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You will be a lot happier not reading this.

I spend so much time trying to tell myself that suicide isn't the answer. You'd think by now that I'd at least partially believe it, but there isn't a single part of me that does, not even a little. I only live because I am gutless, and the only thing greater than my misery is my cowardice. I don't know how I'm supposed to make anything, finish anything, do anything, or learn anything, when 95% of the time I am fighting a losing battle against my inner demons. I want so much for the end to come, you know, it's all I really want, and it's all I've wanted for a quarter of a century, which is longer than some of you have even been alive. It was supposed to get better at some point, but it didn't; it only got worse. Much, much worse. And the pain and stress of it all has been tearing away at my mind so much for so long, that I question whether or not I can consider myself sane.

I kept trying to pull myself out of that abyss, again, and again, and again, and again. Through self-hatred, I pushed and continue to push myself past my limits and to points of great pain. I feared the thoughts in my head, the thoughts that made me different from other people, the memories and flashbacks of things I can never forget, and I have likely caused myself brain damage from the self-harm I have inflicted over the decades, but even that is not enough to shut up the hell that exists within my mind. I am in hell, I was born into it, I have always lived in it, and I fear that I always will live in it until I die in it, and despite a lifetime of my best efforts, I see only one path that isn't pointless agony, and it's the one wherein I don't exist anymore.

I wanted to be something better than this. I wanted to be happy, and bring joy and love to this ugly, terrifying, brutal world of ours. I wanted the agony to become a distant memory, I wanted to move past everything that I went through and not let it hold me back, I wanted to find a way to kill my greatest demon, my body image issues, so that I could feel like a human being instead of a monster, but... I guess I just didn't have what it took. Maybe I wasn't smart enough. Maybe I wasn't determined enough. Maybe it was always in the cards. I come from trash, and I wanted to be better, but in the end, despite desperately trying to claw my way to something better, even to the point of extreme physical and mental harm, I guess I too am trash. Perhaps it was something immutable, or perhaps that is just wishful thinking.

My partner tells me it wasn't my fault. That there was nothing that I could have done better. That I am amazing for going through what I've gone through, and that if I can get past my pain, he believes I could do anything I put my mind to and achieve brilliant and incredible things. But the thing is, things don't ever get better for me. They just don't. Ever. I only suffer. Maybe I'm bad luck. Maybe I'm cursed. Whether I fight back with everything I've got, or I fall over and accept it, things don't ever get better and I only suffer.

My partner tells me to be easier on myself, don't push myself so stupidly hard, to try and care about myself. But I absolutely despise myself inside and out with every fiber of my being. I am ugly inside and out, and if self-hatred was a fire, this entire world would be turned to cinder by now. I just don't know what to do. I can't live, this hell I am in is not living, but I can't die either. Isn't it all supposed to become some distant memory I can laugh about later? I'm 31 now, when is that supposed to happen? When is my life supposed to start? When am I allowed to say "It's clearly not going to get better, now can you please just be humane and euthanize me?"

Sorry for the rant.

SkunkBattle by SkunkStarlight WanderBattle by SkunkStarlight
Shining Silver Starlight: A Deal with the Devil by SkunkStarlight

It's been one week since I uploaded the full version of "Shining Silver Starlight: A Deal with the Devil". In that time, it has been played online eleven times and downloaded once, and the deviation for it has been viewed thirty-four times, favorited four times, and commented on once. That's quite a bit more attention than I was expecting. I hope you enjoyed playing it, and I look forward to bringing you more cool stuff like this in the future.

Take care!

SkunkBattle by SkunkStarlight
Hey, everyone! I've been meaning to make a DeviantArt account for some time now, so I would have a place to upload the things that I make and be able to share them with the world. And so, here I am! Name's Skunk, good ta meetcha!