion and outrage towards them, and maybe even the development of the ED, it certainly wasn't the ROOT of the problem.. the root, as I discovered in therapy at the hospital, was a desperate desire for control after a traumatic abusive situation (in which I'd lacked control) and just started punishing myself in so many ways.

My conclusion: an eating disorder is a lifelong battle. To be "recovered" is.. well, it's tricky, to say the least. One might separate oneself from the habits that define an eating disorder, but the thought processes are much harder to get rid of. That is not to say that it's impossible to rid oneself of those destructive ways of thinking, it's just, very hard, it takes a lot of work. I feel like I made so much great progress over the years. And really, looking back, I think when it all started to go downhill again is when I got pregnant. It was very, very hard to watch my body expand so rapidly.. even though I KNEW and very much appreciated the reasons WHY it was growing, and the beautiful little life my body was nourishing.. I felt radiant, glowing, full of life and purpose.. but that stupid mirror is just a bastard.. I was doing pretty good until the last few months of pregnancy, and especially the last weeks, when the swelling just was awful, especially in my feet, but all over.. it was just.. I felt awful about myself. It made me so depressed.

After I gave birth to my daughter, I knew I'd do it all over again.. just so I could look into her beautiful eyes and know that she is all mine, radiantly beautiful and perfect. In my mind and heart, nothing else matters but her. Even now, the struggles and insecurities that face me seem nothing compared to the joy of watching her grow. I quickly forget that my body will never again be what it once was, or that it is difficult to face myself in a mirror.. because for her, it was worth it. I think once I get into a more active routine, I will feel better emotionally and physically. Was thinking of doing yoga at a nearby center or, perhaps, doing some swimming and working out at my school. (I hate working out though, so swimming would be the best route for me) Part of writing this journal out is me processing these thoughts, getting them out on paper (if you will), seeing them, recognizing them, and coming to terms with them. Knowing that it's ok not to be perfect, that I need to be patient with myself, that I need to love my body.. because, after all, it carried, nourished, and created (with God's help) the beautiful child I could not live without. I have to keep reminding myself of what's important. I have to know that while I may slip in my recovery process (which is ongoing), with enough determination and perspective I can find my footing and dig my way out.. I can fight these urges and these self-destructive tendencies I've carried with me all my life.. I can win.

After all, God's got my back. :)

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

Our Own Worst Enemies

Fri Jan 6, 2012, 9:28 PM


Do you ever write something, and think it so terrible that you dismiss it and nearly forget all about it.. but then come across it later and it takes you by surprise, leaving you to think, "did I really write that?" And realize the piece is so much better than you ever gave yourself credit for?

I think I do that to myself all the time. I judge my writing so harshly it's really a bit unfair to myself. But I think all writers (and artists) do that, for how are we to improve if we don't pick apart our writing line by line, a photograph pixel by pixel, and over-analyze all the intricate details of a drawing?

The piece of writing I'm referring to is this: fav.me/d4bcaa1

Initially when I wrote this piece I was frustrated by my lack of.. I guess the "wow" factor, something that impacts the reader and leaves them ruminating over said piece for a while, even just a few moments.. I guess I tend to pursue the sort of in-your-face approach, hoping to open people's eyes to experiences and viewpoints they may never have encountered before.. but not with the intention of parading my experiences over any other, but merely wanting to inform, awaken the senses, take the reader on a journey.. well, all the goals of any writer (artist), really. And I didn't think that mission was accomplished with this piece; I was quite discouraged.

But looking back on it now, months later (someone commented on it which lead me to read it again), I'm a lot more confident that I did, in fact, get my message across quite clearly. Which is exciting to me simply because I feel the message is so important. It is a message I wish I'd heard years ago. I truly hope it can save someone.


