I Love You

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skulpturro's avatar
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Love is such a simple thing, it doesn't cost anything, it can't be measured or sometimes even trusted. And it seems to be the only thing I can offer all of the unforgettable people I have loved here at DA. I have not been here for many reasons, the main reason is that I don't feel like I should waste anyone's time unless I can post art. I don't know why I feel this way, I just know that I always have. I have found and have been given so many wondrous friendships here. Deviant Art has given me the precious gift of meaning and purpose, and when I am not here I fall into the deepest, most abysmal hole imaginable.
   I have been miserably sick lately, heart-sick because pain has robbed me of the only thing I have ever been good at, the only thing that has ever given me a reason to continue in the struggle that is Life. I even dream of art sometimes, the kind of bittersweet dream that is so comforting that reality is almost unbearable when I open my eyes.
   I am having yet another surgery tomorrow, and I dare not hope any more that it will help me. I am now unemployed ( temporarily, I hope ), and the future terrifies me. I wish I was stronger, but so many years of pain have corroded me to the point that I wonder if I will have anything left. Anything of my heart, of my soul, of my relationships, or of happiness itself. When I see what I have become, I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just slipped away during the operation to sleep the endless sleep.
But I am stubborn, so very stubborn. Maybe that is a good thing, as I do look forward to spending the rest of my life ( in any condition ) with :iconrgyoung:, who recently allowed me to become her husband. I hope and pray that I will not drag her down with me; she is such a marvel and is so full of life and talent.

I am just tired, so very tired.
I am embarrassed to even write this journal, you beautiful people deserve so much more from me than this. And if I don't wake again, I will be so grateful that for a couple of incredible years I was young and strong again. I will drift happily through whatever exists after this, knowing that deviantArt, right now,
..... is giving somebody hope.
Is inspiring someone to create.
Is comforting someone whose heart is breaking under the crushing weight of loneliness.
Is making the struggle of life worthwhile.

If I do wake tomorrow, I promise you I will fight.
I will Love.
I will create something, no matter how small or silly it might seem.
Noone here has ever given up on me, and as long as I continue to wake and watch the sun arcing across the sky,
I will make my silly, bizarre contribution to DA.

Thank you all for your love, I will never be able to care for you as you have cared for me. But I will die trying, if that's what it takes.

Daveo
a.k.a. Skulpturro
© 2011 - 2024 skulpturro
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X0S0ME's avatar
You have been such an inspiration for a decade now. Some of your art is so soul crushingly good, there are several pieces I can not look at for fear of weeping for monthsa t a time. They are so close so and so tangible and provide a textbook of emotional rationalisation. Your convictions and spirit is strong. All of this hidden genetics and endocrinology are the sine qua non and you will prevail and forces will collude and converge to your betterment. Trust me.