FarewellToday I drove through Saddle Rock, taking the path we'd always taken. It seems
like ages ago, but in reality it was barely months.
Tears streamed down my face upon the recollection of what was, memories pouring in from every direction regardless of my attempts to stifle them. Memories...kept tucked away for so long.
What was I thinking?
In part I find myself ridiculous for even driving there, but at the same time I'm thankful. I think it gave me the final closure to our failed relationship which I sought so desperately. It also helped me to remember more of the good, instead of so much of the bad.
Ours was a love profound in that it knew no bounds, as they say. But alas, I pushed it away at the fearful realization that I was not ready. My heart possessed more than enough capacity for that love, but my emotions were insufficient for overcoming the toil that lay ahead.
I knew there would be ro
InnocenceWhat is innocence, how do you measure it?
What happens when it's gone, can you never get it back?
What if your heart was in the right place all along?
You simply made the wrong choice, and that so-called innocence...
Was stripped away.
I never wanted it to happen. I never wanted them to see my soul.
I never wanted to be the victim of my own demise, of theirs.
But I was. And I continue to be. Is there no one left?
No one worth trusting, worth surrendering heart to?
It happened again. Just the night before last.
I was vulnerable, and I was used.
Left in the dark.
Cold and alone. Filled with hatred and scorn.
I'm sick with myself, sick with the thought of it.
No escape. None. Only trapped in the downward spiral.
How can I live on? How can I love? How can I let myself be loved?
That's all I ever wanted in the first place. Love.
Instead, love was replaced with lies, deceit, guilt, shame...
VentingI don't know what to do with myself. Down in the dumps, but don't want any sympathy. It's a road I've grown quite familiar with. I know it like the back of my hand. And what makes it worse, it's all my damn fault. I've thrown my life down the drain. I'm getting evicted. The few friends I have that actually give a damn about me are busy making something of themselves, too busy to really give me the time of day anymore. I don't hold it against them, more myself for being such a loser. Can't keep a decent job. That doesn't bother me. Can't keep a house. That doesn't bother me. Can't keep a relationship, and don't want one, so that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is how pointless my daily routine has become, and it's pointing in the direction of failure everywhere I turn. Maybe this is too personal to be sharing, but frankly, I've got no one else, and I feel like I'm talking to myself no matter who I talk to, so I guess this is no different.
Utopia EverlastingOnce a vibrant butterfly with thoughts lucid far beyond the limits of a childs imagination; now reduced to ashes blowing in the wind, in whichever direction the gusts deem fit. I am notably drone, not in the sense of people trapped in bondage by concepts of media and society, but still dull by comparison to younger years. Where did I go astray? Seems years have passed since I lost myself, lost how it felt to be alive. Lost the uncanny ability to see the world and all its trillions of colors, to see the beauty of it all withheld in a single glimpse of a withered rose or falling leaves, or snow-covered picket fences, or a stranger offering comfort to an abandoned child cowering amongst shadows. I blinded myself from all of it. Simply because one point in my life brought a different scene into perspective; one unholy and shallow, dark and deceptive. And nothing could have prepared me for it. But what an exc