So, is the criticism of our own work a requirement for continued improvement and/or success, or do we need to give ourselves a break now and then? Unhindered expression free of excess analysis can yield beautiful results.. but where is the balance? If we don't seek to constantly improve ourselves, won't we become stagnant in our vision and skills? It's a tough one to sort out in my brain at the moment. If you have any insight, I'm all ears. :)

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

I'd have placed the bar higher.. :P

Fri Dec 30, 2011, 9:38 PM


This looked mildly entertaining:

[x] You have screamed at an inanimate object for "hurting you"
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[x] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, and then people gave you weird looks.
[x] You have run into a tree/bush.
[x] You've been called blonde.
So far: 6

[x] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow.
[ ] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[ ] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same melody.
[ ] You just sang them to make sure.
[x] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.

So far: 9

[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] You type with three fingers or less.
[x] You have accidentally caught something on fire.
[x] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose.
[x] You have caught yourself drooling.

So far: 12

[x] You have fallen asleep in class.
[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you are talking about.
[ ] People often shake their heads and walk away from you.
[ ] You are often told to use your 'inside voice'.  

So far: 15

[x] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[ ] You have eaten a bug accidentally.
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important.
[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it.
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time.

So far: 19

[ ] You have posted bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen if you don't.
[x] You break a lot of things.
[ ] You tilt your head when you're confused.
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before.
[x] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling. (Not on a regular basis, but I've done it)

So far: 22

[x] The word 'um' is used frequently.
[ ] You don't know what the word 'um' means.
[x] You say 'what' and 'huh' a lot.
[x] You plan to use a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin.

Total: 25
Now you multiply it by 3 for your score.
I am 75% insane. Haha. Sounds about right. :giggle:

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

Merry Christmas!!!

Sat Dec 24, 2011, 2:58 PM


I'm so sorry for my inactivity as of late, I don't have much time but I wanted to drop in and wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!! I'm struggling a little bit with my holiday spirit today, seeing as my boyfriend will be stuck at work until at least 6 and still has to drive an hour to see us afterwards, so he may not even get to hang out with Lily tonight.. I hate his job sooo much! I should just be thankful he has one at all. I'm thankful that he works so hard to keep a roof over our heads, I really, truly, am. But I am just bitter that in the retail business, family always comes second to work. I hate hate HATE that more than I can describe. Also, my Broncos lost miserably today. Yeah, it's just a game, but I was really hoping they would win because of the gift I bought for my dad.. a jersey with Tebow's name on it. Hopefully he'll still like it even though we got stomped today.

So, that's all for now, have a wonderful, blessed Christmas everyone!! I promise I will respond to your comments soon, I'm so sorry, the holidays have been insanely busy for me, but just know that I love you all and am thinking about you!! :hug:

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

Heartstrings

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 7:45 PM


If your fingers aren't blistered or bleeding, your not playing hard enough.

I've been practicing on my guitars much more frequently lately, and I am just beaming with joy at how much of an interest Lily has taken to watching me play. Vik bought her a little 1/2 size pink electric guitar (or, actually, got it for free) from his work and she just bangs on it and strums it. She gets such a great kick out of making noise! But she would much rather play Mom's guitar, WHILE she's playing it.. she wants to be part of everything I do, especially this, which makes me so happy. I don't even mind when she interrupts my playing to strum the strings, I just keep changing chords and letting her strum and pluck different strings to hear all the sounds.. she just loves it. Absolutely loves it. And any time I've put a concert on TV she is enthralled! Chip off the old block(s) that's for sure! I think she will be musical, or at least enjoy music, which is pretty much fantastic.

But yeah, wow, I forgot how much it hurts to build callouses on your fingertips!! Been playing more on the acoustic my uncle gave to me (which is now 40 years old and virtually an antique, so the wood has a beautiful, full sound that will only get better as it ages) since I love the action and the way it plays, then I busted out my Gibson and was surprised how awkward I felt playing it at first, until I got into the rhythm.. electrics are so different from acoustics! And I love them both. My Gibson Les Paul is my pride and joy (I should post some pictures!), but the acoustic just feels.. comfortable. I love them both.

Vik came home from work to find me playing for Lily, and of course, I got him in on the action (hoping to reignite the flame of his musical genius and passion) and next thing I know, I can't tear him away. Watching him play has always just attracted me to him in a magnetic way that I can't describe. It reminds me of why I fell in love with him in the first place. He really is brilliant. Amazing.

Yep so, not much else new, Lily has barely started crawling, just a few steps here and there.. she is now feeding herself, and experimenting with a lot more sounds verbally.. also she has figured out how to sit up from laying down, so now every time she wakes up from her nap I walk in to find her sitting up in her crib. It's way too stinking cute. I freakin love my child.

Yeah.... I'm in a good mood. :boogie:

Hope everyone is having an amazing week!!! :)

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

Time for a Feature!

Wed Nov 16, 2011, 4:26 PM


Word of the day:

Phlegmatic: not easily excited to action or display of emotion; apathetic; sluggish.

I think I'm going to start posting words in my journal that I come across and find interesting, inspiring, or just plain strange. So, there you go. :D

Also, I'd like to do a feature, because it's been so long since I did one, and because there has been some AMAZING art on dA lately. This will just be photography-related, because I simply lack the time to read much these days, but I hope to do a literary feature soon.

By the way, I don't quite understand all these dA changes to the journals. You used to be able to drag the deviations you wanted to feature from their respective folders straight into your journal, but it seems you can't do so anymore. Is there an easier way to feature works without having to copy and paste every single individual thumbnail?? That could take forever!!

Anyway, here goes. These are some of the most amazing recent works I've stumbled across on dA, for your viewing pleasure. :)

Land and Waterscapes:

Rebirth IV. by realityDream Dream of Old Priest I. by JindrichLisy :thumb268763206: Chamonix Needles ID by alexandre-deschaumes El Cap by collectiveone The song of water by emmanueldautriche Pure Mineral Waters by MaximeCourty :thumb268107555: DREAM OF ROMANTIC by HuseyinKaRa Day 313 by FramedByNature Streaks of Silk by MarkLucey Sine Tempore by Oer-Wout Amber Autumn by Oer-Wout Lake Loungin' by StevenDavisPhoto A Barnacle's Delight by MarkLucey Invite by realityDream Scarlet Forest by Nelleke Overand by psyfre Pothole by slickwilly182 no country for old men by arbebuk .: Post Mortem :. by oguzceng Purple sunset by WojciechDziadosz Splendor Of Greatness by IngoSchobert Hawaii, Sunset by alierturk Potem Falls in Summer by nathanspotts Waterfall - : : : Punchbowl Falls : : : by La-Vita-a-Bella
Flowers and Plants:

Color My Heart by MarcoHeisler Say you will by Oer-Wout Look into the Light by Dani-the-Naiad Drift Away by strangecondition Gift of Nature by BriceChallamel delicate and soft. .. by light-from-Emirates :thumb188003570: Fallen To Freeze by PINK-ROSE14 .unreal.world. by candymax Lavender by Jules1983 Nature's Heart by MouseMakesMess Field of Paper Flowers by MouseMakesMess Crazy Gentle in the Way You... by Dani-the-Naiad Sweet Solitude by Moafette spikes 1 by Lauriine 016 by light-from-Emirates :thumb159898616: Winter feeling . .. by light-from-Emirates in my dreams . .. by light-from-Emirates coquetry by AlicjaRodzik :thumb254917282: . : to believe in angels : . by kharax Lily White by Cealcrest

Architecture and Design:

Golcuk 1 by bunyaminsalman ...Cathedral of St.Michael 2... by erhansasmaz :thumb268262070: :thumb266539511: :thumb266954769: Beijing - Capital Airport by lux69aeterna Day 269 by FramedByNature Hemisferic BW by tobiaswphoto :thumb258799168: :thumb67843238: Limits by Modius1 Odyssey of Knowledge by Val-Faustino New York - In between... by DarkSaiF Steam tower by cameraflou Suburb by zomx Crossstreet by cameraflou Museums of Vatican Stairway by Ana-D :thumb254638003: Belgium - Venitian Gallery by lux69aeterna Garden House by StarwaltDesign The Inner Circle by JonnyGoodboy .:Majestic St Louis Arch:. by RHCheng Pompidou by Ashale EU parliament II ... by OrazioFlacco Pathfinder by G-freak A moment of Bucharest by vlad-m angels' neighborhood II by VaggelisFragiadakis a night in Paris by light-from-Emirates Lyon ::3 by MisterKey Churching by zardo

And yes. I did add each individual thumbnail. Time to rest my eyes, I don't think I can quite see straight.

Also, I shouldn't consider these recent deviations, as some of them have been around for quite some time, but I felt they were feature-worthy regardless. :D

Have a lovely week!

  • Reading: "A Lucky Child"
  • Drinking: V8 Fusion strawberry-banana

In over my head

Fri Nov 11, 2011, 7:35 PM


Wow. Where to begin. I think one of the worst things in life is watching people you care about go through immense struggles and immeasurable pain. 2 of my closest friends have lost their husbands in the last year.. both military; but one died in action while the other took his own life.. both equally tragic.. and the now-widowed women I've come to know and love over the years are just barely holding themselves together. I talked to Veronica tonight, the one whose husband died in Afghanistan, and she just broke down and poured out her inner angst and pain and.. there are no words for the hurt she was expressing. It ripped me apart watching her just crumble. Everything I offered as encouragement seemed cliche and lacking, but I had nothing else. I can only relate to losing loved ones of my own, but even then.. it's not a husband. How does anyone ever recover from that?

I was at her husbands funeral and never had I seen a more honorable, memorable service. People stopped their cars, lined the streets for miles and miles and waved flags, banners and saluted as the procession drove by.. and even the media was there to capture the moment (with the family's permission).. and my poor Veronica. Even through her pain she was radiantly beautiful; a reflection of strength and courage I could never begin to emulate. The depth of her suffering extends far beyond the reaches of my own heart. I just feel so terrible for all that she has gone through and I wish there was more I could do for her. But I can't replace him. I can't bring him back. She's so lost and I have no idea how to help her.

And then, on the other side, is my friend Morgan.. her husband (also military) shot himself back in June and he happened to also be my Viktor's best friend, they'd played in a band together for years, he was like Vik's little brother. I'd really gotten to know him and grow quite close to him and all his quirkiness, and really just loved the guy. So losing him was especially hard, watching not only my boyfriend go through the pain but one of my best friends as well, and then myself hurting from the loss, but not nearly the same way they were.. WOW. IN. OVER. MY. HEAD. That's all I can really say. I watch the aftermath unfold with both of these girls and it tears me up. They both handle their grief differently, but they are both an absolute mess. And here I am in the middle, wanting only to bring them relief from their hurting.. and it is a job far too big for me, for anyone. This is purely my belief, but only GOD can bring about healing from pain as deep as this.

Maybe I only speak for myself, I seem to be one of very few believers my age and I am still new(ish) to my faith so I am far from having all the answers (none of us do) but I have experienced the kind of healing that can only come from God. Call me crazy. I don't care, nothing can convince me otherwise. It is beyond explanation. It is something you just KNOW in the depths of your soul to be true. And I want that same redemption, that same comforting love to be given to these dear friends of mine, and they want nothing to do with any "God talk". How can I blame them? I felt the same way only a few years ago! But I want so badly to bring them peace. The kind only our God can provide. If you feel differently, by all means, that is your right. But do not try to sway my heart. Do not offer your rationalization of why it's "silly" to believe in something.. someone.. bigger than ourselves. Do not tell me it's make believe, fairy-tales for the foolish. I absolutely WILL NOT HAVE IT. You can believe what you want, but I know where my heart lies, and I may be a lost sheep like the rest of the human race, but at least I know WHO my shepherd is...

And I am not about to force that on anyone, least of all my very non-believing friends, even if I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is THE healer, THE comforter, "He Leads Me beside still waters, and though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, for God is with me," .. "I spoke to the Lord and He heard my cry, He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, He set my feet on the ground and gave me a firm place to stand.." (I cannot quote the location of these verses because I don't have them memorized, though I think the second verse is Psalm 40 or something close) .. this is my own spiritual struggle so I am just voicing it here, please just discontinue reading if you share different beliefs, but do not try to dissuade me from mine..

I guess at this point all I can do is just pray like crazy for my dear beloved friends, that God will open a door into their hearts and move them into a relationship with him.. THAT is the beauty of this whole experiencing God thing. The relationship... something new and strange and foreign to me but something I have felt in the depths of my soul without explanation.. I want so badly for the Spirit to move within my friends in that way.. I want it so desperately.. Oh how I pray for their healing. How it pains me to see them withering away on the inside. That used to be me. I want the same release from bondage for them that I myself was blessed to receive. Oh how I pray...

Fading

Wed Nov 2, 2011, 8:54 AM


Things just seem to be getting worse and worse lately. It's one thing after another. My best friend in the world moved back home to the east coast on Friday. She's the only person who gets me, who I can talk to about anything, and we've been so lucky to share this parenthood journey together at the exact same time.. not to mention, we share the same beliefs spiritually, so there are no bounds to the depths of our conversations. Her little boy is only a few weeks younger than my Lily so it's been amazing watching their curiosity towards each other, watching them interact.. it's just been so special. Our friendship is priceless to me. Watching her and her son leave was like watching my heart rip in two. She plans to be back, but I know how these things go.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that every best friend, every single close friend of mine has moved away and out of my life. My best friend Jennifer moved in 5th grade; I'd known her since preschool. My other best friend, Julia, followed shortly thereafter. Then my friend Maggie, and so on and so on. I grew up in a military town and watched as the military took all of the most precious people in my life, out of it. So as a result I have a hard time letting people get too close. And then I meet Cookie 5 years ago and she was everything I could have possibly hoped for in a friend; she showed me what true loyalty is, she watched me stumble and fall through so many struggles, and was always there to encourage me and help me get back on my feet. She never judged me, not once. There is no one on the planet like her. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

Then the next day I went to a little Halloween shindig at an old friend's house. I don't really hang out with her anymore really, because she drinks and parties a lot. But her husband was my Viktor's best friend, the one who shot himself back in June, so I just feel like I need to stay in touch and see her and their son every now and then. Anyway, it's been ages since I drank, and I only had a few, but I still felt guilty about it. I justified it by convincing myself that I have been so stressed lately, and with Cookie (my best friend) leaving, I really just needed to unload a little of my heart's aching. But of course, that's just silly. All drinking does is make things worse.. it is, after all, a depressant. Anyway, I had talked to Morgan about how I really love Vik and want to marry him but feel like it's never going to happen. She told me that when Vik had talked to her and her husband about it a long while back, that he wants to. he's just waiting for the right time.

Drinking makes me more affectionate and also more likely to speak my mind, so I am much braver than usual. When Vik came and picked me up that night and took me back to his parents' house, I brought the whole marriage thing up casually. Basically just saying that I'm looking forward to it, blah blah blah. His response was, and I quote, "that's you're thing babe". He went on to basically say he's not sure what he wants or what the future holds for us, and all this stuff.. I felt like he was saying that I'm good enough to be his girlfriend, for now, but not good enough to be his wife.. not good enough to make that commitment before our family and God, not good enough to bare his last name, not good enough for a ring on my finger, none of it. I absolutely broke down.

We argued and argued, and decided to put it to rest until the next day. He took me out shopping while his parents stayed with Lily, and he honestly tried to act like nothing happened. He was pleasant and sweet and tried to be playful. Was he honestly thinking I wasn't reliving every single moment of our conversation?? Seriously? It enraged me. So I saved face until the drive back, when I proceeded to tell him how much I was hurt over our conversation. He just kept saying he was sorry, he wasn't trying to hurt me, he just doesn't really know about the whole marriage thing. Which I don't get, because he married some girl years ago because family pressured him to, just so she could be a citizen. I'm sorry, but pressure or no pressure, I wouldn't marry someone I didn't give a shit about. So he's been in the process of getting divorced from her ever since we found out I was pregnant, although I'd wanted him to get divorced since we first started dating. This girl has since moved back to Europe or wherever the hell she's from, so it's just been a paperwork nightmare, but it seems the end is finally in sight. He just has to go to court and then it's done.

We've talked many times before about marriage, so this is not the first time it's come up. He's always said that's what he wants for us, that he's looking forward to that, he just wants to save up for a ring. So for him all of a sudden to say that's not what he wants just devastated me. We have a child together, we love each other, why the hell wouldn't we get married? Technically that should have come before the baby, but hey, life happens right? So now the next obvious step to me is marriage. We already live together, why does the idea of marrying me sound so horrible to him? He said he "used to want that" for us, but now he's just not sure anymore. My response to that is.. then why the hell are we together? He says, because I love you. Well, generally, people MARRY the people they love and have kids with. But yet you can so easily marry some random woman you barely know and don't even care about, just so she can be a citizen. "Well, I'm worried that we'll go through this same thing one day." Really?? You have THAT much confidence in our relationship? Shocking. And wouldn't you rather take that chance on someone you love than someone you don't? You've already done the latter, so why is taking the risk for someone you care about such an issue for you all of a sudden?

AHHHGGGG. I don't know what to think. I haven't been myself since that day. And he keeps trying to throw little comments my way, like, "I still love you," but all I here is "but not enough to consider marrying you." Forgive me if I"m not moved to forgive you for hurting me and pretend like nothing happened. He says he thinks I hate him now.. that's a ridiculous thing to even think, let alone say. But I just can't look at him. It hurts too much. Clearly he's completely unaware that I'm a crumbling mess on the inside. The damage has been done. I can't forget the conversation. "That's your thing, babe" just keeps replaying in my head over and over. How could he have been so cold? How could he have been so thoughtless in saying that? I can't just forget it. I see other happy couples, with kids, married, and I say to myself.. is that so much to ask for? Apparently it is.

Annnd on top of that, the therapist I saw on Saturday, who I thought I had a really good vibe with, decided she doesn't want to see me on Saturday, even though I specifically told her that was my only day I was available. She agreed to see me on those terms. Then she says, well, the latest I can see you during the week is 7pm so I say, oh that would probably work, what days are you available at that time? To which her response is, oh, looks like the latest I can do is 6. Wishy washy. I was really looking forward to working through some issues, and then she just dumps me to the curb. She has other clients on Saturday, she tells me, but she can't see me that day because she goes to the mountains or something. Blah blah blah. All I hear is, I don't give a shit about you, or your heap of issues. Find someone else. This is why I was hesitant about therapy. They can pretend to care about you for so long (or not long at all lol) but when it all comes down to it, all they care about is their damn paycheck.

Whatever. I just find it hard to care about anything anymore. Lily is my only source of light and joy. And even then, I sometimes feel withdrawn from her, not sure how to connect.. I feel like I'm failing her. Most of the time I think I'm a good mommy. I'm letting her rip apart my magazines right now as I type this lol. But sometimes I just feel like she deserves better than what I can offer.

I just feel like giving up. I feel like crawling into a hole. I'm just so.. crushed; spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. I lack the energy to push onward. Lily is the reason I get out of bed in the morning, and she always will be. Will life take her away from me too? I feel like every time something good comes my way, it's stripped away. It's all so stupid.

Too Tired.

Fri Oct 28, 2011, 9:37 PM


I'm too tired to write a decent journal entry or do much of anything lately, but I just wanted to stop by and say how much I miss everyone, all of you. :heart:

Really, I don't think you know how much I struggle to just.. get up and start the day. It's frustrating that by the end of the day, my head is pounding, my whole body hurts and I can barely keep my eyes open. And when I say "end of the day" I mean like 8pm. How sad is that? I'm so sleep deprived it's not even funny. Will I ever feel human again?

On the upside, I'll be seeing a therapist starting tomorrow. Very mixed feelings. I'm afraid to reopen old wounds, especially such deep ones, so perhaps we'll start small. I really have more than enough on my plate with the exhaustion and postpartum issues that we won't even really need to dig into the past. The present is consuming enough. But maybe if she works out and we connect, we can peel away the layers and eventually get to the deeper issues. Prayers or positive vibes would really be appreciated, this is kind of a big deal for me.

Anyway, that's about all I can manage right now. I'm terrible at keeping up to date with all of you, I miss hearing about your lives, you all brighten my days more than you know. You lift my spirit and make me feel rejuvenated. I'm sad that I can't seem to interact with you all the way I used to. Be it motherhood, being busy with shooting and tying down loose ends before I start school this Spring, or whatever it is standing in the way of staying in touch with you all, it just breaks me apart. I'm just bumming on so many levels.

Which reminds me.. my best friend moved back to the East Coast. I'm going to have to leave that one for another journal entry, but I'm just really struggling with that right now. I don't know what on earth I'm going to do without her.

Sad to admit this.

Fri Oct 14, 2011, 12:28 PM


I am saddened to admit that dA has been a total downer for me lately, mostly in regards to my group, TouchedWithFire. When I created it, I had all the best intentions. I wanted to provide a close-knit network of people that could share their experiences with mental illness, addiction, self-injury, abuse and eating disorders. I wanted to provide a sort of "safe haven" where people could be themselves, open up about their struggles and feel accepted. We have nearly 400 members, which is wonderful, but I just wonder if it is the group I wanted it to be.

The main problem right now is with admins. We have had almost a full turnover since the group began, and people just up and leave without warning sometimes, leaving me to pick up the pieces. I can't run the group by myself, and there are very few admins who are active at all.

Part of the problem is that the people who want to admin the group, also struggle with certain illnesses and disorders, so they are often confronted by submissions that are negative or triggering to them. So we have had to set some pretty strict guidelines for what sort of content is allowed, in order to protect our admins and members alike. But doing so has upset many members and caused many to leave, because they feel they can't fully express themselves. I know I can't make everyone happy, but I just feel like it's a constant game of tug of war. Do I make this artist happy by accepting his piece, knowing full well that it may be detrimental to someone else who is struggling with that very thing? Where is the middle ground? Where is that line, how do I avoid crossing it without upsetting people? I feel totally at a loss.

I wonder what has become of my group. Is this even something I want to be part of anymore? It saddens me, I was so excited about this group in the beginning, and now when I log into dA, more often than not, I choose to avoid it. NOT what I want. I want the group to inspire hope and encouragement, not bring people down. I just really don't know what to do about it anymore, what direction to go in, or anything. Just feeling pretty bummed out about the whole situation.

Writer's Block

Tue Sep 27, 2011, 10:50 PM


I think this is officially the longest writer's block or "drought" I have ever experienced in my life. Aside from journal entries (which don't count in this context), the last actual piece of writing I wrote and submitted here to dA was December of last year. How sad is that? I wonder if it's simply the lack of time, or if my creativity is being used up elsewhere, such as with photography? Either way, I find this realization to be tragic.

Looking back at my writing, I notice the majority of it is sad and gloomy, or angry. Maybe I have just entered a new season of my life, a much happier (and busier?) one than I've ever encountered before. Being a mommy does have it's perks, i.e., a cute little bundle of joy who grows daily and challenges all the ways I used to think and live life, and teaches me more about myself than I ever could have imagined. Truly, nothing compares to watching your beloved child grow before your eyes.

That being said, I truly do miss writing. I don't want my writings to only be negative, but it seems to be that's what I've always written best, as it's been my outlet. Granted, there were exceptions, when I was smitten in love, things like that. But mostly, my writings were filled with hopeless despair and struggle.. much of which no longer exists, or has been shoved out of the way to make room for a much happier and more positive point of focus.

I have tried to write happy things before, and I have a few pieces that I feel are good attempts.. I just don't know if it's my forte, because I'm always much more passionate when I write out of desperation or rage. At least, in the past this was the case. Maybe I should really try to write some happy things. Or maybe I could find a way to write about the newer struggles, which aren't filled with hopelessness as before, just different struggles.. I don't know. Either way, I really want out of this writer's block.

I'm afraid to lose this art form/ability. I used to draw endlessly. Ever since I was a kid. Then one day, my bastard ex-boyfriend decided to burn my entire art collection and portfolio, every art piece I've ever created. I guess a part of me died with my art, because I've never really been able to bring myself to draw again. I don't want the same fate to play out (more or less) with my writing. The thought is troubling; I don't want to lose yet another part of me. :shrug:

Anxiety of the Postpartum Type

Thu Sep 15, 2011, 10:57 PM


I've been wanting to find the time to sit down and write a journal all week, but now that I finally get the chance I'm strangely at a loss. It's not very often that I am lost for words, especially when it comes to writing or journaling. My mind feels a bit.. muddled.

I guess I'll start with.. reading. I've been reading a lot lately, and finally feeling like I have reattached with a part of myself that seemed lost since becoming a mommy. It feels good to reconnect with a passion I crave so greatly. I just HAVE to read. Anything and everything. So, since Borders is going out of business, I went on the last day before they closed when all the books were $1 each, and grabbed a bunch. I was ecstatic, like a kid on Christmas!

The first one I delved into was Chicken Soup for the New Mom's Soul. I have been reading the Chicken Soup series since I was a little girl and find them to be a great little pick-me-up. I happened to be reading one of the short stories about a mom's struggle with Postpartum Anxiety, which I didn't even know existed. You hear of the Depression all the time, but never Postpartum Anxiety. Anyway, as I read this woman's story, I felt like I was more or less reading my own. This woman's struggles ARE my own. Maybe not exactly word for word.. but she experienced horrible visions of harm besetting her child by her own hands, accidentally of course. But the just gut-wrenching FEAR about certain scenarios that gripped her to the point of being unable to function properly, and it also affected her parenting abilities enough that she sought help. I guess medication really helped her, and some psychotherapy..

Anyway. I guess I'm trying to sort this out in my head right now. I already had Post-Traumatic Stress before, so I guess it's no wonder that I'd struggle with this. But it feels foreign and different from the anxiety I'm used to feeling. This.. makes me legitimately struggle with my sanity. I have to say, most days, I really feel ok. But fairly frequently I have visions of Lily falling from our 5 story balcony, either on her own or somehow falling out of our arms. Needless to say I avoid the balcony entirely these days. It really is a morbid fear that I've been stuffing away.. usually I have no problem being open about my issues at least here on dA, but even now I struggle to write this, to let it out. Doing so makes me feel more guilty, like I'm a bad parent. Sick to my stomach even. There have been other fears and visions of some sort of harm coming to my child, never intentionally and always accidental. I've even had nightmares. I can't talk to anyone about this, except you all, because I know you won't judge me. Part of that anxiety and fear prevents me from talking to any sort of professional for fear that they'd think me crazy and take my child away.

My fears are irrational. Plain and simple. There are new-mommy fears, which is what I figured this was, but on an extreme level. But then, there is anxiety that is not based on reality or rationality. I know I am a good mommy, most of the time. I go out of my way to protect my baby girl and love her with every ounce of my being. The fact that I am even coming to terms with and admitting these visions and fears is a big deal, and in part feels like I'm admitting failure. But ultimately, I just want the best for Lily. I want to protect her from the evils of the world while simultaneously showing her the beauty of it. But my desire has crossed a threshold into something that is unhealthy for me. I don't want it to affect my abilities as a parent, and it breaks my heart to pieces to think this could in any way negatively affect Lily.

I guess what I need right now is prayers or positive thoughts/vibes. I am determined to weather through this and do the best I can. Talking to a doctor is not an option due to lack of insurance, so I'm not sure what other options are out there. But I don't have much in the form of support besides you all, so I feel I needed to get this off my chest and doing so already lifts a huge weight off my shoulders. Thank you, always, for listening and being the wonderful, supportive people you are. I love all of you. Here's to better days..